Harder to be alive?????

syd_tennant

Hi, as a few of you know, I was diagnosed almost a month ago, already had a lumpectomy last week, and going back to surgery next wednesady to remove more tissue since pathology came back with positive margins.Also the tumor thats left inside is invading a vessel wall, which colud mean that it has already traveled thru my blood stream (although nodes came back negative) with all the consecuences you girls shoul already know.

At the moment I was diagnosed, I felt great, healthy, going to my volleyball practices three days a week, being a single mom of a 4.0 student, part of his school volleybal team, 12 years old beautiful boy, and working full time as a private practice attourney. I have no doubt in my mind, that in all aspects of my life, I was having the best time ever, I was getting, at 35, where many 45ish wish to be and havent.

Suddenly I felt a lump (august 27 2009), went to the doctor almost inmediately, had a mamo, then a sono, then a stereostatic biopsy, and three days later (september 17, 2009), my dear friend (a great man) and surgeon, told me the most horrible words Ive heard: RESULTS CAME BACK POSITIVE...

My life, since those words have changed radicaly, from doing all that I was used to do, my life has reduced itself to visiting doctors, doing surgery,  all types of tests, recovering from surgery, going back to surgery in a few days, waiting to recover from the second surgery to start the real treatment, which btw I will have to travel for about two hrs each way to get, for six to eigh months, then radio, etc... u girls all know the drill.

So today, while I was trying to put my home in order, I started thinking... how much harder  is it going to be, since this is just starting and I have no energy already (mentally and physically). I dont have a lot of time to spent with my kid, or to work, or do exercise, or even clean my house, let along sleep. I cant accept the idea of loosing my hair, or people seeing me and thinking poor her, shes having such a hard time. Ive always being so independent, never  asked anyone for help, doing all by myself, and now just having to deal with the idea that I may need help, and asking for it to people that hasnt being there for me in the past, but that are the only ones that can help (even though Ive had three excellent friends that had being there for me, they have to go to work everyday to pay their bills,and it would be unnaceptable for me to even think in using their alreadysincere offered help)

Im so tired, and today while I was cleanning my house (for the first time in a few weeks, something totally unnacceptable for me) this thought crossed my mind "isnt it easier to let nature run its course" after all, whats going to happen will, if it is Gods plan. That way, Ill keep going with my life as I had, being a mom, a friend, a lawyer, a team player, etc, until who knows when. But at least Ill be doing something that makes me feel good...

I know from what I read in here that supposedly  "it is going to get easier", but since Im already so tired, I dont want to do it, I  dont want to fight, I just want to act like if nothing had happened and keep going with me life...

Had anyone felt like Im feelin????

HelenaJ

Syd (((((hugs)))))

My favourite saying since all this SFBC stuff has been "this too shall pass".  I am very much like you, independant, always managed on my own, don't ask for help and outwardly capable and happy.  Unfortunately with diagnosis all that control gets taken away from you, you have to sit and wait for test results, recover from surgeries and deal with horrendous treatments, take time off work.  Is it worth it?  Who knows.  I managed without having to ask for help too often which isolated my friends and family to some extent as they just don't know what to do sometimes and something practical gives them a chance to show how they care.  But I did it, how strong am I.

My biggest problem was carrying on life living with the fear of a recurrence, living with the fear that it could actually make me sick and debilitated or of course worse.  I knew I just wasn't strong enough to fight those inner demons going forward.  I needed to take control and do something to fight it, fight it pschologically as well as physically.  And I know it sounds naff that "it does get easier" but time is such an amazing healer.  I never want to see another doctor/surgeon again.  I don't want to be associated with everything breast cancer.  But I am now back into just about everything I was before SFBC but I'm changed too.  It's been a year but I have also learned so much about life along the way.  I wish I could give you the magic reply to make it better for you but coming here to vent and let it out you will find how many women feel or felt exactly how you do.

sending your warm hugs and empathy

Helena

txstardust

Syd, I can definitely relate.  In some ways, I am in the same position as you - have two teenagers, going to grad school.  I'm even getting married in March.  Then this came along.  I've flirted with the idea of "just let things happen" - but then I think of how much I would miss if I didn't do everything I could to fight it.  What if it spread?  I would miss seeing my kids graduate, get married, have kids of their own; not to mention realizing my own new career goals, a long life with my husband-to-be...and I knew that I just HAD to do it.  Yes, it's been very difficult.  I have also had two surgeries with debilitating fatigue.  I've had to let housework go much longer than I would ever have before.  I have only cooked one family meal in the past week.  But, like Helena said, I remember..."this too shall pass".  It has to.  So, I will put up with the disruption of my life for the next 6-7 months, so that my family and I will have many years together.

Peace to you,

Shelby 

syd_tennant

Thank you girls. I guess "it does get easier". I do want to fight this, I want to be a part of my kids future, but Im so tired (already), and I dont know how to to let go myself...

Helena: How did you let go "the "superwoman" and deal with the "criptonite" of people doing what ur supposed (or used) to do???

Liezel

Hi Syd,

We can all relate to your feelings now, newly diagnosed.  And, yes, it does get easier, and shall pass, but the fears and worries will always be there.  While us as women try so hard to be everything for others, our kids we do neglect ourselves in the process, and bc has been our wake-up call!  I know it is difficult for you to let go and to depend on others, but this is the perfect opportunity to allow all your friends and family who desperately want to be there for you for a change the opportunity.  And to learn in the process to step back and just be kind to yourself.

