The dumbest things people have said to you/about you

AStorm

Umm, I do believe there is sex after bc. 

Laurie - I get that a lot. I guess people think there is a "cancer lite". In fact, when I tell anyone about my experience I preface it with "I am extremely lucky" because I feel I have gotten off easy even though the reconstruction has been a rough road (I've been under general anesthesia 5 times in 13 months, plus 2x under local). I had bmx too and I don't think people really understand what that entails or the pain and emotional toll. They think it is a means of getting a free boob job. I explain it like this: "treatment has 3 elements: slash, burn, and poison. I chose a lot of slashing and 5 years of low level poison." My kids are teenagers and my mother passed away several years ago but I think I'm going to start using "oh, the baby is up"  and "I think I hear my mother calling". Those who are capable may be moved to ponder the statement.

changes

Laurie - Unbelievable! not "real" cancer????

Gail - I like your summary of treatment as involving slashing, burning, and poisoning. I think I'll start telling people I had a slight slashing, moderate burning, and then 5 years of the low level poisoning.

One of my friends who managed to disappear during my treatment called me tonight and asked what I had been up to lately. Huh? She knew I was having 6 1/2 weeks of radiation. Did she think I took a trip to Europe in the middle of it? Oh, well. I know it makes people uncomfortable and they don't know what to say. I try not to get frustrated, and for the most part, no one has said anything profoundly stupid to me, unlike what some of you have had to listen to.

Hope everyone has a nice week,

Karen

kittycat

mcbird - an EMBALMER???  Really???  That really takes the cake!  What a gruesome thing to say!  You could have told her that you needed a Taxodermist (sp?)!  That would have thrown her for a loop! 

kittycat

Lauri - I love the "I didn't survive CANCER just to die of STRESS" button!  I need to wear that at work!!! 

Astorm - I totally agree with your assessment.  I really think last year that people thought I just had surgery and my BC was no big deal.  This was further reaffirmed when I got dx again and had to get chemo (and people all of a sudden started to feel sorry for me).  Not that I wanted anyone's pity, but I got kind of blown off.  I really think they just thought I was getting plastic surgery.  Please!!!  Chemo is definitely tough, but the tissue expander process was no walk in the park either!!! 

tamgam

Slash/burn/poison- love it!

FireKracker

lately people are really pissing me off.one of my dear friends said to me after i was diagnosed with bc LETS GO ON A CRUISE. when i said to her are you kidding me she said oh well ill get someone else then

another one emailed me asking me how are you doin?did the cancer come back???.hello it never left.i didnt have surgery yet.are people really that DUMB??????

Anonymous

karenlen- I'm sorry you were having a hard day.  Your post where you wrote, "I think for me, next to the fear of dying, realizing how many people I had in my life who were not REALLY friends was the most difficult aspect of being diagnosed with cancer" summed up perfectly what I, too, have been experiencing.  Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in this phenomenon.  It has happened to me with breast cancer, my mom with a lengthy shingles outbreak and a neighbor who has throat cancer.  I admire your courage in standing up to your friend but you're right- it's just one more loss in a serious of them.  The hardest part is it's a loss that is completely preventable on their part.  

bcincolorado

I do think some of the worst part is that I find myself being more intolerant of idiots and pettiness.  Life is too short.  I just don't want to waste my energy being mad at people or doing things I just don't want to do.  Unfortunatley, I still need that pay check, so hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I'll go tomorrow morning!

raeinnz

granny - "another one emailed me asking me how are you doin?did the cancer come back???.hello it never left.i didnt have surgery yet.are people really that DUMB??????"  This made me laugh out loud for some reason - it is so UNBELIEVABLY dumb that the only thing you can do about it is laugh!

lmays

"If I ever had a mastectomy, I would probably never be able to have sex again"

psavast - Thanks for my morning spit-take.  This is hilarious!!

Made me think, perhaps, your friend did not fully understand which body part is removed during the mastectomy. :0)

mrsb45

I actually had an obnoxious co-worker ask "does your husband still want to have sex with you since your BMX" She's a real idiot so I took it from the source. She is a constant nasty sarcastic woman who causes me constant stress and frustration so I (along with my husband) are in agreement that later today I will be resigning... This is a 60,000/yr position but I also have a 3 1/2 hr commute every day and have decided to listen to that little voice inside of me to "take care of yourself now" because it's not worth it... I can't wait and know I will be sooooo much happier... Will take a little time for myself and the start looking closer to home..

Stanzie

mrsb45- Congratulations on your decision! Sounds like you will be much happier and so glad your husband supports you!

Angelice

i now have experts in b/c  around me,  after i got it, they all know some one had it, got it, and how i should go about it,  what  food  i should eat ,excercise,and of course  being strong ..mhmm ..oh and i also was told  god has given this to you for  a reason .. great thanks ...

tkn4granted

Hi everyone!  after reading so many post about stupid things people say to you, I think I'll prepare myself for an immediate clever response.  I'm having biopsy done in 2wks, and so far I haven't told anyone except for families.  I just don't know how to response to someone sharing with me such news, so the unknown response has kept me from letting close friends and co-worker know that I'm scared and petrified of having cancer.  Any thoughts or ideas?

AStorm

tkn4granted - I always preface my diagnosis with "I am very lucky" -- it softens the blow a bit and I need to constantly remind myself that I am, in fact, very fortunate to have found the tumor so early. On the other hand, those who don't know me well think I "sort of" had cancer and don't realize I've lost both breasts and been through 5 operations.

