Need Friend - Single, No Kids, No Family, No Job, No Assets,

nancyu

I would like to connect with women in my boat.  The cancer is over as far as I am concerned.

I'm 48.  It will be 4 years that I have been out of work of any kind, 6 in my field -- layoffs due to lack of work, busy caring for/burying family; a bad divorce in 2005; moving, ex-problems....

Then I was diagnosed.  I had some temporary alimony.  If I earned a dollar, I would have lot my heth care benefits under a special Medicaid program.  With luck, I may have my Disability Appeal Hearing by late summer.  My alimony ended in March and I am now on public assistance - $352/month isn't enough.  I have bills, back taxes, and student loans I will probably never pay off. 

I am deeply depressed.  My cancer experience was a nightmare -- poor relationships with the docs, and being alone.  5 surgeries, 4 ER visits, chemo, rad, HT (which I can not tolerate and go off).

I have no car.  I have been with my mom for 6 months now - it's not good.  I gave away my cats and keep trying to find foster homes for my 10 year old dog.  He is my life.  I may have to put him to sleep.

I am just starting to look for a job.

I have sold as much as I can.  I have a Masters, but my limittaions, job gap and moreso the depression are going to make it much worse.  I'm not from here.  It is economically depressed and I hate the cold.  I want to move to Chapel Hill, but am stuck.

Is there anybody that is in this position, or has climbed out of it?

dlb823

Wow, Nancy, it sounds like you've had a rough few years of it, and I can understand how you got into the depressed frame of mind it sounds like you're in.  My first thought is that you need to find something -- anything -- to do, to get out of the house and around people again.  Finding a dream job in Chapel Hill next week may be unrealistic, but is finding a job locally to keep busy and save some money possible?  I think it's wonderful that you have a masters degree, but in the current economy, many folks are having to settle for lesser jobs than they're qualified for, so I think it would be totally understandable, as is the gap on your resume due to bc. 

Are you on an antidepressant?  If so, it may not be the best one for you, or the dose may need tweeking if you are still feeling stuck in the nightmare of the past 4 years and unable to take even baby steps towards a happier life.

Without knowing a lot about your area, I can't offer specific advice, but I would be happy to try to help you brainstorm ideas if you want to PM me.  I'm glad that you shared how you're feeling, and I hope that we can help you see a brighter picture.  It sounds like you've endured a lot, and I think it's definitely time for some happiness in your life.    Deanna

Anonymous

Hi Nancy, sorry to hear your story but you are in a good place on these boards to hopefully lift your spirits somewhat if only by sharing your story and helping to lift others who are going through some of what you have gone through.  Many times helping others will allow us to temporarily forget our own ordeals.

You are on public assistance so will that make you eligible for medical assistance?  As Deanna mentioned, if you are on antidepressants maybe you need a different dose or a different brand.  If you are not on any you may want to see if you can get them.  Also counselling may be indicated because we sometimes just can't do it alone, much as we would like to think we can.  Please try and get some professional help; it does not reflect badly to do so but allows you to regain control of your life.  Don't let past problems dictate your future.  You've earned better so let's get moving and find Chapel Hill at the end of this tunnel!

Please come back and let us know how you are doing.  We are always here for you.

jenni__ca

maybe there is some help here?

 http://bb67.wikispaces.com/

http://nosurrenderbreastcancer.websitetoolbox.com/post?id=2219902&trail=60#47

NatureGrrl

Nancy, when I saw the subject line it was like I wrote it... well, I can't say "no family" but the rest, including your post, reflect my own situation in many (not all, but many) ways, except I'm 57 and terrified about how even more time out of the job market is going to impact my job chances. No discrimination, my a** -- they know how old you are from your resume and they do take that into account.  Some, granted, in a positive way, but many in a negative way.  And I'm getting dangerously close to 60, and although *I* don't think that's old, I know employers have a different attitude at times.

Anyway, here's my situation:

I moved back to the Midwest from the Northwest (broke my heart to leave there).  All my things are in storage back there and have been for three years.  My brother is paying that or I wouldn't have anything.

Living with my mom for over a year, partly to help her through her own cancer recurrence, partly to escape a raging now-ex-husband.  (Awful but fortunately long-distance divorce.  He turned a 180 on me after we married and even after the divorce, tried to forge my signature and illegally use my SS# to file a false tax return. Sigh. the whole thing was heart-breaking.  But GOOD RIDDANCE!).

