Cancer is a lonely experience ...

mumito

What a great thread I stumbled upon today. Only you ladies can understand our fears and how we hide them from everyone else sometimes even from our loved ones. Our outward appearance is not always how we feel.

charmd

Lottie:

LOL till I pee my pants.  We can line them up and have a bitch slap fest.

Hang in there.

Hugs. 

lottie

Ready when you are, charmd!

Makratz

Can I slap them too!  Great therapy!!

sheila888

Lottie,I keep coming back and reading your post over and over again. LOL the last 2 hours. You are funny, I also dreamed about putting some neighbors, old fashioned relatives ( They cant even use the actual word they call it the bad sickness) on that line.

You really made my day. I think we are handling it better than those who are so uncomfortable just talking to us.

Be Well my friends

 Sheila

lovemyfamilysomuch

Slapped down like dominos. . .  what me angry??? xo

hrf

Thanks for starting this thread alienroc. I have been reading all the posts and am surprised but grateful to know that I am not alone in how I feel. I won't repeat what many of you have written but I'll just say that there are days when I can't get myself together. I cry at the drop of a hat. While I have much to be grateful for, I keep thinking about all I have lost because of this f#$%*&g disease.....my career, my relationship, my self esteem, my confidence just to name a few things. I no longer look at the future in any positive way. I am no longer the person I was. I went through a first dx a few years ago - I stayed positive and put it behind me once I was done tx. But it hit me again and now I don't think I can pull myself back up because time I have lost so much.

lottie

so nice to have a laugh, and I don't think there's anything wrong w/ finding a humorous outlet for our anger! We know we'd never ever wish this on anyone else and I do have compassion for those that just don't get it, but, ... sometimes a slap or a swift kick in the ass is appropriate!

cmharris59

OMG I hate that remark, too! You should be grateful... They should be grateful that we are too sick and tired LITERALLY to b%^^ slap them! LOL I loved that post. Unfortunately, the ones that I heard it from the most were the other breast cancer survivors! How dare they?  I know a few of them had mastectomies and I would have thought that they would understand... but no... One of the worst things I had said to me, since I am single and was in my 40s at the time of dx, was:

"Well, since you aren't going to have children, you don't need them anyway!"

At least that is the one that I can think of right now. I know there were way too many for me to write here and if they weren't worse they were just as bad.

Take care and know that you are not alone,

C

leaf

 Some people just can't think outside their own shoes.  Maybe they don't have the ability to have empathy. What a horrible thing to say! I would be very angry and hurt.

It makes such a difference when people understand!

cmharris59

It does amaze me sometimes that some people can be so dense to the other person's situation. Sometimes I wonder if I have just had the rotten luck to have everyone that I meet have the IQ and common sense of a gnat. If only they were that size. I have the energy to slap a gnat.

Jean09

cmharris59 - LOL!  That's too funny!!  I have the energy to slap a gnat too!!  I think I could slap 50 gnats - bring em on!!  Thank you - I needed that!

AussieSheila

So.o.o.o. ladies, how does one go about b!tch slapping anyway?  Does it take practice?  The truth as I see it is that you all have about as much experience as two bunnies I saw recently.  They were chasing each other in long grass near a railway station, when suddenly they stopped, stood up on their haunches and started to slap at each others faces for about five minutes.  I have never laughed so hard in all my life! 

I think we might have a better result if we could find words that would put these women in their places.  I suspect that, like me, most of you only find those words hours later and, due to brain fog, I can never remember them when the next occasion arises.

Sheila.

cmharris59

Sheila, LMAO! 2 bunnies slapping each other! If I had seen that someone probably would have slapped ME for being hysterical! What a great story! Wish I could have been there! Instead I am here with the gnat-brains.

Jean, Glad you could get a laugh out of my gnat slapping!

lottie

and then there are the other kind of women, like the one I just visited, on her way this afternoon to 3 weeks in hospital for a stem cell transplant to treat a rare and always fatal cancer. She fed me a lovely lunch, a yummy cocktail (I know, I know) and hugged me silly and told me chemo would suck but I'd make it through fine. I'm home now ready for a nap w/ one boob but something tells me, very loudly, that I'm the lucky one.

cmharris59

How true Lottie and well said!

Of the local women with breast cancer that I was told to contact, the empathetic one was the woman that had the worst experience of them all and she still maintained a great attitude and had a lot to give in terms of support. We are still in contact regularly and she has just had a recurrence. So yes some days, I, too, do feel very lucky, also.  I wish that I could be half as supportive. AND half as optimistic!

