Partner Less than Supportive?

BostonGirl

Hi all, I am new to the group. My bilateral mastectomy is scheduled for May 11 after a March 10 lumpectomy. It's been a long wait and has put a lot of stress on my family (partner, 2 older daughters and son).

I've read a lot about wonderful partners and husbands who are just great, always there, and know what to say and do.

I wonder if anyone has dealt with a partner who is less than supportive, like mine. She just doesn't know what to do with me. I had expected that she would be very supportive, warm, comforting, etc., but instead she's pulled away from me. No holding me, no hugs, no doing anything thoughtful to get me through the day. Instead, she has found a new, great friend whom she wants to spend time with.

We argue all the time now and it's put so much stress on me. I've missed the last two days of work because I just could not get up and face the day. We've been on and off separated for the past few weeks. We've been together over 8 years and are married.

I just don't get it. I'm in shock over her behavior and don't know what to do. I never would have expected this. I feel so alone and sad.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you get through it? Thank you for any thoughts you have.

idaho

Hi Bostongirl.  I am so sorry you have to go through this and then have a partner that is being unfair to you.  I can relate to what you are going through.  Even though my partner is male and we have been married 24 years.  He has pulled away to the point he won't even hold my hand.  This is when I need him to be touchy-feely the MOST!  I don't know what to tell you about how to get through it, I am right in the middle of it too.  I just wanted you to know that there is someone else out here that is probably feeling the way you are right now.  I think after this is all over I am going to leave.  If your spouse cannot pull it together and help you when you need it the most, then I don't think you should have to put up with them. Are there any friends that are being extra helpful right now?  Those are the people you should migrate to. Take care of yourself, you can also keep posting here and find great friends.  Hugs- Tami  (My sister in law is from Boston!)

AnnNYC

Hang in there, Bostongirl.

I know that besides the supportive partners, all too many women here, lesbian and straight, have had -- um -- less-than-supportive partners...  I'm sure others will be here to tell their stories.  I so agree with Tami that it's a big drag to put up with someone who can't step up when you need them the most.

I hope your spouse will see the error of her ways -- to me, spending a lot of time with a new friend would have made me furious.  You just need to do whatever you can to take care of yourself.

Of course, having your partner be there for you and your kids would help take care of you -- but why should you have to expend energy and worry trying to "fix" her so she'll do that?  (Can you just forcefully say something like, "I really need you now, our family really needs you now, and if you have some psychological issues about illness that are causing you to step off from us, I think you should go talk to a counselor about your issues right now. Because I need you to put your issues aside and be here."  Or else?)

Please just hang onto what you need to do for yourself, and hang on to the people who are being helpful and supportive (as Tami said)!

This really sucks, and I'm sorry.  I want you to be able to concentrate all your energy on yourself getting through surgery and healing!

Hugs,

Ann

NoH8

I'm sorry that you're having trouble communicating with your partner, Breast cancer effects not only those of us whi are diagnosed, but also our family and friends. Ideally, you shouldn't have to take care of your wife's anxieties surrounding your cancer, but that happens sometimes. Have you talked to her about what she's feeling re: your dx and been specific about what you need from her?  Loving someone with cancer unfortunately doesn't come with a handbook and if you're having trouble being specific with what you need from her, she might be at a loss. Almost always the people who love us want to do the best they can by us, even if their approach is awkward. My advice to you is to communicate, communicate, communicate and you'll find your way.

Lovegolf

Sorry to hear I was Dx 4/20 so less than a week....but my partner is being great.  The first day after we found out she re-arranged the garage and I spent the wole day reading up on line.  I realized we cope in different ways...I hope the two of you can get to that point.  The whole thing is some stressful. I would suggest being a counselor  TALK...

oneheadlight

Hey BGirl!

Has it gotten better for you at all? How are the kids taking things? Write  me and we can talk about anything. Most of all, take care of yourself and let others go for a little while.

In the end, I just could not judge anyone's reaction to my cancer.

Be gentle with your self, sister!

Susie

NoH8

In the end, I just could not judge anyone's reaction to my cancer.  What a great quote Susie and I love your name!

BostonGirl

Thanks so much everyone for your supportive words!

Fortunately, in the last week, things HAVE gotten better. I'm not really sure why other than we had a really great heart-to-heart in which I was able to tell her some really deeply personal things that I hadn't even realized this that minute. Breast cancer has made me feel a little "left behind." Has anyone else had this feeling? I can't play the sport I love right now (ice hockey) which all my friends play. I'm on the sidelines and that feels awful.

I was really able to verbalize a lot of my own insecurities around BC when I allowed myself to really open up (I came from an Irish Catholic family and I was taught to just suck it up so I'm not really good at the sharing thing!)

Plus my eldest daughter (29) had a heart-to-heart with her as well and mentioned some really tangible things she could be doing.

So yes, things look a bit hopeful now. Two weeks to go till my surgery and I'm dreading every single minute waiting!

Thank you all!!!!

