Starting Chemo October 2009

jeanl151

Sido,

  I think You as well as JoJo and MarieK are so right. All of us have those quiet (or loud) moments of resentment--who asked for this bc?  who wants to be going down a path we had not planned? how tired I am of hearing how brave I am? Mad is a better description!! 

  We have a right to these feelings. I am no psychologist but I am sure they are normal..

It does seem more scary as chemo ends, At least we feel like we are fighting it hard. Hopefully the radiation does as much. I too worry about the triple negative but know I cannot live my life with it as a constant worry.  I don't know how we will get thru this but I know we will.

  Hang in girls. People try to say the right thing  but sometimes no words will help.

Jean

JustmeAlicia

Sido and everyone ~

 YUP I can relate.  While I am still in chemoland; I just yesterday was crying to my DH that I wonder if I will ever feel normal again?!  I am so uncomfortable with these tissue expanders in, loss of both my breasts, have put on nearly 10 lbs, bald, nearly any eyebrows and eyelashes, no hair.  Geez.....  I am simply sick of being sick.  You know I never thought I was pretty was always so insecure.  After looking like this ~ heck I think I may be have been gorgeous after actually looking this hideous !  I love Princess JOJO's three G's it is a great saying JOJO.  And like Marie said One foot in front of the other.  I try to think I will be happy when this all over and just try to live in the moment.  I am sure I will have my days where the fear just breaks in.  Unfortunately that dreaded cancer diagnosis somehow forever changes us.

Big hugs my sisters. 

Alicia

valeriekd

Sido - I heard post chemo depression is pretty normal and it needs expression. I am glad you wrote it b/c it gives th rest of us permission to cry when its all over.

I know that all of us have been on an emotional roller coaster and things will level off some day- I have been meditating 45" a day and it helps me to settle- not necessarily happier but more settled definitely. I started this about a year before CA and it helps. I have been sober and clean for 23 years. Back then my "diagnosis" seemed insurmountable and life threatening but here I am! I hit step 11 at about 21 years clean (I am a bit slow) which deals with meditation and it certainly has helped me through this - have not wanted to pick up since CA dx. The meditation has helped a lot. Besides with my bald head I now look like a monk doing it! (Gotta get a robe and a rope).

Michelle I will be sending cyber hugs on Thursday.

Oh and thank you again for all you ladies- you are the best- Valerie 

Scoobydoo

Sido thank you so much for expressing what many of us are feeling.  I am about to go through last chemo tomorrow and I am starting to evaluate where I am now.  I am bald, sick and fat.  Not good.  I have no idea of where to go from here.  I  will start rads soon and also participate in the biophosphate trial and I think that will help more continue to fight the recurrence of cancer. 

I have alot of work to do with weight and fitness level so my fight continues well after chemo.  I have no idea what normal is anymore.  It is a distant memory.  I just have to find my new normal.  I really want my hair to grow back.  I am so tired of being bald. 

Please continue to share your feelings.  It helps all of us. 

Anita

one-L

Good evening everyone, I am so far behind you will just have to forgive me.

I am also tired of being bald.  I want my hair back and I know that it will be July or so before I have 2 inches of hair.  I don't want to wear a wig or scarves any more, but I don't want to go bald either.  I have gained weight, my energy level is getting better, but not the same and I am going to start rads, what will that do to me?  I am tired of being sick and not able to do all the things I was able to do.

I know there is an end to this, at least I hope so.  I resent the fact that BC has changed my life so much and not for the better.  I will have to work longer, because of insurance.  I really wanted to retire at 62, but I don't see that in my future. 

Now on the upside.  I am glad to be alive.  I am glad that they caught it early and I have had the opportunity to have it treated by skilled doctors and excellent drugs and facilities.  I am a glass half full person and I know I will see my grandbabies grow up and maybe see some great-grandbabies.  I have a loving and supporting family and a great job and understanding bosses, that have allowed me to take  off when needed.  I am truly blessed and I know it.  I have excellent insurance, but I still pay a lot out of pocket, but is is OK, I have a good job. 

The best blessing of 2009 has been you wonderful ladies that have been there for me and taught me so much.  I love you all.

Juannelle

JustmeAlicia

Aww such great posts girls.  Valerie ~ such a nice share.  Good for you for your 21 years clean !  woo HOO that is a wonderful accomplishment.  Thanks for such a nice post.

Anita ~ I am with you on the journey back to a good weight and fitness level.  Together we can continue on this journey back to good health !

