The dumbest things people have said to you/about you

NancyHB

I tried to explain in my blog recently that saying things like, "Well, we're all going to die someday" is not helpful.  It may be true and we may know that in the back of our minds, but unless you're faced with something (like BC) that forces you to face the reality of your own mortality, you can't understand how unhelpful those kinds of comments are.  It's not black-and-white; you're not alive or dead.  We are alive, but still battling to stay alive, not to succumb, not to die.  It's that huge grey area in between in which we live after diagnosis - probably for the rest of our lives.  I just cannot fathom how someone thinks those death comments are helpful?

Unless your Charles, of course - he's got the best of both worlds, being both alive AND dead at the same time.

Charles_Pelkey

As it turns out, NancyHB, I am dead only in the eyes of the Pink Ladies at Susan G Komen. That's fine with me. 

As for dumb things said, I've heard more than my share. For some reason, guys with breast cancer seem to elicit more than our fair share of silly-assed remarks. I'm getting used to them and learning to roll with it.

I wrote about this in a guest piece on CoolBreeze's Blog but I have to say the thing that makes me scratch my head is hearing people who, after learning of my diagnosis, say to me with an air of expertise that "oh yes, men get breast cancer, too." Well, d'uhhhh.

NancyHB

When I talk about BC, I always include men in my discussions with others.  Some people kind of brush it off, like because it doesn't happen as often as it does with women, it doesn't matter.  As women we are highly educated about BC; men are not.  So tired of stupid comments sometimes...

babsbrink

 I got this in an email from a friend in Washington state, she told me if I followed this diet I could cure myself. I decided to take my chances with surgery, chemo, radiation and hormone therapy.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=node=10&field-keywords=healing+the+gerson+wa

this is a link to a book on natural cancer treatment. i have read one of them and just ordered the newer one from my library. i have been using a practice i found in it as a cancer preventative. i also found it on amazon and would send it to you if i was not putting most of my money into paying for our new car.

how are you. i think of you often. love you, nancy

Another friend, also named Nancy, told me that food grade peroxide would kill the cancer, she brings me green tea (another cancer cure) with peroxide in it every time she visits.  

I know they mean well, but....

Barbara

mags20487

I hate the unsolicited advice when it comes to what I should eat.  Since I got diagnosed everyone wants to tell me how to eat to avoid getting cancer...I tell them too late for me but maybe you should go on that diet.  One friend was telling me about chlorophyl (sp??) and how it combats cancer cells.  After listening to him ramble on my daughter speaks up and says "so basically she should eat the grass"  Without missing a beat he say "yes"  I just said thanks for the insight and walked away.

I am also tired of people who do not know me asking me when and if I am getting reconstruction.  How did my boobs or lack thereof become thier business anyway??

Maggie

riley702

Holy crap, Babs. "and would send it to you if i was not putting most of my money into paying for our new car."? So she's basically admitting her new car is more important to her than your (her friend!) life? How the hell much would she be saving by not splurging on a book for you, esp. if she thinks that book would save your life? Couldn't she copy or loan you her library copy? The more I think about it, the more dumbfounded I am. So, she knows the cure for cancer, she's using it herself, but screw you, she has a car to buy? BTW, I'm not actually commenting on the efficacy of her "cure", I'm commenting on the fact that she believes in it, knows her friend has cancer, but too bad, she wants that extra $100 at most to put toward that car. Unfreaking believable.

NCbeachgal

While this isn't necessarily stupid, it kinda drives me crazy. I speak to many people and of course they ask how I'm doing, where I am in treatment, etc. I attempt to answer their questions and then turn the conversation to how they are doing. Many times I am met with their complaints about their jobs, kids, spouses, finances, etc., which is FINE, but my friends often say, "gosh I hate to complain with all you have going on". I always say, "please do, it let's me know other people are living full lives out there. I hear my complaints daily, I'm sick of my issues."

I guess I just want to be normal again and I have always been the person that people confide in or call to vent to or ask for advice.

It's ok to complain to me. I can probably trump the complaint, but I never would. Everyone has valid issues and everyone needs a listening ear.

