Talking too much

worrieddaughter2

My mom was diagnosed with BC and and a masectomy. She is doing fine physicaly. My concern is her state of mind. She talks about it all the time. We try and change the subject and get her mind of of it, but it always go back to it. Is this normal, I know she needs to talk about it, but it is consuming her life. It is effecting the whole family especially my dad.We are trying to stay positive, she relectanly agreed to have someone from a support group call her, so that might help her.

thanks

iodine

Hi, How thoughtful of you to seek information and try to help your mom.  I can see that you are caring, and feel you have your mother's best interest at heart. 

May I offer some enlightenment on how your mom is feeling: she has cancer.  Let me give that to you again: SHE HAS FREEKIN CANCER.  She does not know if she will be around to see you graduate, get married or see her grandchildren.  She is staring her mortality (death) in the eyes and for the first time realizing that, even if she does well with cancer, she will eventually die.  Not a happy thought, I assure you.

She is faced with a whole new world of a different language (medical speak) of many, many people who will be working with her to help her survive (hmm, say that word again: survive).  I feel that your family is likely very much like almost EVERY family who has a mom/wife/sister with breast cancer: diagnosed, treated === over.  NOT.

Most of us have faced our families who had the same thoughts as you folks,  Only a few of us are blessed with people who love us who will let us talk, talk, talk, until we dont' need to talk about it any longer.  What you call obsessing, or consuming is simply the truth and she's doing the best she can to get her head around the fact that she has cancer and is going to try and survive it and live to "move beyond cancer".  As we note in breast cancer years: she is an infant and a road to travel that will finally get her to the place we on this board are: actually moving beyond cancer.

There is no set time, activity, or other that will predict when she will be able to ""move on".  It really does consure our lives for the first year or two after diagnosis.  Now if she is 5 years out and had no further disease diagnosed, I will worry right along with you about her consuming her live re: breast cancer. 

"It's effecting the whole family".  Hmmm, again, I surely hope so---the whole family SHOULD be affected by someone they love being diagnosed with cancer.  Since it's Oct. and all the sweet little pink ribbons are out and about, most folks who haven't been "affeccted" think this is an easy disease and that we should all "get over" ourselves and go do a "walk" or a "run" for some more pink ribbons.  NOT gonna happen.

Please let your family know that we loose a couple of thousand women each year, that is they die, of breast cancer.  Hopefully, your mom's prognosis is good and she will not have an additional diagnosis or another breast cancer or God forbid, mets.  She is the one that will have this at the back of her mind for the next 15 years. 

I'm 7 happy years from diagnosis, and as far as I know, I have no evidence of disease.  But I want you to know that I am not "cured".  I just will not know if I've ever truly beaten breast cancer, at least not until I die of something else.

Yes, your mom needs support.  Please refer her here, we would live to llisten and support her, educate her, and offer all the help we can.  Hopefully she will take advantage of support, if offered.

Hopefully, you and you family will also consider seeking counseling from a cancer center who will help you and your family adjust to the diagnosis of cancer in the family.  You can learn a lot, all of you, of how to support your mom and each other.

I wish you all the best, and hope you will all find some peace and comfort with help.

Mantra

First, I must say that I echo everything Iodine said above. Well said and how very true. I will offer a couple of suggestions. First, if she likes to write, ask her to set up a webpage at www.caringbridge.org or some similar site. I used my online journal of a way of communicating and expressing to others how I was feeling, what I was going through and basically kept them up to date on what was happening with me. In my case, I have two married daughters and a husband who didn't leave me alone for a minute until I was ready for that next step. I called them My Team. And the more I fell apart, the stronger they got. 

Of course, friends and family were calling non stop. I couldn't speak to anyone other than my daughters, my sister and my husband. I just couldn't handle it. So I started my journal as way of keeping in touch with everyone else who cared about me. I had 1500 hits in two months. I received comments everyday from family and friends. My daughters updated my journal on surgical days. We walked together at the Run for the Cure. My grandchildren designed and hand painted our t-shirts. Team Endurance. They walked next to me acting as my blocker so no one would bump my left side. Your mom needs this type of support and I hope you are able to provide it and understand why she needs it. Think of it this way. Have you ever had a really crappy day at work. You come home and it's all you can think about. It's all you want to talk about. Well, your mom is having a really crappy time of it and it's all she can think about and it's all she wants to talk about. Be there for her. She needs you. Don't let her down.

Also, have her join this site. It really helps to talk to others who are going through the same thing.