My Mom Passed Away

Dealingwmd

My mom passed away about two weeks ago after battling Breast Cancer for a little under 9 years, she's been in and out of remission had a double mastectomy and did about two rounds of chemo and a round of radiation for the past 7 years. In late September of 2008 she had a small seizure and passed out, we found out that she had tumors in her brain, she did a round of radiation and spent Thanksgiving in the hospital because of a bout of pneumonia but rallied like she always has. 

 

Her brain tumor and cancer markers went down but in March of this year new tumors had appeared, her doctor told us she was terminal and we should just put her in a hospice, but we opted for a second opinion and her new oncologist said she was treatable as well as her radiologist. She started treatments for her brain immediately but she had been complaining about her back, she had intense pain one morning and we took her to the hospital in April, where it was discovered that cancerous lesions were on her 10th vertebrae. The doctors in the hospital were not very polite and lacked bed side manner though there were a few nurses who were wonderful. Her oncologist and radiologist suggested she continue her treatment with her spine as an addition. My mom came home and gratefully I was let go from my job so I was able to be her main caregiver along with my sister (our whole family actually, my dad, sister and brother). 

 

Beginning in the hospital she began seeing people who were not in the room or visible to us, this continued when she came home, she would have conversations with my grandmother and uncles all of whom have passed on. She had days where she would want to move around but days when she just didn't want to do anything, we figured because of the pain from her condition, but encouraged her to try because we wanted her to get better so badly. About two weeks ago I went to the bathroom and told her I would be right back, she rubbed on me as I stood next to her bed and said ok. When I came back about twenty minuets later, I realized she wasn't breathing and tried CPR but she wasn't responsive, my sister called 911 and they were there within minuets but couldn't bring her back. 

 

She had a smile on her face and I know she waited for me to leave and saw her mom and brother as well as the Lord. She was an amazing, loving and caring person, a wonderful wife and mother for 37 years, a warrior who didn't let the effects of breast cancer define her and a friend and comfort to everyone she knew. My mom was everything to me, she knew me like the back of her hand and I have never been away from her or my family for more than a month (college) and ever since she passed I have trouble sleeping(I would stay up with her at night to watch over her and get her anything she needed as well as make sure she didn't fall out the hospital bed we had set up for her at home). I am also angry and miss her so much and cant comprehend how to make it without her. 

 

I just find it so unfair that she had to go the same way her mother did (neither my siblings or myself met either one of our grandmothers and now our children wont have a chance to know our mom). I know she isn't in anymore pain and is in a better place but I still hurt and am sad that my mommy is no longer here. I’m 23 years old and know that I am “grown” but I was the youngest and was very close to my mom I depended on and loved her very much. I feel guilty I left her and went to the bathroom even though I know I wouldn't have been able to stop her passing. It just hurts so bad and my tears flow sporadically through the day sometimes I have headaches and sit staring thinking about her for blocks of time, can anyone give me advice on how to cope and deal with my loss. I would appreciate any comments.

 

Thank you very much

 

~Elle

Laura3

Elle......I am so very sorry for your loss.  I have a 23 year old daughter that I am very close to, so I completely understand your feelings.  She and my other daughters had a very hard time at my diagnosis. 

It sounds like your sweet mother raised a very strong women, with a lot of compassion.  Even without your mother's presence your children will benefit from her wisdom.  She is in your soul and your loving heart. 

I have a very dear friend who lost both of her parents within 2 months.  I picked her up from the airport to get her to her fathers bedside.  She watered the flowers outside to calm down before she drove to the hospital.  She missed his passing by 10 minutes.  Like you she was devastated. She then thought about how her father lived his life, always protecting his children and never wanting to cause them any pain.  He chose to pass away on those terms, he did not want her to be there at that moment.  He felt it would be too much for her to handle.  Maybe this is what was best for your mother.  She loved you so much, she thought it was the best for both of you.

Please let that moment of you leaving go, I know it will be hard, but it will help you to grieve the way you should, with out any guilt.  

I will be thinking and praying for you to find some peace in the loss of your sweet mother.  Be gentle with yourself and don't expect too much too soon.  Surround yourself with friends and family who will let you experience all the emotions you need to no matter how much, or what time you need too. 

Keep In Touch.....God Bless, Laura

Nanalinda

Elle:  I am so sorry for your loss.  It sounds to me that your mother was very lucky to have such a loving daughter and family.  Do not feel guilty that she passed while you were in the bathroom as she knew you were near.  The loss of a parent is so hard to deal with.  I lost my father a few years ago, and I was "daddy's girl".  I thought I was going to die right along with him.... my heart was broken.  I can tell you that the pain eases with time, and instead of thinking about your mothers death, you will think about her life and the good times you had together.  That will make the grief easier to bear.  I read a great idea on one of these posts to someone who had lost a mother, and the person (I don't remember who it was so I can't give her credit) suggested that she have a quilt made from her mother's clothing so she could always feel close to her.  If you don't quilt, maybe you could find someone who could do it for you.  I really wish I had a quilt from my Dad's favorite clothes to cuddle up next to when I feel down.  Let the love that you had for your mother help you through this time of grief.  You are a good daughter, and again.... I am very sorry for your loss.  Linda

hollyann

Elle I am so sorry you lost your mother to this nasty beast.......I too lost my mother to this disease...I was 8 yrs old....I was by her bedside and it has haunted me to this day.......I remember her dying not living......At least this way you can remember how she was before she was ill and not how she was when she died..........I am still grieving and porbably will til I die too.........This is an extremely difficult time for you......Just be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up.....There is a reason you were not allowed to be there....I have a 17 yr old daughter and I am very close to her.....I truly dread the day I have to say goodbye to her for ever..........It will be bittersweet but she will survive...........Gentle hugs to you dear sister Elle...........

marlenet

Dealingwmd

I am so very sorry for your loss.  My heart goes out to you and your family.  You mother was a very lucky lady to have such a sweet and caring daughter.  I too have a daughter and I am very close to her.  My mother and I also share the same bound, very very close.  I  Your mother will always be with you no matter where she is.  God belss....Marlenet

LRM216

You wrote a beautiful tribute to your mother.  You had a wonderful mom, and she has a wonderful daughter as well.  May God surround you with love and strength at this time of your tremendous loss.

