40, single, just lost my virginity to a man, he won't date me

february_girl

I had started another thread but deleted it. But here is my story again:

I am a forty year old single woman. Up until three days ago, I was a virgin.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. The treatments were the most difficult thing that I've ever had to get through in my life but I got through it and have been feeling much better for several months now.

I decided to start dating in October.

Last month I met a man who I was immediately attracted to and decided to live in the moment. We were intimate right from the start but didn't have intercourse until three days ago.

I lost my virginity to a man who doesn't want to date me or be long term with me.

I would never have done it if I hadn't been through such a difficult year. I had fears that I might die a virgin. I wanted to live in the moment. I wanted to experience sexual intercourse fearing that I may not have another chance.

Has anyone ever just had sex with someone or done something that you wouldn't normally have done... but you did it because of your breast cancer experience?

This man has offered to be friends with benefits with me. I don't want to but gave it some thought. I don't know if I'll change my mind. Do you think it's such a bad thing to just have sex with someone for the sake of living in the moment? Help! I need your advice!! As women who have been through diagnosis and treatment, what do you think that I should do?

barbe1958

I don't think you did anything wrong! You DID live in the moment. Don't take away from the experience by second-guessing yourself. Know that you have experienced the most intimate relationship a couple can have outside marriage. Love does make it more special, but the parts still fit without a ring on your finger.

Enjoy being friends with someone who you shared yourself fully with. Don't look to the future, do what you did 3 days ago, live in the moment.

Mai605

I agree with Barbe, living in the moment is part of... well, living!  I wouldn't beat yourself up at all, I probably would have done the same thing under the circumstances.  I would just caution you to be sure this man still shows you respect, whether you're in a committed relationship or not, that's the main thing... I'd hate to see a sista being taken advantage of, especially if may be feeling vulnerable .

((((Hugs))))

february_girl

Thanks barbe1958! That's just what I needed to hear!! I think that I've been starting to second guess myself.

february_girl

Thanks Mai605! I will be careful that he shows me respect going forward... but to be honest, I am feeling vulnerable and been feeling that maybe he has already taken advantage of me.

Mai605

It's okay.... It's never too late to get control of the situation, I can relate totally being single myself and wanting to have someone pay attention to you, make you feel sexy, still attractive after this crap , it's so hard, but you deserve to be respected and treated like a queen, remember that! .

konakat

Living in the moment can be some of the best medicine!  Barbe and Mai said it all -- can't think of a thing to add.

Elizabeth

xoxoxo

Jean09

You go girl!!  Enjoy life!  Sex makes you feel so relaxed and it's good medicine for mind and body.  Just make sure you use protection!!!  You dont need any more diseases to deal with right now!!

unklezwifeonty

Dear February Girl,

Gosh, this is a hard decision. Friendship with benefits has its pros and cons. I think you did what you needed to do. It is even more difficult for us to say whether he took advantage of you or not. Time will tell. BUT even if he did, look at this experience as something that would make you a better, wiser and smarter gal. Sex can be relaxing and helpful in making you feel whole. On the other hand, perhaps the first experience was nothing special, as it can be for some. Give it time and perhaps your relationship will blossom into something beautiful.

rinna40

Sometimes our best experiences can be 'mistakes'.  There is certainly a time when living in the moment is exactly what we should do, and stop worrying if it is a mistake. Be happy with your decision. If you are at peace with it than it certainly isn't a mistake, it is simply what you chose to do for you. You've made me think.... What apple haven't I tasted yet? 

barbe1958

I think YOU took advantage of him!  You got what you needed....

cookiegal

It depends on what you want.

If you really want a serious relationship, I think having a FWB sometimes gets in the way.

You almost need that hornyness to make you get up and go meet someone. Or it's a spiritual energy thing.

If you don't feel the need for a monogamous partner, get your groove on girl. You earned it. Heck have as many "friends" as you want. I think sometimes it is better to have two friends so you don't get to wrapped up with one.

At least the guy is honest with you about what he is capable of.

february_girl

Thanks to everyone for your responses.

One thing that I didn't mention in my original post was that this man has offered to be either "friends with benefits" with me OR "just friends" with me.

I had told him that I'd like to be "just friends".

Later if I change my mind, I think there's always the option of added benefits.

He called me this afternoon and asked if I was doing anything tonight. I told him no, nothing. He asked if he could come over. I said yes, sure. When he arrived, we watched two movies that I had recorded on the DVR -- one which it just so happens that he loves (coincidence!) and the other we had talked about seeing a couple of weeks ago but never got a chance (so finally tonight!).

