Very Overwhelmed- cancer, chemo, cheating husband

cagio1

I feel like sometimes my head is going to explode. 

I was diagnosed with breast cancer on June 12th... had surgery July 14... started chemo September 9th )presently having difficulty between my third and fourth round (ACT)- had fever etc., and found out that while I was having surgery and recouperating my husband was seeing an escort.  I threw him out and have been dealing with this, my son and everything that goes along with this myself.  Somedays I feel great but other days I find myself going "why me?"  I wish there were problems in my marriage.  My husband wants to come back, but I can't look at myself in the mirror with respect if I ever took him back.  So while doing all the other things I have to do, I have to learn how to get a divorce.  I JUST FEEL OVERWHELMED SOMETIMES.

Anonymous

cagio, chemo is hard enough without having to deal with this.  I'm so sorry you are going thru this.  Are you on Nuelasta also?  Just having all the side effects from chemo is so hard.  Your fatigued enough as it is.  Does your husband go with you for your appointments with the onc or to chemo treatments?

cagio1

I don't bring my husband to anything.  He has helped me with taking my son on some overnights but other than that, I do not involve him in my care.  He was not very involved to begin with obviously worrying about himself with an escort. 

My parents have been the rock for me.  I have really good neighbors and colleagues from work (I have taken time off) that have been a great support.  I am lucky with that.  I do see someone once a week but as she said, any one of these things is hard enough to deal with, no less all of this. I keep puttering along but had a rough time this chemo round.  I hope the Taxol that I switch to on the 4th will be easier but as they say, the side effects are cumulative.  I am on Neulasta... not too much discomfort but I use vicadin when I have the bone pain.

Thanks for your response.

LittleRed

Dear cagio1:

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this.  I'm sure it is overwhelming, and I am glad you have some good supports at this tough time in your life.

Maybe right now you just need to focus on your health and getting well - chemo and getting through it.  Deciding on a divorce or initiating a divorce doesn't have to happen right this minute.  You might wait until the weeks after the chemo, (or longer) when you're not so vulnerable and tired, to address this issue.  I'm not trying to say your instincts are wrong - he did a terrible thing to you - rather that you can take care of this business at a time when you are feeling stronger.  Invest your time and energy in YOU right now so that you can get well.

Be good to you -

CapeBretongirl

Dear Cagio1;  Reading your post has made me very, very angry, at your husband.  My heart goes out to you.  At this moment, the only reply I contemplate, would be badly immature......  So I am going to keep my mouth zipped.    (((hugs))) Angel

Bren-2007

Cagio .. sending you a big hug.  You've got an awful lot of betrayal going on in your life right now .. from hubby and your body.  As well as an enormous loss of trust, again, in your body and hubby.   I'm glad your family and friends are there for you right now.  I've been through both, though not at the same time.  Although I did find out about the cheating while I was having surgery for a non-cancer tumor.  I found the only thing that helped was that time did pass and I got strong again.  I was grateful I wasn't with my former husband when I got cancer.  I didn't forget the hurt .. but I have moved on. 

Sending love and strength,

Bren

cagio1

Thank you for your support.  wow, I never thought of the idea of "betrayal" of my body, but it really makes sense.  I appreciate you posting a response to me.  Sometimes I feel very alone but as I said before, I keep "puttering along".  I am very lucky to have support systems like I do.  I am very happy that I have a support system here to.  Thanks again and hugs to you all.

