When does the attitude get better?

ameron

So I am less than a week into my diagnosis.  Trying to stay positive, but the unknown is horrifying.  I just had someone email me a note that was intended to give me hope that said...."I can't forget a young girl on Oprah that said...the cancer wasn't killing me, it was pushing me to live".   Well that sounds really lovely and all.....and I would love to get out and start doing some great things while I still feel well....but I'm wondering how anyone can do that when all I can do is sit around sick to my stomach xanaxing the hell out of myself waiting for the next drs appt and being horrified over what my reaction to chemo will be and expecting to be so sick from chemo that I can't function".  When does this life is wonderful I'm going to live life to the fullest attitude kick in.....after you are through treatment????

TexasRose

I still have moments like you describe, but they are less frequent now. Rare actually for me. When I was first diagnosed, I was terrified. Spent a lot of my time "xanaxing the hell out of myself" as well. Love that! Spent a lot of time thinking I was dying. I was absolutely obsessed with reading about BC, going to doctor's appointments, and when I wasn't doing that I was sitting in a chair, staring into space and thinking about dying. Actually for me, all that came in week two. Week one of diagnosis, I went on a cruise that was already booked. Alcohol got me through that week. After I got home, the Xanax started.  

My attitude started getting better after my surgery. I felt like the cancer was out of me at that point. I am facing chemo now and will start that in a couple of weeks. But my attitude is 100% better. Knowing the full picture and that my nodes were negative and my margins were clear helped a lot. I still get mad and scared of course, but for the most part, I am doing a lot better and feeling a lot more positive. I'm scared to start chemo, but I'm ready to do it. I'm ready to fight. For now, I am just concentrating on living my life and keeping as normal as possible. Really, living our lives to the fullest, is important with a cancer diagnosis or without one. No one really knows how much time they have.

I try to laugh a lot and spend my time now doing things I enjoy or that matter to me. I have let go of the stuff I don't care about. I don't have the energy right now to waste.

You are less than a week from diagnosis? I think you are right where you should be. You are still in shock. You are still terrified and probably don't know your whole picture yet. Give it time. You will adjust to your new normal. We really don't have any other choice.

I wish you the best.  

Edited to add- I have only taken one Xanax since my surgery on April 3rd and that was the day before I met with the oncologist for the first time.

lexislove

It was hard for my attitude to change during chemo because of the emotional ups and downs. But..like TexasRose, my attitude changed after I had my surgery. I already knew that my lymph nodes were clear going into chemo but I was so anxious at what they were going to find at the time of my mastectomy. Like I said in the other thread you started, I did the chemo first and my onc said that part of my prognosis is my response to chemo. I responded well, and had big clear margins. After putting all my pathology info together, I finally breathed.

flfish

It will get better when and only when you are ready for it to get better.  All of us are different and no one person is right over another.  You will feel better when you are ready to, and you can't force it.  Mine started after my treatment ended.  I think the relief of treatment being finished helped push me into the better attitude, but I have to admit, I still have my bad days, even one year later.  Give yourself time to grieve or be angry, it is part of the process.

Best of luck to you! You know where to find support if you need it!

Ellie

Harley44

ameron:

I just celebrated my two year anniversary of my bc diagnosis.   At first, I was terrified!  I even fell asleep for about 1/2 hour watching TV, and woke up screaming, only no sound came out of my mouth! 

I agree with the others...  everyone is different, but one thing is certain...  You WILL feel better; it just takes time...
 

Thinking of you, and sending GENTLE HUGS your way!!!

Harley

cherneski

Ameron,

I dont know when it gets better?  But I fell into a xanex bottle myself.  I was dx 04.09.09, with DCIS, IDC in my right breast. I had both breasts removed 05.06.09, I was not able to do immediate recon, so right now I have no breasts at all.  Nadda, zip, nothin, and people tell me be positive.  lmao

I am 38 years old and would like to still live in my xanex bottle from time to time.  I am stronger some days than others.  I despise when people tell me to keep a positive attitude!  Dont get me wrong most days I get moments that I want to go save the world, but for the most part I just want to wake up and have it all have been a bad dream. Most of the time I just showed up to the next appointment and did as much research as my mind could handle.  It is all way too much for anyone person to handle in my opinion. 