You should have seen us on my sofa during most of the first movie -- avoiding contact with each other because we are just friends (but not saying anything about it). Sometime during the second movie, we got a little more comfortable on the sofa no longer avoiding contact. After the second movie ended, I'm not sure how or when it started but we started tickling each other and laughing! It was so much fun!! I felt like a kid in high school!!! Then all of a sudden, his hands touched my breasts (with clothes on) and he caressed me (note: I had a left breast lumpectomy). Then he asked me "what are you doing (to me)?" To which I replied, I'm not doing anything. Next, I said "well, decide". He struggled for a moment and then he told me that he had to leave. Before leaving, he thanked me for the movies.

I was feeling great about the fact that he stuck to his word -- we had decided to be "just friends" and we were both able to do it. I suppose that I did give him the option to upgrade to benefits when I said "well, decide" and I'm thinking that he did the right thing. When we had discussed being "just friends" or "friends with benefits" a few days ago, I had asked him why he would want to be "just friends" with me and his response was that being "just friends" is just easy (I guess that implies that dating and relationships is work and sex is just sex). I'd have to agree that being "just friends" is just so easy... I had fun with him tonight and I look forward to hanging out with him again.

I had worried earlier when he called about coming over that he'd end up wanting to have sex with me but that didn't happen. Honestly as attractive as I find him, I don't want to feel like that's all he's there for... and tonight he made me feel pretty wonderful actually.

barbe1958

You done good!

Now remember,  you can't be disappointed if he doesn't call back quick. He might have been testing the waters....

february_girl

barbe1958, I have done good, haven't I?

It did occur to me that he wanted to test the waters with me by suggesting being friends.

I, too, had hoped to test the waters with him to see if I could do this and not expect more.

This living in the moment is great! I had no expectations. I did not over-analyze. I just enjoyed spending time with him. I let things progress or not progress naturally. I wasn't in a rush for anything to happen. If he doesn't call back quick or if at all, then that is really ok with me. My gut feeling is that he will call because I saw the look on his face before he left. He genuinely looked happy. I won't analyze or try to guess why, but if it was fun for me then it must have been fun for him too. He had told me a while ago that he has gotten tired of sex-only relationships. I certainly kept that in my mind when I decided against being friends with benefits. I don't want to have with him something that he has grown tired of and besides if I were to have sex with him again and again then I might get too attached and want to be in a long term relationship with him. I know that I'd over-analyze and pressure him even if it's not my intention to pressure him. I remember that night when we had intercourse and I was analyzing and saying things I don't even remember but clearly he was uncomfortable... when he left here that night, he looked very uncomfortable because I had expectations. But last night was different... he was comfortable and happy. And I was happy too. What a great way to end this year!!

hrf

february_girl, you are doing just fine. If you enjoy his company, then spend time with him. If you want sex, then have sex with him. You are in control. There's nothing you could do that would be the wrong thing. Just don't set up expectations that can't be met. Protect yourself.

Claire_in_Seattle

Wow....  Major congrats on a major milestone in your life.  I think that right now, you need to focus on the "benefits" portion as something very new and different for you.  That is, provided that you like him, but seems you do.  The experience of being that close to someone can be life-changing.

None of us knows what the future will bring.  So in your shoes....provided that you really like him....I would just go for it.  I would explain though that this is all new territory and that you need him to be patient with you.  And make sure you thank him for sharing this major milestone with you.

Yes, make sure you use protection, and be prepared for major positive change in how you feel about yourself.  You will discover things that you really like and you can explore them together.

Again, congrats on a major milestone, and yes indeed, a wonderful way to end the year.

BTW - whether this works out LT is not the point.  The larger point is that you have connected with a man in a new way, and if he is not THE ONE, you will find someone else who is.  So plan on having a new life in your 40s you had never even imagined.  This is about learning who you are this way.....and enjoying the romance, fun, tenderness, joy, and estacy that goes with a wonderful relationship.

cookiegal

everyone's advice is good.

Keep meeting new men if you have a chance, in this sort of situation it can really keep you from spending too much energy on one guy.

And hey, you ended 2009 with a bang!

february_girl

Thanks to everyone for your advice.

And cookiegal, I think you are right that I should keep meeting new men and not spend too much energy on this one guy.

But even if there are no other men in the picture just yet, I don't want this guy to get the impression that I don't have other options... he called at the last minute tonight and wanted to come over. I would have let him if I didn't have a family member over. I don't want to lose control of the situation... I don't want him to think that he can just come over here anytime it's convenient for him... I'm going to make plans to keep myself busy as many nights of the week as possible either meeting new people, going out with friends or doing something on my own. I don't want to get myself in a situation where I'm just waiting around for his call.

konakat

He sounds like a good guy -- he showed respect by letting you be in charge.  Even when you said "you decide" he played it safer and didn't do anything.  Not a lot of guys would have the class to do that. 

I'm useless at the friends with benefits thing -- I get emotionally involved, think he will change (they never do), and get hurt.  I hope you can keep it casual and friends.  He sounds like a good guy -- honest and up front with you.  Sounds like you're having a great time!!

february_girl

It's such a relief to me that everyone who responded thinks it's ok to change my mind about having sex with this man.