Linda

lizws

Ellie,

It's okay to be angry.  Remembering your mom and the good times you shared will help you through this.  You will always have times you think of her and will always miss her.  There will be times where you're somewhere and think you "saw" her on another aisle.  I do this a lot with my dad.  He always saw and visited with those who had passed before him.  It comforted me to know that they were there and waiting for him with open arms and love. 

Take each hour/day at a time.  Here's a hug cyber hug to you sweetie.  I know this is so hard on you. 

Liz

Leah_S

I am so sorry for your loss.

Please try to get rid of the guilt. You did everything you could for your mother. She did what she could for you - she left while you wree not there to see her pain.

May G-d bless you.

Leah

Route53

Elle,

I agree with Liz.  Take your time to grieve, but do not punish yourself.  Those extra 9 years you got were a gift.  Last year I saw a mom who fough cancer for 6 years leave behind two sons 11 and 4 and last night I visited with the father of my son's classmate who has two weeks to live and is leaving behind a 9 and 5 year old. 

Know that you gave your mother memories and the knowledge she left you as an adult and able to be on your own.  She got to see her daughter grow old enough and strong enough to feel safe.

Our thoughts are with ou and your family

Erik (Route53)

http://route53.wordpress.com

dkhancock1948

Elle:

My sympathy goes out to you and your family.  I know it is hard to lose parents.  You are never ready for them to go.  I was a few years older than you when my dad passed away.  That was in 1977.  He was 72.  He just sat down and died.  He was by himself and also had a smile on his face.  I remember I couldn't believe the world was still going on.  I thought, my dad died, why doesn't the world stop.  As everyone has said, time does help.  My mother died in on Christmas, 1995.  My first grandson was born 11 1/2 weeks early on the day of her funeral.  I look at Justice and know exactly how long my mother has been gone.  Even after 13 years, there are times I think I will call my mother and tell her something.  Some habits never go away.  I was close to her. My husband passed away on Thanksgiving 2006.  He didn't have cancer but had major health problems.  Even though I know it is better for him, I miss him terribly.

As the others have said, please do not feel guilt for anything for your mom.  What a tribute you wrote.  My mother was 84, but I made major decisions regarding her IV, her insulin, her breathing mask.  Even though I knew she had a stroke that had hit her brain stem, I felt guilt for her death.  Don't do this to yourself.  You were an exceptionaly daughter and friend to your mom. 

I also have a daughter that I am close to.  She is 31.  She went back to school to be a radiology tech and graduated a year ago June.  She was the one who came to my house the day after I had my second mammogram, ultra sound and core biopsies.  She was the one who told me that I had breast cancer.  She knew all day.  It had to be hard for her.  She didn't say anything until I sat down and then we cried.  Like you, she is a good friend.

I remember that for about 3 months after my father died, I felt his presence so strong that I thought I would see him if I turned around.

You and your family will be in my prayers.  It is okay to feel angry.  Don't deny your feelings.  Keep writing them here as well as talking to others.  Don't keep them in.  I still write letters to my husband.  It helps me when my feelings overwhelm me.  Debbie

((((((((((Hugs, Elle and the rest of your family))))))))))

Dealingwmd

Thank you all so much for your touching words and support. I'm still feeling the pain but your words truly have eased some of my concerns and grief, God Bless you all and thank you so very much.

dkhancock1948

Thank you for writing again.  You are in my prayers, as well as your family.  I know this is an extremely hard time.  Please come back, as often as you need to, to write to us.  This is a safe place and you can say what you what and need to.  God's Blessings be to you and your family in all the times ahead.  Debbie

hollyann

Elle so glad you came back for the suport you need.....We are here for you......

footprintsangel

God be with you threw your healing and grieving time

dlb823

Elle ~  I was very touched by your post, and I'm so very sorry for your loss.  From your writing, I know your Mother must have been very proud of you.  You sound like the kind of sensitive young woman any Mother would be very blessed to have for a daughter. 

I wish we could take away your pain, but only time will ease that. In the mean time, I'm glad you've found this website, and I hope just knowing that a bunch of women who understand what you're going through and are here to talk to and offer support will be of some comfort. 

God bless you and your family ~  Deanna

dkhancock1948

Just thinking of you Elle.  My prayers are still with you and your family.  Debbie

Jadai

Oh Elle, your story sounds so much like mine.  I lost my mom a week and a half ago.  As soon as the brain mets hit she went downhill so fast.  I know how hard this is and I thought I was young to have both parents gone at 35!  Just know that I am thinking of you and understand all that you are going through.  I hate this disease!

dkhancock1948

Jadai:  I am so very sorry.  My sympathy and prayers go out to you.  Debbie

StayingStrongForMyMama

Elle~

Your story really touched me. I am also 23 and my mom was diagnosed about 2 months ago. Last week was her first chemo treatment. I can not even imagine losing her to this disease and I feel so terrible that your mom had to lose after such a long battle. You are in my prayers. I hope that you will be able to feel at peace soon, but I am sure that it will be a long hard road. Even so, you are so young and have so much to live for. I am sure your mom is looking over you at this very moment and thinking how proud she is to have raised such a wonderful, caring daughter. Remember she wants you to be happy. Be strong and seek the support of your family and friends during this time of grieving. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

~Tina