bad bad bad day

idaho

I have been crying all day.  Drove myself to radiation (hour each way) and cried all the way there and home.  I think everything just hit me all at once.  My brother died of colon cancer a year and a half ago, my mother died of breast cancer last year, and I found out I have bc 2 months ago.  It is a long story but I was in the process of leaving my mentally abusive husband when I found out I have cancer.  The day before surgery I lost my job, so needless to say I am stuck.  We had just got out of debt before my dx, and when I got home he felt the need to "vent", It's all about him.  He has not been supportive at all, the only appointment he has been to was to drive me to surgery and home because my sister couldn't.  He was not happy about that either.  He told me today that he was sick of me not doing anything ( I have 3 teenagers, one is special needs), They are running me ragged and plus the drive every day to radiation.  He blames me for getting us in debt again, etc. etc. etc.  I have been looking for a job, but no one will hire me because I have to take 3 hours off a day for radiation.  I feel like I am in a deep deep hole with no way out.  Thanx for listening.  Tami

mizbabygirl4

Tami - I'm struck by how often, when bad things happen, they happen all at once--or at least it sometimes feels that way. I really feel for you, but it won't be long before you finish rads, and then maybe things will begin to settle down again--but give yourself time to recover! If there's any way you can put off looking for a job for a few weeks, do it! I can't imagine trying to find a new job during treatment or its immediate aftermath! It's sad that your dh is not understanding, but don't let him push you into things you're not ready for! He may not be supportive, but don't let that stop you from supporting yourself and carving out some time to regain your health. This will pass, in time, and then you can pick up where you left off. I know it's easier said than done (I've had my own mentally abusive dh), but please try to give yourself what other people can't or won't.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Janet 

LittleFlower

(((TAMI))))

So sorry for all the loss you've experienced in your family.  I've never understood why some people have so many burdens to shoulder, while others seem to skate through life.  I just wanted to chime in and remind you that this is all temporary.  The radiation treatments are tiresome and take alot out of your day, so rest, get through treatment, then in no time you'll be able to devote your energy to finding a job, if that's what you want to do.  You're in treatment....be kind to yourself!  Take a deep breath hon, one day at a time.

priz47

Tami,

I am so sorry you are going through so much! I do understand how you feel, my mom died in Oct of ovarian cancer and my DH is less than supportive. he complains nonstop of bills btw me and my son. He has seizures which are getting worse. Can your other teenagers help out? I agree, wait till after rads to look for a job. Try to take care of yourself and not let your DH get to you. I am into protecting myself and just going day by day. I cannot afford to leave, but I also cannot take much more. Be kind to yourself and come here to talk.

D

mmm5

Idaho-

My heart gos out to  you! I know  how you feel, last year all was going well or so I thought and I was dxed with BC in April, my 8 year old son was dxed with Juvenile Diabetes in June (the day before I started chemo) My DH lost his job in October! I cried all the time and going on Arimidex did not help! I started seeing a therapist (actually one that specializes in meditation) it has helped me in all phases of my life. My Husband went through a bad time with all the stress too and he was less than supportive for a few months that got back on board when we all were able to calm down (including me) and reprioritize our lives! I know bills are important but not as much as your well being and health, If those things can be addressed first the other will come next!

If expense is an issue try to get some books and meditations on cd or ipod and work through some of your emotions through journaling and let your DH deal with his anxiety don't buy into his rants about debt and bills just walk away then he will have to deal with his anxieties as well instead of projecting them on you!

Take care and BE well!

FLMel

• I agree that you need to finish your rads before you look for a job. Remember, we don't have debtors prison in America. So if you can't pay the bills, you just can't pay them. When you get a job you'll be able to and they better take payments or they get nothing. Keep up your house note and your utilities, food and the kids' needs and tell everyone else to bunk it. Also, see if there are resources in your area to help women who have breast cancer. Radiation is emotionally taxing and I don't think people understand how psychologically devasting it can be. And one more thing, have you tried Xanax? Call your doc and tell her you need something to make it through this. And don't let her give you a prescription. Ask for some free samples. You don't need to feel like this.

dreamwriter

Idaho:

You said that your husband is mentally abusive.  He pulls you down when you already feel down.  The whole situation saps your energy.  And then add on all the household chores, looking for a job and 3 hours for radiation and travel.  Anyone would need help in this condition.  I have a husband who vents too.  I am still with him but he has toned down his rants.  Would having a family member over would the venting vanish.... I do believe that you need to sit him down and calmly say that you are thinking of leaving him.  You do understand the health bills but he agreed to hold you in sickeness and in health.  You can tell him that yes you have become the centre of attention but he should be man enough to deal with it.  And if not, you would be willing to to have someone else help him to deal with it (social worker, therapist, visiting doctor).  Most will think about their behaviour and apologize. 

