The dumbest things people have said to you/about you

3katz

I recently got in touch with an old co-worker of mine - he retired a year ago & is ~60. He knew all about my cancer - scolded me that my smoking caused it (I'm sure it did have some play in it, but I digress). That was in 2005. We correspond via email on occasion. We re-connected last week. Told him about the progression to the bone and how the last round of treatment may not be working since my tumor markers doubled. His response was "So glad to hear you doing better - keep it up and stay healthy." Huh? Guess he didn't pay much attention to what I wrote. But the kicker was he sent me a link to buy a book (for $30) that will "show you the secret food you can eat to prevent and stop cancer." I don't think I'll be writing back to him any time soon. If I do it now, I'll surely say something I regret. Need to think about this and educate the jerk properly.

When a neighbor of mine learned I had breast cancer, he said "Oh that's an easy one, they can cure that." I bit my tongue and cut him some slack since he had bone cancer due to agent orange exposure in 'Nam. But the next time I saw him, he apologized, saying there is no such thing as a good cancer. His wife must have set him straight. Sadly, he passed away last year.

My point is sometimes you just have to ignore the ignorant ones.

Hoolian - LOVE the "too late" comment. Have used that myself. My sister had said something similar and I responded with "what's it gonna do - give me cancer? Oh yeah, I already have it!"

Enjoyful

3katz -

You're right to ignore the ignorant ones.  And I didn't hit the guy or strangle him with my IV tubing, so I guess I'm making progress!  :-)

E

skid316

I have 2:

1) I told someone that I know that I have cancer everytime I look into the mirror. The reply was "don't look into a mirror").  Anyone know how to get in/out of the shower without passing by a mirror?

 2) After I got back my oncotype score of 14 and was told I didn't need chemo, a colleague asked if I was still going to lose my hair.  I replied, "well, not off my head."  (I still had radiation treatments to do).

3katz

enjoyful - I didn't see your post. Must have been writing at the same time. And I'm trying to do this at work so I get interrupted and it takes about 1/2 an hour or so to post. Geez - can't I get my "personal" stuff done??

ANYway . . . you showed amazing restraint!!!! Lucky? Sheesh!!! No . . . you are not being too sensitive!!

Bigapple09

My now ex significant other, encouraged me like crazy to have the BMX, once it was done and  did not snap back to my regular self within 6 weeks he really started giving me a hard time. My issues were real, my radiated side was causing me horrible pain and contracture and I had cording problems and weeks of PT. One night at dinner when he brought up the surgery he said "see you are getting upset now, and I don't think you understand how lucky you are." I said, "wow, I might be luckier than we thought I was going to be, but its not lucky to get cancer and have to go through this."

Most people are just being dopey and trying to say something when they don't really know what to say, him, well that goes way beyond dopey.

mbtlcsw01

I love the "treatment never ends" statement.  So true.  I'm the one who used "toxic" relationships.  I'm a licensed clinical social worker in the medical field.  Thru the university of hard knocks, I've learned so much about relationships.  I cut out quite a few in my past that are only hurtful/painful.  I have a niece who lives in the same area I do.  She is the quintessential DRAMA QUEEN.  I cannot have her in my life as she only makes me crazy.  I miss seeing my great-nephew, but I have to take care of me.

I also have a young cousin, late 20's, who emailed me recently.  She knew my mother's walk with bc and her grandmothers also.  I told her my docs believed they got all the cancer and the chemo was to help with that.  Her response back was, "I hope the doctors are right!"  For whatever reason, that hit me upside the head.  I can just say it is her youth of not knowing what to say.  When I think I won't be surprised anymore at what someone says, Doi, there they go again.  This is a great thread. 

Enjoyful

3katz - LOL at work interfering with personal stuff.  I HATE when that happens!!

bobcat

Ran into a woman I know from the Y at Sam's Club yesterday and she said "so, I guess you are now in remission?".  Huh?

A very dear old friend(our boys were best friends and we vacationed together) dropped me a number of years back when I was going through a divorce.  Her husband didn't think she should socialize with me.  Well, another friend recently ran into her and she asked about me.  My current friend said why don't you give her a call and she said, "oh, I could never do that - Tony(her husband) would kill me - just tell her I asked about her".  My friend said she would not do that and walked away.   I think I WOULD rather have cancer than be married to Tony!!

mbtlcsw01

bobcat  LOL, Tony must bea piece of work

susu1976

I'm not sure what's worse--someone saying something stupid, or someone not communicating with you at all (e.g., two of my brothers and their wives).  I guess if the people not communicating with me were not my siblings, I might be more understanding.  One brother lives out of state, but the other is about 30 minutes away! 

