My mom is gone and I can't do it anymore

reindeer

I just feel fake. I don't care that I should get a job, or that I need to keep my family together. I care about myself and even then I don't give a shit about myself because I treat my body like shit it seems. I have so many fucking things running though my brain constantly, and it feels overwhelming. Not even important things, oxycodone runs through my fucking brain all the time, I try not to give in, but sometimes I just don't care enough to not take it. I know that my mom hates it so much and it makes her worry about me so much, I am so sorry I can't be strong and not do it. It makes me feel okay and extremely pathetic at the same time. I feel pathetic, I feel sorry for myself. But I know it's not okay because everything sucks now. I feel like I have all this stuff inside me, I don't know exactly what it is but its making my mind and body hurt. Its like the feeling of guilt. I am so envious of stupid ignorance.

I can't explain myself to anyone, and if I do it's all a lie. That's why I feel so fake I think. Because nothing that comes out of my mouth anymore is really how I feel, there's some truth to my words but it's all very superficial. I don't know if things would be any better than they are now or if I would be feeling any better if my mom were here and everything were perfect. But it constantly crosses my mind that they would be better and I would feel better.  I keep just saying I don't know I don't know I don't know. I don't know anything. I have these feelings of sadness and depression and anger because I can't deal with everything and losing my mom. I'm so fragile and sensitive, but this experience with my mom has made me unable to express myself somehow. Its like I'm trying to write this right now to get some sort of expression from myself and I still feel like I make no sense.

Im like losing the closeness I love with my boyfriend as I type this because I can't explain myself to him. And I know he just wants me to talk to him, but it feels like a burden and not a release. Its something else I have to do, not want to, like be nice and tolerable to my dad, I have to explain my behavior and emotions to him. I still love him to death.

There is still so much I could say and wish to say. But now that feels like another burden upon me. I feel weak as hell, but I'll get over it for now until another time comes when I can't handle myself and my feelings.

baywatcher

Reindeer-

You are angry and depressed. You are grieving. You are so sad. You can release your emotions here but, while I am not offended by the f word, please know that some people here are. The reason that I tell you this is because I used the word myself and I got banned from coming to this site for 10 days. I just don't want you to get banned because I know how much it added to my emotional pain. I felt like everyone hated me for cussing when I was just trying to release my anger.

I am so sorry about your mom. I can tell that you loved her very much. How long has she been gone? I am sure that your mom would want you to take care of yourself and treat your body good. You are taking oxycodone? Are you in physical pain?

Your grief is normal. You have to let your emotions out. It is something you must do to begin to heal. Please know that we understand and we care.

Hugs to you

Anonymous

Reindeer, it sounds like you are dealing with more than you feel you can handle right now.  You don't have to "talk it out" until you are ready to, but maybe hugging will help you feel connected with the people you love until you have processed what your feelings even are.  Touch can be every bit as effective as words in expressing our feelings, and can be very comforting.

Your Mom is right, that Oxycodone isn't going to help you deal with your emotional pain.  It will only make that worse.  If you need short term chemical help, get it from a doctor who will prescribe the correct dose of the corrrect drug for your size and other health concerns, and who will help you keep from developing an ongoing dependence that will just be one more thing for you to deal with.

just_mary

Reindeer,

I also have lost my mom, and I need her now more than ever.  As baywatcher just wrote, to keep you on this site, if you really want to write your anger is some ----- words, get a journal and write your heart away.  I started a journal with all of this and no one reads it but me, and it really helps. You can keep it or burn it when your done or even let your boyfriend read it. It sounds like he is trying to be there for you.  With our emotional rollercoaster ride we're on, any man would have trouble understanding us.  I have my days of crying and the next I'm ok,  its part of this darn disease we have.

God bless you, your in my prays    Mary

Keryl

Reindeer; I am sorry that you are feeling so distraught. I agree that sometimes a hug is the best medicine. I understand a bit of your picture - I lost my Mom in August 2007 after a long illness;  My Father passed away just 3 months later. I was reeling from losing both parents so quickly. I am 50 years old, but I felt like a child again; so many thoughts, memories and unfortunately, a few regrets.  Five months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer and that was just one year ago. I kept looking at the phone and thinking, I wish my mom could call me. I felt so overwhelmed.

I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other each day though; and that's what I did. Did not think past each day for awhile. I did go to a counselor and I think it really helped. I wasnt forced to talk and sometimes I sat there and cried. My family got a bit sick of me and my issues,  so going to a counselor helped me take it one day at a time and get through each week.

My counselor helped me identify and separate some of my feelings so I  didnt feel so overwhelmed and so desperate. It helped me get through the "I dont know, I dont know" stage where everything is so jumbled up. She would identify one thing I had said and we would discuss that -- then another on the next visit, and so on.  Slowly, I felt I was processing. If you can, I would encourage you to see someone. At least try it.  Grief does take time and try not to fight it -give yourself some time.

p.s. another suggestion -- make sure you go for a walk, or do some sort of release mechanism each day that is right for you. you will move through this. 

gcpommom

Reindeer:  I know it's been a while since you posted this, but I hope you are still there lurking???

I wanted to tell you that I felt exactly the same way....in February, when I was in the midst of doing chemo and losing hair and recovering from surgery.....my mom died.  It was the worst thing ever in my life, worse than the cancer.  She was my best friend, omg I loved her so much.  I didn't care about my cancer, or my health, I only wanted her back.  I was angry and depressed yet still had to be the strong one for my sister and my dad.  And that made me angry too.  They weren't going through chemo, it was like I had to hide all my fears and sadness to help them through.  And that was ok to a point, I love them and wanted to help, and wanted to be strong like my mother always was.

It has been a few months now....I am done chemo.....and honestly, I find myself still breaking down, crying, thinking "if only her doctors hadn't done this or that"  or "why didn't we transfer her to a better hospital"......I don't know when it gets easier.  I really don't think it ever will.  But in the long run, I know that I am acting just like my mother would have....I am putting on my "brave face", I am trying to keep the family strong and happy, I am keeping tabs on everyone to make sure they are ok.  It is all emotionally tiring, especially dealing with my dad, who is still not doing well in dealing with her being gone....

Please post again or private message me if you need to talk.  I know that the depression you feel, and I feel, is not easy to get rid of....there are times when I am able to enjoy life, but most of the time I feel sad inside...but hide it.  I cry in the shower, in the car...when I am alone.  I can so relate to your comment about how your mom is worried about you; I believe the same, that even though she is gone, she is worried....she was a great worrier, such a kind person, always put us first....I used to feel that my cancer dx caused her to worry too much, and that it somehow contributed to her dying.....that I shouldn't have asked her to go with me to my tx, it was too hard for her to see me so sick....but I know that can't be true.

Please know that it will get better, but you will never stop missing her.  But that's ok.  It keeps the memory of our moms alive, we don't want to forget them.  Talk to her....that's what I do....when I am alone, I just talk away.  She is listening.

Hugs

Judy