It's hell at times living with my mom -- she's been less than gracious to have me there, even though I had to sacrifice a lot to move in with her and she wouldn't be in her own home if I weren't there.  I could go on about that for pages but won't! 

I have no children.

No assets (unless you count my cat)   What I had has been eaten up over the last 5 jobless years.  I do still have my car and am grateful it's paid for.

I'm well-educated and have tons of great work experience.  Excellent references.  Only employment for the last 5 years has been what I've been able to do as self-employment (graphic design) (sparse) and now I have a part-time job with a non-profit, very low pay, no benefits, but it's income and it pays what I have to pay.  And it gets me out of the house.

On Medicaid now, so I can't afford to make any more money anyway or I'll lose my Medicaid. 

I was just dx this last April so I'm still in the trenches with this cancer and will be for awhile, so now I can't really look for a professional job anyway (not that there are tons around!).  Like I can walk into an interview when I can hardly stand up!

I feel a lot of situational depression from time to time... I feel like this whole situation is a dead end, how am I ever going to escape, when do I get my own place/job/life back??  Not to mention having to go through the cancer basically alone AND still support and help my mother.  Sucks.  Pardon my French!

Somehow, though, the basic Pollyanna in me refuses to give up. I have no idea what the future holds and how I will ever find a decent job, but I know something will work out, some time, some how.  Still, right now things kinda suck.  Sucks to be an adult and be dependent on others, to have to live with my mother, to have to DEAL with living with and helping her when I have a full plate already, to not have my own place, to know that one financial disaster will send me into bankruptcy, to have all those worries and stresses.

I hope you can keep your dog -- pets are a real lifeline -- I deeply hope that part works out for you. I don't know what I would do if I had to give up my cat; she's been with me 17 years and although that sounds old, she acts and looks rather young, and gives me a lot of joy.  Please keep your dog if you can.  You don't need more heartbreak.

A lot of jobs and job searches are on-line now... I'm sure you're making the most of that.  So are you looking for jobs in the Chapel Hill area?  Can you put on your resume or in your cover letters that you're temporarily living in NY, with plans to return to Chapel Hill, so that hirers know you plan to live there?  I don't know if that helps or not but I keep thinking if they know I plan to return, they'll be more likely to consider me than if they just think I'm trying to escape where I am.  Or do you have a friend in Chapel Hill who will let you use their address on your resume?  I did that for awhile, labeling one as my temp (current) address and the friend's address as my local address.

For now, although I hated it when people gave me this advice, it might be good to take any part-time or less-than-professional job you can. According to my advice-givers,  "they" (I haven't figure out who "they" are!) say it matters to employers that you're working somewhere, anywhere, as opposed to just looking.  Not sure I buy that but I have to admit that having a job, even part time with no benefits, has been a bit of a boost to my moral, if nothing else.  And maybe you could save some money, enough to get back to Chapel Hill, even if only for a few months... being there, even with all the on-line resources for jobs, might make it easier to find and land something.

Sorry this is so long, I tend to have babble-fingers... and sorry I can't be  more help, but I sure can empathize... and in the FWIW department, I do believe things work out... Pollyanna just doesn't give up.  I have faith for you, too.  Feel free to pm me if you want to commiserate!  And do hang in there... wishing you well and sending a hug....

victorious

Hi Nancy ....how are you doing????

I totally relate to your story except that I am 60.  No kids, No husand, No money. Not very hireable . On Medicaide.  Up and down emotions.  It's just been a run of very bad luck.  I have not been able to work much because my work is so physical in nature, and acutally in April I announced that I could not do it any longer.  And since I get housing as part of my compensation I am going to be hanging out there hi and dri.  My parents are getting up in years and not much help.  They just want me to move in with them wihich I refuse to do.  I stayed there a few times during chemo and stuff and found myself taking care of them taking care of me. 

I duno - I hae really really rough days - but somehow or another I get back to "don't worry - be happy - every little things gonna be alright now".  It sure as hell ain't the way I pictured it though.

So I just wanted to drop you a note of encouragment.  People hve done that for me and it alwauys helps to turn my head around if I'm having a really bad day.

May the Blessings Be.

