What's with the crying?

sredd7681

This is new for me.  I've started crying at the drop of a hat for no discernible reason.  Almost out the door to go to the post office and I start sobbing.  I couldn't stop and it scared me.  I finished radiation a few weeks ago and am on Arimidex.  Am I going insane?  I just can't seem to stop. And I don't want to go to a shrink and I don't want drugs.  I just want to be happy and I think I've lost the ability to feel joy.  I really hate this and will probably short out my laptop.  I know a good walk would help BUT I CAN'T STOP CRYING.  I want my Mom and she's long gone. I am so lonely.

Crybaby 

momand2kids

sredd,

I doubt you are insane-- you have just spent months "working" on this--- and after radiation, everything sort of "stops"..... I think there is a natural let down.  I have to tell you that I did see a counselor throughout this whole experience and it really helped me.... I did not do any meds, but having someone to talk to was really helpful.  You miss your mom, you have just had a life-altering experience--- of course you are sad ...... please think about talking to someone--most of the hospitals have good counselors-- and you may feel better after only a few visits....think of it as  a bridge between treatment and the rest of your life...... we all need help sometime

hugs

Laurie09

I think momand2kids may be right.

I went through a really hard time after I finished chemotherapy - couldn't stop crying.  Every day, multiple times a day, I spent in tears.  It seemed like a bit of emotional let down after finishing chemo, and for me, I also went through a period of feeling really scared after finishing chemo. 

Anonymous

I too had a very emotional time finishing up rads - I had made it through chemo and surgery, and now rads, and then it was like, what now?  Who is going to take care of me now?  I think it is normal.  I was weepy and sad for no good reason at different times and it was hard, but it does get better - once you get used to the idea that you aren't having all of this treatment and you are actually on the road to recovery, your brain gets used to the idea and it does get better.

ICanDoThis

I have a theory that the stages of cancer treatment are:

Diagnosis

Surgery

Chemo

Radiation

Falling Apart

Almost all of us seem to do most of these. I just wish somebody would warn us about the last one.

If it helps, you are so incredibly normal. Ask for a reference to your center's oncology social worker. I went into therapy for about 6 months. I am on the other side - It was like, when I let go of my stiff upper lip that got me through everything, there was nothing to hold me up any more.

Mantra

I too went through an emotional time. At times I still find myself crying and sad. I remember leaving the surgeons office after she delivered a far better than expected pathology report. Instead of feeling joy, I felt heavy hearted.

I remember saying to DH, "I should be dancing in the street and instead I am finding myself having sudden bouts of sadness and tears.

It really disturbed me because this is completely opposite to who I really am. I basically had to fake happiness to all my friends and family. They were crying with joy at my results and yet I felt heavy hearted and sad. I could not resurrect the old me no matter how hard I tried.

After a lot of time trying to self assess why I felt like this, it finally hit me. Cancer had not only affected me physically. It affected me mentally, spiritally and emotionally. I was physically "healed" and therefore automatically assumed I should be on top of the world. But I realized I would never feel completely healed until I healed myself emotionally, and spiritually.

It is a work in progress. I'm not sure I will ever be my ol' self again. I find it hard to go out with friends because they keep expecting the old me to show up. The fun one. The entertainer. Maybe one day the old me will resurface. I really hope so. But I do know that until I am completely healed emotionally and spiritually, it will always be a work in progress.

momand2kids

I agree with Mantra--and I think we have to give ourselves a break...as I come very close to the 1 year anniversary of my dx, I realize that there are lots of days when I don't really think of this at all, and that is good- but that there are still some days when I do... and that might be that way for a while.... I have friends who are further out who say they never think of it at all and I believe them...but for right now, still in the early post-treatment days, we have to cut ourselves some slack.

I do think it is a physical experience, but also emotional and social--- I know I am not the same person that I was before--in some ways,I  feel lighter and happier, and in other ways I feel a little somber because I know now for sure that things can go wrong in the world in spite of my best efforts..... I feel the sadness sometimes or the numbness from the lack of estrogen..... but I am hopeful that over time, these things will subside.

