Homophobic question about my bilateral mastectomy

Macchick

Hi,

I've posted other treatment related questions on this board but never in the "Lesbians with Breast Cancer" forum because I figured BC is BC and whatever.  However, I just had the most awkward and troubling experience at work yesterday I wanted to share with people in this forum because I need to vent.

So I had a bilateral mx at the end of Feb this year and wasn't at work for the month of March. Returned to work April 1 and have been at work since. No chemo, no rads, no tamoxifen - I'm done.  Didn't opt for reconstruction and don't wear any prosthesis so I'm basically just flat, for my own comfort's sake.  I wear shirts with buttons, etc. to draw the eye away from my chest, but also, I really don't care what others think.  

At least I told myself that until yesterday. I am out at work and everyone here knows I am a lesbian and for the most part it's ok, tolerated; a live and let live attitude at my workplace.   A co-worker of mine (we are friendly but not friends), comes up to me and wants to know if she can ask me a personal question. She then proceeds to ask me if I knew what happened to the FTM that was on Oprah and did he have his baby.  I told her I didn't follow that story and wanted to know how this was a "personal question" related to me.  She then said she noticed that when I came back to work, that I didn't have a chest anymore and wondered if I had my breasts removed "for personal reasons."

Ok, so that just stunned me!  If I'd had my wits about me I would have just said, I'm not comfortable with that question.  But, I didn't like that she thought I was having a sex change or transitioning.  So, I told her I had BC.  

This was such a wrong interaction in so many ways.  I guess I felt like it was more important to me for her to know that I am not a FTM in transition so I told her I had BC.  I didn't tell everyone in my workplace about the BC, just a few people.  Obviously people noticed I had missed the month of March for work but no one has really said anything to me until yesterday.

I felt kind of bad that I am internally transgender-phobic in that it was more important for me to tell her about my BC than have her think I was transitioning.  I did talk to her today and told her I thought the question was inappropriate and that I felt like I revealed something about myself (my BC) that I wouldn't necessarily have told her.  

Anyway, sorry for the long post but this situation really troubled me (I'm troubled by her asking the question and by my own response to it and my worry that someone actually thought I was having a sex change),  Has anyone else out there had an experience like this?  Am I just a jerk when it comes to transgender issues?  I like to think I'm liberal and open minded but I guess we can all use a wakeup call.  Thanks for letting me vent here.

Melody

Katalin

I think some people are just stupid and insensitive, and if you have the patience for the thought, the Dalai Lama might suggest that you could have compassion for her for asking such an insensitive question.  But your response was totally reasonable.  It´s not your fault that she brought up the subject, something very personal, and totally none'of'her business.  As for wake up calls, they´re all good.  Sorry for sounding so namby pamby, but there´s a world of stupid comments out there, if only we had enough time to hear them all!

jader

I guess the lesson for everyone is this:

When someone asks if they can ask a personal question ... you need to think about it, "Do I want to reveal ANYTHING PERSONAL to this person who is not my friend?"   You can say, "I'd rather you did not ask me a personal question let's just keep our relationship Professional."

Or say, "Well you can ask but I may not answer, it's up to you."

NoH8

Mac- It's possible that this woman was trying to be sensitive and to let you know it was ok if you were in the process of changing sexes. I am like you, a bit transgender phobic, but I think I would have cracked up-- WTF? LOL. Just who goes there? I also had a bilateral w/o reconstruction and had someone ask me if the reason I wasn't more upset about losing my breasts was because I'm lesbian. Again, WTF? 

I think people generally want to be supportive (except mean people), but are often unsure how to best do that for us. They project their own fears about how they would feel in a similar situation. What bothers someone might not bother someone else.

Don't get my wrong, the last thing I would ever want is for someone to think I was transitioning, although I'm really feminine. I also feel bad that I am not more open to the T part of LGBT I would be perturbed if someone asked me that question, but I think I would have laughed first. I think you did the right thing by answering, if you refused to answer she would have taken that to mean you were transitioning.  She probably felt like a real idiot after you told her you had breast cancer and I'll bet that she will never ask that question or think that  again.

Maybe the real lesson in this is to be out and open about your breast cancer journey, because people fill in the blanks with their on scenarios regardless. I think by being open, about being lesbian or having breast cancer, we have the privilege of educating others about something they might not know enough about.

malucho1

Hm. I have a bit of a different take. I, too, had a bilat. mast. and I didn't do recon or prosthesis. I actually LIKE the fact that some people might read me as Trans. I enjoy the confusion and love being around trans boys, who have also had "top surgery"...it is the one place that I feel at home and accepted for my decision.

 But, I don't think your reaction was wrong in any way. I just think we need to EXPAND our ideas about the very different ways that different people inhabit their bodies, their cancer, and their gender. So many many ways...

NoH8

Wow!  That is an interesting take, Mal...thanks for sharing your openness.