It SOCKS!  I hate cancer and want it to leave us all alone!  I still dont have the wonderful attitude yet.  I still dont fully believe I have cancer, I just dont have any breasts anymore. 

Hugs to you

Debi

konakat

It started to get better once I had the surgery and then had the treatment plan.  Instead of feeling out of control, it switched to me having a plan to fight.  I was doing something to the cancer instead of it doing something to me.  You are in charge!  One girlfriend always calls me warrior girl now.

There are still times that I have a big cry, why me, big meltdown, pity parties.  But that's OK, it sucks.  Or should I say socks!!  :-)))  But you get through it.

Oh, and I hate it too when you get keep a positive attitude.  Yeah, I do, and I keep a realistic one too.  I much more like it when people are amazed that I am carrying on so well. Yesterday I had my 4.5 hour chemo cocktail and then met some friends that evening for some much better cocktails -- apple martinis!  It's my way of telling the cancer to f-off.

My mantra is that just because the cancer screwed up a part of my life I'm not letting it screw up all of it. That's when the cancer wins, when you stop doing what you enjoy, what you want to do. It's all about you -- you do what's best for you -- whether it's a pity party or out with your friends and enjoying your life. 

This may sound all fluffy now, but once you get into your treatment and get some control over your life, your attitude will kick in when it's ready to.  When you're ready.

barbe1958

Hey, I leave a week today to attend my daughter's destination wedding in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic! I will be standing up in a strapless dress with no breasts! I have WON! This is all I meant to do this year, as well as attend my son's wedding in August. Everything in my power focussed on getting me here for this moment. It's all moment by moment.

Now is when you learn to truly live in the moment.

You don't have to be brave, you just have to show up.

Hugs!

konakat

Barb -- you've become my fav lady here with your quick wit and excellent attitude.  You have won!!  Enjoy the wedding, and Punta Cana --- ohhhh, I'm so jealous!!  You're one powerful, kick-ass woman!  An inspiration to us all!

Elizabeth

xox

apple

Barb... how are you going to keep that dress up? 

(and yes you are an inspiration)...

I guess when you get used to the new reality, your attitude improves. 

Life is good.

ktym

Ameron and Debi: based on what you said I bumped this thread for you  http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/5/topic/703925?page=10#idx_293

Be Positive: shut up!

I'd also recommend

Laughter the Best Medicine: or the Road to Hell

and

Worst Thing Someone Said to you.

About the mood you are in now and about the time from diagnosis and surgery you are now I found those.  Read them from beginning to end.  Took hours.  Laughed so hard at some of them.  Found by the time I finished that the idiotic things people said to me became something to laugh at and come here and post, rather then get angry or hurt over.  Still HATE any comments or advice about keeping positive, that never changed.

Barbe: ditto what Elizabeth and Apple said.  Would loved to have met you in Vega, unfortunately can't get there with the group.  

barbe1958

Thanks y'all! That validates my efforts. (My dress will stay up because I told it to! And, paid extra $ to have them take it in at the bust so I can barely breathe...)

Ameron, it may seem we are all so blase about the cancer thing, but the more you are on these forums and the more chances you get to state your fears about dying, reconstruction, meds, chemo, rads or whatever, the easier it gets to take it all with less of the overwhelming feelings that are all part of the package.

Keep us posted here so we know how you're doing - we don't want to have to hunt you down all over the boards.....this is YOUR thread.  

Mazy1959

Ameron,

We all handle cancer differntly I guess. My attitude with stage 2 was...ok I am gonna go thru heck for awhile but I will kick cancer butt and will go on.  I really did not like chemo. 3 yrs and 9 mo later I was diagnosed with mets to the bone.  I do pretty good but I am in alot of pain and take alot of meds. I can no longer work. But...I can be home for my family, I can make afghans for people who just need someone to reach out and show they care.  I have made some of the best friends I have ever had on this wonderful site. The kind of friends who like you even when you arent feeling very likeable. Because of cancer I know who my real friends are and who truly cares about me.

