How can I be there when I'm not there?

want2support

My sister-in-law (I'll call her K, married to my brother for almost 27 years) seemed to have a great prognosis in June 2008. She was diagnosed Jan 2007, did chemo (herceptin), did radiation, and ended up having the breast removed anyway. June 2008 she was given a great prognosis and she had reconstruction. A few months later she, my brother, and their kids were in the car and someone ran a red light or stop sign and hit K's door. They were all ok, for the most part, but because K took most of the impact she had some lower back problems in the months following which resulted in PT for a while. The back got better and she seemed on the road to a cancer free healthy life. In Mar/Apr her back/hips were hurting. She thought it was from the accident. Turns out her cancer is now in her pelvis and liver. My neices are 13 and nephew 15. My sis-in-law is a very stoic and private person though I think she is slighly more open with me than my other siblings. I live in the UK and want so desperately to do something to be there, for her, for my brother, and for the kids, even though I'm not physically there. She is now receiving weekly herceptin/navilbene treatments which seemed to make her feel better initially but killed her white count so she has not been able to have the treatment for 2 wks now. Sorry, I know this is long, but I just want to give some background and say that I'm doing research to understand the medical stuff but what I really need to understand, from those of you going through cancer, is what helps you? What do your loved ones need to understand so that they say and do the right things at the right times? And for my situation, what can I do from afar? I have thought of sending a house cleaner every other week or hiring a chef to cook a couple of times a week. Please, educate me.

lisa-e

You are a wonderful SIL. It is hard to know what to do from afar, but I think your idea of arranging for some household help or someone to cook would be very helpful.

Makratz

I agree with Lisa, you are a wnderful SIL!!  I really appreciated it when people would make a meal or send a gift card to a local restaurant.  I just did not have the energy to cook and clean for my kids.  You are a wonderful person.  I will keep your family in my prayers.

want2support

Thanks so much to both of you! It really helps to know that there are things that I can do even though I'm not there. And wow, MAkraz, I just realized that you are from MA, I am too and my Brother & SIL live in Randolph. Small world. Anyway, thanks again for the kind words and encouragement, you ladies are an inspiration and I wish you success in treatment and good health

xpectmiracles

Want2support, bless you and your family. I think what was already shared is great. I want to add that keeping in touch through email, phone, webcam, etc. has been very helpful for me. This diagnosis has scared some people out of my life, I just don't hear from them anymore. But, there are others who have really been there for me in the ways mentioned above. I appreciate it so much! You are in my prayers. (oh, prayer helps, too!)

rkt

Dear Wanttosupport,

Your sister is very blessed to have you. I have a sister who has really come through for me.  When first diagnosed, I would look around house and see all sorts of things i wanted to do, but just couldn't because I didn't feel up to it.  My sister came down and spent 1 week, 2 separate times, doing these things. It really made me feel better. She and my nephew also went with me and my youngest to get her moved to college two states away - I couldn't have done it alone -

Second, I had a good friend who went on sabbatical fall 2008 semester.  Every couple of weeks I would get a postcard, or card telling me she was thinking of me.  What a boost to my spirits!  When she finished a book with a strong female character, it would be put in the mail to me. 

It is often just the little things that remind me that others are thinking of me that make me feel stronger and better able to fight this disease. 

Will keep you and your sister in my prayers.

Becky

hotandcold

The best thing anybody did for me was they sent a house cleaner to my house about  6 months after I started this battle.  I kept insisting I didn't need it, but I did and my house needed it.   My Aunt sent me a card every week or 2 for the past 6 months.  It wasn't what they said, so much as she sent one about every 2 weeks. Sometimes she sent a humorous story. With cancer in the house, laughter seems to go out the window.   Remember her kids too !  Call and talk to them or send a card.  I cry every time I think about the neighbor who came and took my 17 year old daughter to dinner a couple of times and told my daughter she could call her if she ever needed to talk.  My daughter did call her a couple of times. 

Corrine   

want2support

You Ladies have been a wealth of fantastic insight! I sent a meal and even though they had meals sent from so many others that are geographically closer to them K told me that it was helpfull to have meals in the freezer for the kids to just take out and heat up. I am going to spend a week at the end of August with them, can't wait to just take the kids out for some FUN!! K is now on a pill form of chemo and a pain patch, she says she feels so much better and she sounds so much better!! She's just having the skin problems on the soles of her feet that I read about...shit. When I'm visiting I'm just going to be who I am and not tippy toe around the obvious and I hope I say the right thing more than I might say the wrong thing  Any advice on talking to teenagers about their Mom's Dx?

lisa-e

Before you talk to the kids about their Mom's Dx, I think it would be a good idea to talk their parents and find out what they have been told.    It may be that your SIL and brother don't think it is a good idea to be totally forthcoming with the kids.  They may be censoring the information the kids get.  If so, you would want to know.  On the other hand, the kids may be fully informed.  In either case, I think the kids will let you know if they want to talk with you.