C

dreaming

I suggest to attend a support group, it works after all this years for me, I do not talk about my breast cancer at work, I work with cancer patients, and because I am a very private person , I do not want to be identified by my health, it is part of my life experience but it is not me.

In my support group I can hear and vent if I want to.. they are in my shoes and I in them.

cmharris59

Support groups are wonderful! I wish that there was one in my area! Unfortunately, in my neck of the woods, they are nonexistent! I am glad that you have found one! I know from past experience that they are a great help. It is a great way to talk about the issues and vent without having to talk to coworkers or friends.

C

lottie

I haven't looked into support groups but I know there are some available to me. The forums available here have really been a life-line for me. But, I think I will check into a group soon. I'm at that point where friends and family have probably heard enough and I'm tired of listening to myself too!

Estepp

Cmharris... C..

I just want to pass on a huge hug.. (((((((((HUGGGGGGGGG))))))))))))))))  to another her2+ gal that has the pain.. and neropothy(sp)... I just wanted to validate you.

I hope you can heal someday SOON!

kawee

The thing is I always sort of realized some of my friends were shallow and self centered, and I am beginnng to see they are not the kind of friends I really want in my life.  Sort of scary, I'm afraid when all this is over, I won't have many left.  Having cancer has made me take a good look at my life and my relationships.  It has brought me alot closer to my daughter.  She has been GREAT, so has my husband.  My sister has really suprised me, she has stepped way back.  I think she's afraid to hear about it, afraid she'll get it.  I have dropped large hints to my cousin whom I have done tons of things for, that I needed a little help because my husband's birthday is coming up and I didn't have the energy to do a few things I wanted to do.  She just continued on talking about the face lift she wants to get.  All in all, I think alot of good will come out of this "experience".  Maybe that's what we can all hang on to.     

AussieSheila

Girls, have you ever considered that some of your friendships may have reach their 'use-by' dates before your dx?  I think we sometimes hang onto friendships longer than we should and we might be better off if we let them 'slide.'  Most people seem to reduce their social circles as they get older, and only have a hand-full of real 'friends' from their fifties onwards.  Most of our friendships are made during an association with work, hobbies, children, sports, etc., as we move onto other things, the common bond gradually dissolves until we find that we have nothing in common with a lot of the people whom we then come to see as 'acquaintances'.

Add to that, we don't get to choose our families, so we have to relate to them whether we like it or not. 

Let's face it the Breast Cancer Club is not one which we choose to join, is it?  None of our friends or relatives want to join the club with us, to show solidarity for us.  So it becomes a solitary journey until we meet the sister-hood of many other reluctant BC club members.  Like any group we are members of, it is the common interest of the group that holds it together.  I'm sure we've all been members of one group or another and then our interests change and we drop out. 

Twenty years ago, when my 10 yr old daughter was recovering from the brain damage done by a malignant brain tumour, she attended camps for children with cancer, where they were spoiled rotten.  She would tell the class about it when she returned and some girls wanted to be her best 'friends' afterwards, in order to attend the camps with her.  I told her to tell them that they had to have the proper ticket to go to the camps.  That ticket was cancer! Funny how those friends melted away after she told them that.

I believe that, because our membership of this club is so personal and private, it is almost impossible to find even one or two people outside of this experience, who can empathise with us. If we do find such a person they are worth more than their weight in gold.  The others? Let them lapse. You have enough toxins to deal with, you don't need any more.

Sheila.

kawee

AussieSheila - Thank you, beautifully and wisely put.

MBCR

CHER07: I had a lumpectomy in April & my rads in june/july. I am still very tired & cry at least once a day. I was planning on going back to work in Sept (It's veryy boring being home). Last night i feel down a flight of stairs injuring my arm & shoulder on the same side as my lumpectomy. I finally got 90% of my range of motion & strength back to lose it again. I'm in a lot of pain, more than post-op. Sometimes i feel like I just can't get a break

hrf

I've started discussions about going back to work.....will start off part time in the middle of October and try to work myself up to full time by January. But, I have no motivation to go back to work (which I used to love) nor do I have motivation to do anything. Most days I want to hide under the covers and not have contact with anyone. My arm healed well after surgery but since the rads it is sore all over again and I have a lump just above my elbow which I noticed just a few days ago. The lump seems to be just under my skin and is somewhat visible - looks like some sort of an insect bite but it's not itchy.

cakeisgreat

Hrf--I feel the same way about work.  I used to love my job, and I should be excited to go back to work when this is all done, but I have no desire.  My hubby says I dont have to because right now his job is stable (I am very fortunate) but I feel guilty if I dont.  Maybe it's just part of the ups and downs that everyone is feeling?  The loneliness?  Strange enough, a gal at my job got dx'd with BC two months before me, and same stage, etc.  She told no one for awhile, then I happened to sit next to her at a lunch, and she told me everything.  I remember thinking, "I hope I never get BC!" only to find out literally two weeks later that I had BC!!