 I wont tell you to have a positive attitude and no one else should hound you about it. You have to get thru it how it is best for you. I chose not to get bitter and angry because I feel it only makes the whole process more miserable. I just keep going on and living each day the best I can and am thankful for each new day. I have many things to be thankful for and I choose to focus on those things. I am mad because cancer has made part of my life miserable as all heck but it didnt ruin my whole life. Cancer is only a small piece of me. I refuse to let it take charge over my life. You will find your own way of coping that is best for you. Those people who tell you to have a positive attitude have no real idea what you are going thru. I wish you all the best...HUgs, Mazy

EWB

I don't think its about "staying Positive"  I think its more about finding hope, and finding faith and believing- not necessarily in the religious meaning, but faith in yourself that you are stronger than you think and you can do this. Faith that the right things and people are where you need them at the time when you need them (even if you don't know it).

Its about taking things one day at a time, doing what is right for YOU not anyone else. Its about letting yourself feel the saddness, anger, fear, what ever it is...its ok.

Its about knowing that a day will come (when is different for each of us) when the first and last thought of the day will not be about cancer. Its knowing that you are not alone.

Panchoandlefty

For me, the beginning was a blur.

I couldn't look at my kids (4 yr old twins and a 6 yr old) without crying, obsessed about treatment options, couldn't focus. 

Through treatment there were good days when the drive to overcome the very physical nature of chemo/rads/reconstruction actually gave me a boost. I worked out everyday during chemo and ran my first 5K during rads.

In some ways, treatment was the easy time because everything was tangible, you knew what you were fighting, and people give you A LOT of latitude to be moody, erratic, whatever.  

After treatment ended, I went into a weird reclusive funk. Defining the new normal can be hard. 

I finished chemo last summer. I think things are beginning to stabilize. I don't think about cancer all the time, though I can't avoid it altogether.  Too may scars. Too many drugs. Still, I don't think about dying so much. I can make plans 12 months out without wondering if I'll be OK. 

Point is, it gets easier. You learn to walk with it. It becomes a part of you. I think the "warrior" stuff tends to ebb and wane... Some people get a burst of that positive, can't-stop-me attitude which they can harness (like marathon runners) to get through the day... Others find that all very annoying and draw strength elsewhere, like in mint chocolate chip ice-cream. Still others join groups, like this, and feel part of a sisterhood. 

The only wisdom I can offer is that as long as you're feeling SOMETHING- be that fear or anger or pride or pain, you are going to be OK. Stay connected. Keep getting up in the morning and time will soften the edges of your emotions.

Stephanie 

AmyIsStrong

For me, it helped to get deeper into the process and regain somewhat of a sense of control. Xanax helped in the beginning but I haven't taken it or even thought about taking it in a few months now.  I got assigned a 'breast cancer buddy' through my local breast cancer coalition (EXTREMELY helpful - see if you can get one where you live) - she had the same exact dx as I do, but 6 years ago, and it is SO helpful to see her living her life normally now. She is like a living encouragement.  Anyway, she told me that once you get through surgery, and through your first chemo, and then when you lose your hair, there shouldn't be any more surprises (hopefully) and you get into a groove and build confidence. And for me, that is exactly what happened. The surgeries are done, I'm almost at my 3rd treatment, I'm fuzzy-headed and wearing scarves (not quite bald) and I'm DOING IT day by day. It is very perplexing for me  and hard to explain, but being in the midst of all this, I really do have some moments of pure joy. Not EVERY moment, but some.  And more and more periods of time when a few hours go by and I forget completely about cancer altogether, which I NEVER would have believed in the beginning.

The beginning is the WORST - the waiting, the not knowing, all those medical appts. That is what I was told and what was true for me. May not be so for everyone, but it is my experience. The xanax helped me through it - I didn't eat AT ALL for the first 2 weeks and lost a bunch of weight. And didn't sleep much either. But now, as I said, I am (mostly) cruising along. 

There's no best way to do this - you just have to keep going. Lexislove's signature says: Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." ~~~Mary Ann Radmacher. It touches me each time I read it.   And no matter if each day is easy or hard, I take comfort in that another day follows and I get to 'try again.'

One final thing - when I was at your point in the beginning, a family member who is a therapist suggested a CD to help with relaxation/visualization for recovery from surgery and help through chemo. The one she suggested is by Peggy Huddleston and is found on Amazon. See here: http://www.amazon.com/Peggy-Huddlestons-Relaxation-Healing-Instructional/dp/0964575752/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1243382148&sr=8-1   I can honestly say it helped me SURVIVE that beginning period, as well as get through surgery and chemo. I STILL use it daily and work on the visualizations toward whatever challenge I am facing currently. I am not someone who would normally do this type of thing, but it has HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY - more than I can even describe.  Best money I have ever spent. I put it on my IPOD and listen to it first thing in the morning to start my day relaxed. But in the beginning, I used it before bed AND in the morning, plus if I woke up at night all anxious and couldn't sleep.  Might be worth trying.

