I guess I just need to vent.....

thisgirl80

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005 and it has been a crazy journey every since.  Four years later she has liver, lung, bone and brain mets.  The chemo it taking a tole on her, badly.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I am tried of preparing for death.  I am tired of pretending that things are gonna get 100% better.  She is not living but barely surviving.  I can't bare to watch her in pain anymore.  I can't imagine what she is going through.  How exhausted her mind, body and soul must be.  It tears me apart to watch it.  I am an only child so I go to all the appointments and take care of her the best I can.  I also have a husband and two children under five.  My life would be crazy with out stinking breast cancer.  I don't want to deal with this.  I feel so selfish for even thinking about all of this.  She is the on bearing an unbelievable burden.  Her body is getting weaker and her spirit is broken.  She says that she is fine but if you know her at all you know that she isn't herself.  The side effects from the chemo are truly wearing her down.  At what point does she say enough is enough.  How to you weigh quality vs quantity?  I don't know how to talk to her about it.  I don't want her to think that I am giving up on her or that I don't want to deal with it anymore.  I hurt for her.  I don't know how I would handle it all.  She does handle it pretty well.  The more time goes by the more defeated she feels.  I HATE this disease.  Sorry I guess I just needed to vent.

kookiesmom

I am so sorry for you and your mom.  My mom had BC and had a mastectomy when she was 70.  She was retired and had a great time for 7 years then - BAM - BC came back with a vengance mets to her lung, brain & bones.  Much like you I was overwhelmed with the whole thing.  I had her move in with us as it got to the point where she couldn't live alone - that helped alot.  I guess all I can tell you is that you are much stronger than you believe.  I have some regrets now that my mom is gone - been 3 years and I still miss her like crazy - but I know I tried and I was there for her.  Having been diagnosed myself this year  with BC and had a BM in March with TE I REALLY miss her.  I am scared of my outcome  and 7 years from now I will be nervous as cat I am sure.  But like my BS told me "this is not your mother's cancer".    My mom did chemo and then radiation to her brain.  That was the worst.  I made her all her favorite foods even if she only ate a bite and just tried to stop running around and sat and watched old movies she liked and talked about everything but her condition.  The housework was still there - it will wait for you believe me.  I used to vent and cry to my girlfriends and it does help to let out the frustrations.   I enlisted help from my sister in law and a neighbor who is a nurse.  That helped alot knowing we weren't alone in the battle. I know what you mean about feeling like you have to pretend things are going to get better but my mom's onc. led us to believe it was treatable and managable.  He didn't even order hospice even tho I asked him if it is time.  He put her in the hospital and she was gone in 24 hours.  So try to get help if you can.  I wish I had been more vocal about that with her onc.  This website is a great outlet and source of info.  Hang in there.

idaho

I was in your shoes 2 years ago- You cannot do it all.  You need to have hospice or your church? help you, and give you a break!  Don't ask the onc. for hospice- DEMAND it.  We requested help from them and onc. said "not time", 2 weeks later she was gone- it definitely WAS time.  It was the most difficult thing I had to do to ask my mother if she wanted to continue treatments- but you know what? She was so relieved and said no, she just couldn't do it anymore.  She said she had done the last one just for the family- because we were having such a hard time saying goodbye.  She died very peacefully (thanks to the drugs we FINALLY got the onc. to prescribe, and hospice to administer.  I am sorry you have to go through this- we all HATE this disease with you.  Peace to you, Tami

kookiesmom

Idaho - you are so right - DEMAND hospice if you think your mom is ready for it.  I wish I had!

thisgirl80

Thanks for the replies.  I did have the hard conversation with my mom this weekend about treatment.  She has decided to continue treatment until the end.  She doesn't want to give up.  I don't think that either decision was going to be easy for me to handle.  I hate seeing her suffer this way.  I hate seeing her deteriorate before my eyes.  I don't know where we are in this journey.  I am so confused.  But we have decided to talk to her onc. about what to expect.  She has scans in early July and when we get the results we are going to discuss what her goals are.  I am overwhelmed now and extremely worried about her.  I can't tell what is the disease and what is the treatment.  I am feeling defeated again.  I don't want to always talk to her like she is dying.  I HATE this disease.