The Good, The Bad and The Ugly - Online Dating for BC Gals

victorious

Hi All,

 I am gearing up to do some online dating and I thought it would be fun to share tales, give advice, encouragement, and generally help keep one another spirits high while we sit across the table and stare at a lot of frogs until hopefully!!! Mr. Prince comes along. So I thought I would put this out there and see what happens.  I wish there were other better ways than online to meet potential partners, but in today's culture it seems to be more and more difficult for everyone.  Sooooo ....let the adventure begin!

 Victoria

thebeckster

Hey I wanted to join you.  I have been through seven months of hell and am trying to get my life back.  I have been talking to a guy on the internet.  It seems like we have some kindof connection.  At this point, we are going to exchange phone numbers and meet sometime soon.  He really is the only guy on-line that interests me.  At what point do you tell someone?  Got any ideas?   

victorious

Beckster,

I used to think I would just put it right out there and tell them imediately.  Thensomeone set me up ona date, and I did that, and it scared the guy away comoletely,  So, now I think I would go really slowly and wait until I thought that "it" might happen.  What is the situation wit your breasts if I may ask.  I mean are they boobs or foobs?  Uni or bilateral?

Which online service are you experimenting with and how long did it take you to find someone to really connect with? 

 I am still trying to decide if I will use match or eharmon

Anonymous

Hey chicas! If you go back a year and more, you'll see my many tales of online dating. In April '08, I met a really great guy on chemistry.com (though he was only signed up for match.com and the two sites must share members because I only used chemistry at the time and saw him on that site) and we're still together and happily so.

I found online dating terribly frustrating when I approached it as a way to meet a lifetime/long term partner because, frankly, no one was measuring up. Once I took a short break (after an overdose of creeps and duds) and went back with the attitude that I wanted to meet "interesting" men who also happened to be kind and sexy, something changed and, believe it or not, the men I met were actually pretty decent and even fun...! So I kept doing it, all the while making sure that the priorities in my life were anything BUT meeting "Mr. Right." And then I met P. who may or not be Mr. Right (really, what does that mean anyway? ), but who is kind, generous in spirit and DEFINITELY sexy!

As for the choice of sites, my experience was that it didn't matter so much which site you used as long as you knew what you wanted (and didn't want!). I actually met some decent guys on plentyoffish.com and would encourage anyone to give it a try. After all, just because a guy appears to be a quality specimen based on set criteria the site uses doesn't mean he's not a serial killer, ya know?

So I say "go for it." As for discussing the boobs/foobs, my advice is to view that discussion just as you would any other medical condition that has profoundly affected your world view. If mentioning it is pertinent to the topic at hand and you feel comfortable discussing it, I think that you should. Otherwise, it's certainly not the business of anyone you've just met and have seen only once or twice. Breast cancer survivors, after all, have the same right to privacy as any other person does, though one sometimes wonders when surrounded by every other celebrity sharing every last gory detail with the world. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say, that we might want to consider being extra private about our experiences if they're still very fresh and raw. It doesn't make sense to discuss such a profound experience with a stranger when we, ourselves, are still processing it. What does everyone else think about this?

~Marin

thebeckster

Hey thanks for the response!  I was starting to think I was the only one having a tough time with this.....I had two surgeries-lumpectomy and reconstrutive.  Just finished six 1/2 weeks of radiation.  Getting ready to start Femura.  Not crazy about that! I have had a terrible problem with a rash after radiation.  I am very fair and they have determined that the radiation has made me super sensitive to the sun.  This has been seven long months!  Trying to get my life back and would like to start dating.  I joined singlesnet.com for thirty days.  I have e-mailed a couple of other guys but nothing really has jumped out at me.  I was planning on joining maybe e-harmony or chemistry next if this doesn't work.  If this guy turns out to be decent, I don't want him to feel I was dishonest by not telling...Cause lets face it-this is big.  I am not sure how I would handle it

victorious

Hey Beckster and all,

 I was away for several days witha girlfriend.  That was really nice and I felt pretty nornal.  ThenI saw my PC on Monday and he wants me to wait another 3 months to determine anything about revisions to my reconstruction.  I gotta tell ya ..... I am pretty OK in general, but having one hell of a time with how I look regarding my breasts, etc. 