CoolBreeze

Wow, I'm now a bit freaked out about that facebook chat I had with Charles.  I had no idea he was dead at the time.

I was recently contacted by somebody who now, post-cancer,  works on behalf of breast cancer patients, and who I sat in the infusion room with a couple years ago. We have a mutual aquaintence.  When she found out I was Stage IV she was very sympathetic and sad and felt for me and wanted to talk....then gave me two specific times to call her.  Tuesday at 3:00 or Friday at 1:00.

Um.

My chemo brain is not going to allow me to remember to call at those specific times, plus I have a job, plus and most important -  why put the burden on ME to call her?  I wasn't asking her for anything.

I told her we could chat via email as I would never remember those times, and I didn't give her my number.  You'd think of all people, she'd know better.  Heck, if she'd asked for my number and said she'd call me, that would have been okay, but giving me specific times to call her when I didn't even contact her first?  Sorry, that is out of line I think.

That's no better than all those people who say, "let me know if I can help."  

After almost 3 straight years of active cancer treatment, I'm getting slightly tired of well-meaning people who don't even come close to getting it right.  I'm losing my patience. I don't do it in front of people but I also have never posted these things, as my thoughts were "people mean well."  But geez - she had cancer!

TeresainTucson

Charles- I went and read your article and loved it! I am sorry we, any of us, are here and I am incredibly appreciative of all who help us keep going through laughter and love!

arenee98

One of the first days I went back to work after starting chemo (when I was still feeling awkward about wearing a wig), I ran into a lady who works in a different department in the bathroom and she said, "Oh, I love your hair, it makes you look older."  It didn't sit well with me at all.  I told her most everyone else had said it made me look younger and left.  She apologized later, but about a month ago I ran into her again (still wearing the same wig) and she said, "Your hair is just getting longer and longer!" Um...no.  It's not. 

 When debating whether to have a uni or BMX, an elderly coworker told me she'd go for the BMX; she'd found as she got older that her nipples were constantly hard and they annoyed her.  Thanks for sharing?

 Finally, another coworker was lamenting the aches and pains in her body as she gets older and said directly to me, "Don't ever get old."  I told her I was actually hoping to get old, thank you very much.  At least I knew she didn't mean anything by it.  

Shrek4

0

november

Great article Charles

november

Great article Charles

november

Great article Charles

rakulynda

CoolBreeze - what a wierd request of her to ask you to call her at those specific times!! Kinda like she'd fit you into her busy schedule so she could give you an earful of pity-party. When I get weird requests to call people or don't want to talk endlessly on the phone, I tell people I have very limited minutes on my phone plan and those minutes are nearly gone! Works like a charm and cuts those unwanted calls short pronto!

Elefam

Thanks for helping me vent and for all your great replies. See the new topic: "Things We Wish People Would Say to Us."  Would love to hear some of the good things!

NancyHB

Elefam:  Will have to look for the new thread, thanks!  Positivity is the best way to beat this beast!

I had someone call me a cancer snob shortly after my diagnosis.  Said "All you do is talk about your cancer, like your cancer is better than someone else's cancer.  Or like cancer makes you special.  You're a snob about having cancer."

I embraced that with all my might (cuz I knew it wasn't really about me, but about her) and realized that yes, at times, I probably am a snob about my cancer.  I'm sorry your dog died of a tumor, but you can't understand how I'm feeling.  I am so grateful that your pap smear came back clear, but you and I aren't in the same boat right now.  A friend sent me a poem yesterday about a man battling cancer that might not kill him, but how much luckier he was than the man who had lost his arms in a wood-chipper accident (odd poem, to say the least).  So perhaps I am a snob about my cancer sometimes - just not sure that's necessarily a "bad" thing in light of some of the stuff that is said to me.

arenee98

Oh, forgot a real gem!  I was lamenting to my grandmother that I'm supposed to wait until after my 5 years of Tamoxifen before even trying to have a baby and she said that was good, I should make sure I'm going to be around before having kids because it would be a shame to have them and then leave them. 