When you think about life before, there were good days, bad days, days in which we felt happy or sad... I think we can get backthere-- we just need time....

best

otter

sredd, it's the Arimidex.  I swear it is.

Sure, I was gloomy, and even morose, for weeks at a time during my "cancer year" (2008).  But I figured I had a perfectly reasonable excuse for those bouts of depression and crying.  After all, I had just been dx'd with cancer, or had just undergone a mastectomy, or had just lost my hair from chemotherapy and was feeling like cr*p.

Even after all that was done and my hair was growing back with those fabulous curls (NOT!), I still knew my occasional gloominess was a "normal" reaction to what I had been through. A cancer diagnosis is a devastating blow to one's sense of stability.  As an example, here's an article I found about Dame Maggie Smith, who has won all sorts of awards for her steely portrayal of various characers on-stage and in films.  Her most recent role (at least, the one most of us will recognize) has been as "Professor Minerva McGonagall" in the Harry Potter series.

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/film/article6860533.ece#

Despite the strength and resilience she has shown throughout her life and in the roles she has played, she said she was "knocked sideways" by her breast cancer diagnosis and treatment: "It takes the wind out of your sails and I don't know what the future holds, if anything." (http://www.transworldnews.com/NewsStory.aspx?id=127584&cat=25)

Wow.  What an honest acknowledgment of what many of us have been feeling!

I think there is more to it, though. Since I finished chemo and started on Arimidex 16 months ago, I've had episodes in which I swear I'm suffering from PMS... even though my last "M" was nearly 7 years ago.  So, it's not PMS.  Yet, I've found myself all weepy and "sad" for no reason at all.

My weepiness has not lasted very long, so I don't think it would be dx'd as "depression" (which tends to linger).  Whether or not yours lingers, you should not think it's abnormal to feel that way.  But, it might help if you talk to your doctor or to another healthcare worker about it anyway, because they might be able to direct you to something (not necessarily a drug) that could help.

Hugs...

otter

BMac

I experienced what I described as Post Traumatic Stress after I finished chemo for my ovarian cancer.  It was such a let down.  They had a bell that you rang at the end of your last chemo and everyone congratulated you.  I felt an overwhelming sadness.

I think, for me, it was the feeling of "Now what".  When you are in active treatment you feel like you are doing something constructive.  Once treatment is over what are you doing to keep the monster at bay?

Believe me, this is completely normal.  Talking to a prfessional or joining a group could be an option.  Sometimes talking to someone who "gets it" (like the wonderful ladies here) is very helpful.

jillyG

First, I am so sorry that you feel lonely and that you lost your ability to feel joy, that made me tear up because I know that so many of us feel that way, myself included.  Secondly, are you insane?  I sure hope not, because it means I am too lol. 

I cried at diagnosis and then not again for months and months, even through the mastectomy and the hair loss and the chemo, I was pretty upbeat, looking back I guess it was just 'survival mode' really.  But as soon as I was done treatment I fell apart.  Well said Sue......your stages of cancer are bang on   Maybe our bodies know that we can't handle the breakdown while in treatment, so it waits until we're done to hit us like a ton of bricks.  

Do you know that song 'letter to me' by Brad Paisley?  I wish I could go forward 10 years and write myself a letter telling me that it'll all be o.k. and that this pain won't last forever.  I hope you have many joyful days ahead of you and that we can all find peace and happiness in our lives.   

Anonymous

(((sredd)))

You've experienced trauma...and you were only dx'd in July 09.  Give yourself permission to feel sad/shellshocked/emotional/[fill in the emotion] for awhile.  IMO we as humans aren't meant to only feel "good" feelings.  We're meant to be sad and blue and scared.  Be gentle with yourself and cry as much as you want.  One day you'll wake up and feel like not crying.

Peggy

kane744

My treatment ended in April.  In July I broke my right foot which meant I couldn't drive.  Sunday I had a BIG breakdown.  Cried my eyes out for hours.  I'm sure it's all due to what I/we went through.  Don't worry too much.  Give yourself time to grieve.  It's normal.

Anonymous

How are you doing sredd??  Thinking about you...