Flat and Dog Ears, Now What ?

streetangel

Hi,

I desperately need support from women that have had a bi-lateral mastectomy, implants, then implant removal - or - no implants. I had to have my implants removed in Feb. of this year and I am not handling things well. This is my 5th year as a survivor of stage IIA BC. I had the bi-lateral mastectomy because my mother just had her mastectomy, literally, the year before me. We went to the PS appointment together when I was going through the rounds pre-surgery, her to tattoo her nipel, me preparing for removal of both breasts. My grandmother, her mother, also had BC so there was no doubt in my mind, at the time, to remove both breasts. I had many problems with my implants from contracting the autoimmune disorder to multiple infections. Now, I have these scars and dog ears and I'm not thrilled with mirrors. My life is no longer a life, I don't leave the house - I work from home so I don't have to leave for work. I don't like any of my clothes anymore, and cannot get myself to go for prosthesis. I hear all these BC survivor stories and the pink cloud, for me, is not there, its just not. I'm miserable and unhappy, can't imagine being intimate which is hurting my relationship, then I wonder who would EVER want me if I didn't have this relationship. I have fear of sickness and illness all the time, will I be able to work etc. Just many many things. Anybody have similiar expieriences?   

smithlme

I am so sorry you are feeling so defeated and down. Cancer is one vicious b!tch and we are never prepared for what we get dealt. I've read all the stories from women who have had great surgeons, fantastic reconstruction, minimal side effects and life goes on.

I, too, am not one of them. Short story is that I was diagnosed with IDC on my left side in 2007. I chose to have a mastectomy, followed by DD AC and DD Taxol. I attempted TRAM reconstruction in January of 2008 and it failed. Emergency surgery followed to remove the flap and muscle. My dog ears were on my abdomen. Two months later I was diagnosed the second time with a new primary in the right breast. I chose another mastectomy, then found out I am BRCA 2+. I have since had a hysterectomy w/BSO to hopefully avoid ovarian cancer. I have tried wearing a prosthesis, but for me they are hot, heavy and uncomfortable. I have changed sizes and styles and still find them awkward. 

After 5 surgeries I decided enough was enough. As I got back into the gym and attending Yoga I noticed my body changing, as well as my spirit. Yep, I was still flat with dog ears on my stomach, fat under my arms and a lumpy chest. I chose not to have implants for my own reasons. I can't "get back" what cancer took from me. I had to learn to accept and love myself for all I had been through. My attitude is what I had to change.

I decided to have one last surgery to clean up what my former PS had created. 8 weeks ago I had scar revisions on my chest and abdomen. All I can say is that I am thrilled with the results. My chest is flat and smooth, the fat is gone under my arms and my stomach...it is shaped like a stomach is supposed to be.

I'm not saying this has been an easy journey or one that I would recommend to anyone. I had to learn how to make this all work for me. There are days when I miss my breasts and looking good in certain clothes. I still get angry and feel ugly. Those days are getting longer between them. Define what is important to you. Look into your options and give yourself time to think each one through.

In the meantime...hugs to you and be kind to yourself...

Linda

jbau

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I'm almost 3 years out from a failed bilateral tram and still have moments where I feel the same way. Its tough, there is no doubt about it. We can't have our breasts back, but I do have some consolation in not having to worry about mammograms, more biopsies etc and with bilateral can go without a bra when I want to. I have found some small prosthesis and bras that look good, but it does feel awfully good to take them off when I get home. The thing that helps me the most is exercise. It really seems to help my mood. Also, just to force myself to get involved in trying to help others and realizing that everyone has some wound or another, and you have to try not to let this thing get the best of you. I guess time is the best healer - 

Hugs - Jennifer 

baywatcher

Hi Streetangel-

I have a bilateral, no implants. I am not handling things too well either so maybe we can work thru this together.

I had my first breast removed in 04' due to a routine mammogram which showed that I had DCIS in 2 and probably 3 areas of my left breast. I was told that I needed a mastectomy because my breast had a lot of DCIS in it and I wouldn't have a lot of it left after the DCIS was removed. I didn't want to lose my breast but I didn't want to keep the breast and be put in a position later of having a later stage of cancer which is harder to manage.

I kept having mammograms and 2 years later I have a scare. They do an u/s and tell me that they see a cyst. (I freaked out when I got a bad ultrasound). So my next mammo is ok and the one after (08') they find b/c again. The nightmare starts continues..

The doc told me I could have another mastectomy or a lumpectomy with rads. It was a hard decision but I didn't really like being lopsided. I could have had a lumpectomy with rads but this time I chose a mastectomy because I thought it was the smartest thing to do for my health (but I have since wondered about my decision). A bilateral mastectomy was much tougher on me that a unilateral. I had one breast for 4 years and handled the situation reasonably well. I figured I would be able to handle the loss of them both but it has not been easy.

You are not far from me. I am in Key West.

I know exactly how you feel. You can pm (private message) me anytime. If you want to talk, pm me your phone number and the time I should call you and I will do that.

nagem

Like Jennifer, I found that exercise really helped me adjust. You know how little girls are encouraged to participate in sports to avoid seeing themselves as mere sex objects? Well, it works! Physical strength and flexibility and competence are a kind of beauty, and I feel beautiful when I do yoga, say, even though I know that I'm a little different anatomically from other women.

samon

I'm sorry to hear that you had trouble with your implants.  I wish I could offer advice, but I also have trouble dealing with being flat.  I never even had the courage to try reconstruction, but I don't really like being flat either.  I do wear prosthesis when I'm out in public, but usually go without at home.  I do admit that it has gotten a little better with time.  When I'm in public, no one can tell I had anything done so that makes me feel better.  The intimate moments are the hardest.  I'm lucky that my hubby is so understanding and tries to tell me that he loves me no matter what and is still attracted to me.  (actually that's hard for me to believe, but it helps to hear it).  I think that what helps me during those moments is remembering that even if I had done reconstruction, it still would not have felt or looked like the real thing.  I also have fears of sickness and also of LE.  I worry about that way too much.  No one can understand how much this journey changes our lives but women that have been through it themselves.  I wish you well, and hope you can soon feel better about yourself. 

streetangel

Thanks for the input from all, I know they say time heals all wounds, and being around other "support groups" I know that getting out of myself and helping somebody else is always a good answer, and very selfless. I just can't seem to lift myself up these days.