What are your PTSD symptoms?

leaf

 What are your PTSD symptoms? 

When I'm having a bad attack, my symptoms include: I cringe, bend (a partial attempt to roll into a ball) and hold my breath.

Are these common symptoms? 

cmharris59

My sister had symptoms like that and her doctor told her that it was a form of panic attack.

leaf

It was a family therapist who diagnosed me.   These are just the external symptoms that people can see.

I'm going to be having a procedure on Tuesday which may very well trigger my PTSD, so I don't know how much time it will take to describe to the anesthesiologist about my symptoms.  I don't want the anesthesiologist to think I am physically having difficulty breathing and having an asthma attack or  a pulmonary embolism or something.

cmharris59

Leaf,

I hope that you can get more answers soon. Are you taking anything for the PTSD?

 I was prescribed Buspar first, then Xanax, Paxil and Buspar to control my panic attacks. My sister has been on Effexor and said that the Buspar helped her for a little while then she seemed ot become immmune to it.  Just wondering what they are trying to do to help you right now. 

I finally went to see a psychiatrist to get the right cocktail. Now I am searching for a therapist to help me work thru these issues. 

Good luck on Tuesday! I will be thinking about you. I am hoping that someone else will post here and can maybe give you  more information.

C

cmharris59

My symptoms have been insomnia, nightmares, panic attacks that can last for days and/or hours as opposed to minutes, and symptoms of extreme stress.  My panic attacks consist of me breaking into a sweat, heart pounding and an overwhelming intense fear. Mine have been so bad that I have been confined to my bed afraid to answer the phone, to call for help, to boot up the laptop, even to pick up the remote control for the TV.  Forget about going outside or having any human interaction. I had trouble just trying to figure out how to step into the bathroom to relieve myself; I could not go the kitchen to fix a drink or meal. I felt an overwhelming fear that something awful would happen if I did. I live alone and these attacks seemed very severe. My psychiatrist agreed stating that most panic attacks are over within 30 mins. He said that mine although classic in symptom were rare in duration. 

It took me three months to get diagnosed. Good luck to you.

C

leaf

Thank you, C.  I'm on sertraline (Zoloft).  The only SSRIs the FDA has approved for PTSD are Paxil and Zoloft.   (I know about the interaction with tamoxifen.  Zoloft supposedly has less interaction with tamoxifen than Paxil.  I only have LCIS, and some women chose to not have any treatment for LCIS anyways. )

I don't know how much sertraline is actually helping; my symptoms are improved vs 3 years ago, when I would do my cringies, curl up and hold my breath at every doctor's appointment.  Its so embarrassing! (I'm a pharmacist too.)

I usually just see the phrase 'PTSD symptoms', and the APA describes PTSD in terms of emotional reactions.  I know I'm going to be anxious and a lot going on emotionally; I don't want them to think a medical disaster is happening.

pabbie

Leaf, I also just changed to sertraline (zoloft). My psych thought it would help with my hot flashes.

  I'm still really jumpy. If someone comes up behind me; I always look behind me to make sure no one comes up quit to me. For people other than my husband it feels embarrassing.

And I also have the insomnia.

Good luck & take care.

susan_CNY

I take 20 mg citalopram twice a day and .5 alprazolam 3 times a day, seems to be helping a bit. I go into fetal position to sleep and jump at a mere touch (forgot what an orgasm is since my colon cancer) do not even touch my shoulder , back or elbow on affected side, watch out if you do, my elbow and knees could kill, best sleep I have is during the day if I am lucky and alone, I take the zanax, lock the doors and hope for 2 hours

leaf

Thank you so much, pabbie and Susan.  It sounds like most PTSD people are very, very 'jumpy'.  I guess this is part of the 'hypervigilence'.

My therapist speculates my trauma started very, very early so maybe that's why I have more 'primitive' reactions.

Sounds like I'd better describe my 'holding my breath', 'trouble breathing' and cringy issues to the doc.  I just wish there was more confidentiality in the pre-op area.

Your responses help me how to handle this.  Thank you again.

Best wishes on your journey with PTSD and history of cancer.

cleomoon

Leaf,

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. My stomach cringed when I read your post. I get nauseous, and hold my breath. I want to curl up in a ball. I feel unsafe and feel the need to escape. I dissociate.

I had a biopsy on a mole last Thurs and I felt the fear and did get scared. It helped a little bit to tell myself that what I am experiencing today is not what I experienced in the past. I also told myself I would be ok. I noted the differences between the current situation and the past ones.