Juanelle ~ beautiful share as well...  your last paragraph is inspirational and so positive.  Thanks for sharing!

I too love you girls and could not imagine doing this without all the wonderful friends I have on this board.

HUGS ~

Alicia

feistybluegecko

Mary - thanks for picking up on the treatments - yes I had originally though the treatments were the same, but just learned that the second half are TX.  So four AC done (woo hoo) even though i truly feel like shite today (an expressive Scottish expression;) )i feel a hugs step forward.

hugs to you all

philippa

Sido

Valerie, I am so impressed by what you have achieved.  You are right about meditation and now that the holidays are over and company has gone I am hoping to renew my own sitting practice.

Juannelle, your post is thoughtful and wise (as they usually are), much wiser that I feel right now.  Whenever I talk to friends or family I always have to find a positive note to end on to make them feel better, and while I know they are there, I think I'm feeling too bratty to acknowledge them right now.

Philippa, I'm sorry you feel bad today.  I hope you find some comfort and rest.

Be well my sisters, 

Sido

Scoobydoo

Good afternoon ladies!

Wonderful posts. 

Mary - Please update my smilies because I am now done with chemo!!!!!!  Yay and Hooray.  The RN oncs gave me a fun certificate and I cried and gave hugs. 

1L- boy do I know how you feel.  Your words were very encouraging and I second or third the comment about the support I have recieved from all of you wonderful ladies.  I do not know what I would have done without you.  I sure wish I had my hair and I also am tired of scarfs and wigs.  Iw will be going back to work in a couple of weeks and I will be sporting my wig.  I am sorry to hear about your insurance woes.  i am blessed that I have an HMO and have had to pay very little out of pocket.  Although I bet you are receiving much better care than me. 

Phillipa - So sorry to hear about you feelilng bad today.  I hated AC and felt bad the entire time on it.  Taxol is better in terms of fatigue and nauseasness (sp?).  However, I have had severe bone and joint pain on it so I have to take percocet while on taxol (well from day 3-day 10).  Although very few ladies have experienced this kind of pain.  So I am praying that your experience is better than mine.

Sido- This is the biggest challenge of our lives.  There are even after chemo challenges that noone tells us about.  I am really happy to be finished with chemo, but now what?  I have rads to go through but I still feel like I am a little lost.  If we stick together and discuss our feelings..good or bad..I think we can keep a positive perspective.

Anita

unklezwifeonty

Dear MaryNY,

I am done with chemo # 8. Please mark me complete :-)

micheleboots

Yah, Mary...

MaryNY

Onty: You are fully complete with chemo? Am I right in thinking that you won't be doing the +/-B let because your participation in the trial was discontinued?

Anita: Congrats! It must be great to be finished with this step. Like you say there are still challenges ahead and I guess we will all feel a little lost once we are through both chemo and rads. I've resisted until now, but I'm seriously thinking of joining a support group when I get to the rads stage.

Hi Philippa: AC and EC are different regimens. A=Adriamycin (doxorubicin), E=Epirubici, C=Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide).

You say you are moving on to TX next, do you mean Taxol or Taxotere? Will that be four doses?

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel like shite. That was exactly what I wanted to say when the onc asked me this morning how I felt after my last treatment. It's a quick and efficient way to sum up everything without going into the gory details on bowels, taste, appetite, chills, sweats and all the other nasties. 

unklezwifeonty

Yes Mary. I'm done with chemo. Yes I won't be getting B because I had a reaction to Taxol and the trial doesn't allow such people. I did get 4 B's though.

joanneasiata

ANITA

CONGRATULATIONS

All done now ,wow what great words to say , soon ill be saying them as well

Well i went to the docs she said to try a dermatitis  cream and if its not cleared up in a few days go have a mammo and ultra sound ,its only cleared up a very little so I'm going tomorrow ,and the pain in my groin, thought it was my gland ,well thats not swollen she gave my a  double check she said it more the edge of my pelvis bone my glands arnt up at all the sore area is about the size of my palm  she told me to tell me onco he is away ill the 22nd  thats my next app i might ring the office and see if anyone else is there i don't know whether to be a bit worried or not to be truthful i dont think i want to worry about it at all i just want to enjoy my good days to the max I'm sure you know what i mean .

VAL you are a great lady and your really sweet its amazing what we can achieve and just how strong we chicks really are 

PRINCESS JOJO

MaryNY

Sido, finished 14 Dec 2009
Juanelle, finished 24 Dec 2009
Anita, finished 4 Jan 2010
Onty, finished 4 Jan 2010 

Thanks for being the leaders of the pack. The end of treatment seemed such a long way off when we started this thread. It's great to see people finishing off their chemo treatments.

