The dumbest things people have said to you/about you

Ariom

I laugh about it now, but when I told some new aquaintances that I had been called back after a routine Mammogram, they all jumped in with, eyes rolling, "Oh everyone I know has been called back, it never comes to anything!"

That was enough to set me off thinking, I have to be the exception, the one that makes the stats, and I was right. I saw one of these women recently and she floored me by saying "I don't believe you moved to this beautiful place to get sick and die from BC!" You'll be fine!

Gee, thanks Darl', I hope you're right about that one!

barbe1958

I've answered "I'm positive I have breast cancer!" That does shut people up.

I'll repost my experience when I had my "bad" mammo where I bled all over the machine. I actually told a guy at work in the next office to mine. He said "Oh breast cancer is a chronic disease now adays and no one dies from it anymore. You'll be fine." I walked out of his office kinda stunned. Then karma bit. His daughter-in-law was diagnosed a month after me! I reminded him about his comment to me which he didn't remember, but it did stop him and made him think. He actually apologized as he now "got it".

Anonymous

LOL Trinity, do you REALLY want me to start? REALLY? ... OK heres another one I can't resist...coz oh yeah, visualization is another one of my pet annoyances which I put in the hocus pocus bin. Every single time when you drill down to the facts of the matter, it comes to this: all these are nothing but mind games to try and change reality with the power of your mind. It is essentially man/woman trying to be God. I personally have very stringent borderlines about this, but that aside, I can see the damage it does to hurting vulnerable people by building up false hopes on presumptuous lies, and that's why I hate it so much. Suffice it say, play in the devils playground and sooner or later hes going to collect the rent. Yeah, you might get results, (aka the warm fuzzies) but in the end these will be far more costly than they're worth. I really get SOOOO SOOOO tired of this "positive" stuff that's shoved down peoples necks from every angle you can think of. Ah well rant # 3.

Ariom, HUH? how the heck do they know? seems like you have some serious "prophets" around you. This would be my reply to the "you'll be just fine" crowd...

Since you're foretelling the future that is a spiritual thing to do, so you've either been speaking to God or satan, which one is it? ( I wouldnt be using Gods name cheaply either, like as a means to an end just to get a point across, as Im a Christian)

Good response Barbe. There WILL be situations when that reply will have the desired affect. As we know, sometimes there's a real definite way to deal with people according to things like their tone of voice and body language. Good he apologized. (Genuine) apologies are great things. They still have the power to stop wars despite the new age idea "never apologize for anything". Its a 2 way street too, they relieve the offender and the offended.

NativeMainer

Visualize a clear pathology report?How does that work if the lymph nodes have already been removed from my body?

Would the same person tell someone after surgery to visualize the pain is gone?

I did once say that I am positive that breast cancer stole 3 summers of my life, both of my breasts, and all the trust I had in health care workers.That person shut up and walked away (Hooray!)

My favorite trickis to return the favor, so to speak.Most of these people have some sort of health issue that is big in their lives, that they go to doctor's appointments for or take medication for.If I know what that is I use it.I should be positive?Oh, how long did it take being positive for you to get off your blood pressure medication?Oh?You must have been so positive that you didn't need any pain medication after your last surgery, how wonderful!They usually get the point.

Musical--I agree with you wholeheartedly.The whole mind game thing is just another way to blame the victim.

georgie1112

Saw my BS yesterday. Cannot believe what she said!!! We discussed my seromas which are still being drained, lymphedema issues and edema. Then she started a discussion about accepting our bodies. I get that. And am working on accepting the loss of my breasts and my body. It's only been 7 weeks.

She said we can never get our bodies back to how they used to look. She said for example that she has rolls on her midriff that she will never be able to get rid of even though she doesn't eat a lot and exercises. Holy crap, she is 20+ years younger than I am. Basically told me not to try to lose weight which I mentioned. Anyway after I left, I felt unsettled that she spent time talking about her minimal midriff fat and issues with her changing metabolism when I am dealing my unreconstructed mastectomy, seromas, LE. Ugh.

milehighgirl

Georgie, I can't believe that someone who works in cancer treatment is that cold hearted!!!!  I am "visualizing a positive result" with this goofball that she will some day have to go through the exact same thing.  Sounds awful to wish that on someone but I'm convinced that it's the only way that people will ever get it.