NativeMainer

One of my favorite stock come-backs to stupid comments is a very sweet "It still surprises me how many intelligent people have said really dumb and hurtful things to me."  The person you're talking to thinks you're changing the subject, but later often realizes that I GOTCHA!  My other fav is "I wonder why you asked such a question."  if I'm feeling nice, or "Why do you want to know" if I'm feeling snarky. 

FireKracker

Rae.i just remembered the rest of the answer i told her when she said did the bc come back.i said the bc never went away.the only place its gonna go is in remission.this was chatting on facebook.she got off line right after that.lol.people are really so stupid when it comes to bc.they dont have a clue.you really have to walk the walk to understand it.i thought i knew a lot.i have many friends who had breast cancer years ago and are fine today THANK GOD. i still didnt walk the walk.

eileen1955

I understand what many of you say about a good friend who says something "hurtful" but we struggle to keep the venom from stinging.

My BFF since kindergarten, second mother to my kids, keep saying the same stupid thing when the suhject of my BPM arises. (I'm still collecting info and deciding)    Each and every time, she says " Maybe we can get a 2 for 1 deal b/c I need a breast reduction. My back is killing me from my huge boobs."   

I'm in therapy so I mentioned it to my therapist.     Now I realize that my friend does this b/c she is terrified of bc which took her mom's life. She does not get mammos.  So this is a raw nerve for her.

So I've decided to let it go.  I pretend that it's an arrow that does not even scrape my skin.

It's an indication that my BFF is in more psychic pain (about bc) than I realized.     eileen

LadyinBama

I've had people tell me it's all "for a reason" too. I hate that one. One guy had the nerve to say that "adversity builds character." I told him that in the last few years,  I've lost both my parents to long, lingering illnesses plus my first husband from a sudden heart attack. I have plenty of character, thank you very much.

raeinnz

tkn4granted - sorry you have such a long wait for your biopsy - waiting is just the pits!  I was open and honest with everyone and that seemed to work for me.  Initially I was very general and told them I had BC, that I was scared and didn't know what was going to happen and that I would keep them up to date with information as I got it.  I actually set up an email group of people who wanted to be kept in the loop and sent out update emails.  Seems crazy that I would be that organised at such a stressful time but I guess writing info down not only helped get my thoughts organised but it meant people knew what was going on without me having to deal personally with lots of calls which I was definitely not up to in that first couple of months.  I found people were mostly sympathetic and encouraging but there were those who avoided me, especially at work, and I went along with that as I didn't have the energy to do anything else.

LadyinBama - I am sorry to hear you have had such a harrowing few years - you must be absolutely exhausted emotionally and now you are having to deal with your own illness.  I lost my Dad after an 18 month lingering illness and know what a toll it takes.  My thoughts are with you.

Go granny - tell them how it is!  Your friend will 'have a clue' now thanks to you although I agree unless you have walked the walk you can never really understand.

I have a dumb post but I was the culprit.  Went to the GP on Monday for my 3 monthly prescriptions.  Got the prescription list, read it, got it filled at the pharmacy, got home and read the dispensery list and checked all the items against the list - all ok.  Went today to take my Femara and none there!!! - , my brain is just mush!!!!  Of all the medications I take that, in my mind, is the most important and it is the one I forgot!.  The doctor forgot as well though so I don't feel so bad.

NativeMainer

Every time I hear the "builds character" line I want to ask "So what was wrong with my character before?"  just to see the look I get. Some day I will have enough balls to do that. 

raeinnz

NM - I like your style!  I haven't had the character building thing said to me but I will have that one waiting if it ever happens.  I use the 'why do you want to know that?' comeback when someone asks me a question I don't want to answer.  It usually takes people by surprize and they stammer and say it doesn't matter now.  I expect your comeback would leave them speechless!!!

Anonymous

Maybe when someone comments on BC building our character we should reply that we already have plenty of that.  If we didn't, they would be road kill right now.  Just a thought....

mbtlcsw01

We could start a Build Character with BC tour, write books, go on a talk show circuit, make alot of money--well, no.  Kate you crack me up. LOL

Angelice

lol ..thats funny

Jelson

tkn4granted

I didn't tell anyone outside of my family the results of my needle/core biopsy - which indicated DCIS, until after I had my excisional biopsy. I figured it would be easier to share that I had BC when I had a better idea of what the treatment plan would be since I didn't want to be asked alot of questions for which I had no answers yet.That would have just heightened my anxiety - which was that I hoped it was indeed DCIS - only. 

share your fears with us.

Julie E

Stanzie

NM - I love your comeback now if only I could remember them at appropiate moments! I remember a very long time ago I guess it was in the early 80's a yound girl (wern't we all then) I worked with told me her Mom was diagnosed with BC. I had never known anyone who had cancer of any kind and honestly thought her Mom was going to die. Because of that, I remember being really careful not to say much but just let her talk and followed her lead on everything. When I think back on that I think I did OK not to say somethng stupid, at least she kept coming back to talk and share with me about her frears and thoughts. I have lost track over the years but I still think of them and hope they are both still strong and healthy.

FireKracker

there is something to be said about SILENCE IS GOLDEN.

kmccraw423

Stanzie ... that's all anyone wants - just let them talk.  Be a good listener.  What you did was more than OK; You did the right thing.

Grannydukes ... I love your "silence is golden" remark.

I can't believe some of things people have said to so many of you.  I think we need Emily Post!

tkn4granted

Sometimes silence can be misinterpretated as "this is not my problem and I don't like to talk about it".  It is hard to read peoples intentions.   some are well meaning, but few are just plain ignorence.  People at work knows that I'm taking two days off from work on sept 27th for biopsy and the 30th to go back for results.  I don't know how to handle questions and comments if the results are bad and I definitely don't want to cry.  There is not much that goes on at work without everyone knowing your business.