He called me yesterday around mid-morning and asked about my new year's and he told me about his. He asked if I had any plans for the day and when I told him where I was going, he asked if he could come along as well. I said sure, why not. We spent several hours together yesterday afternoon and then when we came back to my place we talked about this friends with benefits thing. I told him that I like being just friends with him and when he was over the other night and we were just watching movies together and not doing anything sexual, it was fun for me and he told me that he had fun too. We both loved to be living in the moment and enjoying ourselves. I'm very attracted to this man so I admitted to him that as much as I like being friends, I'm not sure that I can do it -- I'd might like to upgrade to benefits... to which he responded, we can upgrade to benefits once in a while and he laughed. I allowed myself to continue living in the moment and had sex with him again and then again a little later.

He stayed with me nearly the whole day from early afternoon until almost midnight. Even after we had sex, he wasn't in a rush to leave... he left much much later when he saw that I was getting sleepy... it was such a great day with him that I would have loved to have him stay overnight with  me but I didn't pressure him. I tell myself that I will expect nothing... just live in the moment with him... and so far I feel great!

Kyta

Hrf said: february_girl, you are doing just fine. If you enjoy his company, then spend time with him. If you want sex, then have sex with him. You are in control. There's nothing you could do that would be the wrong thing. Just don't set up expectations that can't be met. Protect yourself. took the words right out of my mouth....do whatever feels good to you.

I swear she took the words right out of my mouth...that's exactly what I was going to say! Good luck to you, and however it turns out, hope you have some fun.

hrf

february_girl .... it's good to hear that you are having a good time. You sound very sensible. Keep talking to us. Looks like there are many of us who live to give advice....LOL  Just keeping making yourself #1

barbe1958

Febgirl, guys are all stinky in the morning ... he probably doesn't want you to see him that way!

I used to boot guys out at 2 am so I could get a good nights sleep! heheheee

february_girl

lol, I think he would have stayed if it weren't for my pillows... most uncomfortable even for me! I will definitely shop for new pillows and whatever else I need to make him feel comfortable with me... my mattress is great so that's a start, lol...........

He didn't call at all yesterday and to be honest it wasn't unexpected... we're not dating or in a relationship so I can't expect him to check in with me everyday... surprisingly I wasn't disappointed as it gave me a chance to spend some time alone... to rest up, to think.... sexual intercourse is such a new thing for me.... been trying to figure out a few things....

We had sex three times. Each time he wore a condom. The first time that we had sex (on the previous Sunday when I lost my virginity), he didn't come. Then the next two times we had sex on Saturday he came and he said that he came much faster than he usually does... he said that it was my moaning... it gets him so excited... is there anything that I can do to make it last longer? I can't help myself with the moaning and I know he loves it so what's a girl to do? I'm not complaining about how long it took him to climax.... I was enjoying it but I didn't want it to stop. We tried again to go for round 3 on Saturday night but he got soft right away... what can I do, if anything? I'm hoping that things will get better (not that I'm complaining, mind you)... it's just that I waited such a long time to have intercourse and now I can't seem to get enough

barbe1958

Hmmmm, the not coming the first time is freaky. Did he know you were a virgin before he started? If so he might have felt guilty...

The second time coming fast is a compliment (though disappointment) to you...keep on moaning.

The third time to not get hard is questionable....hmmmm... Dr. Barbe is confused as to this guy's sexual health.....

Sometimes being friends is easier on the ego!

apple

i have to laugh.,

i didn't want to die a virgin either so i had sex on my 21st birthday.. it took me a while to find a taker.

that was a while ago.

since my cancer diagnosis, i  have decided to wear the clothes i want to wear.  I'm not going to do the Kansas 'tight jeans and high heel thing'.

i guess that's kind of like having sex for the heck of it. 

I like your attitude Feb.

hrf

I'm no expert but I'll make a suggestion -- Instead of going right for intercourse, play with each other....men love to be stroked and we women love it too .... spend lots of time making each other feel good .... intercourse becomes one item on the menu and not the whole menu itself.

cookiegal

ed is so super common for so many reasons...both emotional and physical. In my single days, cialis was better than viagra. Since he is not your bf, don't worry about his errection/ endurance issues too much.

konakat

Maybe he has performance anxiety -- he wants it to be perfect for you and nerves got him.  Who knows...  It takes a while to figure out what each person likes, is like, etc...  I think it's all very exciting -- enjoy!

konakat

Feb_girl -- please don't take this as nosy -- but how did the fellow take the whole BC situation, surgery, etc?  It's something I wonder about, my scars, etc. and how a guy would react.  I am nervous about someone seeing me now and wonder how to deal with it.  How did you handle it?

Elizabeth