Son of Cancer: Help

SonOfCancer

Hello to all,

 I am 19 attending Boston U, my mom told me today that she has ILC breast cancer with a roughly 2 cm tumor in her right breast. It has been somewhat determined that it has spread into the lymph system but there is low miotic activity within the tumor. She does not know if it has spread to other parts of the body yet and her doctors have not provided any further diagnosis.

I feel as if I am in Limbo and realy do not know what to think. I maintain my inner strength and emit it to my mom in hopes of keeping her strong as well.

I was wondering what I have to look forward to in the coming years given different scenarios. You guys have a much better sense of what is going to happen given this preliminary diagnosis. My family lives in CA and I go to school on the other side of the country which is going to make it quite difficult for me to comprehend what my mom is going through. She is only 42 which makes the all the more difficult to comprehend.

Your input is very much appreciated,

-SonOfCancer

AussieSheila

Dear SonOfCancer,

it is good to hear that you are trying to actively be 'there' for your mother.  I have 3 sons in your position and know that I can honestly say here, "I know how you feel."

I was dxed w/ ILC in '95, when my youngest was 13 and eldest was 19, with a daughter in between those years who had cancer in her brain at age 10.

My tumours, yes two of them, were 2 and 3 cms, respectively.  I also had 2 lymph nodes with positive cells from 32 removed. As my treatment was so long ago, I can't say what the protocols are for her now as she is also unique in her own way, as we all are.  The treatments have changed since my time so I would suggest you check out the other threads.

The fact that you have come here for support and information is a great positive for your relationship with your mother.  You may be able to find information which will help her with the decisions she will have to make in the coming months ahead.  You also seem to have a good understanding of the terminology used in our field of disease.  This may help you understand and, later, allow you to help your mum in her understanding of her treatment and the consequent decisions she will have to make.

The one thing I will suggest here, if I may, is that you listen to your mother, not just with your ears but your heart and mind, too.  She may try to protect you from knowing all the painfull details of her tx, so remember that she has a right to some personal privacy through this journey, too.

Please don't tune her out once she finishes her treatment and returns to her 'normal' life.  Just because she doesn't see a Dr every week doesn't mean that she is 'over' it all. It takes some of us years to get rid of some of the residual side-effects and none of us gets rid of them all. 

If you read the threads on this site you will get a fair idea of which issues we women take exception to and which ones we need to fight for/about.  All of us have 'tolerance' levels and some can take more of one tx than another, so it is up to her and what she feels she can handle.

I hope some of the other more recently treated ladies can give you more up-to-date information and I'm sure they will be here soon. 

You will both also find that you/she will be pressured to try some alternative types of therapies by some pretty unscrupulous people. Most of them will only leave your wallet lighter and theirs much heavier.  If you go to the 'Quakwatch' site you can read up on all the research done on most of them and draw your own conclusions.

Best wishes to you and your mother,

Sheila. 

nash

Son, glad you found us here. I was diagnosed with a 2.7cm pleomorphic ILC tumor at age 38. My mom died of bc while I was in treatment for mine, so I've been on both sides of this. It's really hard on the family, and I'm sure it's got to be really tough for you to be away at school while your mom is going through all this.

Once your mom has a treatment plan in place, things will seem more in control. Given her age and presumed lymph node status, she will probably need chemo. Radiation will depend on her surgical decision (lumpectomy vs. mastectomy), and the tumor's location relative to the chest wall. 

ILC tumors are almost always ER/PR+, it's highly probable hers is too. That means she'll be on five years of Tamoxifen (since she's premenopausal), unless she elects to shut her ovaries down and go on an aromatase inhibitor such as Arimidex. Tamoxifen and AIs are oral medications taken daily that stop the body's estrogen from feeding any remaining tumor cells.

Women live for many years with bc, and the majority never have their disease metastisize. Try not to worry about what the future holds for your mom b/c you can't control it (I know that's easier said than done). The odds are in her favor that she will do well.

I live in So Cal, so if you have any questions about docs, etc, I may be able to help you. Just send me a PM.

SonOfCancer

I thank you both soo much for your help. At this point all we can do is hope that she is not in the M1 stage and the cancer is 100% treatable. Given that it is a smaller tumor I have faith that she is fine.

Another question that I have is regaurding my father and his demeanor throughout the process. Where there any specific things that a husband or son can do, other than unconditional support, to help his wife through the process. Any specific examples of what your husband/son did that made it easier or made just brightened your day.

 I know that alot of this information is quite personal but anything helps.

Best,

Sam 

nash

Sam, my husband came with me to my chemo sessions, which really helped me emotionally. He also insisted that we hire a maid service to clean the house.

