depressed angry and very scared

Amy1971

well its back now in my small bowels? what the heck never heard of bc spreading to the small bowel lymph nodes are also full.

Almost two years to the date of the original bc. I am so scared of what if anything they can do to help me and I am so not ready to die thats for sure I have a wonderful 10 year old daughter who is my life--now I have given her some great genes to work with and feel very guilty for that.

I was almost done tissue expanding and they also had to remove the bc side expander because it ripped open and would no longer stay closed.

I have not seen my oncologist yet i see him monday---not even sure if I want to see him I feel like he failed me. oh and 4 days before my emerg surgery to remove the tumors me and my husband of 20 years split.... how much stress can one person take???? Is stress killing us all?  

I am so scared my life seems like it is spiralling out of control how do we cope? oh I am so mad and disappointed I feel like I failed my daughter and family---hubby really doesnt care he cant wait for me to die so he can get a free house and take my daughter from my family please help! 

rinna40

Amy, I wish I could help. Try to hold it together until you see your onc. There are so many ladies here who beat this even when it shows up somewhere else. Monday is not so long away. Try to relax a little, and maybe do something with your daughter this weekend - go out for dinner or go to a movie? Then on Monday try to be ready for the fight.

vivre

Amy-I don't blame you for being angry, who wouldn't be? But don't give up. Your daughter needs you! There are people who have had recurrances and fought it off. Have you read Jane Plant's book? Hers came back 4 times and she is still alive. Have you read that crazy sexy cancer girls blog? You can fight this thing by doing all you can to pump up your immune system. Start blasting your body with nutrtious food. Take yoga or taichi classes to get your mind and body in sync. Start taking supplements that are anticancer such as curcumin and iodine. I am not saying that that this will cure you, but many people have lived long and healthy lives by fighting back. They treat cancer as a chronic illness, not a death sentence. Start reading and it will give you lots of hope and empower you to take charge. Turn that anger into fight!

You are in my prayers.

Fitztwins

Amy, you need your medical team to know everything that is going on. Ask for some 'meds' for anxiety to help you through.

There are many things to do to control the cancer for a long time. This is so hard to say and do,

but let cancer (and your dumb arse husband) go from your thoughts for the next few days and live in the moment. You will get your plan on Monday. Your doctor didn't fail you.

LC815

Amy,

Your fight is NOT OVER!!  What does your oncologist say? 

Yesterday, I was driving my car when my chest felt tight and I had pain behind my sternum.  I started to get dizzy.  Unhooked my bra.  Not much relief.  Went home and took a half an ativan and a half a glass of wine.  Almost immediately felt better. 

PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR STRESS!  Ask your onc for prescriptions for depression and/or anxiety. 

Have you been tested for the BC genes?  Don't stress about what you're "giving" your daughter.  You're giving her love and life. 

Don't take on the husband right now.  If he wants to legally proceed with the divorce, let him do all the work and take it all on.  You tune it all out.  Do not engage in telephone conversations about the relationship.  Nothing can proceed without you, and right now it is all about YOUR HEALTH!!

I feel like I'm all over the place with this post.  I guess it's because I'm as out of control as you are.

I'm praying for some peace for you.

Linda

Kodapants

Oh Amy,

I know how you feel........After my diagnosis,  everything seemed to go downhill.  I will never be the same.  I have stage 3+,  had chemo before, surgery with path report showing cancer in the other breast.  Then more chemo,  rads and have been waiting to see reconstruction surgeon.  While all this was going on my 12 year relationship fell apart.  First he treated me okay then more and more pushed me away to the point he said he didn't even want to be friends.  I have known him since 8th grade.  I am fearful in my own community to even see him,  I am paranoid.  In addition,  my closest friend who lives out of town has drifted away, I tried contacting some old friends with a cold shoulder. Even 2 of my sisters have been kinda cold.  My Mom, and 2 other sisters have been my rock as well as a some people at work.  I am so scared of the next disaster.......my hair is growing back,  I am now post menapausal, no sexual desire what so ever.  hot flashes from hell!!~! Taking Neurotin, Prozac.  My joints hurt so bad,  as well as back and neck.  Breast cancer has been a living hell. I would love to move,  but where?  Who would hire me?  I have already cost our company plenty.  My son has been there for me as much as he is capable for not having experienced loss.  I wanted you to know you are not alone, thats the most important part. p.s. this is my first post.

vivre

Geesh Koda, my heart goes out to you too. It is so hard to deal with this damn disease without feeling deserted by others. I too had so much anger towards people around me. My MIL told me that I was lucky compared to my 12 year old nephew because he broke his leg and may not be able to play football! I had a lot of other insensitive reactions from others. I decided to get out and walk and would literally stomp along, filled with anger. But gradually, I came to realize that although I could not control those around me,I could control how it affected me. I realized that they had their own problems, and my expectations of them were just not in there personality. I too noticed that some people walk away, as if we were contagious. Getting healthy takes time and needs a total mind body soul approach. I also found the path to healing by reading books. I found a lot of information that was optimistic and helpful and helped me to feel empowered instead of victimized by cancer. With each book, I realized how much I could do to heal myself. Doctors are not gods, only God is God, and I had to have faith.