I'm so sorry you had to experience that, especially still being so close to your recent surgery.  Lovely lady, there will be many many others who are compassionate and kind and will lift you up, not tear you down.  Suffice it to say, there is a reason for this type of thread - who would have thought!

Blessings.  Sue

georgie1112

Thanks, Milehigh girl. It helps so much to have a place to vent! Cause I don't want to hang on to negative feelings as the person it hurts is me. Hugs,

georgie

MaryLW

Georgie, wow, rolls on the midriff compared to a life threatening disease in which the treatment involves slashing, burning, and poisoning. And there's no guarantee that the treatment works. She sounds like she needs some sensitivity training.

Anonymous

"I should be positive?Oh, how long did it take being positive for you to get off your blood pressure medication?"

Native, LOL. Using "the pot calling the kettle black" phrases are a great way to put someone in their place. Good one. Wouldn't it be nice if they actually learned from it and passed it on. Unfortunately for the most part, I suspect selfish people will carry right on being selfish until they REALLY get a wake up call. Whether sooner or later, we can count on the reaping and sewing principle to take effect.

The whole mind game thing is just another way to blame the victim.

Yes, and the motive behind people blaming victims is it takes the heat off them to DO something. Again, selfishness. These days thanks to the "anything goes" culture its acceptable and thus easy to put the onus on a victim to "will" their way out of their troubles and if they dont "perform" well enough then it becomes their fault. So they compound the problem by adding insult to injury. The victim, then, cops a double whammy.

mnmbeck

When I returned to a group activity (a group of moms doing a thing with the kids), the moms group asked many questions about how things were going for me, then quickly changed the subject to a mutual friend who had miraculously gone into remission from her stage 4 breast cancer, but was now having a recurrence, and invited me to a benefit they were having in her honor. In some ways, it was nice to be part of 'regular conversation' again, but I was terrified after that conversation. I thought it was interesting timing on their part.....just 4 weeks after my BMX.

Also, it seems I only recently stopped crying. (after 6 weeks). Before then, everyone who said a single word to me got a blubbering idiot in return. I was so terrified, in pain, miserable, depressed, etc. I just sobbed through the conversation. The first time somebody said to me "you are being SO strong through all of this." Huh? I actually started to laugh. I asked "If I'm strong, I wonder...what does weak look like?" and also "you made such a brave decision. I don't know if I could have done that." I actually do reply to that one. I tell them that my decision was made out of paralyzing fear. I just want to live, and I didn't have any other choice.

NativeMainer

Georgie--sounds like that BS does NOT get it.At all.

Musical--a few time when I've used the pot calling kettle black approach I've gotten the "oh that's different" response.I just shake my head and walk away at thatpoint.

Mnmbeck--wow, whata welcome back conversation!Talk about awkward timing.I can't imagine how you felt!

barbe1958

Mnmbeck, you can educate your group that a stage IV is NEVER in remission. In fact, they don't even USE the word "remission" for breast cancer as it's truly never gone. (That's why there are still "Run for the CURE" events!!! The word for that woman is NED (no evidence of disease) and she didn't have a recurrence, her cancer just reappeared in another spot. Educating people is our strongest weapon!!

pipers_dream

Some of these posts are really funny. I had a friend call last night and she admitted that she'd waited a few days b/c she was so afraid of putting her foot in her mouth and after struggling for the right words for a few minutes she busted out with, "Are you going to DIE?!!" I just fell out laughing and things got a lot easier after that. I love that gal. Not everyone could have said that to me though.

Anonymous

georgie, that midriff comment really is dumb. When people feel they have a dire need to pull something out of the hat to compare with a serious disease like BC ... and anything will do, as long as its SOMETHING ....its a clear case of foot and mouth disease. She would have been better to just shut up.

Native, the "Oh thats different" response would be typical of some people. The worlds full of excuses.

mnmbeck - "got a blubbering idiot in return " Gentle Hugs.