And if you read the boards you will see just how difficult life gets with mets and towards the end.  On you and your loved ones.  While I have also felt throughout tx that I just wanted to stop, I could not imagine putting my son and dh through that, so we carry on for them.

4 Years post dx what I can tell you is that it is a very difficult path.  Your life will change completely, your priorities will change and doctors will forever be part of it, but - it does get better.  As we continue on the journey, many angels come into our lives and help us through it and before we know it the sun shines again, and we can play volley ball again.  And you will be even stronger at the end of it!

Good luck on this journey.  Allow yourself to feel everything and be honest in your experience.  It will make this journey and the recovery easier. 

vashti55

Syd,

I am so sorry about your diagnosis and I understand the way that you are feeling.  This disease and all that comes with it is very hard, but I have committed myself to fight for my life.  I was 52 when I was diagnosed, married and caring for a totally disabled grown son.  Besides wanting to be alive, I didn't want to send my son to a facility for care.  My husband and I have committed to keeping him with us as long as the both of us are able to contribute to his care.  He is 27 years old.  I think that once you consider who else will be affected if you choose not to fight (that handsome son of yours), you will have a change of heart.  You are worth the pain, discomfort, and all of the other inconviences that come along with this disease.  You aren't alone and the thoughts that you are having are common place.  Thank you for your honesty and I wish you and your son many years together.

dreaming

I was a "Young Woman" when I was diagnosed, married, 2 kids, a teen and a college student.

I was never sick, had a charmed childhood,even that I had graduated from University, I  did not have to work,all perfect. Never had to ask for anything.

 When I demanded a biopsy and came positive, my husband decided that I did not have any cancer[?] and to shock me he got a girl friend, quit his top executive position, this way I did not have medical insurance and could not go ahead with "The lie , that I had cancer"

I had a long talk with my doctors, got a lawyer, filed for divorce,got  job that provided medical insurance and more important meds for my depression , joined a Support Group. I lost my home etc. Now I am years from my diagnosis, now middle age, a fantastic career in the medical field, saw my kids get married and finish college.

But the most important lesson I learned was to ask for help, that I needed medications for my depression, most of the women in my group were on them to help them cope.

 It is hard sometimes to stay positive, but now is the time to ask for help. You are not alone.

vashti55

Dreaming, I am so sorry that you had to go through that at a time when you needed your spouse to support you.  You are the prime example of how women can do what is necessary despite hardships.  I am happy that things worked out for you.  Continue to be strong.

syd_tennant

Dreaming, I am really  sorry that you had to go thru all that while dealing with bc. But as I can see, although I imagine it was rough, I can tell by your words that the experience made you a much stronger, independent (AND HAPPY) woman.... Huurrayyy for that!!!! After all that, whos or what is going to stop you???/? NOTHING!!!! KEEP STRONG!

goldie34

Hi Syd!

Oh boy!!!!  I was so there last March.  After being diagnosed at 35 with 3 young kids I felt like raising my hands up and giving in.  I cried for 3 days straight and then finally stopped feeling sorry for myself and began the FIGHT!!!!!!  Every time I looked at my kids it made me want to fight even harder.  The thoughts of my funeral, my husbands future new wife and not seeing those proud moments with my kids terrified me.  I have to say that after my painful surgery and 5 months of chemo I am so STRONG and nothing can stop me from living every moment with love, grace and gratitude!!!!!  I wish I could help you fast forward the furture months of BC treatment.  Its nothing anyone wants to endure.  I am happy to say I got through it and I am back to work living life like I never have before!  Have confidence in your treatment plan and never look back.  You have a new life now and I guarentee you will be a better person in so many ways. 

jenniflower

Hi Syd,

 I am in the same boat.  I am a 35 single mother to a 6 yr old daughter.  Where are you on your treatment?  I start Chemo next week.  I felt like that at the beginning of my diagnosis, but now I want to be here to see all the wonderful things my daughter will experience.  I know it is hard to see it getting better.  I am still in a fog and just rolling with the treatment.  

Jenn

MaryDee

Accepting help was the single most challenging thing about having CA treatment.  I have always been self reliant to the point of putting the whole world's needs ahead of mine, and never asked for help, ever.  For the first time in my life, CA meant that I had to challenge the old way of being and doing, and guess what?  It actually turns out that people LIKE to help.  Even though I have been big black vortex of sucking need this year, in the grand scheme of things I've helped them in the past and I will again in the future - it's part of the connection and gift of being a human.  CA is extreme and calls for extreme measures. Do the unthinkable -  accept the gift of help as it is offered.  You give to your friends when you allow them to give to you. 

Doug31

Hi Syd,

I know it's strange to see a guy on here, but my wife and I are dealing with a reccurence and I felt the need to get involved. Listen to MaryDee. If you need help ask for it. Chemo will wear you down physically and mentally. You can't do it all. Also, I'm sure you have heard this before....ask all the questions you can think of and get a second opinion on your treatment if for any reason you have doubts.....trust me. NEVER give up !! God does challenge us and situations like this seem very unfair but we must take them with fight in our hearts. Like some of these other ladies in here, my wife is fighting for a second time....she won't ever give up. I am right beside her all the way and get as much info as I can. The last thing I urge you to do is always request scans even if your doctor says it' not required. To Syd and the rest of you, Please continue to fight and never give up!!!