what to do? totally stressed!

txstardust

You know, you'd think that having bc means that all the other problems in your life should seem small in comparison, but sometimes they are not.  I am so stressed out!!!  I am engaged to a man who is a wonderful person, but has absolutely no budgeting skills whatsoever.  I just checked our accounts this morning before going to buy some socks for my daughter, and there is $1.40 in the account.  That is ridiculous!  He has spent over $700 at a BAR since the beginning of the month!  I know he's stressed about everything too, but that is outrageous.  Not to mention that I talked to him about it a few days ago, and yet he still went and spent about $150 in the last two days.  Granted, it's not all his drinking, he buys drinks for the "boys" - but he's got to realize that this just can't happen.  

Now I don't have the money to buy my anti-nausea and steroid meds for my first treatment on Wednesday.  What am I going to do?  Should I call the dr.'s office and tell them I have to postpone treatment?  I am sitting here crying because I'm upset at him and worried about myself.  I am bipolar, and have been off my meds for about 6 weeks (since a couple of weeks after the dx).  I've been doing ok so far, but this is just pushing me over the edge.  Isn't having bc enough???

baywatcher

Txstardust-

I am sorry that you are going thru breast cancer and all the crap that comes with it.

While reading your post, red flags were going off everywhere. I am sure that he is wonderful but the spending habits that you describe can doom a relationship. Breast cancer is enough to deal with!!! Not sure if this is the advise that you are looking for but it is the best that I can provide.

Good luck to you.

dlb823

txstardust ~  Yes, it seems like having bc should be enough to deal with, but, unfortunately, that's not always the case.  And the stress bc creates on our families can magnify other problems.  As far as what to do, with a Grade 3 bc and 1 positive node, you do not want to delay your chemo -- even if you or he has to sell something or borrow the money.  This is a very serious matter and should not be backburnered or delayed until it's more convenient.

As far as your boyfriend, someone needs to set him straight on priorities.  Is there someone he respects who might step in and talk to him?   If you're being treated at a sizeable facility, they probably have a social worker or psychologist on staff, and maybe the 2 of you could sit down with that person for some help and support.  At the very least, I would immediately set up a separate checking account that he does not have access to, so that you can set aside what you need for your treatments. 

So sorry you're going through this, but I will pray that you can get things straightened out ASAP and that your boyfriend steps up to the plate, admits he made a serious error in judgement, and helps you figure out how to replace the money you need to get your chemo started on time.  If not, then as Baywatcher said, you would be wise to rethink this relationship, because, as you said in your post, you don't need this kind of stress on top of the bc!     Take care ~   Deanna  

j414

txstardust - I'm not sure how much of this is attributable to his budgeting skills (or lack thereof). Unless he is in some way mentally disabled, he knows that taking the money out of the account for booze is taking it away from you and your kid. If he's using an atm - he's getting a balance either on screen or on a receipt. And I'm sure you have mentioned it to his a number of times. He may be a wonderful person, but he clearly can't be trusted with $$$$.  If any of this is your earned $$$$, then you should set up a separate account that only you have access to. Or, in the alternative, beat him to it and withdraw what you will need for your meds b/f he can w/draw it for his own entertainment.

Sorry, I know this sounds harsh, but I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and $700 covers about 2/3 of our monthly food bill - it's a lot of money to blow over a course of a couple of days.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Best, J

txstardust

I truly appreciate the input from you ladies.  We are going to talk to my therapist together, I made an appointment for a week and a half from now.  I just hope it is a productive meeting, because I don't think I could make it financially alone right now with my kids.  I'm on disability due to the bipolar, and I could never afford to support us on my income alone - I was barely squeaking by before I met Frank, and now with medical bills already coming in, and issues with missing child support from my ex (he was laid off a few weeks ago), I couldn't do it.  My kids and I have been the homeless route before; we lived in a transitional homeless shelter for moms and kids for 10 months when I split with my ex 10 years ago.  I can't do that to them again.  

I guess that's where this stress really comes from, FEAR.  I'm scared enough with the bc at the age of 36.  I don't want to hurt my children and don't want to lose the man I love due to something like this.  I know I'm probably just being a stupid emotional woman, but there's just so much on my plate and I need to do something or else I will become paralyzed by the fear and do even worse by my kids.

sharingwithu

Hello Txstardust,

I want you to know how very sorry I am to know that you are suffering in multiple areas of your life.  Of course, having breast cancer, surgery, and all the god-awful treatments that follow would seem to make all the other many problems in our lives seem relatively tiny, but this isn't how it works.

All of your problems remain, even become more difficult because you may not feel strong enough to handle them, but slowly I think we begin to prioritize what's happening in our lives.  Quickly we may see that treating our breast cancer physically and creating enough emotional stamina to get through it all becomes a very reasonable focal point.

It sounds to me that your boyfriend is having much too much difficulty himself to be able to give you the support you need...financially and emotionally.  I'm sure he's a wonderful man and you love him very much, but YOU and your CHILDREN come FIRST.  You need all the help that you can possibly get to become cancer free and physically strong.

Please speak with the social worker at the hospital where you had surgery.  Call the American Cancer Society for help.  Go to a local breast cancer support group.  Go to your local Social Services agency and explain your financial situation.  You should be elible for Medicaid and Paad so you will be able to get your meds for $5 a script.  This should have been the case all along since you are on disability.

Going through this nightmare does NOT mean you need to give in to anyone because you are afraid!!!  Help is available!!!  Also, have you checked in with your local community mental health center to discuss your medical situation with a psychiatrist?  Are you sure that you can't take meds for your bi-polar condition???   

With this e-mail comes warm support and big hugs!!!  Hang in there!!

txstardust

Thanks sharingwithu.  I do get medicare as part of my disability, and the scripts are very cheap - but I was stressed because I had next to nothing left.  My fiance and I had a deep discussion last night about finances.  This is still a relatively new relationship (we met in March this year), and we've never really had a serious talk about money.  We are going to work on a budget together today, and he said he would give me his ATM card, and work on a cash basis - I give him an allowance, and once it's gone, it's gone.  He didn't fully realize how fearful I am of money problems - I had told him that we'd lived in a homeless shelter, but never got into the emotional toll that had on me.  We are going to go see a counselor together, and as far as the meds go, my friend lent me the money so I can get them. 

I appreciate the sincere support y'all have provided, and I've taken it to heart.  I am hopeful that we'll be able to work through this and come out stronger on the other side.  I'm also going to place a call in to my psychiatrist and see about getting back on the meds.

Thanks again, everyone!

Peace....