DragonGirl

You know, I have Stage IV and when I asked my doctor about a bilateral mastectomy he acted as if I was insane! I thought it might be a good idea for prevention's sake (a second cancer) and quite frankly, in retrospect, I wish I had pressed the issue, but for other reasons. Using a prosthesis is a HUGE pain in the ass for me and I wish I could go without! I would have no problem going boobless but going around lopsided is just not something I'm comfortable with. I wish they would take the other one now but insurance wouldn't pay for it. You are missing nothing, it get's hot and sweaty, finding a bra that is comfortable when you've had rib mets is nearly impossible and the stick on ones just don't stay. So,ithere's that in defense of the flat look too. Of course my doctor was male and just couldn't believe that I would even consider losing a breast that didn't have cancer in it, what a jerk. Anyway, as far as the inquiry goes, absolutely and completely out of bounds! She had no right to ask that, however I do understand your reaction. It's hard enough being the gay girl at work, I can't imagine the crap you might have to put up with if you were labelled as transgender. Let's face it, the world is full of homophobes but they are slowely going underground. Everyone may be nicey nice to you about you're being gay but more often than not (I've found) there's all sorts of homophobia lurking underneath there, you just don't usually hear it. It's just not PC anymore to be open about your homophobia. I don't think that you were expressing internalized transgender-phobia...you simply were smart enough from life's experience to know what the consequences would be if someone percieved you as trans-gender. These days being a homophob is just not PC but there's this little line between gay and transgender that people think changes things...it's still culturally 100% OK to be trans-gender phobic, and you're little protective mechanism inside knew that difference. I don't think that makes you trans-gender phobic at all. Sometimes your job or your safety can depend upon how you allow yourself to be perceived (I've lost more than one job due to homophobia and have been chased down Santa Monica Boulevard by a pack of raging gay bashers). Give yourself a break, OK?

GML

This is an interesting post.  I wanted to have a bilateral as well but was talked out of it as they felt an urgency for me to heal to start chemo, so I just had the right side mastectomy.  I also wish I had pressed the issue further.  I have had a terrible time with chemo (they are hospitalizing me for my treatments for two days because I get so ill) and I don't want to experience this ever, ever again.  I've talked to my surgeon about having the left breast removed and he is reluctant, yet willing.  He is a great surgeon and did a fantastic job on my right breast.  But then he starts talking about reconstruction....which is not what I want and I advised him such.  He gave me a look and a paranoid part of me wondered if he was erroneoulsy thinking I wanted my breasts removed for transgender reasons (he knows I'm a lesbian).  Then I thought I was crazy for being paranoid about that.  Now I wonder if I was being paranoid or perceptive.  Of course I love breasts, I'm a lesbian!  I just don't want to risk getting cancer in the other breast and going through this hell again.  I am 36A on a good day and so I can generally get away with not wearing the prosthesis, especially in the winter and would have no problem not using prosthetic devices (except maybe special occasions but not sure what those would be...lol).  But, I had invasive lobular (and a damn big one) and from what I read that is one of the indicators suggesting a contralateral mastectomy of the "healthy" breast.

So, I guess I don't think my paranoia about the transgender thing was internalized transphobia....it was more of a feeling like what I view as my "reasonable concerns" needed further justification....that my experiences thus far, my illness, my fears, my anxieties, are not enough to warrant having the other breast removed....that there would have to be "some other" reason. 

I still have two chemo treatments to go and then possibly radiation.  Surgeon won't do mastectomy until I am healed after chemo.  Stay tuned and thanks for reading.

GML

love2walk

I had a bilateral mastectomy 12/9/2009.  I chose to have bilateral even though cancer was only in one breast.  I am lucky that no nodes were involved so I don't need chemo or radiation.  I am back at work and have no prosthesis.  I believe that everyone at work knows that i had bc.  In my small department 4 of us have had bc and  I'm the only one who chose mastectomy.  I am very glad that I did and I look forward to the time when I won't have to wear compression (for fluid buildup).  (I always hated bras)

Two years ago I was with my adult child while ze went through top surgery.  I had spent the year prior to that dealing with hir announcement and decisions, and dealing with my own feelings about breasts (in general, hirs, mine).  So when I had decisions to make, I realized that for me it was important to keep the rest of my body as whole and healthy as possible. 

As a lesbian feminist, it was hard to understand my genderqueer child's choices, but because of what ze did (and going through it with hir), i was not as fearful as I might have been.  I feel very blessed that because of hir and the year we went through, I was able to be clear about my own decision when I went to the surgeon. 

I think what is also interesting is that I have very short hair (and have had for years), but now with bc, many folks assume that I had chemo and lost my hair.  I get many comments about whether I like my hair now that it is short.  I then need to explain that I had no chemo - this is my normal hair.  No big deal, it's just kinda funny.

ranabutt

Ok, so that just stunned me! If I'd had my wits about me I would have just said, I'm not comfortable with that question. But, I didn't like that she thought I was having a sex change or transitioning. So, I told her I had BC.

This was such a wrong interaction in so many ways. I guess I felt like it was more important to me for her to know that I am not a FTM in transition so I told her I had BC. I didn't tell everyone in my workplace about the BC, just a few people. Obviously people noticed I had missed the month of March for work but no one has really said anything to me until yesterday.

I felt kind of bad that I am internally transgender-phobic in that it was more important for me to tell her about my BC than have her think I was transitioning. I did talk to her today and told her I thought the question was inappropriate and that I felt like I revealed something about myself (my BC) that I wouldn't necessarily have told her.
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