Sister disgnosed: My first Post

1whocares

My family just found out my sister has breast cancer. It's been uneasy going ever since. We are all in shock and trying to figure out the best way to help her and be there for her. We have a large family and are willing to do whatever she needs. It was caught early, but is very agressive and every time we think she is ok we get more bad news. SHe has already had a lumpectomy, but a day and a half later found that they didn't get all the cancer cells. It is also in the lymph nodes. She met with her oncologist for the first time yesterday (Friday OCt 30) and one of us was expecting to hear from her or her husband. They didn't call. We don't want to inundate her so we've been waiting for her to tell one of us, then we do all the calling. She has 2 small children and it's Halloween. She I just leave it until tomorrow? Are we overwelming her? My other sister and I have been the go between for the rest of the family so she doesn't have to deal with that aspect, but now we're all worried because she hasn't called us. Any advice on how to be supportive and helpful would be appreciated.

Anonymous

Try not to tell her how she should feel.  When you have cancer and have gone thru all the emotions of it, you don't need well meaning friends and family to tell you to just "be positive".  Check in with her weekly so she knows you care.  I've had some family and friends just stop calling or coming over.  Cancer makes many people feel uncomfortable around the one with cancer and it's really their own issues, not the patiet's.  She needs her family right now so be there for her.  But don't act like it's her funeral or be telling her all your positive cancer stories.  If you really want to help her, please stay connected to this discussion board to get an idea of what she is going thru.

smithlme

Your sister has just had her life changed, forever. It could be that she is so overwhelmed that she doesn't want to talk with anyone. She and her husband have several decisions to make and tons of information to process. It's Halloween and maybe she wants to enjoy this day with her kids and deal with it all tomorrow. She may be thinking about the upcoming holidays and how is she going to "do it all" while going through treatment. Maybe she's waiting for someone to call her. And, yes, she's afraid she may die.

The range of emotions she's going through is a roller coaster and even she isn't sure what she needs. When you speak with her, be honest. Tell her you don't know what to say or do. It's OK not to have the answers. Ask her what she needs and follow through with what she asks. Respect her decisions and don't second guess them. There's a lot of information on the Internet, but her doctor and medical team are the ones she needs to work with. Listen to her. Cry with her. Let her rant and rave and hold her when she needs to be held. Have someone check in with her husband and kids. They are going through this, too. Let them all know that you love them and want to help in any way you can...

Linda

2whocares

I am the other sister.  We are really struglling and we are following suggestions and allowing her to have complete control of her situation  This is an emotional roller coaster and we are just anxious to talk with her about her oncologist appt as we don't know if  no news is good or anticipate the worst.  Trying to keep POSITIVE energy going as this will be beneficial to all.  Thanks for any recommendations you have.

Carol

smithlme

Your sister is lucky to have two such loving and caring sisters. My oldest sister is a 20 year thriver, so I'm blessed, in a strange way, to have her to drag me along my journey. She is one of the few people in my life who "get it." Our other sister is out in left field somewhere. She doesn't get it and we're glad. We never want her to join our exclusive club because the membership is too pricey. She may say some strange and inappropriate things at times, but I know she loves me. She lives in another state so she feels helpless and guilty, at times.

Perhaps your sister wants, just for today, to pretend her life is still "normal." Give her that gift of time with her family. Tomorrow is another day and she may be ready to share her news. She's not trying to exclude anyone right now so just keep loving her...

Linda

JanetH77

I had the same experience of having a lumpectomy in June, then being told they didn't get clear margins, so I decided to have a bilateral mastectomy two weeks later.  No new cancer was found, but I still feel I made the right decision to have the bilateral mastectomy.  Since then, I have completed chemo and am done with treatment, will have my next checkup at three months.

Ask your sister if she wants you all to wait until you hear from her about updates.  Then you'll be doing it the way she suggests.  I was worn out in the early weeks with telling details over and over to so many people, couldn't remember what I had told, who I had told, etc.  I realized I needed to have a plan in place, like telling one relative, one lady in my small group, one person from my former workplace, etc., and asking that person to be the one to convey news from there.  I also assured people early on that if they asked me how I was and I said, "fine," they could believe me because I would say so when I was not.

Both you and your sister will find caring support and helpful info right here.  Big hugs to all of you in your family! 

