How can I help my wife?

methosxena

How can I help my wife?

methosxena

My wife and I married last June.  She lives in England and I lives in the USA.  Three months after we married I took her to my doctor for a complete check-up (they do not do that in England because the doctors there think you are crazy if you complain about your health). 

My Primary Care Physician sent my wife for a mammogram (the first mammogram she ever had in her life because in England they will not do them until women reach the age of 50.....my wife was is 42 now). 

To make a very long story short, my wife went through a lumpectomy here in America and two more surgeries in England (she is not a US citizen yet). 

She recently had a mastectomy followed by reconstruction.  They used muscles and skin from her back to reconstrust her breast.  Now she has a terrible infection and has been bed-ridden for 3 weeks.

I have already been to England 3 times this year for a total of 9 weeks.  I had never flown internationally before and last flew 22 years ago.  I am on disability 14 years for mental problems.  But I knew I HAD to be there for her.

I came back from England 3 weeks ago (my third trip) and my wife is starting to pull away from me more each day.  She has a history of mental problems also, and NONE of her family are THERE for her (now or ever!!!!!).  They all "run" at the first sign of trouble.....they cannot deal with problems or illness......and her family are all extremely wealthy, but would not help pay for the better surgery she would have had here in America......this is why she had to fly back to England to have the mastectomy and reconstruction done there (it is FREE there because they have the NHS......which is medical insurance everyone who is a British citizen automatically gets.

I have not spoken to my wife on the phone for 3 weeks, but I am supposed to phone my wife this Friday, but she said she can only talk for 15 minutes because she is in too much pain and is very weak.......but I KNOW it is more due to her depression, anxiety and fears of everything she is going through and the possiblity that she may die.  We used to talk on the phone for 4-5 hours 3 times per week (that was BEFORE her cancer diagnoses and even AFTER the diagnoses, but PRIOR to the mastectomy. 

I know she does not feel like a "woman" anymore because she keeps mentioning it to me over and over.  Also, she says she will never be able to be sexual ever again.  I keep telling her I Love Her just the way she is and sex doesn't matter to me.......it is her LIFE that matters to me and having her around for many years to come so WE can have a future together.  But she will not listen.

What can I do to continue helping, supporting, encouraging and motivating my wife if she continues to dwell on all the negatives (she is a pessimist by nature).  I "think" I say all the right things and I have been very encouraging and supportive to her and when I am with her in England I do everything I can for her (personally) and fix things around her home (inside and out) to try to make her happy.  It just seems I am fighting an uphill battle here and always will be.  I can do 100 good things for her, but she chooses to dwell on all the negative aspects of my personality.

I am a Christian and have been for 18 years.  Unfortunately, my wife does not believe in God or anything else. 

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!

God Bless You,

Joe   

RuthieRR8

So sorry you are going thru' such trauma long distance.  For the immediate circumstances, you can only try to convince your wife that women are not just breasts.  Many women are born with virtually no breasts and they certainly live their lives without dwelling on it.  Since she is unable to talk on the telephone, write to her as often as possible-send "thinking of you" cards with messages that reiterate that you are with her in spirit and altho' you cannot possibly understand what she is going thru' you are there for her always and will do whatever she asks.  In addition to the fact that she's in bed from a terrible infection, she is still having feelings of anger-at herself, at you, at the world, at her situation, you name it.  This naturally results in depression.  Perhaps her dr can give her something for that as well.  The best you can do is "hold her hand" long distance and keep close tabs on her treatment and communicate that in every way as much as possible  you love and nothing will change that.  If she is on the internet perhaps you can introduce her to this site where she can read of others going through similar trials with no active support, either.  All of these things will help but maybe not right away.  Please continue being patient with her and read the experiences on this site yourself to increase your understanding.

 The fact that you are a christian will help you dirctly and her by osmosis but don't hit her over the head with it-it will only increase the distance between you.  Pray for your wife and yourself for strength and wise doctors to help you thru' this.  Keep yourself upbuilt spiritually-phil. 4:5,6,7.  

All the best to you.  Try to be as encouraging as possible and keep writing and calling-keep the calls short as she requests. 

 Blessings.

methosxena

Hi Ruthie,

Thank you so much for replying to my post and your words of encouragement and support.

I pray for my wife (and myself) every day.  Yes, I learned long ago not to push my spiritual beliefs on her (or anyone else).  But if she had some spiritual beliefs (whatever they may be), this would be a lot easier for her to deal with.  There is a reason why everything happens in life and it is the wise person who dwells on the positive aspect of their situation and sees the finished product. 

Oh, I have tried and tried the "women are not just breasts" scenario (I first learned this in high school when I was in sex-education class).  But this does not work (in her case).

She is on tranquilizers and they help, but she takes too much of them.

It just hurts and upsets me (and I have gotten sick now) that we live 3500 miles from each other and she will now "allow" me to visit her again (for the time-being). 

God Bless You, Ruthie,

Joe      

faithandfifty

Joe. Stand firm. Be a rock of support....



This disease is such a process and we are on a roller coaster from the beginning.



Continue your calm, reflective and optomistic manner.



Best wishes as she comes to grips with her many emotions and the loss she has sufferd.



"When you're going thru hell, keep going." -- churchill

methosxena

Thank you, Faith

One of the most difficult aspects of this ordeal is my wife will not seek support from anyone else but me.......she doesn't believe in support groups and will not speak to any other woman regarding her situation.  The burden is all on me and that is why I recently cracked (had another nervous breakdown).

God Bless You,

Joe

lingo

Hi,

I am the wife that methosxena was "concerned" about in his posts of June 2009.  I've read all the other posts here and they're truly inspiring:)   Far from being a pessimist as he insisted here, I am by nature an optimist and raised £1000.00 within a year of my surgery, for breast cancer research uk.  I participated in a marathon run with my teenage daughter.

I don't wish to speak badly of methosxena as he has been deceased 3 years.  just want to let you all know that I'm doing well and please continue to do the wonderful work that you do in supporting women diagnosed with this dreadful illness.

sincerely,

lingo