Victoria

Bethie1

Hi ladies!!  I am single in a sense as well (have boyfriend), but either way I hope I can be a ray of sunshine around here!!  We may have been diagnosed with bc, but we've beaten it right ladies?!! Some of us have had to whip our men into shape or divorce/kick them out.  I had to do that with my boyfriend, but since he's been out of the house, (which is my mother's-although she's deceased, he called it mine--anyway moving on) We're actually getting along better now that we're living separately.  Sometimes people fall apart, live separate lives, and things have to be done, AND THAT'S OK!!! Let's rise above our diagnoses, some of the men we've had in our lives, and get out there with some GIRL POWER!!!  We definitely didn't ask for BC, but we (at least I know I am) are definitely STRONGER FOR IT!!!

LL12

Hi Nancy

Hope that you have a good job now and please take care of yourself.

I'm 43 years old single and lonely Asian Lady without kids and husband but very lucky to secure with a job. Within two years I had operation done to remove endometrium polyps and breast lumps-fibroadenoma lumps twice. My recent u/s report shown I have 41 breast cyst including some complex cysts, uterus fibroids and ovary cysts  My maternal grandmother and grand aunt died of breast cancer. My mother had also done operation to remove fibroadenoma lumps. I suffered from fibrocystics breast diease and am worry that one day breast cancer will attack me.

Sometimes, I feel very down and lonely and feel like ending my life. I always admire those people that have a very happy family. In the past due to my shyness and not an outgoing person,  I  had let a good guy mistaken on me that I am not interested in him. Therefore, he gave up on me and  got married in year 1995. Sometimes, I think of the past, I will cried and can't sleep for nights and suicide thoughts always in my mind. My younger sister had ended her own life in Year 1998 and I always think of following her steps to end my own life.

Warmest Regards

Sad old lonely lady.

cindoe

Dear LL12,

You may be sad and lonley but at 43 you are not old. I am sorry you are going through  ROUGH TIME. Please know when you are at the bottom feeling this way, things will get better! All you need is that one split second and your life will turn around. You may go out today and find that special person that will mean the world to you. It will be so wonderful. Life is never always good, It is not you alone. I don't think there would be one person that can say things have always gone good. What are your interests? Try to get more involved with your interests that in some way involve other people. Keep up with your medical needs, but get out there and seek what the world has to offer, don't be shy,who cares what other think,do your thing!

Take Care,

Cynthia

sweatyspice

Sometimes bankruptcy is the most reasonable solution, esp. if you have no assets.  Most debts will be discharged, and depending on the particular situation w/back taxes it's possible that they may be discharged as well.  The student loans are the most difficult to get rid of, but if you can show permanent disability and real hardship, it is possible (though not easy or certain) that you can erase them as well.

I'd suggest that anyone in this situation talk to a lawyer, which you've probably already done if you're going through the SS disability process.  If not, and you really can't afford one, there may be free legal services in your community, or through a cancer-related organization, which can help.

Feel free to PM me and I'll see what I can find near you.

hopeinfitcher

 good evening Victoria! read my story.we same agos with you.Maybe,write something  me,...

DragonGirl

Nancy,

 Yes, I hear you. I've been there. My only good fortune is that I was diagnosed with Stage IV BC (ha ha). Yes, strangely enough, the fact that I was able to get Social Security Disability because I was stage four was a blessing. Otherwise, I would be in your shoes still today. It took time for me to get my claim approved though, and I went through an experience similar to what you are going through now. First off glad you connected with temporary assistance. That's good. I assume you are elgible for and receiving Medicaid, right? Have you applied for food stamps? You qualify, get those. You'll have to say you are not sharing food with your mother on the forms otherwise they'll lower the amount you get. Also if you are hiding any money away in bank accounts, move it now so it doesn't get in the way of your Food Stamps. (If you get classified as permanently disabled by social security then you can have savings and still get food stamps.) You should be OK with owning the car but double check that before you apply. You might have to transfer the title into someone elses name temporarily. I agree with a previous poster that getting some help (i.e., therapy) can make a BIG difference. Many hospitals have Charity Care programs which will pay the cost of your visits (as well as some doctor's visits, ER bills etc.) so if you are having problems with those kind of bills despite your medicaid coverage look into that. I don't know exactly how far Queensbury is from Albany, but St. Peter's Hospital in Albany does have a charity care program as well as a Behavioral Health department that provides counseling for cancer survivors. They also have a new Oncology Department as well as a FABULOUS radiation oncology deparmtent. As far as your housing situation goes, that has to be terrible. You need your own space. Have you looked into subsidized housing? Given your situation you should qualify. You'll have to do some research to get yourself into a decent neighborhood probably, but you may be able to find something. It all depends on where you live how bad the public housing is. The best way to find this kind of housing is to look your city's website for links. Also, check out local religious organizations (i.e., Charities or Jewish Community Center) for help. You don't have to be that religion for these folks to help you. You may be able to find better housing through them. You CAN get pretty good subsidized housing in Albany if you are classified as disabled through social security. I can tell you all about that if Albany is an option for you. If it is and you want to communicate directly with me, post back here (I'll check back). I haven't put my personal information on the list but I'll do that for you so we can connect. I know all about support services and the ins and outs of Medicaid, Disability services, etc. in Albany since I live there. I'd be happy to help you out with info.

