I don't understand :(

Stacey123

My mom was diagnosed with Breast cancer a couple of weeks ago. She came back from the op about a week ago and was doing really well. She had stopped taking her pain killers after seeing the nurse and didn't seem in much pain.

Having said this, 2day I got up at half 6 to get ready for college. I went to see mum as she's always awake and she could barely move. I hate seeing her so ill. Like I said I don't understand it. Not just that she's in more pain than normal but also her and Dad haven't told me any details about any of it. I just want to know what we're all dealing with. I don't even know how to feel about it. Should I be worried, scared, upset? I just don't know. I just wish they would tell me what's going on. I don't know why they haven't told me, I may by "just" 17 but I would understand what they were talking about.

When I first heard I wasn't scared about the actual cancer because Dad said they caught it really early but it's the after the op stuff i'm scared about. I don't want my mum to be in any pain or to feel scared. I just want o rap a tight bubble around her for a while where she won't feel anything bad.

I hate seeing my mum so ill and she's the most generous and kind person ever, why should she be the one to get it. Not that anyone deserves this but it doesn't make sence to me. I've never been religious but this is another thing to remind me that there can't be a God out there and if there is one he's a sick son of a bitch!

I know I'm not the only one to go through this but with my parents not telling me much and none of my brothers or sister talking about it, I do feel alone in this. None of my friends can relate to what I'm feeling so i just wanted to post this to make myself feel part of something.

ElaineD

Hi Stacey. Sorry to hear your news. Firstly, can I say that your parents are likely to be trying to protect you? My kids are in their 20s, but I'm still very careful about how much I say to them.But, I'm always truthful with them and answer any questons they have-and if I don't know the answer, then I find out for them!

I wonder if it would be an idea to simply print out your post here and give it to them-allow them to read and mull over what you have said, and how you feel? You strike me as being very sensible and mature, but speaking about your worries to the people you love the most will be tearful and emotional for you. By letting them read your very well expressed feelings, they may feel more confident about involving you, in caring for your Mum, and any decisions that need to be made about her treatment.Keep in mind too, that your Mum's diagnosis likely came as a huge shock to them, so they are still coming to terms with it in their own way. To hear how you feel might just give them a nudge to give you the information you need. Additionally, it may come as a huge relief to them to realise that you have understood the severity of the situation, so they will be able to speak to you more frankly.

If you want to chat further, please feel free to pm me at any time, and I'll do my best to help. It saddens me so much that a cancer diagnosis affects the whole family, not just the patient, and your post has brought this home very forcibly. Good luck, and try not to worry too much-there is a lot that can be done nowadays, even with the most aggressive cancers.

Angel10

Stacey,

It does sound like this is very painful for you. Parents often want to protect their children from worrying about them...they don't want their issues to "interfere" or distract you from what you are doing...college and all.  But I totally understand that not knowing can be almost as hard as anything else.  Have you told your parents how you feel about this?  And are you sure that if what they did tell you was not good news, that you could be strong and still go about college, etc., without falling apart on them?  If it is good news in the sense that it is caught early, and she is in pain from the surgery, I hope she is talking to her docs about it.  It doesn't sound right that she was better than got worse.  If however your folks are holding back info from you, thinking that it is best not to share it with you, perhaps it is because they don't know what they are dealing with themselves and want to sort it out in their own minds before opening it up to you.  That may not feel right to you, but I think they have a right to figure this out for themselves first, and they know you better than anyone on this site does. You need to let them know how you feel, but you might also need to give them some space to figure it out first. 

Cancer never makes sense, and no one ever deserves it...it just is. And God does not cause it. It is allowed to happen, but it is not caused by Him.  He doesn't want your mom or you to suffer.  My God did not want me to get cancer either, but He has been there throughout my journey and as I opened myself up to the possibility that He could give me strength, I got stronger.  I never felt alone or abandoned, even as I realized that there was no one in my family or my friends who knew exactly what I was going through...but God did...He was there for me and it gave me great comfort. I am not here to tell you how to feel about God in all of this....but I do know that when I was going through this, I wanted to be around people who felt like I did.  Be careful that your anger with God doesn't put a wedge in your relationship with your folks....because He can be a friend to each of you as you go through this.

Stacey, they are many family members who come to this site for support and understanding and information. I hope as you learn more about what your mom is going through, or if you just need moral support in your not knowing that you continue to come here. Many have walked in your shoes before...and are here to walk with you.

God Bless

Angel 

Connie07

Hello Stacey,

Hi!  I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this. I'm also VERY GLAD that you found this site. There are some smart and brave ladies in here from all over the world who have gone through the same thing that you, your Mum and your family are starting to deal with. It's gotta be really hard to not know all the details, but you will learn them.

I believe that we learn the things we need to learn when we are ready. Since you are very courageous and concerned, I'm sure you are going to learn all you need to be a big help to your mum. And to not be afraid to ask the questions that you want answers to. It's a lot less scary when you know more about it. 

It's really hard to see someone you love be sick or be in pain. It's hard for your mum and dad too. Maybe it would be a good idea to sit with her, (take a book and just be in there) and listen to what is being talked about. See if they brought booklets or papers home from the hospital about what happened. Read those.  The ladies in here will help you, they have helped each other understand all the physical medical stuff and all the emotional stuff.... You will be able to help your Mum in so many ways, just being with her and being yourself.  Daughters are special, your parents are probably trying to protect you, but you can learn all you want.

                           hugs (((((((((Stacey)))))))))))!              

Please keep in touch and let us know what you want to know and how she's doing.