Haven't had any updates for a long time from the following, so they maby be already finished or close to finishing: boduml, Suz45 (supposed to finish Dec 30), newtonville, ReneeJean, piekarskijena, sammygrey44, clariceak. Hope you ladies are all doing OK.

We also used to hear regularly from MeredithK02 but she hasn't posted since mid-December. Hope she's doing OK. 

JustmeAlicia

woo HOO Congrats to all of you done with chemo ~

Alicia

unklezwifeonty

Thanks Mary. Update the last smiley in your first post also please!!! I'm dying to see it.

one-L

MaryNY, yes I finished on 12/24.  Talk  about a good feeling.  My 3rd tx was the worst, I don't know why that is,  I think most have more trouble  with that one. 

Congrats to Onty and Anita  for  finishing up today.  WooooooHooooo!

Princess JoJo, I hope you get that rash cleared up and all the other problems taken care of, there is nothing like having a problem with the bottom.

Philippa, hope to hear that you are feeling better, sending you a Hug.

Anita, I have had HMOs before and what I don't like about them is having to have the referrals.  I was never really sick on the HMO, so it was never very bad.  Now being on regular insurance, I have to pay more, but I can go to any doctor that I want.  Change at any time and they have not denied me anything, if a request for a test was made, it was granted.  I was just complaining about the insurance, because  I just got my deductible paid and my out of pocket expenses and I have to start over.  What a bummer. 

Sido, I know what you mean.  Everyone expects us to always be up and say how well we are doing, etc, on and on.  We do deserve the right to not always be on top of the world and show that we are emotionally unfit sometimes.

Michele, Val and Alica, hope you are all doing well this evening.  You all get a WooooHoooo, just for being there and being great.

Juannelle 

valeriekd

WOW what a list we r creating! Anita, Sido,Onty and Juanelle!!!!!That is four of us already! Time is flying by! What a drudgery while going through it but if four can do it - we all can-congratulations and thanks for being an inspiration to the rest of us!

Jo Jo Thanks for your kind words. I know you must be worried but G-d knows it is just as likely to be a reaction to the chemo than anything else. I am thinking you had a PET scan prior to chemo and that it was clear? My prayers are traveling around the world to you as I write this-you too are a great lady!

Warm wishes and love to you all- Valerie 

Sido

MaryNY, my last treatment was December 14th.

Anita and Onty, congratulations for finishing!  It's great to see the list get longer of those of us who have gotten through.

JOJO, enjoy your good days but see if soneone can see you before the 22nd and definitely keep us posted.

Peaceful days and minimal se's to everyone,  

Sido

MaryNY

Thanks Sido for the update on your end date. I added the end dates to the OP too. For brevity I used the US short date format, but everthing is so US-centric on the boards (spelling, grammar, drug names) that I might change it as the whim hits me.

RaiderDee

Congratulations to all of my chemo sisters who are done with treatment!  I am extremely jealous of you all.  I hope everyone will keep checking in on us slow pokes who have to keep going for awhile.  I am only half way through so I won't be done til March 18th.  Still, it's nice to see the light at the end of the tunnel even if it is through somebody else's eyes.  I hope everyone is going as well as can be expected.  Now is the time to rest up and recharge your batteries as much as you can since the holidays are over.  Hang tough.

Dee

unklezwifeonty

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I would like to thank all you lovely gals without whose support I would not have been able to complete this milestone. You were there with me every hemmy, every constipated day, every time I had a loose potty, every time I had fever, every bone pain, etc. Love you all.

joanneasiata

VAL

All i had before chemo was a bone scan and that was all good its most prob nothing and just me being paranoid.

princess jojo

azdiva

Hi All!  I'm Baaaack!!

I think I've been taking some sort of cancer vacation.  I'm not feeling back to my normal, but I just haven't wanted to deal with anything.  I am embarrassed to say that I did not even go in for my blood work for the last 2 weeks.  I can't explain it.  I just simply did not want to do it.  So I didn't.

Had the NYE Party (Happy New Year to All!).  Worked all day getting ready, getting food ready.  And then I was OUT before midnight!  I am told the party lasted well past 3 am, but not with me!  I wore jeans and a cute sparkly top, with a black skull & crossbones head scarf.  At some point in the evening I put on a blue feather vest.  I can only imagine that I looked like some demented cross between a pirate and a pimp.  While I was up it was fun.  But I just sort of hit a wall and that was it.  Lights out.  Ah well, I will look forward to next year's party and you can all come!