I shared that I had anxiety and PTSD issues with the nurse. I was still emotionally exhausted after the appt and had to do my best to ground myself.

leaf

Thank you, cleomoon.

My therapist suggested  that I use 'non-loaded' terms to describe my reactions, such as 'involuntary contracture' for my cringing.

One option is to try handle stressful things with humor. I was reading an autobiography of Karen Duffy, who has a very serious, unusual disease (she was partly paralyzed) and was in the hospital for months in her 30s- she decided to handle it with humor.  They had trouble diagnosing her for at least months.   She decided to wear a 'local beauty queen' tiara and cha-cha shoes in the hospital.  She hung a picture of Dr. Kevorkian above her bed, and told the numerous doctors that if they didn't figure out what was going on, she was going to consult Dr. Kevorkian next.  One doctor commented that Dr. Kevorkian was a poor pathologist, and another doctor tore up her Dr. Kevorkian picture.  (Ms. Duffy was very amused at that.)

I at least partly succeeded at changing my name at the hospital to 'No Info', so my co-workers won't know the meds I am on.  (That is my biggest worry.)  I doubt  if I'll have the nerve to be No Info Secret Agent (or some other persona) for an hour, but its fun to think about.

Thank you all again.

leaf

It went just fine.  No PTSD symptoms, no pain, no nausea. 

I got multiple more Polly the Polyps (endometrial, that is), more 'children' (I've had 3 or 4 already, pre-tamoxifen).  They all went to the slice and dice factory.

Thank you for your good wishes.

hollyann

leaf glad to hear all went well......I never realized I even had PTSD til I read through this thread......I thought I had depression!.....WOW glad to know it is not depression cause I hated taking Lexapro......I have insomnia, panic attacks, feelings of doom and gloom and shake like a leaf (no pun intended leaf)......Now I know what I need to do and how to cope thanks to you lovely ladies.....My sisters told me that is what I had but I decided to listen to my doc instead of them .....I will be eating crow at my next visit with them...lol

cmharris59

Holly,

I am glad that you have found this thread. My doctors have all said that it is not uncommon for cancer patients to have PTSD.  Normally, I do not have a tendency for depression, but since my diagnosis, I have been a mental health train wreck. 

Leaf,

I can understand your worry about your coworkers finding out about your meds. My surgeons actually told my boss (who was present during my mx surgery) that I had come out of anesthesia, suicidal. He told her they were very concerned for my mental health! He never spoke to my niece who was also in the room waiting for me to  return from recovery. Needless to say, I don't work there anymore. Most of my former co-workers have called and you can tell from the questions that they ask that they are wondering if I am still on the edge. My surgery was almost 2 yrs ago. And yes, I am still on the edge.

C

cleomoon

Hurrah!! Leaf for getting through the procedure without the PTSD flare up. Humor helps me a lot with hard things. Don't think I will be wearing a Tiara, but you have given me food for thought, as I mentally prepare over the next few months, for the 6 month screen and the PBM. Maybe I will write a funny message on my boobs to suprise my BS before surgery.

Here's to benign Polly polyps...

hollyann

Cm hugs...I see you are in Ga too...I am in Alpahretta...Where are you...Maybe we could get together some time........It helps to have some one to talk to....I know form first hand experience.....

Leaf so glad you got thru without an episode....... Thank you so much for the PM..That means a lot to me.....The offer stands...Call me if you like.......

cleomoon write something like  "Make me pretty, doc!"........or Va va va voom!!!........LOL

Ladies I was the victim of child abuse...Sexually, mentally, physically.....When I was finally able to get away from the abusers I stayed jumpy for years.....I always looked over my shoulder cause one had said he would come looking for me if I ever left........Of course I believed it.....What a huge waste of my life!.....I feel I wasted so much time worrying about a phantom abuser that I missed out on a lot......I did not enjoy my first 15 years of adulthood......Even though I had a child during that time I could not enjoy her cause I was always afraid someone would come and taker her form me.....I finally sought help and after 10 plus years of therapy and different pills I can honestly say i can now enjoy things.......I have not enjoyed the last 3 years obviously because of cancer and losing family to cancer but at least i have enjoyed most of my freedom since leaving "home"...... Soemtimes I wonder why I am stlill here...And yes I have been suicidal...Even recently...I still have episodes but they are getting fewer and farther between each one......I wish you all peace and that you find happiness in your lives.....I have found I can control some things in my life adn what I cannot control I try to let go and not get too freaked out......I hope you all can find a way to overcome these hardships and tragedies.......

cleomoon....Fingers crossed for B9 polly polyps!......

cmharris59

Hi Holly/Lucy,

Yes I am in Ga. I am about 2 hrs due south of Athens.  I had a message earlier from Connie in Savannah and she had suggested trying to plan some kind of get together for us BC girls in GA. It would be great, but I have to say that these days just driving to Milledgeville wears me out.  If I drive to Augusta to see my PS, oncologists, or psychiatrist, it takes me about an hour before I can walk without severe leg cramps even with Percocets.