If you feel that this is no help for you and hubby wouldnt be receptive to counselling.  Pack and leave.taking the children with you.  Finding his home deserted is a real shocker.  But you do need help to get to that new address

Anonymous

Tami, honey, I just read this - I am so sorry you're having such a bad time with your family.  I'm thinking of you - will drop you a PM.  Laura

Sierra

Hi there:

You sure have a plate full

here and MORE

Whilst I can not advise you what to do

Plse take care of yourself

so important...

something will turn up

the wheel of life will change for you

It is only possible to do one thing at a time

and one day at a time

can u get some counselling

Don't let anyone drain you

or sent toxic waves your way

if possible.  In all honesty, I had

a nasty mate at times during my TX

and my team told me:  to focus on myself

get better

Hugs, Sierra

ps.. Remember Eleanor Roosevelt, a fine woman

said:

No one makes you feel inferior without your consent

Pick out some quotes and creedos

and say them all the time

Anonymous

May I agree that Xanax is a good medication to ask about.

Also, does your husband's health plan cover therapy and/or counseling - because not just your physician, but a psychologist and psychiatrist should help you determine your level of distress.  You may need regular therapy, regular therapy and medication, or monitored every 2 weeks to 3 months of both to get through this time.

If you don't take care of yourself, it is so much harder to be the support for the others.  You didn't cause or bring any of this on yourself.  Your plate is full.  I think if it comes to divorce that leaving the house with the children isn't a good thing unless you get the abuse documented with your therapists first - hint hint.  Don't let his lawyer say you abandoned anything - you were shoved out.

Love in Christ,

Sessna1

idaho

Thanx for all the great tips ladies.  I am feeling better, Still have to live with A*%$$^&&, but I guess that goes along with being stuck.  No money, No moving.  Maybe someday.  I think I was just having a down day, you know, you have all probably been there.  I wish I could get psychological help throug this.  We just don't seem to get that in the U.S. My husband does not have any insurance, and since i got layed off the day before my surgery I don't either.  I am just concentrating on getting better so I can do something about this situation.  I agree that finding an empty house would probably wake him up, by then it will be to late.  Thanx to all of you, Hugs- Tami

priz47

idaho,

can you ask for help where you get treatment? Most cancer treatment centers have social workers who you can talk to. Maybe you can call them and ask. I know what it is like to be stuck. With this economy, it is hard to think about leaving. I am so aggravated at my DH tonight. I was in a car accident this afternoon (rear-ended) and he's all worried abt the car! Everytime I think I can continue, he does something to put me over the edge! I am seriously considering antidepressants if I can. My onc wants me to stay off any extra meds if possible. i just know I cannot stay unhappy like this.

D

mzmiller99

D - What quality of life do you have if you are miserably depressed?  I don't know why your onco wouldn't want you feeling healthy mentally, as well as physically? 

If they help you through this stress, then you are better able to take care of yourself.  And, we know stress is counter-productive.  I wonder if he/she has medical evidence that anti-depressants somehow interfere with tx?

Good luck, but do what you need to do to take care of you.

Susan

priz47

I do think I need to do something. I feel like running away and never coming back! And I keep thinking of what I need to do before I actually leave! I am going on a retreat this weekend, so hopefully I will come back with a better frame of mind. I will call her when I get back. I was in a car accident yesterday and just feel so weepy. I can't keep pretending everything is fine.

D

mzmiller99

Oh, Glory, D!!  Are you OK?  Car accidents seem to be a happening thing on these boards!

I hope your retreat gives you some peace of mind and the strength to go forward.  How strange our lives have become - as if we didn't have enough to deal with. 

A good friend of mine has had MS for years and today we were discussing which was worse - MS or BC.  We didn't come to any conclusion, other than how crappy it was to have either.  And, since that has nothing to do with anything, I think I need to go home!

 Good luck this weekend,

Susan

nelia48

Idaho, I hope tings are looking a little better for you today!  You know, there are so many places that will help you out with things.  I only just heard of the "Cleanin' for a Reason" or something like that.  They will come and clean your house for you during your treatments.  There are other services, too, that I've heard of.  Don't be too proud to ask around.  Like someone else said, there are usually people at your place of treatment that will know of where to get help.  I was lucky enough to get on disability.  Wish I had known earlier that I qualified.  You just don't know what's out there until you start asking and hunting!