OH one more thing (sorry this is so long) - every month they start a new group for women starting chemo that month. I joined the April group and we are all going through it together. If you need chemo or radiation, I highly suggest joining one of the groups - you will make friends and find support, a shoulder to cry on, great suggestions, and women who TRULY understand.

Good luck to you. We are all here to help. 

GratefulGal

Ameron - You took me back to February of last year when my radiologist told me "you've got cancer! That was a 'deer in the headlights moment.' Moment #$@# - it lasted for quite a while. I have to say - a positive attitude was not to be found for quite some time. I was in a fog as I went from dr appointment to dr appointment. But - one thing that was a constant for me were three friends. At least one or all showed up at my appointments without fail - to take notes, etc. because after the C word, all I heard was blah, blah, blah...

What did happen for me was - facing my fear. I found after some soul searching that my biggest fear was dying! However, I had to learn and come to beleive that we live in a day and age where - now hear this - "cancer = treatment". For me, I had to let go of the old addage that "cancer = death". I would love to tell you that this happened overnight and I got it right away, but I did not. It took me a while, but I was able to put one foot in front of the other and show up for what I needed to show up for.

I remember the day of surgery waking up with breasts and thinking when I wake up from surgery, no breasts. It took a very, very good friend of mine to tell me, when you wake up from surgery, you will be cancer-free. I remember just for that moment, it changed my perspective. There have been a lot of other moments like that throughout. 

I have had some amazing support throughout my journey - and it continues. I finished chemo on Dec 3, 2008 and will continue on Herceptin through this August. No more IV's...

Today, my attitude is pretty amazing I have to say!  My thoughts and prayers are with you and every other woman on this journey.

The reality is - Cancer Sucks - no matter how you look at it! But, we - including you, will get through it. Keep connected -

blondie45

For me it took about a month or so, actually soon after the mastectomy. I read so much on stages, grades, ER/PR andHER2NEU that I could probably write a book now LOL. Anyhow I had one chemo session so far and my attitude is still okay, for me as soon as I knew it hadn't spread anywhere else I had a major attitude change. I also was pretty down at first asking "how did this happen when I have had my mammogram every year for the last 7 years, so essentially I did everything right?" Also, go check EVERYTHING you can find on the treatments that will be available to you. I am triple positive so have almost everything available to me, this also helped my attitude.

ameron

Hi All,

 Just an update on my original post about when the attitude gets better.  Thanks for all your posts the last few weeks...they certainly help keep things in perspective.

I have to say, my attitude is definitely better.  I think this is just a grieving process like any other and it took a few weeks for the shock to wear off and accept my new reality.  I'm kind of naturally feeling better without having to think about it.  Just focused on getting through chemo now.  I know I will have another grieving period when the reality of mastectomy gets closer...but its too overwhelming to think about that now, so I don't.  I just had my 2nd round of AC today.  My current obstacle is losing my hair.  Its starting to come out in rather large clumps today and the day I have to look at a bald head will be bad, but I'm much better in my emotional state about it. 

So, I've come along way since my diagnosis on May 7th.  So much easier having this forum to come to! Hope thats helpful to those still early in the diagnosis....it does get better.

NatureGrrl

ameron, I had long hair, too (no where near as lovely as yours, but still, I loved it -- first time in my entire life I've had long hair where it looked great).  Although I wasn't horrified by the thought of losing it, and intellectually I could accept it, emotionally was a bit different.  As others have done I decided I was going to take control of it rather than let the chemo control it.  I got it cut short and then shaved it when it started falling out.  I realized the quick shave would be easier to deal with emotionally (for me) than the ongoing thinning. 

The day I went in to get it shaved, a dear friend wrote me the following... you can substitute your own strengths but basically this applies to everyone facing hair loss, and I love my friend for writing it:

"...rest assured, while your hair is indeed lovely and a part of the normal physical package, your true beauty is the essence of you... your sweetness, creativity, sense of humor, deep trust in life, and warm heart.  Those, no one can shave away."

And no chemo can take away.