I never like to actually say to people I dont know, what they are and are not, especially when they've said they are a particular thing themselves. However in your case I can promise you, you are not a blubbering idiot at all. BC is a serious business. It's where reality hits as hard as a brick. Its where the rubber meets the road. Its where hard decisions HAVE to be made, and those are ALWAYS the lesser of 2 evils. Some choice!



"you are being SO strong through all of this."

"you made such a brave decision"



So here we go again. What people are really doing is NOT telling you, you ARE brave and strong but TO BE brave and strong. Just dumping expectations on you and how subtle the change in meaning from present tense to future tense.



Depending on who it is, Id say, No. Actually youre wrong. Im NOT brave, or strong, you just want me to be like that.

pipers, youre so right, it largely depends on who it is that says things.

georgie1112

Barbe,

I hate the "you'll be fine" quote or "no one dies from bc anymore". The person that irked me the most who said that was a nurse who was co-leading a support group. There were 12 of us in the room and she told us we would all be fine! Really??? I made a comment to the leader after I the group was over and she said, "She was just trying to be positive".

I hate the false hope thing cause no one knows and we all know people who have died of bc. A woman in a different bc support group died. Anyway, never went back to that first group. Instead of acknowledging that cancer is stressful and scary they just tried to minimize it by saying we would all be okay. And she was an MSW.

MaryLW, Yes the poor BS needs some sensitivity training. In her way, she was trying, but she doesn't have a clue how she came across.

Mnmbeck, Wow, it is sadly TOO COMMON when people learn you have cancer for them to bring up someone who has stage 4 or someone they know who died. OMG what are they thinking? Cry when you need to.

Ariom, I hear the same thing. Oh, most biopsies are benign. They are usually "nothing". I think people just are trying to deal with THEIR fear. It is too scary and real to have someone they know get cancer, because that means they can too. So anyway to push the fear away. Sigh...

I have stopped telling people I have cancer. I don't want to deal with their issues.

barbe1958

I am so SICK of people not acknowledging that those of us who are "only" a lesser stage than IV have NO idea of what breast cancer is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is some of our "sisters" here in the Forum who think that only THEY have breast cancer as THEY are stage IV. Sorry gals, but I suffered too!!!!!! My double masts were not "nothing" and I know more DCIS gals (I'm a Papillary Carcinoma gal myself) that have breasts removed than all the stage IV's put together!!

We are ALL dying. ALL of us. No ONE gets out of this world alive!! MY fear of progression is just as REAL as their fear!!!! THEY are under-going treatment as we speak. I'm NOT!!

YKYACW you are more fearful without treatment than WITH it!!!

FairyDogMother

Someone wanted to know about the "sex drive" while on chemo. I said "Chemo kills any sex drive". The person's reply, "Yours not his".

My responds, "If your spouse had no sex drive with chemo you would just force them to enjoy it especially if it is painful and they can not feel any sensation"

yarnhoarder

So far, it has to be this one:

"Did it freak you out to lose your breast?"

Kind of, yeah.

yarnhoarder

I love the "stay positive" mantra, as if that will help cure this thing. My husband and kids were the ones who stayed positive for me.

georgie1112

barbe,

Everyone's experience with BC is different. I feel lucky to have only had stage 1 and I think people who have stage 4 are in a different category and our sisters deserve kindness, support and respect. As we all do!

Georgie

BookWoman

Well said Georgie! Even though I have had three different cancers in less than 4 years I still feel lucky that they were all stage 0 or 1.

christina0001

yarnhoarder, yup that is definitely a dumb question to ask!

Anonymous

Barbe - what you said. My thoughts too EXACTLY.

Georgie1112, no one is disrespecting, unkind, or unsupportive of Stage4. The fact of the matter is the line is much more blurred between the stages than what we'd like to think. Barbe is right, some have made a huge issue out of separating themselves from others, and other Stage 4ers have not.

Ariom

Musical and Barb, I agree too. I was oblivious to all this and was shocked when I "copped a serve" from a stage lV, when I first started posting here.