I used to love driving to Atlanta for a weekend. The Rennaisance Faire is wonderful fun. I couldn't go this year because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I also used to go the Highland Games in Stone Mtn but that is too much walking as well.  I am not rulling out a get together completely, mind you. I would love it. 

There are about half a dozen women here in town that have had BC but they do not like to talk about it. When I was first dianosed, I felt very alone - their situations seemed so much different from mine.  Frankly, I think they were in denial.

I am so sorry that you have had such a rough time in your life. Abuse takes many forms and I get the feeling that you have seen it all.  Big hugs for you!

Leaf,

I am glad that you made it without too much anxiety. Big Hugs to you as well.

Cleomoon,

Before my Uni mx, my niece made plaster casts of my torso. Then I informed my PS that I would be comparing the new me to the old me, and that he needed to get it right.  hmmmm... Is that why he has postponed my recon for so long? LOL Big hugs to you, too.

BIg hugs to all of the BC survivors fighting with depression and PTSD during the struggle against cancer.

C

leaf

No offense taken or imagined, Lucy.  In fact, the 'shaking leaf' analogy is probably one reason why I selected my avatar.

Lucy, C, cleomoon - thank you all!  It makes me feel less alone.

Lucy- C said it right-I get the feeling you have seen it all. What a life you must have lead - waiting for your abuser to come after you! It must have been awful to face raising a daughter like that. 

My therapist believes I had multiple traumas at and before the age of 5, including as a neonate (I was a 6mo 10 day preemie in the mid-1950s.  At that time, reportedly, they stuck you in an incubator and left you alone for a few days.  When they opened up the incubator, you were either alive or dead.  She speculates that's why I have 'trouble breathing' as one of my symptoms.  I know that the sound of escaping gas/air drives me up the wall (presumably from the oxygen in the incubator).  Of course, I had no idea as a neonate that the nurses were trying to save my life.  I was in the hospital for 6 months.  I then went home to a dysfunctional family.  Presumably most preemies went home to a more functional family, so they could heal mentally.

In the early 1960s, there was a 'fad' that giving preemies epsom salts enemas would help them to breathe and survive.  That didn't last too long when, after several months, they found they didn't survive.  They really didn't know how to handle preemies. 

But those experiences must have been a piece of cake compared to what was happening to preemies in the 1980s/early 1990s.  There are incidences where they were doing procedures to move ribs around (to insert a catheter) in neonates without anesthesia of any kind (the babies were 'too fragile' to handle anesthesia).  I guess they thought that the neonate's nervous system was too under-developed to experience pain.   Now, in fragile adults, if it is deemed the patient cannot handle anesthesia, the procedure just doesn't get done.

Lucy, cleomoon, C-Then there was the sexual abuse at age 5.  My therapist feels there was worse at an earlier age. My family was so dysfunctional, I didn't know it could be classified as sexual abuse until I was 52, at my PTSD diagnosis. (I thought it wasn't abuse unless penetration was involved.)  That includes 25 years with a single psychologist from age 17-46.  She did encourage me to see another therapist, but never diagnosed me with PTSD, or spelled out the consequences of my choice. (I tried seeing someone else for a few visits, but we didn't click, I was grateful for what I got with my original therapist.) She never dealt with the trauma with my father. I thought I just had the psychological makeup that I wasn't supposed  to have any sexual  or romantic feelings towards anyone.

I started seeing another therapist at age 52, and my pre-requisite was that we deal with my trauma. (This was after my traumatic breast wire insertion at age 51.  The next biopsy I had (mammogram, stereotactic), I pulled out of the mammo machine when they were trying to inject anesthesia.  It hurt, and I silently cried through that one.)