NoH8

I am really glad to hear that boston! The waiting was always the worst part for me too... talk about time moving slooooooooooowly.

dee1961

BG,

Good luck with your upcoming surgery, you will do great. Kepp us posted on how you are doing.

Best wishes (((((HUGS)))))) 

Lovegolf

Boston

Good luck let us know. You will be strong

Anonymous

I can't remember where I read this, but it stayed with me:  The people around us are as shocked and frightened as we are, and have different ways of handling that fear.  Breast cancer is a blanket problem that, like it or not, drapes itself over everyone who loves us. Some people go into caretaker overdrive, while others pull back because they're terrified or don't know how to handle a crisis like this. Sounds like your partner is having a difficult time taking on this burden. If you're at a good cancer care center, they'll probably have counseling resources that you and she can access, which I strongly recommend. 

My husband and I had a very long and painful discussion about this soon after my diagnosis - initially, he pulled back, too, but came around and is now a great partner.  We've done counseling before and it's really paying off right now!  However, there are some things he just can't deal with (like cooking...).  I've come to realize that our supporters have their own limitations - I decided that I'd have to be grateful for all the incredible things that my husband offers, and respect that there are certain things he can't offer.... rather than feel disappointed that he's not transformed into the combination of Florence Nightingale and Julia Child that I'd so love to have right now... 

mkurtzman

My wife was extremely supportive when I came down with BC.  I was really ill from the chemo and radiation and so I put my wife through the mill. 

Now guess what, my wife came down with colon cancer and so now I have to be her support.

dbatt

My partner of 12 years has just informed me she no longer wants to be my partner. All of this is suppose to bring you closer to your loved one but all it has done is put stress on our relationship and drag us apart. We agured the other day because I freaked out after leaving a restutaunt and couldn't find my debt card i called her on the phone frantically yelling and when i got home she just looked at me and said I'm going for a walk. The day after this was going to be my first chemo treatment and that night she said nothing to me not even I'm really upset at you for yelling at me or anything so the next morning i got up and went to chemo alone i told her she didn't need to go if we couldn't even say good night to one another and allowed each other to go to bed angry Ididn't need her with me. So after not talking since wednesday evening she tells me today I don't want to be your partner anymore more.

NoH8

I'm so sorry dbatt, the timing is awful.  Right now you have to concentrate on taking care of yourself, which is hard enough with either a break up or starting chemo. Putting the two together must be unbearable.  I hope that you've got a lot of friends and loved ones to rely on right now, although I know that won't make up for losing your partner.  I was single during chemo and I often thought that I was fortunate because I didn't have to deal with a wife's reactions and issues about my cancer. I don't know what your relationship was like before chemo or if this is something you want to try to salvage, but perhaps you can suggest couple's therapy if you want to give it a go.

Please lean on us all that you need to.

BTW, how did chemo go?

dbatt

Thanks for your support. Yes all this is tough but I do have good family and friends supporting me. Not sure if she wants to try anymore, over the past few days she has talked to me but of nothing significant just basic stuff but I gotta try to concentate on me but it's hard. As far as chemo goes I'm doing REALLY good I don't have much of an appetiate and my stomach has been upset alot but it seems to be getting back to normal. I am walking in the morning and doing little things around the house. all and all can't complain about the chemo just the heartbreak..

NoH8

Sounds to me like you're giving her all the power to make decisions. What do YOU want? Right now going through cancer you might not feel like you have any power, but you can figure out what it is that you want. If you want to give it a try, let her know, don't just sit passively by waiting for her to make the move. Tell her what you want and how you feel, even if she doesn't feel the same way at least you've made your voice heard and you'll know at least you comnmunicated your needs. People get weird around our cancers sometimes. I HATED when people treated me differently because I was going through chemo. I needed them to treat me normal and not like a sick person. When I got frustrated and told them, they confessed not being sure what to do. I know my cancer effected them and in some ways I think it was harder watching me suffer than doing the suffering myself. Earlier you said something about cancer bring people closer. In my experience it can also widen the gap between people. The experience helped teach me who my real friends were and what was important in life.

dbatt

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Tamara1201

dbatt, I've been thinking about your situation today, and how people react in general when they find out you have cancer.  I've had a few strange reactions from some long term friends, not the same situation, but it's almost like they are distancing themselves from me for some reason. I'm not a Psychologist, and don't even play one on TV lol, but from observing people over the years, I think sometimes when people are faced with the possibitly of losing someone, as when they have cancer, they feel like they need to do ahead and distance themselves so it won't be quiet as hard. Not that any of that in reality is true, but they feel like they are avoiding future pain or something. I mean 12 years is a really long time to be together for her to just change, assuming things were all okay before this?  She probably needs to talk to someone, but sounds like she's not the type to do that. I'm really sorry you are having to deal with that on top of all the cancer, chemo, side effect issues too. We are all here for you though, it seems like with the number of people on here someone always has some insight into what you are going through

BostonGirl

So here I am 4 months out of my surgery. Just had the nipple reconstruction and some tweaking yesterday. Have only one drain which is a blessing compared to 6 the first time!