So anywa, this evening, I wrote to my very first guy on Pleny Of Fish.  We'll see if he even writes back.  I think I just need to go get laid!  REally.  Not by a friend (did that - and that did not do it) but by someone that meets me and is intrigued and WANTS me.  Ya know!!  Just wants me.  Gotta have me.  Then, maybe then, I can move on to a relationship with more meaning.  I know I'ma lovable person- but I am so aware of how unattractive my breast are at this point.  And I was really disappointed when the PC said wait 3 more months.  I thought we would be scheduling the revisons NOW!  Lordy, this all started a year and 8 months ago and seems like FOREVER. 

 Tell me what you have been doing.  Anyone.  Anyone dating????Online or otherise???

 Victorious

hrf

Victorious, I don't feel ready to date again and I don't know if I ever will. Finished chemo 2 months ago but still no hair. Put on 20 lbs during chemo and was already 20 lbs overweight ... so now 40 and I had bilateral mx and there won't be any reconstruction for at least a year because I had rads.....my confidence is shot.

thebeckster

Hey Victorius!  Glad you were able to get away for a couple of days!  Sorry to hear about your delay for your reconstruction. It is just a temporary setback....... I have been doing the singles.net and e-harmony.  I have e-mailed and talked to on the phone a few guys, but have not actually met anyone yet.  I have noticed that if you don't post a photo, alot of guys will dump you quick.  (I can understand but can't as well).  At this point, I have not had much success.  I think it takes awhile, and patience.   Hang in there!

musiclovermom

Oh I wish this thread was active!

lovemyfamilysomuch

I am looking at plenty of fish in the sea, which is free.  Kind of interesting to look at!  Not really sure I have the energy to pursue anything, but it is a small diversion.  how about you musiclovermom?  Let's get this thread rolling!

musiclovermom

I just heard about that plenty of fish site... I actually had an e mail from a guy on christian mingle who told me to look at his profile threre - so I did and he seems nice enough but then it was Christmas and I don't want to be a stalker. I guess if he is still interested he might contact. Sitll would love a date for tomorrow night...

musiclovermom

OKAY...

good, bad & ugly  of on line dating...

I have a huge question! WHAT ARE RED FLAGS to pay attention to when some one new contacts you online?

I am thinking that some one is not quite right... and wonder if I need to do something so that I do not get wrapped up in identity theft.

I have not given out any specifics but there is so much info on the web...

I went to don't date him dot com and looked myself up! there was plenty of info on me! that got me thinking and usually if I get a wierd feeling there is something  going on...

so now I have decided to stop contact because I got a feeling, but what else do I do?

any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Enjoyful

Hey musiclovermom -

Wow....there's info about you on don't date him? 

I'd start by contacting the credit reporting companies and telling them what's going on.  They can place a fraud alert on your file.  A fraud alert lets potential creditors know that new credit applications in your name may be fraudulent.  Here's a link:

http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs17a.htm#1

This website looks like it has other useful information regarding identity theft.

Good luck!

E

musiclovermom

It's not like there was info on me exactly, but a link I hit would give info on people.

I typed in my first & last name, nothing else, and a bunch of people with my name came up. It was obvious to me which one I was and it had too much information listed with just first & last name... Scary if you think about it.

I finally blocked the red flag guy so he can't see when I am on line... I was creeped out by him sending me poetry. It's not like he was writing it himself, and if he was - it sucked! Not to mention he never asked if I even liked poetry - I don't.

So, I am back to square one. The Christian Mingle web site has not been very helpful and I have had better luck on Facebook & classmates.com finding old boyfriends and just catching up with what is going on in their lives. Not like anything is going to come of it because they all live far far away. It seems like every one has been married 2 or 3 times already! I was married 24 years and the last time I even looked at another man was in 1984. I feel so old.

I don't have any family in the state I live and no one knows me so finding some one who might be safe is wierd. At least if I had grown up here I would have many connections and people would know people and there would already be a social network to start with.

I have a few close friends here but they are married and can not imagine how to meet people. My plastic surgeon seems to think I won't have any problem meeting some one - but I told him I don't know where to meet men and he didn't have any ideas either!

If anyone has suggestion, I am listening!

Kimberly

Laurie09

Glad this thread was resurrected, because I'm starting to get out there again, too. 

I joined plentyoffish just on a whim to see what was out there... not really planning on acting on anything anytime soon..  But now I have a date scheduled for this Sunday!   

