The dumbest things people have said to you/about you

tinkertude

I have to agree the "have a positive attitude that's the key" phrase is irritating. Yes being positive is good for the soul but it is certainly nit the key to battling cancer. So does that mean if we go around smiling and being happy all the time we will not have a reoccurance or have to deal with Mets... if so sign me up!!! I know people mean well maybe they just don't know what else to say but they really just understand . So glad we have this board and so many others on bco that do understand.... thank you!

kmccraw423

Hey tinkertude ... we're practically neighbors!  I live in Rockville, MD! 

It must be very hard to keep a positive attitude when you're throwing up from chemo, experiencing side effects from drugs and look in the mirror after a shower.  Or you're feeling so exhausted that going to the bathroom is an adventure.

BC is isolating because no one wants to hear it.  But we do so keep coming back!

I am so grateful for BCO ... otherwise, I would be in a rubber room!

Myleftboob

I'm in a weird place right now.  Before my DX I was so concerned with my Mom. She's 84 and not in the best of health.  She lives alone and I thought about selling my current propety and buying a 2 unit home and she could live with us and not have to worry about anything.  My Dad passed away in 1986 and she's been living alone.  Up til now I arrange for home care,  I cook for her, have cleaners come in.  BTW there are 6 siblings and she will only eat my food. So I propose she can have her own space, rent free, I just want to be there for her. As well I'm thinking how nice it would be to have my Mom with me throughout this how BC process. Nope! She can't handle it.  Prefers to be on her own. Can't have a daughter die before her !!

Wow nice Mom. You really are the effing selfish person I thought you were all along. This more than everyting really sucks more than being DX with cancer.  How eye opening. All aong I thought you were my hero.  How profoundly disappointing.

minxie

I love having you guys to talk to too I just wish sometimes there was someone other than my therapist I could actually talk to in real life about all this.

Sometimes I just want to scream, "You all have NO IDEA how horrible this all has been!" and let it all come gushing out of me in a torrent of repressed pain/fear/horror.  But like I said... nobody wants to hear it.

I've been to support group meetings, and I felt almost more on my guard than around "normal" people. Everyone there was incredibly positive to the point of saintliness and I always felt like  I was the only one who wasn't strong enough to deal with it.

barbe1958

I'm kind of glad that my Mom (or Dad) isn't alive for my breast cancer as it would be "her journey", not mine. My Dad must be spinning in his grave as I didn't get recon.

Anonymous

Barbe1958:  Why would your dad object to your not doing recon?  Isn't this YOUR decision? 

Speaking of dumb -- I mostly hate the emails that tell us if we have ever had cancer, that we will never be rid of it.  Nice right? I'll be posting some "rules" or guidelines that I read in our USA Today for people to consider when talking to anyone that went through or is going through treatment or beyond. 

barbe1958

My Dad would have wanted me to appear "normal" to the world. Not a word about what I went through. I just know he hates me flat, and I wonder if that's one of the reasons I love it so much????

sas-schatzi

sas-schatzi wrote:

http://community.breastcancer.org/6/topic/781867?page=1#post_2830873

Anyone interested I wrote a new topic thread on constipation------ah the things we share-sheila

Myleftboob

sas-schatzi

I was just actually doing some reading there.  Very useful info. Thanks from the bottom of my....LOL!

sas-schatzi

MLB------wish you'd have put the pun there. How often to we get to pun and it's appropriate to the topic LOL sheila

gc123

  After my path report came in a friend said

"I had a blond riend who had chemo and her hair fell out - then came back carrot orange and was curly"

kingjr66

I keep getting from one of my co-workers that "you'll be fine"  I loved when she told me that after the 2nd biopsy which later confirmed the cancer.  I'm waiting for the "you'll be fine" when I start my rads on Monday.

Myleftboob

I was thinking "the bottom of my bottom" LOL!

momof3boys

Okay....here's the dumbest thing anyone has said to me. Ready?