CapeBretongirl

((((Cagio))))

starr1995

I also have a similiar problem..Except my hubby did it to me on my first go round in 1995..Now on my 2nd round he is home everyday all day (disability) and does absolutely nothing except hold down his recliner to stare at the tube and computer..He has become so sarcastic that I don't even like him anymore..I have battled this monster (cancer) and I am trying my best to beat it..Please tell me how do I fight both..We have been married  for 33yrs. and you know what I am just tired of it all..Prayers are requested please..Advise and thoughts will help to...Hang in there everyone..Stay strong...

tamlyn110

Starr- It is hard enough to go through all this and fight this cancer, you don't need to go through that too. Have you tried talking to him? Or is it beyond that? I left my husband right before I found out I had cancer.   I was just staying with him because it was convienient. I was not happy. He was miserable and made me miserable. I decided I would rather be single & Happy than be with someone & miserable. I don't know if I am helping at all. Stay strong & I will pray for you.

starr1995

Thanks..Yes, I have tried many times..He is one of the guys that thinks they are right and you are wrong on everything..I mean down to the point of me telling him I had 14 lymphnodes removed on the first go round and him telling me no I didn't..So therefore I got  a copy of the report and showed him to prove I was right..Why should I have to do something like that anyway, this is my body and I know about what I have been through..It's just a constant battle with him, sometimes I think the cancer is easier to deal with..Like I said I am just tired and I think I know what is coming on my part..Sad but true...Thanks so much for the reply, it is certainly hard to talk to anyone in my community without spreading family gossip ya know..And it's always great to talk to someone that is dealing with a cancer and you just don't feel so alone..

tamlyn110

Starr- I sent you a private message

cookiegal

So sorry you have to endure such trials.

One day you will be able to write one hell of a country song.

cagio1

I am so sorry that you had to deal with the same thing in 1995 and now the sarcasim.

I am finishing chemo next week.  Feeling stronger.  I am getting a divorce.  He has been out of the house since August and I have managed to make it through recovery from surgery and chemo.  I will be fine. 

Divorce is not an easy decision but... my thought was " I don't know what will happen after all  of this Cancer stuff is over, whether God will give me years or decades but I did know one thing, I did not want to spend it with someone who would disrespect me so much and not value me.  I am sad and hurt (we were married for nine years and together for 12) but I did not do this.  He did this and I need to move on.  My thoughts and prayers are with anyone that has to go through this type of betrayal. 

 Cookie:  True about the country song.  I was thinking of writing a book called 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME???"  that is all I have been saying for the past six months. 

hrf

Unfortunately, so many men behave badly and hurt their wives and families. Look at Tiger Woods!!! And if his wife stays with him for 2 more years in order to get $60 million, I don't blame her. Then she can take the money and run and never have to worry about money again.

bf2009

I also feel overwelmed by my husband and his actions, expectations and so much of the baggage he has brought into our marriage.

For instance, he sometimes threatens to leave me !!! and he is such a poor communicator, he also has very odd responses to things that are baffling to me.

I suggested he gets counseling for his issues and let me work on my issues like gettting some support for chemo related issues. I feel overwelmed often by his total lack of understanding of what I'm faced with and his silliness over the things he concerns himself with, mostly having nothing to do with the issues of cancer.

That he gets mad, cannot communicate, starts fights and very ego orientated ( wants lots of pats on the back for something small he did ) makes me so sad. I get scared of whats going to happen as time goes on and more chemo treatments and increased weakness as to what

STUPID ideas he will come up with. He will not work with me to help ME plan to do things to conserve my time and energy which is upsetting. He also has older kids who are very irresponsible and drama prone, lazy kids. One is especcially bad adult child as she has never once been honest and likes to create drama. recently she was involved in a situation where she was involved in a crime, not harmed... but due to her lifestyle and behaviors ( she is a habitual lair, user of people who likes to play head games, and has a long history of being like this)

and I'm supposed to feel sorry for her?

She was not hurt or harmed in any way and my husband says I should feel sorry for her and that I have no compassion. For one she has never showed me any compassion, even when I told her about my BC diagnosis and to add to the fact the situation she was in, she was not hurt and is alive and well, a situation she could have avoided by acting responsibly but failed to do so as she is and never has acted responsibly with anything including her behaviors and attitudes ( habitual lair, makes huge issues out of nothing, fits of rage, verbal abuse- maybe all starting to catch up with her?)

anyways... I feel overwelmed and frustrated too. My husband comes to me and tells me he is thinking about leaving me and when I get upset, says I need help. He even told me he is going to tell my doctor I'm crazy ! WTF ?