I feel like crawling under a rock.  Maybe it's just depression, but I'd rather not work and stay home and clean my house/take care of my family...that's it.  Nice and slow.  Is this normal?  Should I go back to work to be around people?  It is so hard when your life is one way one moment, then totally different literally within 24 hours!

Thanks everyone for posting!!!

Jean09

Hi Ladies,



I agree, I have no desire to go back to work. I did love my job, but it's what they are doing to me since I was diagnosed. They have changed their short term & long term disability policy while I am in the middle of receiving the benefits. Short term was changed to three months, then they changed long term to three months, and if your not back to work after threee months of long term you are involuntarily terminated.



I am now off short term and have not received my long term benefits yet. The insurance company keeps extending their investigation per a law of the Dept of Labor. They have all my medical records, they are just dragging their feet. AND, I am now required to go on COBRA one month before my involuntary termination date. I have to pay the full premium for now, but I know that once I am involuntarily terminated, I will qualify for the lower premium per policy changes implemented by Obama regarding COBRA.



As far as my job goes, I dont trust the company. The other day the HR dept told me I could come back part time, that would save me from being terminated. However, I am almost sure they would advise me to sign on as a a contractor and I would not have access to benefits OR they would find some way to get rid of me and not have to pay benefits. At this company you have to work 32 hours a week to get benefits, That's not "part time" if you ask me. I also inquired about FMLA upon my return and the response was FMLA runs consecutive with disabilty and would not be an option for me upon return.



I have had some complications from the surgery and chemo so I am sure I will be going the involuntary termination route. Onc said he will not release me until I am 100%.

don23

Cakeisgreat - going back to work at least keeps your mind off of things for a while. When you're there working, you're not thinking about bc. I know it helped me to go back to work. Lately though I don't feel like doing anything. I have been getting very weepy and I don't like. I have only been on tamoxifen for about a month so I hope that is a side effect that eventually fades away. I really don't like to take to friends and family all the time about how I feel so I have been holding it in. I am trying to find a support group in my area. Hopefully that might help. But one thing I do know is if I didn't go to work I would probably be more depressed.

cakeisgreat

don23, Thanks for the advice.  I was thinking the same thing about work...that maybe it'll help keep my mind off of things, right?  I havent started Tomox (surgeon said to wait till rads done), and I am not looking forward to the "weepies" that I hear is going on. 

Jean09--eek, sounds like you're going through the ringer!!!  It's disheartening that employers sort of "change" things as soon as someone ends up with a hard time.  It'd be lovely if they could figure something out which helps keep the company stable from increased premiums but at the same time show their employees that they actually care about the individuals that work there!!!

cinderella_1950

ailenroc

You are not alone, I assure you! My hubby had just left me for about a year when I was diagnosed with bc. My mom had just passed away prior to that. So, the pain of both losses still weighed heavily on me. I have 9 siblings and I can't say that not even ONE cared what I was going through. I did have one sister who took me to see my onc, but that was it.  I took myself to my own chemo treatments, brought myself home and looked after myself. Not one sibling called me to see how I was doing or asked if there was anything they could do...not one!  One of my sons was great, however...when the treatments were done, he came and got me and I stayed with him and his wife for about a month, and that was a treat.  I also have another son and daughter...I know they love me, but they really weren't there for me either. 

It was a VERY lonely time for me.  Thank God I did have this one special friend who did do some cooking for me...she even bought me some new pj's, bought me a heart shaped box of chocolates on Valentines day...she is a very rare person!  You know, if any of my other 4 sisters, OR my brothers for that fact, got cancer...I know I'd go out of my way to help all I can.  I never thought how selfish my siblings were until I had bc. We were brought up better than that...something went terribly wrong along the way and I think it's jealousy and greed (with our parents things).

Unfortunately, to this very day, they are still fighting over mom and dad's things.  I do not care for material things... what I treasure the most were the precious times I spent with them...and you can't put any price tag on that.  Please, I don't mean to be bragging here...I'm just stating what I experienced, and like I said, to this very day...we're all divided over the estate.  I do not care if I don't get one penny...and they got mad at me when I didn't go to the reading of the will...."4 hours" after dad was buried!  I was far from ready for that..I was still in deep mourning!

Wow, I didn't mean to be so long winded.  Anyway, I'm SO glad I found this site.  I am learning so much about you all...and it's been a great help to me.  Thank you...to you all!!!