I'm approaching my cancerversary

Emily2008

...and I'm really struggling these days.  May 14 will be one year from my dx.  In this past year I've had 3 major surgeries (one more to go in June), chemo, and am on Tamoxifen.  It's been a lot to deal with, especially with 3 kids, but by God's grace I've come this far.  I just have found myself so emotional lately.  I cry, feel scared, feel sorry for myself, worry about my future and my genetic status (I'm BRCA 2), feel bad about my sliced and diced body, etc.  I feel alone, and am so sick of thinking about and talking about my health, yet it's like the big elephant in the room!  My joints ache, I have hot flashes (thank you, Tamoxifen), and I've gained 12 pounds since my dx.  All of these factors are with me everyday and I can't rise above them anymore.  I'm just so sad.

 Anybody else feel this way as they approached their cancerversary?

kira66715

Emily, our anniversaries are very similar, and I'm having a rough time as mine approaches--thinking, this time last year I didn't know yet....

So much has happened, and so much has changed and I feel sad also.

I deal with LE every day, so it's not like I can conveniently forget the bc.

I would say that this is grief, and we have a right to it, and rising above it is nothing we should hold ourselves accountable for.

There's been a lot on the boards about positive attitudes, and yet there are times we're sad/angry/overwhelmed.

Moogie talked about making a couple of lists: things that have changed that I have no control over and things that I do have control--seems like a good idea to me (although I haven't done it yet.)

We've been though some rough stuff, and are still dealing with the fall out. Seems reasonable to me that it effects us.

Kira 

Emily2008

Thanks for your response, Kira.  You're right--this IS grief.  I think in the heat of battle, going through surgeries, recovery, chemo, I was in survival mode and just trying to make it through each day.  Now that I'm (almost) done and coming up on one year, I can take a breath and think about what I've been through.  Then I get overwhelmed.

Everyone on the boards says that it gets easier with time, and I've got to believe that's true.  Probably just these anniversaries are going to be hard each time they come up.

We've got to hang in there; after all, what's the alternative, right?

lexislove

I am 20 months out from diagnosis. My 2 year Cancerversary is in September. My first year anniversary was hard. I reflected a lot. When you are in treatment you are so wrapped up with chemo,rads and endless apointments. Running around so you will be on time ect. My daughter was 2 when I was diagnosed, so nevermind chemo ect, I had her to run around with!

When Sep 14 came around, I remember being at the park with my daughter and saying WTF just happened? Did I go through all of that and still remaine somewhat saine? It was emotional but not in a crying way...I had anger. I saw the extra weight on me.I was "creeky" in my walking and still achey.My hair was 1/2 inch long. I felt horrible about myself.I decided at that moment that I had let cancer have enough of my time. I moved on and jumped into a weightloss goal and saw a natural path.

And yes...it does get easier with time. I don't have BC on my mind every second of the day.It's not the last thing I think of before bed and the first thing when I wake up. I can come on these boards now and read ladies personal stories,good and bad, and not get overly emotional. There was a time when I would come on here and see someone who progressed or who had a mets diagnosis and cry...and cry.For the following 2 days I was a mess and convinced it was going to happen to me too.My husband had to take the computer keyboard away and lock it in his trunk!

I've come a loooooong way and you WILL get to that point to.

mzmiller99

My day is on the 16th of May.  Right now, I don't feel anything.  Maybe I will when the day comes. 

On one hand, I suppose it's the day my life started over.  But, on the other hand, it was just another day, with a bit more drama than usual.

I am strong... I am woman!!!  It is sunny, it's Mother's Day.  I'm alive.

 However, tomorrow, I may feel differently.

Susan

Isabella4

Emily....I share May 14th as my anniversary, this next Thursday will be my 6th.

I have been quietly building up to it for weeks, its crazy, isn't it ??

I think about it on and off all day, and most of the night, I sleep very badly so in the wee small hours it bugs me. I just wish I could clear my mind, but I can't. I have tried and tried to 'forget', but how on earth can you forget something so life threatening and nightmarish as cancer.

I understand exactly how you are feeling, and the awful alone feeling.It does slowly get a little easier as time goes by but its always THERE. How you cope with 3 children I just don't know, I get so ratty if people start to want things from me, I cannot cope with trivial things anymore and can be downright rude if I don't want to see someone.

I always buy myself a little present on the 14th,and take myself out for a trip alone. Two years DH has come with me, but not because he remembered, if he hadn't asked me why I was off on a trip he would never have known it was a special day to me. He has forgotten again this year, and has already booked up his Thursday, so I shall take myself out and spend some of his cash !!!

Thinking of you Thursday....anniversary buddy !!

Isabella.