C- I am aghast!! How in the world could your surgeons tell your boss that you were suicidal after your operation (regardless of whether or not you were)?  Talk about a confidentiality breach!!  If they were concerned, they would of course be recommending to you or your GP that you get mental health help.  That would have tossed me off the deep end, for sure. My boss doesn't even know about my scleroderma. They have never heard of HIPPA????  Big, big hugs!!!

I wanted to change my name to 'No Info' at my procedure yesterday because I work at the place I had my procedure. At my last procedure (breast excision), the night before, I had a message from my co-worker that 'Tommy, the radiology clerk [friends with a co-worker, with whom I had exchanged a total of about 3 sentences in the last 25 years, who had seen my face sheet with my LCIS diagnosis], wishes you well on your procedure, and recommends that you have bilateral mastectomies because a co-worker had LCIS and that's what she did." 

Not so wonderful when you are already having flashbacks, cringing, etc. and don't know where they are from.  Yesterday, I tried to explain to my nurses why I wanted anonymity, and they said, 'Well, if they meant well that's one thing, but if they are just curious,...'  No, that's not it.  I don't care if they meant well. It still is traumatic to essentially have a male stranger recommend at work that you have your private parts removed.

I hope some radiologists at my facility will someday understand that when you have a traumatic experience, it colors the way you will experience future tests.

As C so well said, " Big hugs to all of the BC survivors fighting with depression and PTSD during the struggle against cancer."

Pat634

I'm tense, easily angered, everything makes me cry, etc when close to or waiting for results of: labs, exams, mammos. Also I'm afraid to consider myself a "survivor" so I say I've been treated for breast cancer. And I can never bring myself to use the words cancer and free in the same sentence. I was diagnosed 9/19/08 and my treatment ended 8/3/09

NativeMainer

I can't sleep, have panic attacks, and crying jags out of the blue.  The month before every medical appointment the sleeplessness and anxiety start to escalate, to the point of needed xanax to get any sleep at all. Takes a double dose to get me into a doctor's office even after 3 years, and more than that to get me through anything involving a needle.  Like Pat634 I can't think of myself as cancer survivor.  I do think of myself as a cancer treatment survivor.  The hardest part for me is when someone doesn't understand that treatment isn't "over" and that the emotional piece is still huge.  Whenever my mother says "Isn't it time you got over all that?"  or "I don't understand why you aren't more positive, more like your father when he had cancer."  Makes me feel like I can't even have cancer the right way. . .

eastender

I feel alone!  I read the discussion boards all the time and have found them very helpful.  Thank you.  I am reaching out now....I cannot stop crying, I feel very vunerable, confused, insecure etc.  I had clean margins on the 2nd surgery now on to radiation start tomorrow!  I am currently taking antidepressants and Dr. says it is normal to feel this way...I cannot function - I hate this.  My s/o seems to think that I should be jumping around the house as I am "cancer free" but I am not!  Is anyone else going through this?

NativeMainer

Eastender--you are not alone.  I felt that way all through rads and for a good year after, and still do from time to time.  The people in our lives who have never had bc don't understand that it's not like taking out an appendix--an appendix doesn't send out cells to lurk in our bodies and maybe show up again. Next time hubby says "cancer-free" remind him that bc is NEVER considered cured, only in remission.  When you go in for rads ask to speak to a social worker--every cancer center has to have specially trained social workers available to help with this kind of thing, but you have to ask for the help, it won't be automatically offered--even if you run out of the room crying and shaking in a panic attack like I did.  How long have you been on the antidepressant?  It can take up to 8 weeks for the effects to be felt.  This is a very hard time, I know how you feel, and so do many others here.  You are not alone.  {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

eastender

NativeMain-

Thank you for your post.  You are right this time is extremely hard.  Yesterday I could not even talk without crying, I spent the day on the couch!!  When I went for the initial appointment for the rads (when they mark you up like a dart board!) I did reach out and ask for help, hopefully they will give me a name today and then move forward.  The meds are wellbutrin and pristique - I have always suffered with depression - but this is worse than postpartum - nothing seems to be holding me in one place - if you get my meaning.  My doctor increased all my doses but it does not seem to do anything -- patience I say which is not my middle name...lol  I am expected to get up in the morning and life is back to normal, I wish it was but this miserable disease will always be in our lives, even if you are in remission.  We all need to write a book on "what to expect emotionally...after the DX"  Thank you for connecting with me.  I will let you know how the appointment goes.

