Here we go again

julie26

I have posted here several times off and on over the past several years. I was dx in 2001 right breast.  Stage 1 ER/PR- Her2 unknown, grade 3.   Lumpectomy, A/C, rad.  Had a recurrence in 2005 left breast.  Stage 1, ER/PR- Her2+, grade 3.  Same treatment plus 1 year of Herceptin.  To make a long story short, my husband of 21 years told me he wanted a divorce. To say I was devastated would be an understatement.  I found out I had cancer 3 weeks later, he did not care.  My son who was 7 at the time and I moved out into our own place, I got a job, etc.  It was so hard going through the treatments and trying to deal with all the emotions surrounding the divorce.  To make another long story short, I met someone at my cancer support group. It was the last thing I was looking for after coming out of a long term relationship.  He asked me to marry him after I was diagnosed with the 2^nd cancer. We got married 10 days before I started chemo. He is a kind, good man but I have never felt the same "connection" I had with my ex husband. (or should I say thought I had)  I have spent the last 8 years feeling a lot of hurt, anger and guilt.  I function and have joy in my life but have always felt like a piece of my puzzle was missing.  Well I have been having pain in my left breast for about 8 or 9 mos.  My surgeon and Oncologist always felt it was from the lumpectomy, surgical biopsy, staph infection and radiation that I've had in that breast.  About a month ago I felt a lump. It was above my breast towards my underarm. It's not really in the breast or under the arm.  I had a mammogram about 7 months ago which was clean (mammograms were also clean in my first 2 cancers)  went in for another one but asked for digital this time. The lump did not show up but there was a suspicious area of clustered microcalcifications and I knew what that meant. The lump showed up in an ultrasound.  I had 2 biopsies Thursday (stereotactic and core).  Radiologist called me yesterday and both are cancer.  He was not sure at first if the lump was a tumor or lymph node. The biopsy confirmed it is a lymph node so they know there is lymphatic invasion (I had no lymph node involvement the first 2 cancers).  So now I wait until Monday to talk to the surgeon and Onc.  I  know I will have to have a mastectomy as I've already been radiated on both sides.  At first that bothered me but now I just want it out.  My concern is I've had rib, pelvic and back pain off and on for awhile. I had a bone scan a little over a year ago which was clean.  I feel that if it's just in the lymph nodes I may have a fighting chance but not if it's in the bones or any organs.  I am so mad at myself for wasting the last 8 years being so hung up on my ex husband and the past and not letting go and moving forward to live in the present.  Now if I die from this, I feel I will not go in peace. I will take the hurt, resentment and guilt with me.  I should have been so happy to survive both times. I should have appreciated my current life.  I have a wonderful son that is now 15. I adore him. I have a caring husband.  I am also concerned about finances. My husband is in the car business and like so many other people, his income is way down.  He is staying with family about 3 hours away to work in another area with better income potential and comes home 1 day a week. I was working part time but went full time in February to help out. We've managed to keep our heads a little above water. Now my income on State Disability will be dropping by about $1,200 a month take home plus my employer currently reimburses me for half of my monthly medical which will stop once I'm not working.  I found out that the disability will not be based on my current full time pay. It will go back to my part time pay which will give me about $432 less a month and that's a lot when $ is tight.  I missed it being based on my full time pay by 3 months. We have a little retirement $ put away which I of course hate to use up but we may have no choice. I just want to keep our house for 3 years so my son can finish school. I want to live long enough to see him graduate.  I handled the first 2 cancers pretty good overall. This time, I'm not.  I'm scared. I can't believe it's back again.  Are there any 3 time survivors out there?  Any long term bone met survivors???  I sure wish I could have got up this morning like any other Saturday morning.  I love to get up early before anyone else. Open the blinds, sit and enjoy a cup of coffee. I did that this morning but it sure did not feel the same. Life has changed once again and I know I have to deal with surgery and treatment not to mention the cut in our monthly income.  I don't know how to deal with this.  My husband says one day at a time.  He's right and I know that.  I think it's because I'm so mad at myself for the time I've wasted.  I had so much to be grateful for, why did I focus on what I thought I lost instead of what I had?  Well I've decided I'm going out this morning and buy something to wear around the house while I'm going through this. All my comfy jammies and loungewear is so old and battered.  I want something new and feel I should go buy it while I still can.  Seems so trivial doesn't it?  Thank you for listening.  I so appreciate it.

darCraig

Kelly, I am so sorry you are going through this AGAIN!  Life is definitely not fair, and cancer is a son of a b...

Try not to get ahead of yourself - easier said than done, and you've been here before, so you know the drill.

You don't have to be strong all the time - at least that is my theory.  Cry, rant, rave, do what you need to get you through, and know that ALL feeling pass.

My understanding is that bone mets are the most treatable - if that is what you are looking at.

I think some comfy jammies are an excellent idea.  Use this board, and there are also "live" support lines - one here in Canada is Willow out of Toronto - you can call and speak to a survivor.  I've found them very helpful. 

I hear what you are saying about the regrets, but try not to be too hard on yourself.  You are human, and these emotions are part of life.

PJB

So sorry you're having to deal with this again on top of everything else going on in your life. I, too, long for those "normal" days. I find it easiest to deal with by living almost completely in denial.

This is my third time around since 2004. Currently am awaiting scans after having three cycles of Avastin/Taxol for liver mets.

Sending hugs as you go through this. Hoping we're all living in those "normal" times again decades from now.

Paula