I'd sure like to see him deal with having cancer ! he is so out of touch with MY REALITIES that its just mind blowing to me. He says some pretty crazy and mean stuff sometimes and I am starting to see he is not as good a man as I once thought. He wants to do only whats easy for him, like driving me to the doctors ( after he threatens to tell my doc I'm crazy ???) shesh. What a mess.

I told him to go and yet he doesn't. I don't even know if I can trust him to be there physically !!! to help me !!!

When I make lists of things I need to do before next round of chemo, he doesn't want to do anything on the list, yet he has family leave time he can take off to help me. I end up doing everything myself. He wants to DRIVE ME TO THE DOCTORS APPOINTMENT and get big kudos what a hero he is !!!

and that is not what I need help with. I need help stocking up on food for me and the pets, cleaning the house to help not get a infection, to wash the dogs to keep things clean and not get some infection from them as my immune system will be gettting bad with each round of chemo.

Sometimes all I can do is cry. I thought I married a good man but the fact is, when the chips are down you can find out he isn't all you thought he was. My husband I'm finding out is a very poor communicator and does not understand the teamwork needed to communicate to help this chemo go as well as posssible.

My feet hurt so bad I can hardly walk sometimes, yet I am forced to go do the shopping because he won't. Lots of little stuff like that. It makes me so upset. Not sure what to do but I pray and think how I will never marry again if I make it through this. I have been seriously let down by my husbands perceptions of his role in my life right now.

I am overwelmed with his baggage and irresponsible adult kids, his ignorance of things that need to be done PRIOR to another round of chemo to conserve my energy. He also will not do anything to try to eat better and I end up having to do all my own cooking. He won't even try, but when I make something he likes he has no problem eating it all up ( a few days food in one meal)

Its sometimes more than I can take and my only salvation has been prayer and anti anxiety pills. I don't know whats going to happen but I am learning I cannot trust him and becoming more anxious with how things are going.

Cinde

Hey Girl I feel your pain, I got done with treatments last month and now my husband wants a divorce he is seeing someone 20 younger, he's 61 and shes 41. It has really hurt me so bad even worse than the cancer. I am 51 I have stage three Cancer , well I hope am a survivor. I will survive this I am divorcing him. His new girl friend won't like him much when He's left with nothing.

Hang in there I am,  he never went to one treatment with me, you dont need him!

God Bless you

Cinde

bf2009

Today my husband did laundry and cleaned the yard. He said I have no compassionn for him and all the stress and pressure "HE" is under. How he didn't eat much yesterday other than going out to dinner with his daughter and how I should " feel sorry for him" and that he feels I have no compassion for him.

TRUELY INCREDIBLE !!!!

of course I need the insurance right now, so I limit my thoughts to internal ones of what a idiot he is. I am going to start praying daily for God to save me from all his stupidity and cry baby bull. He thinks this is so hard on him? because he has some new chores to do?

aw geeez.... all I can say is, I did not know he was such a wimp.

but a wimp with insurance I need, so I will have to ask for better anti anxiety pills as by the time I am through with chemo and radiation, he may have a breakdown to have all these new chores and having to feed himself/ cook, take out trash and do his own laundry. Hope it doesn't kill him ( eye roll)... as things are so TOUGH ON HIM (HAHA)

he actually wanted me to tell him I feel sorry for him !

I found that to be quite eye opening as to his mentality !!!! I am the one with stage 3 triple negative BC and in chemo. Not him !

All that is different for him is... he has some new chores. He is going to have to clean his own bathroom now too, poor baby as I'm just too tired.

I did offer to do my own laundry, which he gladly accepted. It will be quite a burden off me to do my 2 loads a week, rather than the 5 or 6 I usually do.

win, win situation with the laundry for me !!!

I am married to a jerk, but he is a jerk with insurance I need now. Pitiful and I sure hope God is kind to me here with these new developments as I certainly have been a strong, level headed and good wife. I do not deserve to have to hear him whine or him ask me to feel sorry for him !