NativeMainer

eastender--I too, had depression before bc  During the course of surgery and rads I was struggling dispite being on medication that had me well controlled before.  I was fortunate--my PCP recognized what was going on and doubled my dose.  No messing around with incremental increases.  It took a month, but it made a big difference.  I, too, spent days where I would cry if somebody looked at me, or if somebody didn't look at me, or if I thought somebody was going to look at me. . . . Every once in a while (on days when I have multiple medical appointments) I still get that way.  And wouldn't I just love to get up tomorrow morning and have my life back to normal.  I haven't found anything resembling a "new normal" yet, begiinning to think that "normal" is nothing I will ever have again, but it has gotten easier to live with, and I am getting more and more of my pre-bc life back.  Maybe when recon is done it there will be more "normal" in my life.  Like you I am not blessed with a large store of patience.  Sometimes I wonder if bc is how God decided to teach me patience!  Hang in there, let us know how you are doing! 

eastender

Good Morning NativeMainer,

I had first rads yesterday, one down 32 to go!  It is so interesting sometimes - when you tell people that you are in remission, the natural response is well you are over the worst of it now - the rest should easy!  AH....you just sit there and say yeah...thinking to yourself you have absolutely noooo idea what being dx with cancer is like - from the first day of dx and for the rest of your life you will always be in submission and at some stage your are a survivor.  When are you a survivor?  I get so angry and frustrated with all of this.  At the moment I am not working, still on sick leave.  I am enjoying my time running around doing household errands and having dinner ready for the family, it will be tough for me to go back on Friday.  Enjoy your day and keep smiling. -- Eastender

NativeMainer

eastender--good luck with rads--sounds like your are off to a good start!  It's true that no one really understands what it's like to be diagnosed with cancer.  I still don't think of myself as a survivor--a survivor is someone who has been through something and come out the other side.  I'm never going to get out the other side of this--it's always going to be with me.  And that makes me really, really mad sometimes, and really, really sad sometimes.  All part of the package, I guess.  Good luck going back to work, I'm sure you'll feel better when you get back to a more familiar routine.  I couldn't work during rads and got really isolated and depressed--it will be so much better for you being able to work at the same time.  Good for you!

eastender

NativeMainer - I have just completed the 2nd weeks of rads and the fatigue is really whipping me - especially working full time too!  I depression is handled with care and drugs!  I try and watch comedy shows.  Monday and Tuesday the fatigue is OK Wednesday thru Friday I am absolute toast!  Four weeks to go!  I hope you are doing well, let me know how you are doing!

REKoz

I am on effexor and that helps keep me from sinking below ground even though it was perscribed for hot flashes (works wonderfully for that as well.)

My largest issue as far as PTSD is that I have yet to find the person that I was. Some of that person will NEVER come back. I will never again be as "carefree" as I once was. I also just can't seem to get back into some of the things that I used to love. I no longer feel joy in the same way...if in fact I feel joy at all. I do try to keep my mind on gratitude as things could be worse but that does not necessarily make me a happy, joyful person. Right now, I just feel like I am existing and trying to finally finish up this recon process. I have learned to not allow my expectations to get too high in any regard. Especially as far as bc. My exchange is next month (after a year) and I surely hope that once that is completed, I may be able to move on in a more satisfactory way.I know that it will never be completely over unless I get something else that could kill me! There defintely needs to be more attention paid to the after effects of all this! Especially for us early stagers who many consider "all better" once treatment is over!

eastender

REKoz...

From sinking...I know the feeling!  There are days that I fight the "dark clouds" that hang over me!  I am two weeks into rads and am feeling pretty low.  (I have worked full-time thru all of this!) I have started counseling and am feeling good about my decision.  I am learning that my perspective are changing or have changed to the relationship that you might be or not be in, how you look at other people.  It does not matter whether the cancer is small or large, we all hear the words "You have Breast Cancer" and the world just stops, and you walk around in a daze for days after that!  The same for "getting the old you back" we all have to find a new person.  I have been told that we have to find a new normal, and that to tell you is the hard part for me!  I want to wake up and feel the new normal - we are too hard on ourselves - we have to be patient and do what makes us feel good.  There is a new normal out there.  We will never get over bc, it will always be on the back burner and we have to find a way to deal with that too!  Let me know how you are doing....

scar1888

Eastender,

I just read your post from years ago and wondered how you're doing. I hope well! I'm a stage 3 survivor of 23

years but, as nutty as it sounds, on days that I'm SEVERELY fatigued, I still spiral downward. Let me hear from you!

Linda