I have to let them both go.  I can't get bogged down with their fears or whatever it may be that is preventing them from contacting me.  I have enough to do!  OH, and guess whose side my MOTHER is on??  Yeah, that's right, her sons'.  She says, "Can't you see how hard this is for them??"  Seriously??  And it is just a walk in the park for me, right??  And does that excuse their wives also?

Bitter?  Yeah.  I am.  But at least I'm not married to Tony, right Bobcat??  LOL hehehe

Leah_S

Hey, that can become our mantra here on bco - at least we're not married to Tony!

Leah

bobcat

I love that!!!

chainsawz

A friend, who I refer to as "eeyore" said he was tired of life.....I told him that he should have my cancer instead of me because I am certainly not tired of life!!  People just don't think before they open their mouths. 

At least I am not married to Tony....love it - LOL!!!  

Anonymous

I told an old friend of mine over the phone about Olga's cancer couple of months ago. He was quiet for a minute and then: "Wow! Wow!... Be strong!! Wow!" That pissed me off. I even can't explain why...

Didn't speak with that guy since then...

 "At least I am not married to Tony"

Me neither...

bobcat

I apologize to all those who partners are named Tony - NOT!!  "At least I'm not married to Tony."  Thanks ladies..

friscosmom

nativemariner - I love your suggestion on the "you're so young" comments, I just might give that a try!

Jessica - I hope the "young" comments stop bothering me at some point too; it's really the one thing that will send me into tears when I'm otherwise being very strong under very bad circumstances.

Hoolianama0508

Glad to hear the "too late" comment brought smiles and laughter. Feel free to use that whenever you come into contact with anyone who says dumb things about your dx.

My mum is always opening her mouth without thinking about what actually is coming out. In fact, I think she also told me about not microwaving food in plastic. I am sure the next time I see her, she will tell me not to dye my hair or eat red meat.

jane59

Hi Leah I think what you said is very true. I think the reason it bugs me is that she never asks how I'm doing.

joanneasiata

Yep ive got cancer but luckley im not married to TONY,!!!!! lol love it

Bigapple09

First, I think we should sell "I may have cancer but at least I'm not married to Tony" shirts as a fund raiser.

I was first diagnosed at 37, and I look 5 to 10 years younger than I am, so I have and still get a lot of the "you are so young" comments. My response has become,"yes and I hope to be old one day." It does not make the person feel like a total bonehead, but it sort of drives the point home that "yes, I know I'm young and by the way it scares me and I rarely need reminding."

susu1976

Bigapple09:  I LOVE THAT IDEA!  Should we have a FB page, too??  The Tony comments gave me the biggest laugh I have had in some time. 

The other day I got this one:  "Well now that it's all over (surgery, chemo) you can put it all behind you."  Right!  Oh wait, there's still Tamoxifen every day for 5 years, check ups every 3 months for 2 years, deciding whether or not to have recon surgery, waiting for my stupid hair to come back, losing the weight I've gained, figuring out how to dress this ridiculous body, wishing that I didn't think about cancer every single day, etc...yep, looks like smooth sailing ahead now!  Idiot.

Katey

I let a friend know that I have more surgery next week.  Her response "Hope the surgery was the reconstruction kind and not a redo"  Huh?  and "was"? 

My mom is always calling with things that I did that caused my cancer, drinking alcohol, did I take estrogen... yesterday I was having some peaceful moments, got a call to "hurry and put on the View, there's a woman with a mastectomy on!" (omg)  Missed it, but caught the doctor talking about genes, my mom called after and told me see there are things you can do to prevent it.  Then accused me of being cynical when I stated once again, nobody knows what causes bc.  I said I have a right to be cynical with the healthy lifestyle I have lead and be hit with this twice! But hey, at least I'm not married to Tony!!

lassie11

Thank goodness I am not married to Tony (or anyone else just now).

