Weakness and strongness and the will to survive...

idastrett

After I have been diagnosed breast cancer, I was thinking my whole world was falling apart right in front of me. As the doctor told me I just saw a big black hole in front of me and grey clouds were coming up over my actual always beautiful sky. I had a wonderful life, I had a safe job, I had love of my life, I had a wonderful family and I never had the feeling of being alone, but as I got the diagnosis I just saw my world turning from having it all to an island of vast painful emotions. I was numb at that moment and though the doctor talked to me in strength I was just about to cry because I knew this feeling very well. Too well.

I was thirteen when I have been diagnosed suffering from cancer the first time. At that time I was a child and I had a celebral tumor. More than ten years later I am sitting in front of my computer and typing those lines that make me cry steadily. I was a child back then and I was stronger, because I did not completely understand or know what it meant to suffer from a disease like cancer. You know at the age of thirteen the only things you usually suffer from are helpless naivety and innocence. It made me grew up, earlier than I think I usually would have and I grew stronger and now I seemed to be losing all this strength and intensity of living.

I was there, alone, at that point of life and moment, though I had people around me that where strong for both parts, themselves and me, but I was weak and hurt and somehow insulted. I was insulted by life because it gave me cancer again and I was upset and angry and I hated life at that moment. 

It took me about two weeks of locking myself up in my house and constantly thinking my life and my situation over and it was something that my mother used to tell me when I was thirteen and in hospital that made me realize that everything can get back to the point where it was and I can gain health and live my life the way I used to.

I lay there, back then, in the hospital and I was crying, because I wanted to go home and the hospital actually made me sick, and my mother sat on my bed took me in her arms kissed me on my head and told me that no matter what comes up, no matter how bad I was feeling there was always someone around me that was there for me, even when I was alone, someone who was watching over me like a guardian angel. Someone who held his hands above me to give me strength and to help me up every time I am falling down or every time I seem to stumble over stones in life. And I knew that she was right, and I knew I am not the only one feeling that way and I knew if all the people suffering from this diseases, combine their powers and beliefs they can all part away doubts and grey clouds above each others' sky and then the world will get a little bit better and I guess this is a reason why I came to this forum. 

LavenderNLace

That was beautiful!  What a wonderful writer you are. 

dlb823

ida ~  I'm so sorry that you're dealing with cancer again, but I'm so glad that you shared some of your thoughts about it with us.  I agree with you -- we all need to know that we have the support of angels and friends to help us at a time like this.  It makes the journey so much easier.  I know I've found a lot of support here, and I know you will, too.  Do you have surgery scheduled yet?   Deanna