You're already doing a lot for your mom by coming here, looking for info.That's what I did for my mom. She was Stage IV and ended up being in treatment for 5 1/2 years before she passed away. I did all the research, acted as her advocate, took her to chemo every week, took her to her scans, etc. Obviously you can't drive your mom around while you're away at school, but you can do the research part. 

Tell your mom that we're a friendly group, especially over here on the ILC board, and we'd love to have her join us here if she's up for it. 

You're a good son. I hope my two children grow up to be as caring as you obviously are.

AussieSheila

Dear Sam,  I have been trying to think of a way you could help your mother and father out and I have realised that your young sister could be the way.  She is probably quite frightened by the news about your mother (if she has been told yet) and you might be able to establish a closer relationship with her during this traumatic time.  Not knowing much about cancer or its tx, she is likely to be worrying about things as they relate to herself, as in, will her mum be there for the next parent/teacher meeting, or the other 101 things that make up her day to day existence at that age?  Even though you are far away you might be able to chat with her via internet or phone and she may tell you more than she would your parents, because she doesn't want to be a nuisance.  She will be very aware that something is wrong, whether she is told the full details or not and she will worry needlessly which might affect her school work etc,.

An idea for your dad would be to contact her school/teachers to let them know what is happening so that they can watch out for any effects on her emotionally.

Hope this helps some

Sheila. 

melissa12345

Hi everyone,

I am also looking for advice on how I can help. My boyfriend's mother was just diagnosed, and she had surgery yesterday. She has not told anyone, and my boyfriend only found out the night before surgery. She is trying to keep it to herself to prevent others from worrying, but noone should go through such a thing alone. I am very close to my boyfriend's family, they feel like my family, and I was just in shock because she is such an active and healthy (until now) woman with so much energy and strength. I am not supposed to know about her bc, so I feel like I can't even call or offer support. I would like to help in any way I can -- I don't think my boyfriend's family realizes that this is not a simple surgery and she will be recovering for quite some time. Getting a maid seems like a great idea-- but she seems like the sort of woman who would clean before the maid service comes. I also heard of the need for comfortable zip up or button up shirts after surgery, and the fact that it is essential to do the exercises several times a day. I dont even know many details about her condition, seems that she got a mastectomy with lymph nodes taken out, but the lymph nodes were negative. Any advice on how I can be of help would be greatly appreciated. My boyfriend and I stay in the parent's house every weekend, and will be there this weekend coming up, so I will try to help out around the house, but if there is anything that you can think of.. please let me know. Best of health to all of you -- you are such brave women & you deserve to be free of breast cancer.

Melissa

lassie11

Sam -  one of the best things my son did for me was to find this site! It has given me the opportunity to sort out my questions and frame the information given me. At the same time, I think that one of the important things you can do is to carry on with your school and do the best you can with that. It gives me great pleasure that right now all three of my children are doing what they need to be doing. It would be much more worrisome for me if they put their important things on hold.

Melissa - clothes right after surgery do make things easier - I got some big men's shirts which do the job nicely - and even come in pink. I also got a cleaning service once I learned that I'd be having chemo. That was an excellent decision. The hospital ought to provide information about the necessary exercises and after care.  Because of some miscommunication, I didn't start my exercises for several weeks and that hasn't seem to matter as I have full function back now. At first, I appreciated the relatives who provided food for my freezer so I didn't have to cook - but if your friend's mother has others in the house, maybe that is all in gear.

Again, keep doing what you need to do - and keep in contact with your mother (or friend's mother).

apple

Sam you are so thoughtful.. every mother should be so blessed with such a son.

Kind wishes, numerous emails.. calls to chat will help to let her know you are thinking of her.  For me it was not difficult going thru treatment and i probably had much more than your mother will require.  She may not be challenged physically, she may maintain her strength and energy just fine, Having a housecleaning service was a godsent to me.  It was so nice to be home and have everything clean and sparkling and not have to toil myself.  emotionally, it is a challenging time and people's attempts to reduce stress in my life (more chores and good grades  from my kids particularly) kept me going and my spirits uplifted.

Best of luck to you and your mom.

Seabee

Sam--I agree with lassie that you will make your mother happiest if you keep your own priorities in order and continue to do your best work in school. I often see students so upset by their parent's problems that they give up on school work and devote themselves to worrying, which helps no one. I'm glad to see that your approach is more constructive.

Just keeping in touch with your mother, showing interest and providing encouragement will be helpful. My son sent me copies of  articles he found which he thought might be of interest. Just the fact that he cared to send them was a morale-booster.

Your mother will probably let you know how much she wants you to be involved. and when. Since my son is a worrier (no longer in school, however), I didn't tell him much of anything until after I had reached some major treatment decisions, because I didn't see any point in causing him weeks of anxiety over a situation he couldn't control. Now we have open lines of communication, and everyone feels at ease with the arrangement.