I saw a bit of that thing on the View. It was an actress or someone they thought was famous who was tested for the BRCA gene - did not have it and did not have breast cancer - and decided to have a double mastectomy and reconstruction anyway because some other people in her family had other kinds of cancer.  They were on about how "brave" she was and how she was taking care of her health blah blah blah. I was wondering how it is that such a show was recommending mastectomies pretty much for the "fun" of it.

MomoB

Hello all,

I think the worst thing someone said was the triage nurse at MDA.  I had been told to see

one to evaluate a large, hardened, lymph node that had burst open and was leaking stuff to

see if I should go ahead with my scheducled mamo.  The nurse says, "you know that it's the

cancer breaking through your skin, don't you"?  I replied that "no, I don't know that, I haven't

been diagnosed by the onc yet".  It turns out that it was an infection, probably caused by

swimming in Lake Conroe while we were vacacationing!

Also my adult son saying "you don't have cancer!  Stop having unnecessary procedures!"

I asked him when was it that he received his medical degree?  I don't keep him informed of

any new developments, so I don't have to hear his rant!

Katey

Lassie, I sure am glad I missed that part!

Momo, that's terrible, we hope that at least the medical community is sensitve to what we are going thru!

 Snow here today!  Beautiful large snowflakes

jewels1981

My Husband went and told his boss about my cancer soon after I was diagnosed.  His boss told him to take off as much time  that was needed because sooner or later we are all dealt THE DEATH CARD!!!! My husband stood there with his mouth wide open. What a weirdo.

Many people have told me  through this journey that God would not give more than I can handle.  That comment is not always reassuring as you are sitting there looking at your bald, scarred, burned body scared out of your mind.  I always smile and say God can give me anything He wants but I also know God is with me carrying me through this battle!!!

my2boys

When I was in the recovery room after my breast reconstruction surgery, the recovery room nurse came to check on me as I was waking up and asked me what kind of implants I had the doctor put in.  When I replied "saline" she said "I had the saline implants, but they were awful, so I had them switched to silicone".  I had to take a deep breath and wonder if I heard her right?  To this day I am amazed at this dopey woman's gaul.

BTW....the saline implants have worked out beautifully. 

susu1976

Katey:  I've had that too..."Do you think it was the birth control pills you took that gave you cancer?" Or, "They say that hair dye can give you cancer--I wonder if that was it." (I color my hair).  Geez.  Even if those statement were true, what can I do about it NOW??  Not very helpful at this point...thankyouverymuch. 

MomoB:  I'm sorry that your son is so insensitive.  Does he think you have these procedures as some kind of hobby??

Lassie:  That would be something wouldn't it?  A new Hollywood fad--breast removal.  Who knows, maybe it would become as popular as Botox...heaven help us.

cp418

I need your help ladies for some polite but very direct one liners to a nosey MIL.  After I was diagnosed I basically avoided her as much as possible because she always wants to tell me about everyone she knew who died of cancer.  She is a 'toxic' personality who made comments about my hair loss and the fact that I refused a wig.  Since we were never close or got on well in the past, my gut tells me she thrives on hearing bad news and certainly is not a supportative individual.  So now I have to attend a family party and she will as aways start quizzing me and asking personal medical questions which are none of her business.  How do I shut this woman down to stop bothering me now and in the future.  She makes my holidays misearable when I am around her.  Oh course, I have to word myself tactfully because the rest of the family will back up this old queen if I tell her to go jump.  Unfortunately I can be too direct when ticked off, but constantly swallowing this toxic nonsense is doing me no good either. Any good come backs are deeply appreciated!! 

crazy4carrots

cp418:  Why not use the tricks politicians use when they don't want to answer questions?  How about something like this as a response:

"That's an interesting question.  What do you think?"

or this:

"That's an interesting question.  Why do you ask?"

The trick is to return her question with one of your own.  Thus you haven't offended her -- maybe even flattered her because you're asking for her opinion!!

Good luck at the family party -- they can be tough, I know.  While I was going through chemo, dh and I attended his family's reunion.  I was bald but feeling okay, and had asked a favourite sister-in-law to let people know in advance that I was doing well, and didn't want to discuss it with anyone.  But sure enough, another sister-in-law (drama queen that she is!) came up to me and burst into tears.  I put my arms around her, whispered that I was fine, and walked away.  She was told off by others, and apologized to me later.

Hugs, Linda