I am forever grateful for my Dx, but I also don't judge, or disrespect anyone of any stage.

There are several stage lV ladies in the very mixed bag of Dx, BC group I belong to. They are grateful for the support we give to them, and also very supportive of all of us, whatever our stage. That's why I keep returning to our meetings once a month. I have made a circle of wonderful friends who may not all be staged the same, but are all very comfortable together.

Unfortunately, although we are just a small coastal town, there seems to be someone new arriving at our meetings every couple of months, some newly Dx, some from recurrence.

It's a bloody epidemic.

Anonymous

Ariom it is an epidemic. It is also great that your group intermingles without barriers as in my view, it should be. It sounds lovely and supportive. This should be about mutual respect, NOT segregation. Any of us at any time could get mets. There is no rhyme nor reason about what course this horrible thing takes. The cure is nothing spectacular either... if you don't die of something else first. Some cure . As such, we all have that "thing" in the back of our minds that can resurface at any time for any reason.

I'm really sorry too that you "got a serve" from a Stage4er. I'm sure she would have been in the minority though. When we had that issue come up about "lesser stages" posting on the 4 boards, strangely enough a lot of the vigorous "back up" was from non stage 4ers. There were other stage 4ers who didn't want segregation and were even quite disgusted by it. They were pleased to be able to give much needed answers to those who wanted to know things without feeling threatened.

My bone of contention was that OK, if the Stage4s wanted a private area for only them, then I totally respected that.... go for it, but make it totally private like as a locked forum or something, not as a "You can look but dont touch" area, not as putting themselves on display where outsiders were allowed only as "spectators" to look on with NO interaction and NO ability to question and learn. One of the issues was that they may not of "felt" like answering, well no one HAS TO answer on any of the boards, Im sure it would be no different on Stage4 boards. Everybody gets it about off days. We all most certainly get it about dx and its waiting room.

Ariom

Thanks for that Musical!

I have to say, I have made friends with a number of stage lV ladies on these boards who are a great support and give advice freely to anyone who asks. Their presence and wisdom is very much appreciated.

As you said, as with anything in life, there will always be a minority who have a very different take on things.

MaryLW

Barbe, it's not a contest. Why the hostility toward people whose disease has spread?

chabba

Mary, I don't see Barb as hostil but rather passionate about trying to wake up those she sees as having a hopeless viewpoint that "everything will be OK".  My view is that we don't know the future, what will be will be and it does no good to worry about it. But I won't wear rose colored glasses either and I will try to optimise my chances.

Anonymous

MaryLW, Barbe said:

"It is some of our "sisters" here in the Forum"

You seem to have portrayed her as being hostile to all whose disease has spread. My take was she was pointing out in general that SOME stage 4ers treat us like we don't know what it's like to have Cancer. If that is true then thats not hostile, its honest. If it has anything to do with when the stage 4 forums were closed to others, and the ensuing arguments surrounding that then I have to agree with her. The fact is there were a few who were condescending and thought they had a right to be because of their St4 status, as if it gave them a right to treat us as lesser individuals. A few Stage 4s are VERY pushy. Sorry, THAT was the feeling I got and obviously I wasnt the only one. Quite frankly I would like to post and interact on the St4 boards but I wont because of the few who think they deserve more respect than others. NOBODY has the right to act condescendingly to anyone else no matter what their lot in life.

barbe1958

Thanks for the "help" ladies. I will post on a stage IV thread about things like pain for instance that I DO know of. Do I post on threads of chemo and rads for stage IV?? NO! Unless it is one of my "besties" though quite a number of them have passed. In the 5 years on this Forum, about once a year this "but we ARE different" fight goes on. Sometimes it's the stage IV's, sometimes the stage III's and sometimes it's the LCIS gals. We ARE all different, but we are very, very much alike as humans. I get a LOT of PMs from ladies thanking me for saying what they are too afraid to say when I defend myself on a thread. For that I will continue.

We are all just walking each other Home.

YKYACP when your tolerance for bullshit is pretty much gone! This isn't a sandbox ladies, this is life and we don't get a second shot at it!!!