My hands have been bothering me.  Not tingly, but they feel heavy and swollen (but they're not swollen).  I guess that is neuropathy.  It has been worse this week, which I think is weird because it is my "extra" good week (given to me so I could have the party).  Shouldn't I feel better?  My feet feel fine, but I am having a really difficult time doing anything with my hands.

I am more anxious about tomorrow's chemo than all of the ones before.  I am just ready to be done.  I am worried about my hands getting worse.  I am worried about gaining more weight (over 17 lbs so far)!  I am worried about what will happen when I am all done with this?  How will I know it worked?

On the bright side - my hot flashes seem to have lessened in intensity.  I still get a few every night (and some during the day).  But not nearly as often as before.  I guess black cohosh works to some extent!  And my kids go back to school today!

So my remaining schedule is treatment #5 tomorrow, with #6 to follow in 3 weeks.  I may ask him to extend to 4 weeks again.  Although, given my anxiety, that may not be a good idea. 

Guess I'll stop for now.  My fingers hurt!  Hope this day finds you all well and side effect free!

Love,

Laura 

micheleboots

Wow it is hard to believe we are coming to an end of our chemo...Not soon enough for me..I am counting the days now..23 to go until my last treatment and PICC removal...

Laura, Just get-er-done....I too am anxious, but I want this to be over.  I think it is like a band aid, just rip that sucker off, even if it pulls the little hairs...Sounds like you had a great party...would love to see your pimp/pirate look...I feel like a pirate with my head scarf.  I make sure not to wear hoop earrings.

I have an appointment with the radiation onc. today..I am dreading the radiation now.  every day for 5 weeks, yuck.

Later lovely ladies.

JustmeAlicia

Hang in there girls.  So excited for you that are done and those of you that are coming up on done!  I go until mid February ~ cannot wait to be done.  AND like you said Michele - heck rip that band aid off heck take some skin I don't care.   

And I am in my black bandana now resembling a pirate, shame it's not halloween.  "topless" I look like a cross between Chris Daughtry (minus the chin strap hair thingy *only thanks to chemo) and Kojak ~ lol

Hugs ladies !

Alicia

txstardust

Congrats to all my sisters who have made it to the milestone of finishing chemo!  A great, yet scary time.  I understand the apprehension.

My DH asked me yesterday, "So, how do they know if the chemo has worked when you're done?", and I told him, "They don't."  He didn't know what to say to that.  I guess that was the first time he had thought of that.  It wasn't a fun thing to say or think about.

On a happier note, Josie, our new Border Collie, is doing great.  She is so smart!  And a great companion for me.  

Today, I start my new job as a graduate assistant at Sunshine Cottage School for the Deaf.  I am very nervous, as I haven't worked in over 8 years due to my bipolar disorder.  We'll see if I do ok.  And the fatigue from chemo, I just hope that doesn't interfere too badly.

Well, hope you all have a great day!  

Peace to all,

Shelby 

txstardust

Congrats to all my sisters who have made it to the milestone of finishing chemo!  A great, yet scary time.  I understand the apprehension.

My DH asked me yesterday, "So, how do they know if the chemo has worked when you're done?", and I told him, "They don't."  He didn't know what to say to that.  I guess that was the first time he had thought of that.  It wasn't a fun thing to say or think about.

On a happier note, Josie, our new Border Collie, is doing great.  She is so smart!  And a great companion for me.  

Today, I start my new job as a graduate assistant at Sunshine Cottage School for the Deaf.  I am very nervous, as I haven't worked in over 8 years due to my bipolar disorder.  We'll see if I do ok.  And the fatigue from chemo, I just hope that doesn't interfere too badly.

I also went this morning to the DPS office to get my new driver's license with my new name. I was wearing my scarf, and hadn't thought about needing to get a new picture.  I was worried they would make me take it off, but they didn't.  Not that I mind being bald, but I didn't want that to be on my driver's license, reminding me every time I saw it until it expires.  Thank goodness!

Well, hope you all have a great day!  

Peace to all,

Shelby 

Sido

There's a wonderful thread on the Triple Negative board by Cheekymonkey titled "Sisters with IDC with Different Treatments and Outcomes."  It reminded me why I'm doing all this and why the chemo and radiation is worth it.  Considering how bratty I've been lately about my cancer treatments, that's saying a lot.  You guys might want to check it out.