"You look so good." Frickin People

hotandcold

I'm about to explode and really make a mess if one more person tells me "You look so good."  First I'm mad and then as I sit here to type I'm crying.  Of course I look good, I spent a lot of money on a good wig, I spent money to learn how to paint eyebrows on, and I spent more money to buy undergarments to fit my larger & unusual size now.  I spent a lot of extra time to get ready.   I'm just so upset and tired and sick of all of this treatment and test and all the other crappy things people say to me. I'm afraid I'll make a scene next time and tell somebody off. These are actually very nice people,  just sensless.    How do you deal with it? 

Corrine

crazy4carrots

Well Corrine, when people don't know what else to say, they usually throw out a compliment!  I'm sure they hope it makes you feel good, while you, on the other hand, are thinking either "Did they expect me to look really bad?" OR "Do they have any idea how much it has cost me to look this way?"

I bet we've all had people say that to us -- in fact, over the holidays I saw relatives who hadn't seen me since my hair grew back, and who complimented me.  Didn't bother me, because I knew I looked 100% better with real hair!!!

I think we just have to remember that being a BC patient can make others worry about saying the right thing, and sometimes they don't -- just human nature.  Just take a deep breath and smile (mysteriously, if possible)!

Hugs, Linda

cmb35

Corrine,

I generally made a joke, ("Gee, I must have really looked like crap when I had hair and eyebrows!" was a frequent one.)

It's hard, and they don't know what to say. Come here and vent, we get it.

karen1956

Corrine....I don't remember anyone telling me I looked good during chemo....but I do remember someone telling my hubby one time how bad I looked when he saw us walking.......but since finishing Tx people tell me I look good.....even my onc at my last visit almost 3 weeks ago and I was ready to scream....I don't feel good..... people say dumb things when they don't know what to say....and with your wig and make up skills maybe on the outside you do look good (to them)...but I hear you....maybe say back...."I just wish I felt half as good as I look!!!!"  (((((((HUGS))))))))))

victoriasecret

Well I will add my 2 cents...I agree with Linda ..people do not know what to say..I posted my Christmas pics on Fb and got the you look great comments as well...I just say thanks...they mean well as a fellow sister once posted "it is better to say the wrong thing than nothing at all" I have kept that as a mantra when ever I get a comment I dont like...You are so strong/brave etc....I really look up to you.....What I would like to say ..What would you do if you were in my shoes ?exactly what I am doing  !! !I am no more brave courageous than the next ...I was not given the choice I have to be !!

Bugs

I got the "you look so good!!" and "you're so strong, I couldn't do what you do".  People expect to see a person that has cancer to be thin as a rail, circles under eyes....you know...LOOKING like you have cancer.    They mean well..as irritating as it can be.

 I have a friend who has stage 4 kidney cancer that has spread to his lungs.  We got together for lunch a couple of weeks ago and I thought "gee, he looks good" then kinda laughed at myself.  At least I didn't say it out loud!

EnglishMajor

I was telling a coworker about my proposed treatment, chemo and mastectomy. I has just finished talking about the surgery when she asked "Will it grow back?" I swear, I thought was referring to my boob. "Does she think it's like a lizard's tail?" I thought. I then realized she was backtracking and asking about my hair.

 People mean well, even if their comments often will take your breath away. 

I ultimately was found to have bone mets, so it's the least toxic option (hormonal therapy) for me first, no chemo for a good bit (I hope) and probably no  surgery.  But, I'd already told people at work the first plan. I live in dread of someone coming up to me, scrutinizing my untouched (and scarcely existent to begin with) boobs and saying "Oh, you didn't go for a new set, huh?" Or, worse, eying my hair and saying "Now that's how you should wear your hair--I love that wig!"

kimber3006

Yeah, every time I hear "you look so good!" I wonder "compared to what?"  I've got another one.  When I first returned to work after starting chemo, several of my co-workers were discussing the side effects with me, and one lady actually said "I'm so jealous!" after the revelation that I probably wouldn't have to shave for months.  Really?  You're jealous?  Wanna trade? 