Ran into my insurance agent and had a chat. Mentioned the BC and chemo etc...it's obvious there's something wrong, I'm wearing a hat. No long blonde hair...

He says, "oh my gosh! I'm so glad we increased your policy last year (my life insurance), there's no way you'd ever be able to get life insurance again in the future".

Gee, thank you for that. I'm not a good bet I suppose?

bgirl

Our joint 10 year term insurance is about to renew this year at 3X the current rate because my husband who is older than I am turned 50.  Agent said we should be really happy with the bargain we have because my bc makes me uninsurable.  Also, to make sure we make payments on time so my husaband will be sure to have the money he needs if I die.

riley702

BC is the gift that just keeps on giving, isn't it? Even though what the agents said is true... Geez Louise! Real live person here! Not just an 'interesting' case.

sas-schatzi

Insurance people only think numbers the ones that are selling. Since my DH died the most kind and appropriate people were on the other side -------the claiming side. They always were kind and extended regrets and did everything possible to help. I guess it's in the training.

bgirl

riley702 - seems people ignore the seriousness of our diagnosis or think we are it.  I am not BC.  Real person - yes I think you hit it on the head.  Mom, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, great aunt, business person, sunday school teacher, etc. - not just a statistic.

Anonymous

Interesting thread!!!

I guess the dumbest thing said to me was shortly after chemo, you know, no eyebrows, lashes or hair, and I looked like a raccoon. This woman I didn't know very well looked at me after being re- introduced after not seeing me for several years, and said 'oh, I never would have recognized you!"  Gee, thanks!!!  I felt like hitting her. Tact is obviously not her thing.

I said, 'well, gee' I wouldn't have recognized YOU either".  Ha. Why don't people just shut up if they don't know what to say?

tucker

kmccraw423

I just love the insurance industry ... they only want to insure young, healthy people who don't need insurance!

Sandeeonherown

it all just amazes me...so if I stay positive I will keep the cancer away? so did being sad cause my cancer and subsequent heart attack? I have a well meaning friend who keeps telling me it is my cortisol level..it is too high. I KNOW that,....but having had cancer etc. does not lower it...and neither dose telling me that information. I am generally a very happy person...always have been but somedays this stuff gets to me...I am allowed to feel like crap some days...I am allowed to wallow, to be enraged, to feel sad...and to NOT WORRY that it is causing another tumour. Holy geez! They are all well meaning...I am well meaninged too when I tell people that it will get better...that they will move through things..one day at a time and I mean it sincerely...but does it help the person who is feeling like garbage right then really...all depends on who is receiving the information and how their day went, hmm?

DivineMrsM

Everyone at work knows what I went through (except I did not reveal I am stage iv) after my bc dx : chemo, loss of hair, surgery, rads.

Well, yesterday, a woman I work with got some unsettling news.  She has to have surgery on a small tumor on her jawbone.  The oral surgeon was not very nice and told her the bone may break, she may have numbness on the right side of her jaw for the rest of her life, ect.  She immediately went to her primary doctor and told him she wanted referred to another surgeon.  I can understand all of what she's feeling.

But she looks at me and says, this happens to people all the time, they get news that changes their life forever.  Well, uh, YES.  At no time did she mention, wow, now I understand more of how you felt when you learned you had bc.

Oh, and she also said she felt like leaving the doctor's, going home and take a bottle of pills and end it all because she felt her life was over.

??? I have to say, even with everything I've been through, that's never been any kind of action I want to take. 

kingjr66

On the topic of life insurance, I must confess that I am so guilty of saying a very dumb thing to my hubby but really meant it as a bad joke.  I told him after I learned that my BC will be very treatable and my life expectancy was 90% or better, I told him, sorry honey, but looks like you are not getting that life insurance afterall.  OMG, am I bad or what.

bgirl

Sandee - yes much of the stupid seems to be regarding what we must have done to cause it or what we should be doing to prevent it comig back. 