Thanks, Grandma, for your positive outlook.  Geez. 

sas-schatzi

Arenee------Duh, dumb AND hurtful.

heymoose

HI all, 

This is a great site.  I have been reading the boards and have really been amazed at what I have read.  Some people are soooooo insensitive of others feelings.  Well I have to say that I was quite shocked today to learn that a few people read my death notice today.  It was a death notice of someone who lives in Buffalo (as I do) and has the same name as mine, even the middle initial is the same.  What a surprise.  Charles, I am happy you are alive as I am.

Well I can attest to the fact that I am alive and happy to report that.  I am sorry for the death of the other person and know she is an angle.

Hugs to all,

Heymoose (Cheryl) 

my2boys

On my birthday my sister sent me a birthday card.  I opened it and a piece of paper fell out of the card.  It was a newspaper clipping about the survivial rates for Her2+ cancer.  REALLY???

BelaT

LOL - Yesterday a friends called and what slipped out of her mouth - "we just hope you make it little bit longer sincs you are my age and young"

LOL

Bela

Honney I hope so too 

sj29

my God I swear some of these posts just make me immediately irritated about people. I am new to this board, but happy to have it. I feel I am less and less able to tolerate people these days... Anyways, yesterday while I was with my husband meeting with our insurance man about getting homeowners and life insurance (we are young, 26) I continued to ask about life insurance. He was talking about rates, etc. and I said well I have a health condition, how will this effect it? I was hoping I didn't have to dive into it, but he asked what and I said cancer. He looked at me and goes "Well so how's that going? I mean what is the outlook?" Like WTF am I supposed to say to that. Shitty??? I told him it was fine and hopefully caught early. He then proceeded to ask what surgery I had and then telling me "Yea, my sister should have just got the mastectomy. She ended up dying from breast cancer." I LITERALLY got up crying because I just couldn't take it. Usually I am not so sensitive, but obviously these past couple of months have really made me so. I just can't imagine saying something like that to someone. Really?? I don't feel like hearing about people dying from this right now. I am sorry!

chabba

sj -  That is a comment we ALL have to learn to deal with, I'm sorry to say.  I've found for me it is best to just interrupt them as soon as they say I have a (insert relative, friend, etc.)  that got and say unless it's a story about someone who got BC years ago and is still cancer free and doing fine I don't need to hear it!

mags20487

all day at work today I had one person after another commenting on my "hair cut"  Some people I have "known" for years as they have been coming into my shop (I own a children's store) for a long time.  They usually look at me and say where have you  been.  I haven't seen you in a while and you look so different--you cut your hair.  Oh well at least they do not seem to notice that I went from being a DD to a negative A cup.  Not really sure why it bothered me so bad today...maybe I am PMS-ing...wouldn't that be a kick to get it back just in time for my Vaca to Mexico next week

Maggie

Cyborg

My2boys- that is just plain WHACK. In your Birthday card?!! Or even at all.

Xo to you.

Anonymous

My best & longest friend & I had arranged to go to Rome next month.  About 3 weeks ago she told me that she preferred to spend the time at the coast here with a group of her chorus friends.  OK I can deal with a change, even one so ... abrupt.  But then she said "We can always go next year."  I haven't seen or spoken to her since.  I just can't anymore.

momof3boys

Jac53- I hope you still go to Rome! I'm sorry your friend let you down like that. It seems a very inconsiderate and thoughtless thing to do, and her comment about doing it next year was insensitive. I hope you still go and enjoy yourself and take lots of pics to share with us. XO

Cyborg

Jac53. That is very sad. It's so hard to see people we are close to fail us so terribly. I have noticed during this time, I hope that that you receive the surprises of unexpected care as well. I am with momof3boys - go to Rome!

GR4C1E

Here's a good one:  "You're always so strong and taking care of everyone else, I didn't think you needed anything.  I just thought you'd rather do this on your own.  Can you give me a ride to the store?"

Me:  "Yeah, sure.  Wait for me outside."

20 minutes later and she's still standing there.  And it's starting to rain..............ROFL!!!!