I soon realized that there were a lot of physiological reasons for the way I was feeling. Mostly, it was how much my hormonal system was totally out of whack. I found a doctor who did tests to determine my inbalances and then began to change things. My thyroid was hypo, so I started on iodine, my vit d level was very low, so started supplements, etc etc. I feel like a totally different person now than I ever was before. I cannot believe how much energy I have since I got it all balanced. Yes, I still have stress like everyone, but I head out for a walk on those days. Yes, I still have toxic people in my life, but I just politely say hello and do not let them upset me.I have found that my new attitude has attracted new friends who are on my wavelength.

My point is, that you have a choice, you can let cancer defeat you, or you can fight it with a full aresenal. Only you have the power, within you. Life is a gift. Open it and enjoy the present.

Kodapants

Thank you Vivre,

You are right,  I do have a choice and have my good days and bad.  I feel like I have thrown God under the bus,  he has been my salvation and I know that.  Positive life radio a station I play at work has helped me with the hopelessness.  I know I have to take responsibility for my part,  It's not gods fault that I chose the kind of man that I did.  I do forget a lot that I have cancer,  but I still grieve the loss of my relationship.  Things can always be so much worse,  and I do thank God!  I have been reading these forums on and off this past year to find common experiences. Thank you for your input.

Fidelia

Hi All,

I so understand the agony of being let down by the very people you would hope would give you the most support. Amy1971 you have just been handed a lot of hard things and now waiting for help - this is the very worst stage of all - but as everyone here has said - you can and will get through this. First thing - you have to work with your oncologist. If you find him/her not sympathetic or not willing to listen to everything that is currently relevant to you - get their clinical opinion of next treatment - ask about every option available and while you are assessing your clinical options - assess your doctor - is this the person you can trust with your life at the moment? Can you tell him/her exactly how you are feeling and ask any question? If the answer is no - find another onc - after, of course, getting your clinical options. THis is unbelievably tough - but you need to keep the emotions there - simmering and ready for use - but let your head do the driving - just for now.

As for the husband - I think fitztwins says it all - the last thing you need right now is a dumb-arse anyone - if your husband chooses the very lowest point you have experienced to do this - then he should be part of that distant past when you were able to trust and forgive and waste time - you now have a major mission to survive and raise that wonderful daughter of yours. You did not give her bad genes - we are none of us responsible for our genetic makeup - it is handed to us and then modified over our lives - largely by things we cannot control - let that fear and responsibility go - get help with your current disease - LC815 is completely correct - let your former husband stew - do not help him ruin your life - get help from all the good people in your life - when you see the onc - this will be the beginning of taking control - as far as any of us can. As for this disease and the quality of care - it is a difficult and demanding disease - oncs are only human - they make mistakes - but sometimes - even when they and you get everything right - this disease surprises you - but you can surprise it right back - do the reading as Vivre suggests, focus on yourself, your daughter and all the resources your body has... come back and let everyone know how you get on with the onc - everyone here genuinely cares - this is a start to healing.

Fidelia

Amy1971

oh my Thank you everyone for your support.

I am just feeling so overwhelmed esp because they keep telling me that bc dosent usually go to the bowel but it was for sure bc by the pathology report.

I am not in the emotional state of mind at this point to do an awful lot of reading as I did the first time around but my sister is on behalf of me.

my poor mom we just lost my dad a year ago august from neuroendocrine tumours of the liver so she is very scared for me esp being the youngest daughter.

but my mom sister and daughter are my rocks I look at my daughter and try so hard not to cry she is so positive she says mom you beat it once and you will beat it again.hmmm she is so strong esp being only 10.

hubby well thats a whole other story I try not to think to much about it all thats for sure. He doesnt really care so much about me or her. For some reason though when I think of him I go into fighting mode I for sure dont want to satisfy him by failing.

thanks everyone I will also ask for better meds the only thing they gave me was ativan and I find it really doesnt do much of anything for me

I will let everyone know whats going on when I find out Monday.       

Bclost

Hello. Finally I found someone with stage 3 grade 3 breast cancer. That's the same diagnosis I have but I don't know the subcategory of a bee or C so I wanted to hear what your symptoms were so maybe I could put it all together. I think yours said that you had stage 3 grade 3B. What exactly does that mean? My OC is so lacking in details.

Emily2008

Bclost, this is a very old thread...from 2009. You may get more responses if you start your own thread in the Just Diagnosed, or Stage III forums.

Good luck!