I'm in a similar boat to you, I have a BFA and almost finished my master's degree (before getting cancer) and even if I could work I'd be hard pressed to find anything that paid remotely what I was used to. You may have to settle for a JOB JOB, you know, just something to pay the bills and get you on your feet. The good news about these jobs is that they are no brainers, you don't get paid much but you also don't have to make decisions. You punch in, do stupid things for a few hours and punch out. You don't take work home with you. That's the last thing you need! Good places to look where they might offer part-time employee insurance coverage if you want to start off slow is Home Depot, Lowes and United Parcel Service. I don't know what you did before but places like the Home Depot and Lowes would probably snap you up since you are educated well beyond their average employee. The pay is usually slightly above minimum wage...but you can negoitate up depending on how you can relate your old experience to working at the store. Listen, I know it just sucks. Believe me, when I first tried to go back to work I just couldn't believe what kinds of wages I was going to have to accept, but remember that it is not permanent! The best way to deal with your situation and the accompanying depression is to take ONE DAY AT A TIME! Don't worry about anything else. Set goals for yourself. Baby steps. 1) Get a job, any job. 2) Get an apartment 3) Get your wits about you! You've been through hell but you can do it! Don't worry about the student loans, you can get them deferred easily. You'll only have to pay what you can afford, and if that is nothing, so be it. The tax man can be put off too. Sometimes you can negotiate down what you owe. Look up your local tax advocate. Call the state's department of taxation and finance and ask for information regarding if there is a public advocate near you. I know for a fact that there is one in Albany and could dig up the contact infomrationn for you. I owed them too. There are people out there that CAN help you with that. Also, if the divorce created the tax liability, have you considered filing as an "injured spouse?" If your ex-husband did things with the money and taxes that you weren't aware of there is relief for you under the tax laws.

I am so sorry that you had to give up your cats. That has been one of my greatest fears all along, so I really understand how hard that must have been. You might want to try this for your dog...contact a local AIDS support organization and ask if they know about any services provided for AIDS patients with regard to pet fostering. I do know that these kind of services are available in some areas and may not be limited to use by people with aids. It's a long shot but give it a try. Also contact local rescue organizations for whatever particular breed of dog you have. They may be willing to provide a foster home on a temporary basis for you, these people tend to be passionate about their animals and could imagine the situation you are in. Remember, it doesn't hurt to ask. I've encountered some amazingly giving people in the most unexpected places under the most unusual circumstances during my BC ordeal. The worst that can happen is they say no, right?

I am praying for you. I know you can do this, but please do reach out and get some counseling because you just can't go through this alone, OK?

 I'll check back.

 Snooch

Sierra

Hi Nancy:

I am in similar situation to you

wont post a lot of detail here

as never know if family read or what

Anyway, I lost my job before my dx

and they certainly do discriminate on age

was d. sized in my fifties, then could not get

work and had trouble with neuropathy etc

I am holding you in special thoughts

and beautiful rainbow of light

I had to d. size a lot, give up a v. nice apt.

and go into Seniors Housing, what can you do?

I am blessed to be here

I am very much praying that you can keep your dog.

You can not let him go.  And someone else here posted

re their cat.  Your cat is an asset, animals are wonderful

they keep us even tempered even if we are broke

Hugs,

Sierra

To LL12:  You are never alone

and sometimes people who have family

it is not as it seems, they do not get on

for whatever reasons. 

to the gals with Senior parents:  I understand

this as well, as am dealing with some family

in Nursing Home, and it can be frustrating

My best wishes to all at this thread