I'm nervous because I still have a tissue expander in - exchange surgery in March.  I don't really have any expectations for this date, but if it did turn into something, it could be a little weird...

I wonder if I should be waiting until my final surgery to date, but I didn't really want to wait until March... we'll see how it goes.

musiclovermom

OMG - you at least have a date! Yea for you!

Make sure you have plenty of people who know where you will be going!

I have a friend who made me promise to text her with any change of plans on dates. Just be safe!

I guess I should try this plenty of fish site and build a profile. I am feeling so defective that a date and male attention might just pull me up out of the rut. I could use a new picture of myself.

Good luck and have fun! It's only a date! My motto back 25 years ago was "sure - why not? I have nothing else to do!" not that I said that to the guy, but I went out with a lot of people...

Let me know how it goes!

Kimberly

Laurie09

Thanks, Kimberly!  I have a friend who will know where I will be and when... we're meeting middle of the day in a very public place.  Trying to be as safe as possible.  It is a bit scary getting out there again!

FWIW, about red flags, I don't know specifically, but if someone is giving you the creeps, there is usually a good reason and I don't communicate any longer with someone who is making me feel uneasy online.  Good for you for blocking that guy. 

1999survivor

Hi everyone, I had a really bad experience, just need to vent. Started chatting with a guy on Plenty of Fish and he wanted to talk with me on the phone.  He was very interested over the course of several days. He brought up knowing some doctors at Charlotte Plastic Surgery (where I had reconstructive surgery) and I slipped and said I was familiar with them.  The next day, he sent me an email and boldly asked me what kind of surgery I had.  I guess I had the option to tell him it wasn't any of his business but I'm not trying to hide anything, I told him and POOF, he deleted all my messages (you can tell that on plenty of fish) and I never heard back from him.  Some men are a) very shallow and b) very scared.  I was very hurt and cried for two days. 

Mai605

Good riddens I say!  There IS a guy out there where that won't matter...

1999survivor

Yeah, if anything, BC weeds out the bad ones.

musiclovermom

1999survivor

I am so sorry that happened to you...

I guess if we put it out there we will eliminate the unworthy men.

Today I was talking with my PS and he was telling me about a t shirt that said "yes they are FAKE - the real ones tried to kill me" - I told him I would wear that one as that is what I keep telling my friends "I will have perky new boobs that aren't trying to kill me" 

NOW I think I might need that T shirt if I go to Karaoke night... It would be an ice breaker and weed out the shallow men / or would it attract the shallow men? just don't know yet...

Kimberly

1999survivor

I'm not sure.  I don't know if this type has to have the real thing or not.  I have one natural breast and one flap reconstruction.  Christine Applegate says her boyfriend doesn't even see it either way, that he looks beyond it.  I'm recently divorced and new to dating so this is my first "slap in the face".  I know now rejection does exist because of BC, I knew it was out there, all my friends say, "no it won't matter, men won't care" but it is true with certain types of men.  There are some men that are so narcissistic that they can't accept flaws in women, they will discard you.  With this guy, I should have ran earlier, when he asked me to send him my measurements, before the topic of surgery/cancer came up.  That was a sure sign he was shallow.  Just think, If I hadn't weeded him out, I might have gone out with him and then discovered down the road what a jerk he is.

musiclovermom

At least you are getting out there.

I am still not ready. I keep thinking  "when I get my implants..." but when that happens, I might say "when I get my nipples" then I might say, "when I get my tattoos"... I could post pone it forever!

I have not even had a man want to call me. Not really sure how that would go...

My husband left me 2 months before my cancer diagnosis and I can't even imagine how to meet men. I guess I just have to go OUT. But that is so not me... I need to find the new ME.

1999survivor

Hi Musiclovermom,

It will happen, I've been cancer free for 11 years now and had more reconstructive surgery two years ago.  It comes from within and you will emerge out of this at your own pace.  There is a new you that you will come to accept. It's a sign of strength that I didn't lash out at this man, I turned away angry, yes, but I am determined to stay strong and to keep my grace and remain hopeful, just like I did when I found out I had cancer.  We march on, and you will find your identity again, just take your time.

musiclovermom

Thank you - I am actually liking the person I am finding right now... She is kind of funny too!

1999survivor

Good!  You will find you will be a stronger person who appreciates life more than before.  BC adds a dimension to your life that you didn't have before.