ElaineD

But...you said, "of course I look good". So why are you offended if they tell you so? People mean well-they just don't always know the right thing to say.They're not senseless-just trying to offer support and make you feel a little better-ok they might not say the right thing, but would you prefer to be ignored?

thegoodfight

As I read these posts I have an interesting take that I would like to add.  Yes, now that I have been out of treatment and my hair is back I too get the looking good comments.  But now the strangest thing has happened.  I have been taking pilates and strength training in addition to the walking and tennis I always did prior to bc.  I added the new things to keep me strong, especially with taking the arimidex.  Well, lo and behold...................... I LOOK GOOD, I LOOK REAL GOOD.   I went to a New Year's Eve party and heard the you look so good thing over and over.  Well the next day I looked in the mirror and said to my husband, I do look good.  I think I am more attractive then ever.  I never thought of myself as particulary attractive, very average.  I don't think that anymore.  I think the new glasses, the new hair and the breath I take every day has turned me in to a very beautiful woman.  Enjoy it and accept the compliments.

So after 64 years, I finally feel attractive................isn't BC great?  Seriously, it has given me different eyes to view my world.

Caren

ElaineD

Well done Caren. Enjoy your compliments-you deserve them fror moving your life on from the nightmare that you endured with cancer. And yes, sometimes it can make changes in our lives for the good. You've made my day-I hope you have a long and happy life!

Leah_S

Caren - you go girl!

When I was on chemo and got the "You look good" I always said "Thanks to Revlon" since that was why I looked , well, let's just say I thought I was looking acceptable.

I realized I must have been doing a pretty good job with the makeup etc when I got a compliment on my looks from someone who didn't know I had bc and was having chemo. Now that compliment I really appreciated!

Leah

ruthbru

The most horrifyingly stupid anyone said to me happened shortly after I had started to 'wear' my real hair again after treatment. It did actually look really cute; very short, bouncy, curly etc. I was having coffee with a friend, and another acquaintance (who knew I had gone through treatment) rushed up and shrieked, "OH MY GOD, YOUR HAIR LOOKS SO DARLING! PEOPLE WOULD JUST DIE TO HAVE THAT HAIR STYLE!" Ya think so, huh?!!!!! Amazing.................... two year later and I'm still speechless!

ruthbru

The most horrifyingly stupid anyone said to me happened shortly after I had started to 'wear' my real hair again after treatment. It did actually look really cute; very short, bouncy, curly etc. I was having coffee with a friend, and another acquaintance (who knew I had gone through treatment) rushed up and shrieked, "OH MY GOD, YOUR HAIR LOOKS SO DARLING! PEOPLE WOULD JUST DIE TO HAVE THAT HAIR STYLE!" Ya think so, huh?!!!!! Amazing.................... two year later and I'm still speechless!

otter

I am not Stage III, so I hope you don't mind if I stop here for a minute and offer a comment.

I also figured, "Oh, you look so good," was a stupid and insensitive thing to say to someone undergoing cancer treatment. 

It was strange, though... when people actually said that to me, it didn't feel all that offensive.  I wasn't working anymore (I retired the year prior to my dx), but I did get out a little during chemo (4 rounds of Taxotere & Cytoxan).  It was obvious that something was going on, because I'd lost all my hair and eventually lost my eyebrows & eyelashes.  When I was bald, I wore ball caps or pretty scarves with big earrings; and people would often comment on how "good" I looked.  Some of them, it turned out, didn't even realize I didn't have any hair.  They thought I had it pinned up under the cap or scarf. 

I credited the "good" remarks to the fact that I was spending more time than usual on make-up (not having eyebrows has that effect on you) and I tried to keep some spring in my step and a smile on my face. It wasn't phoney -- I was honestly glad I felt well enough to be able to get out of the house on those "good" days during chemo. That compensated for how cr*ppy I felt on the other days.

So, although I fully expected my usual "indignation alarm" to go off, and I'd end up responding with some smart *ss comeback, it didn't happen.  In fact, just last month (18 months post-chemo) I went to the post office to mail some cards.  I was waited on by a young (mid-30's) postal clerk I knew but had not seen since my bald, "ball cap" days.  She recognized me, too, and asked how I was doing.  She commented that she really liked my short hair. (I've kept it short, instead of letting it grow back to the shoulder-length style I wore before chemo.)  I told her I was still experimenting with this shorter style.  She grinned and said, "Well, I like it.  It's sassy!"

I liked that. "Sassy" is fine with me.  It's even better than "good".

As for "looking good", I've thought more about that, too.  Before I ever got into this cancer business, I would not have been offended if a friend or family member had said, "Hey, you're looking good today!".  Surprised, maybe; but not offended.

OTOH, there are a lot of other things I'd gladly stand in line to b*tch about, so you'd better not get me started! 

otter 

Judiiiii

People care.  They really do.  I think we need to put ourselves into their shoes.  It is difficult and sometimes uncomfortable.  What is the right thing for them to say, regardless of how we look?  Without those "frickin people" my life would be so much harder.  And I am thankful for them, regardless of what they say.  They are only human and are not here to live up to our expectations.