~Connie

Stacey123

Thankyou so much Angel for your kind words and understanding. I now feel better about the situation and agree with what your saying about the first part and I'm pleased you found comfort in God but my family are atheists so the whole God thing isn't really an issue, I was just ranting.

Thank you again for being there and replying.

I don't really understand the whole Grade 3, 0/15 nodes thing but if it means you have breast cancer like my mum then I wish you all the best and i really hope you get over the cancer and it never returnes.

Thinking of you

Stacey

Stacey123

Thankyou Connie for your advice, it makes a change from my friends going "oh she'll be fine" when they have no idea what they are talking about.

She has gone to hospital about half an hour ago so she will be in safe hands and they will sort out her pain for now hopefully.

 I hope you are well too.

Thank you once again Connie *hugs back*

Stacey

Stacey123

Thankyou ElaineD I will deffinately think about what you've said about printing this out and giving it to them. The thing is I don't like to ask them about it because I feel it is my mum that needs the support, not me and they will just think I'm being self-centured.

I understand what your saying about them trying to protect me, what you have said makes complete sense to me (:

Thankyou for your offer, if I ever need to talk about anything else I'll be sure to ask you.

Route53

Stacey,

As a parent, we did not tell our children what was going on as we didn't want them to worry, so we let them go to school and then told them when they came home later that night and their mother was back asleep in bed.  Depending upon the extensiveness of the surgery, your mother will be in discomfort for a couple weeks.

You can look at this in a different way as well.  Your parents obviously love you and want to protect you.  That said, if the situation were dire, I'm sure your mother and father would let you know.  As a dad, your father might be trying to put up a strong front.for your mother.  You might want to address him when he is alone and ask him how he is doing and if you can help in any way.

Connie07

Hey Stacey,

The Grade 3, 0/15 nodes thing is a way that they 'judge' an odd spot that was found. First they list the common name given to the weird cells, that's where people write DCIS, or IDC, or ILC, all abbreviations of the name they give it.   Second, is the "Stage", like 1, 2, 3, 4 + 5, She had a 3.  They remove a space of tissue that surrounded the bad cells, usually called a lumpectomy. They want to be sure they got all of it and if they did they call the edges all around clean...or "clear margins" is a good thing.

Third, the doctor also took some of her lymph gland vessels (these run all through the body) but in women are concentrated in the breast area - that includes from the top of your shoulder down to underneath your breast and from the middle of your chest to about half way under your arm. Put a piece of notebook paper over your chest and see how much area we are talking about, not just the Boob. They took 15 of the lymph glands (nodes) to see if they have any of the same weird cells, you say your mom's was 0/15... that's GREAT, it means that 0 of the 15 nodes they removed and looked at were weird. But because they removed a lump of breast tissue and 15 very small lymph nodes, she's hurting. The places they messed with are angry and they swell up and cause discomfort, but they will go down, a little each day, and hopefully she is strong and will fight it and will get some relief. 

Thats the first and scariest part of all of this. She and your whole family have been rocked by a very scary word given to those tiny weird cells, cancer. They said they found it early and the numbers you give are not the worst of what it could have been. So that's a good thing.

The next parts, after they manage this hospital visit, will be discussed before it begins. There are several ways that they may treat her to keep the bad cells from ever coming back. Whichever they choose will take, most likely, several months for it to be given, but with caring (like you do) and from other family and friends, she'll fight it. Look how many are in here talking about it, living, learning and dealing with issues that we didn't expect or want but we adapt to lifes twists and turns. The count is over 55,000.

I am a mom of 3 kids, girl, boy, girl, 29,27, 25, I know it's important to your mum that you continue to grow and learn, mature and succeed. She wouldn't want you to go getting all sick with worry about her.   

Going to college will be a great challenge for you, you will need to focus your energy into making good, solid career choices and make her proud. She will mostly want you to keep in touch with her constantly, like writing her a letter  or calling everyday (or at least every week) telling her what you are learning, people you meet, how you are managing your school and social life, and how much you care about her.

I'm proud of you for having the courage to write to us, not all 17 year olds would do that. Sharing your concerns with your Dad, and listening to how he feels won't be so hard. Once you do, you will  feel a lot more confident. I think that you see the value in sharing your thoughts and feelings and WOW!!! That is SO IMPORTANT!!!  I worked for an art college for 18 years and love working with college students.  What do you intend to study? Are you living away from home during college? If you'd like to just write, pm me. I'm available to be your pen pal and would enjoy hearing about what its like to go to college in the UK. The college where I worked has students from all over the world, they call it an International University for the Arts. I've met students from India, Tanzania, Brazil, Chna, Thailand, Indonesia, Korea, Australia, Russia, Columbia, Sweden, Germany, England, France and on and on. Once I had a student worker from Vietnam and we would laugh and laugh at the funny way english words sound when a vietnamese says it. I learned to understand him, but I couldn't let him answer the phone because nobody here in the Southern US could make out what in the world he was saying.

Hope this helps!   ~Connie

Stacey123

Thanks for the support and help. I won't be using this site again and I feel quite childish even writing about it.

Update: My mom is having chemo but only as a precausion so I'm not too worried about the situation anymore. I just wish it didn't make her so sick.

 I hope all of you are getting better. Hang in there. Lots of love Stacey xxxxxxxx

badboob67

Stacey,

I'm glad that your mom seems to be faring well even though chemo makes her feel poorly. Please don't feel childish about having posted here! That's what the board is for. Cancer is scary--even moreso when you don't feel as though you understand what's going on.

You hang in there too--and come back whenever you need to. I have 3 boys (13, 14, and 18) and would hope they'd receive support like you did if they were to come here with questions.

((((HUGS)))
Diane