Unfortunately, my partner of 9 years and I did not make it through this crisis. We have been separated since one month after my surgery and I am very doubtful we will make it.

I am still shocked at her response to my cancer, her subsequent distance, and the time she spends with her new friend. The word "hurt" doesn't even come close.

I have been seeing a therapist once a week and that has saved my life. I don't know if I would have made it withouth my therapist and my children.

Emotionally, things are indeed better with me but I still have truly awful days, days when I can't get out of bed and get to work.

I continually try to understand my partner's response to the cancer, and I may never. Today, I focus on me, my future, and all the other sources of love I have in my life. Cancer sure changes you - for bad and some good, thankfully!

dee1961

I'm sorry to hear about your partners betrayal at such a crucial time in your life. I am glad to hear you are getting help and finding a way to get through it. You sound a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. I am still waiting for my exchange surgery, probably will be in Nov early Dec for me. I am not looking forward to the drains again either, but will be glad to get this done an over. Nips will be sometime early next year. Take care and keep in touch.

 Dee~ 

cindoe

BostonGirl,

Sorry to hear that your partner was weak ,but you stay strong! I am posting under my partner,that just passed,   log in.  I don't know what you are going through first hand, I mean the feelings, but I do know, as a partner who loved my Chris, I had to be strong for her. You deserve that. This is all about you right now,you need only your true peeps by your side right now.

Cyn

dee1961

Hi Cyn,

So sorry to hear about your partner. My heart goes out to you and both of your families. How are you doing? We are here to talk if you need.

Peace be with you, Dee~

cindoe

Hey Dee,

It's been rough, keep second guessing all we done. trying not to hate the world right now. Sometimes I don't think I can get through this, but I probably will. I just know it will take me a long time. Thanks for asking. Hope you are doing well.

Cyn

chainsawz

Cyn,  I really do appreciate you posting on this site about your experience with this horrible journey.  My partner of 11 years is an amazing support for me, which I now realize is a special gift.  We read your posts on the stage IV forum and we cried together for the pain you and your partner experienced.  I am so sorry the monster took your love and you need to love the world for her now.  I tell my partner I will be sad if she hates the world when I am gone.  I don't want her to remember me and be sad, I want her to be happy when she thinks of me and enjoy things we used to do since I won't be able to....I want my legacy to be one of good feelings, not bad.  I know it is a normal part of the grieving process to be angry, just don't stay there :>  I did see your post about the telethon and Oprah - what an amazing way to honor your partner!!  Best to you!! lisa

cindoe

Lisa,

Thanks  I'm sure I won't stay angry, but I am at times. You make good points about remembering the good times. It's hard to think of the good times and not be sad. I am one to tell everyone how I feel, even if they don't ask,LOL, so I don't wanna sound like too much of a whinner. I have great respect for people that can be all positive about losing someone, I guess I just can't do it with dignaty right now. I was strong thru the whole journey, but now I feel so weak Oh sht, don't know if I am making any sense,been a long day. Thanks for your input, I know Chris would want me to be happy, You know the saying... your better half, well I feel I lost half of me, I lost my mom and dad, and I loved them very much, but this is so way differnt. Well better get off of here,thanks again! Thanks for letting me wallow in my self pity. I'm sure the sadness will lift.

Take Care,

Cyn

chainsawz

Cyn - I can't even imagine the sadness you are experiencing.  This disease is so horrible.  My partner lost her dad, mom then her best friend.....and now I am facing this monster.  When I say I want her to be happy, I think it is my selfishness because I don't want to feel guilty for causing someone such pain.  You have a right to be sad, mad because you lost your partner and it's just not right.  Thanks for being so open about this nightmare because it actually helps me with my situation.  I need to allow her to grieve and be sad...lisa

cindoe

Lisa, You aren't going anywhere for a long long time, so enjoy each other and be happy!!!!

Cyn

unklezwifeonty

Dear BostonGirl,

Sorry to hear that your partner caused you further pain in your time of suffering. When we marry someone we are supposed to marry them for good and bad times. But unfortunately the real world is like this. In a way it is good that you found out her true character.

Please focus on getting well. You will find others who will be grateful for your companionship.

Love

LaurPat

  I am newly diagnosed and have not had the experiences yet that most of you have gone through. This topic is eye opening to me and now makes me curious as to how my partner will act throughout my treatment. So far she has been very suppertive but I just wonder what the future holds. As much as you need people at this time for support, take the opportunity to strengthen yourself so that if need be, you can have the knowledge that you are strong enough to stand on your own. As hard as that may be........Good luck

ebarnes48

my partner has been great the only thing is she wont touch were the scare is, she has gone through  having people with BC twice, her sister was going through it then I was diagnosed with it  so my parnter had it rough,  we had wonderful and bad news  in march I was told Im cancer free  and her sister died from it.