Bugs

Corrine, you are in the middle of treatment and understandably sick of it all.  You want life to go back to normal and when people make even the most innocent comments it brings the reminder back that you are dealing with this crap.  We understand that!  I don't want you to think that we don't get where you are coming from.

Most of the time these people are just really glad you DO look so good.  Looking good means looking healthy.  But I understand that sometimes you wish they would just not say anything to bring attention to the cancer world.

gramoflexus

Oh my God this happen to me last night at my nieces hockey game . Several people said you look so good . Get this I haven't even started chemo yet . I had all I could do to hold back . I just said  gee isnt that amazing I look good . some people jsut don't know how to talk or react. hang in there

Beverly11

I got and still get the 'you look good' comments.  It drives me crazy but I have learned to be a bit more kind hearted to those people.  They really try but it is unbelievably frustrating.  With so many women having breast cancer you would think that people would know more what to say.  But, how do they learn?  We don't want to offend them back and say too much so they never do.  People are just lost & uneducated with the whole cancer stuff.  I have also had many comments like did they get all of the cancer?  You are so lucky to have fake boobs.  You can wear anything you want. 

My hair is now growing back but I am still very uncomfortable with it.  My husband loves that it is growing back but is very honest to me about my appearance.  He says I have lots of potential.  Doesn't lie to me.  Prefers my long hair and admitted that I look older with my brush cut.  Other people have told me they love my new short hair and it makes me look younger.  That has just made me angry.  I'm not stupid.  I have vented to my husband over & over again about people telling me that I look great.  His response was that I probably look better than they expected.  The color has come back in my face now & my complexion is good. 

Celtic_Spirit

I tolerate fools about as well as Gregory House, MD, and have a tongue like a scalpel to boot, so anyone I suspected would give me grief about cancer/mastectomy/chemo, etc., was purposely left off my "need to know" list. I was in no mood to perform decapitations over stupid comments, so I did most of my coworkers the favor of keeping them in the dark.

That said, when someone said "you look great," it brought me great joy and relief, because I tried my hardest to maintain as much normalcy in my life as I could during treatment.

However, during the middle of chemo, I did start looking kind of gaunt and ashen. That's when my boyfriend's parents stepped up to the plate and began telling me how "beautiful and thin" I looked. His family are all rail-thin and look like escapees from an anorexia clinic. Now that I've put on a few pounds of muscle and look hale and hearty, the "compliments" have stopped. I guess to "look beautiful" in his family I have to emulate the Crypt Keeper. {sigh} Oh, well!

hotandcold

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, for all your replies.  All very valid. 

 These are all very nice, well meaning people so I guess I can't call them frickin.    Yes, these people are trying to offer support, I'll remember that.   You're right, people don't know what to say. I didn't know what to say back, so I started this thread.   I am definitly sick and tired of all of "IT" .  I did need to come here and vent (thanks for "getting it").   It's true, I did work hard to look good.  So, my comment back is going to be along the lines of "Thank you. It's so good to know all the money I spent on the wig and make up were worth it." And, I'll be sincere. 

Thanks again, Corrine

P.S. I've been going at this for over 17 months now and wearing a wig or hat for over a year.    

ElaineD

Glad that the comments have helped-it's a hard road to travel, and I honestly think people's intentions by and large are well meaning. Sometimes it would be easier if they just said, "what can I do to help?". It would address their need to be supportive-and if you needed help in any way, then it gives you the opportunity to take them up on their offer. I personally find it incredibly difficult to ask for help, so any offers are always gratefully received. Good luck with the rest of your treatment-and keep in mind, that you will reach the end of it soon. Remember too that these friends will hopefully be around for a long time to come (I'm stage 1V and you would be surprised at the number of long standing friends who have disappeared, as they can't cope with my terminal diagnosis)-so try to take their compliments in the spirit in which they are intended-after all, it must be nice to be told you're looking good-irregardless of how much effort you put into it. Now, if anyone were to tell me that I looked good, I would know they are lying!!!!

everyminute

I have always had a bit of a self esteem issue and even when people compliment me I dont usually believe them - even pre bc.  During treatment I think people were just shocked that I was up and walking (or running :-)  I did lose too much weight and people told me I was too thin but that is back now and I do have a short almost bob.

My one friend, the first time she saw me without a wig, said with tears in her eyes "you look stunning!" and she meant it!  I tried to carry that with me, though I hated it super short. 