I am probably the poster child for all these BC risk factor things - had child before 30, had more than 1, breast fed for more than 2 years in total, no smoking, exercise, little alcohol, eat healthy diet, grew up growing own veggies and still grow some of my own, not overweight, no history of cancer of any kind in my family or BC(youngest of 4 sisters), etc. What was I suposed to do to prevent it!?? Stop breathing.  Had a major stress of losing a child, but hardly had any control over that.  Otherwise I lead a fairly simple happy life.  Seriously there has to be more to this BC thing as far as cause!

And then everyone has their opinion on what supplements you should be taking, what you should be eating, how much you are exercising, etc. even though they eat fast food and use their treadmill as a clothes hanger!

Sometimes I feel like telling them all to shut up. Which annoys me because I am usually a very positive person.

Maybe if they accept that it wasn`t anything we did, then they would have to accept that it can happen to them too.  Probably scares the pants off of them.

Sorry this turned into a rant!  Heard a lot of stupid this week!!

NCbeachgal

In my case the most recent stupid thing someone said comes in the form of text messages. Never a phone call or visit-this texter lives across the street and we used to be very close friends. I'm not exactly sure what has happened but texting seems to be her preferred method of communication. The texts come about once a week, like she has a "check on BC friend" alarm set on her phone.

The text messages go like this-"hey girl. How are you doing? Are you having any side effects today? How's your appetite?" a week later-"how was your treatment? Was it better than last time? When will you be finished? How was your weekend? Let me know what you need." a week later-"hey just checking in. How are you today." you get the picture.

My responses are usually complete as I answer her numerous inquiries. I tell her I'm fine and can't think of anything I need but will let her know and thank her for the offer. I always ask how she's doing, etc. Very polite indeed. The worst text came when she asked about how my weekend was. It was the weekend I had my head shaved. I wanted to say I had a miserable weekend, but instead I said, "it was fine, hope yours was." she knew prior to asking that my hair was falling out at an alarming rate. I swear I think she's just stupid.

In her defense, she did stop by one evening and brought me some pink ribbon cancer pants and sleep shirt. Nice gesture, I hate them!

I swear if I ever have a loved one with breast cancer or any other kind of cancer I'm going to take them nice soft Kleenex tissues-a box for them and a box for me! I'll bring them jello and stylish scarves. I'll call and ask if they're up for company and while I'm there I might sneak and scrub their tub.

I won't replace direct contact/communication with texting.

Some people....

That's my rant.

shelley2011

NCbeachgal, you have cracked me up.  I also had folks that would ask how I was doing but didn't really want any other answer than "fine".  In fact, I think that's what most of them expected to hear.  Thank God for my close friends who really cared and listened as I ranted about hair, and dry skin, and bad fingernails, and taste buds, and aches, and fatigue, and numb toes!  I am SO grateful that I had those caring folks in my life. 

And I am right with you....my friend, diagnosed with cancer?  You will see me 3 or 4 days after your first chemo, with tissues, yogurt, and bathroom cleaning supplies in hand.  You betcha.

LeesaAnn

I had my last TC treatment today, yay! I had a really wonderful nurse, she really was great. Except she made a big blunder when I told her it was my last treatment. She said, "Oh that is so great! We will see you next time.) WTF? I quickly replied, "This better be my last time!"

ILBoysMom

If I have one more person tell me about someone that they know that had BC and died, I will punch them in the nose.  I had 3 of those encounters just today.  Really!  Do these people actually think that helps me feel better?  What is the purpose of that conversation, honestly.

NCbeachgal

LeesaAnn-what DID she mean by that? How very insensitive. I hope you are planning a grand celebration! Bravo! You did it!

Angie

bgirl

LessaAnn - Congrats, I hope she just meant for follow-up with your MO post treatment (usually in about a month)

Ugh! had someone tell me this morning that they know someone who has had BC and they have lived for 10 years.  Is this supposed to be reassuring when diagnosed at 46??