Anonymous

 1 and 2whocares,  your sister feels overwhelmed and shocked already.  Being diagnosed with breast cancer forces you into making so many decisions in areas you are completely unaware of until you've researched it all.  She will pick up your energy  if you are "trying to keep POSITIVE energy going" even if your are feeling negative.  It sounds like you are all very involved with each other.  Don;t feel upset if you notice her being distant with you.  That is normal.  After all it's about her, and even though you are all in shock, her cancer is about her and how she feels rigfht now. Let her sort it out with her husband, for they are in shock and have to sort thru all of their feelings. She;s not in a position to worry about your feelings right now, and won't.  She may resent you if you make her breast cancer all about how you feel.  Yes cancer affects the whole family but she is the one who has to go thru the pain surgeries, and now possibly another surgery on her lymph nodes, and decisions about reconstructive surgeries, chemo and it's side effects, and the fear of dying and not being there for her kids.  Try to let her decide how she wants to share all of this with you.  You all have a rough road together ahead.

chainsawz

What great sisters!  I have to say the most important thing will be that you are there for her and will listen to her.  Not many people want to talk about what we are going thru because it is difficult....but we live it every moment of every day.  So just be there to listen when she needs you and hold her hand. 

I have great family and friends who have stood by me for the last year, but I some family have turned their backs on me because it is hard for them to deal with my cancer and it is heartbreaking for me.  

Ask her what she wants.....calls, no calls.  Just let her know you are not going anywhere and you will stand by her side no matter what - the rest will fall into place.  Best to you all!!!  lisa

smithlme

When I was going through my surgeries and treatment I used a free web site called Support Circle at www.supportcircle.com. I, or a family member, could post what surgery or treatment I was going through and keep the page updated. The web address was sent to family and friends and they could check my "status" without the constant phone calls or emails. They could also post messages to me. I found it a great tool to keep people informed and not have to repeat myself over and over...

Linda

Cowgirl13

Everyone else has really explained what you sister is going through.  Give your sister some space right now--make it ok even if you don't hear from her for a week--she and her husband are finding their way on this journey.  There will be so much you can do for her after she has figured out what she is going to do.  

1whocares

I'd like to thank all of you that have responded. This is the best help I can get without bothering her. I just got off the phone with her (She called me) and we had a great chat. We usually talk to each other 2 or 3 times a week, usually she calls me, so I'll just keep it that way. She knows we're here for her in any way she needs (There are 7 siblings all together). We were just looking on the internet for a website she had found earlier that showed a hat with a little bit of hair sticking out of the back (like a halo hair piece). She liked it because the hair was only in the back. Now she can't find the website. I told her I'd keep searching for what she was looking for. If anyone knows the site, or the type of piece I"m talking about can you post it here?  I'm also going to tell her about the www.supportcircle.com website. Thanks for that.  Thanks to everyone.

smithlme

I'm so glad your sister called. I wish I didn't know these web sites so well, but here's a few that may have some things your sister is looking for:

www.chemosavvy.com

www.headcovers.com

www.tlcdirect.org

Linda

Anonymous

So glad your sister called.  Some websites for chem hats.

CJ Hats :: Handmade Chemo Hats for Cancer Patients

 Click here: Cancer Hats, Chemotherapy Hats, and Hair Loss Hats

Click here: Hats for Cancer, Hats for Chemo, Hats for Cancer Patients, Hats for Hair Loss, Chemotherapy Hats, Chemo Caps. 100%

lovinmomma

Can you organize some meals for her, some house cleaning?? It is some of those basic things that were so great for me when I was overwhelmed. Someone to bring over groceries, goofy emails, prayers.

Leah_S

You two are wonderful sisters.

Another suggestion is to just email a short message of "I love you. What do you need frmo me today?" if you don't hear from her. Reading and responding to emails are things she can do when she needs to, and the love will come through.

As far as wigs - I posted a thread called "wig advice" on the chemo forum. I'll bump it up for you.

Leah

joyjohn

You can find lot of information from this and every body here are ready to help you. If you want to know information on the medications that are used for treating breast cancer you can find it at http://www.internationaldrugmart.com/drug-category/breast-cancer.html

Litlsis

My sister was diagnosed four weeks ago with IDC. She begins chemo this Monday. I'm thrilled to be taking her, but at the same time scared. She's always the one to take care of others, so I hope she'll let me take care of her. Thanks for this opportunity to "listen" and learn from others going through the same journey.           Dana