Oddly enough I just ran into her daughter, 14, at a school concert the other day.  The next day she tells my daughter "Your mom is beautiful!"  Ill carry that with me til the next hair cut I guess.

What I find odd is that I dont think many people , except for my dh and dad maybe, told me I was beautiful before cancer.  Did cancer make me prettier?

kimber3006

My boss uses the phroase "Thank you, but I fear you're more kind than honest" with a laugh.  I've thought about stealing that one on the days I KNOW I look like I just got out of bed after a week of the flu - lol!

I think strength is beautiful and attractive.  It emanates from some women in a way that enhances outer beauty.

ElaineD

It may not have made you prettier. But in the same way that a cancer diagnosis shocks the patient to the core, it also shocks our friends and loved ones, and they may want to compliment us, tell us that they love and appreciate us more often than they did in the past. We do the same too-I always try now to be as grateful and upbeat as possible. Glad for every good day-and remember to tell those I love, just how much I appreciate them. So, no, cancer probably didn't make you more beautiful-it just nudged people into acknowledging the beauty that you've always had.

victoriasecret

Just remembered this have to add...I was shopping over the holidays..hate my wig...have worn caps with hat over...matching very nice and not ITCHY !! Soo I bump into an old neighbour who works where I was shopping ...she says" Wow have you been away !!!"she had no idea of what has been happening to me since June. ,not looking at me trying to figure what was different about me,thought I had been south !!.I laughed to myself and just said "No ...I wish "...and left it at that no reason to bear my soul to an old casual neighbour...nice girl tho...Guess I used too much bronzer that day HAAAAA...much love C(heryl)

carol1949

Years ago, cancer seemed to be a death sentence and not a very pretty one.  Today, we know so much more, we see miracles happen every day with treatments both medical and holistic. Many people are afraid and don't know what to say.  I work as a hairstylist and always tell people "In the big picture of life, it is just hair"!  We have so much to be grateful for.  In the last 6 months I have met so many women, long time survivors.... One lady is a 27 year survivor, another 21 years.  What pioneers these women are.  I can only imagine how much more difficult they had it with treaments that were not as friendly as we have available today.

I don't think they mean and harm; I believe the comments are sincere from people when they say "You look good".  I just take it and run with it.  I do look good and I am cancer free. 

I find it most helpful to say my daily affirmations and just keep positive.

Hugs and Healing light sent out to the universe of all my b/c ladies.  For me, it is God's healing light.

diana50

i think that most people have their own idea of "what a person with cancer looks like" or even they have had some kind of personal experience with cancer with someone else they know.  their frame of reference is all they have; so when they see US...they think we look good.  my friends were shocked that i was "out in life" while in treatment...i think some of the comments are from people who aren't exactly educated about cancer and treatment.  and i also think; they don't know what else to say because they are scared for us..and want us to be like we were prior to diagnosis. 

i have tried to educate my friends about having cancer and being a person who lives with oncology appts every 6 months.  prior to my diagnosis; i never even realized there were all these people dealing with ports, chemo, rads....side effects...etc.  because i didn't have anyone in my life that i was relating with who had cancer or was a cancer survivor. my friends now understand what it is like to go through all of this....and are much more empathic regarding some of these issues. 

and sometimes; people are just stupid. but, i am guessing they are stupid in other aspects of their life and their comments to us...are just that.

diana50

apple

and my associate (an alto) who said.

"do you get to keep your hair this time?"

for some reason that got my goat (as they say).

leisaparis

I totally agree. I can look in the mirror and see that I look like crap, and someone will tell me how good I look. They must be crazy or they were expecting me to look like death warmed over. The only thing I can figure is that they thought I would have lost 50 lbs. by now and haven't....thanks to steroids....gained weight if anything. My color has stayed pretty good...I think that has to do with the fact that I stay active and eat a shitload more fruits and veggies than I have ever eaten in my life. My blood count has stayed within range. Didn't miss any chemo ( first round that is ) am on 2nd round before surgery. I know I look like crap and it's kind of nice when my best friend just says " You look like shit ". I tell her thanks, I feel that way too. Needed to vent...thanks...Leisa

kim40

Great thread!

I know when some people tell me "Gee, you look great" they mean it and I know when some people say the same thing because they don't know what else to say.  Really though, what can you say to someone who is undergoing chemo, puking their guts up, bald, no eyebrows, no lashes and no color?  They don't know what else to say......that's the thing.  People automatically say you look good even though the minute you turn your back they are saying "OMG, she looks like shit!" Take it in stride.....that's what I've come to do.