I want my nightmares to STOP!!!

Held

Ok, it is been a year and a half since my dx and my mastectomy was October 2007.  Don't you think that is enough time for all this drama to be out of my mind?  I don't think about it constantly anymore, but it is on my mind more than I would like it to be.

I occasionally also have what I can only describe as a "flash back".  It is like I am right there  outside the OR waiting, crying, hysterical all over again.  I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach.  I can even feel my breathing change.

I can not watch any show that show surgery because I start to think about what my doctor did.

Last night I had a HORRIBLE nightmare.  There I was, waiting my turn outside the OR, waiting to be chopped into pieces, waiting to be drawn on by my PS, and I started crying, got up and tried to leave.  It was so real.  I woke up in tears.  I wish that part of my brain came with an "OFF" switch. 

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPp

lexislove

Held.....

It took me a year to finally realize that I needed some "medication " help. I avoided it..thinking my feelings and 20 wake ups a night would go on there own. But no....untill I went to my family doctor and was telling her my ordeals. She then said, "you don't have to be going through this..."

I knew she was right and gave in. I started out on the lowest dose of Effexor 35mg and I take 75mg now daily. It has helped me tremendously!!!  DO I think about BC? yes.....but I don not get emotional and have anxiety attacks anymore. This is not going to be permanent, maybe a year or so...just to get out of this rough zone.

Consider it...and talk with your docs...there are MANY..MANY woman who take anti depressants after a diagnosis of BC.

Best of luck to you ~*~*~*

mzmiller99

Held - This does seem like the never ending tale, doesn't it?  It's so difficult not to let the bc take over and define our lives.  I'm only about nine months out - some days are worse than others, to be sure, but I think my meds do help. 

Are you taking anything for anxiety?  Or depression?  Many of us do.  Your reaction sounds like post traumatic distress.  Are you seeing a therapist?  Many of us do.  I'm fortunate to see someone who works at the cancer center near me, so he knows what we go through.

My other thought is, and this goes along with the stress, that I teach kindergarten and I have the worst class that I have ever had in 25 years!  I don't want to go to school.  Everytime I walk through the door I hope it will be a better day, but usually, by the time we are all in the room at 8 AM, the trouble begins and desn't end until they leave at 2:30. 

It is nearly constant and hasn't improved much since September.  I have spent most of this year planning my immediate retirement!  I can't convince myself that I'm not to blame, even though, everyone who deals with this class says they are the worst they've seen yet.

Why am I telling you this?  Well, guess what I dream about EVERY night?  Without fail.  I started going to the therapist more for this than for the cancer, but I can see how much talking with someone has helped me get through this year.

That and an increase in my meds have helped.  He also highly reccommends meditation and relaxation exercises to relive the stress.  I'm not much of a meditator - I'm too ADD!  But, it is another option, if you haven't tried it already.

Hopes for relief and hugs for comfort,

Susan

roseg

Not to be discouraging, but I don't think the whole experience started receeding for me until about the 3rd year. So don't worry, it is normal. For me it took a lot longer than anybody every me it would.

The part where the PS drew on me was very unreal when it happened but I don't think I've ever dreamed about that -- thank God!  

I hear you about doctor shows too! I turn to crime and murder over hospitals any day.

You can google dream dictionaries online. You can enter images from your dreams and get ideas about what your dreams might be trying to help you with. 

 I think that our dreams are efforts by our minds to process things that have happened to us or that we're concerned about. Hopefully yours is just replaying these awful time so they can be compressed and archived off in ancient-history land, just like you'd copy your old files to a CD before deleting them from your hard-drive.

lexislove

I find that my mind is constantly racing. Even though I'm tired...my brain is always buzing. So it takes me about 2 hours to GET to sleep ...by that time its midnight or later..Uggghhh

rumoret

Held,

I had to take Ativan in order to turn off the Cancer Tape Recorder playing in my head. After my 4th TAC treatment a week later I landed in the hospital with a small bowel obstruction (reaction that can occur near your 5th treatment on Taxotere label). It was only then that I took my 1st Anxiety pill for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

I also will not watch medical shows or crime shows. I like documentary and comedy movies.....and I enjoy watching History Channel.

I am 3 years out this April 20th.....which is my birthday and the day I had a lumpectomy. I did end up doing a mastectomy on May 9th......if I remember correctly. So it is a long haul.......and even visiting these boards can be stressful for me at times....but some posts beg me to respond.

Sending you hugs,

Terry 

ICanDoThis

You know, I got laid off about 2 months ago from the job I struggled to pretend I cared about as I slogged through BC and PTSD.

The new job seems to have changed a whole bunch of the pathways in my head. My sleep schedule is different, my drive to work (many of which I sobbed through) is different, my job responsibilities are different.

I haven't had a nightmare in the longest time. I had one the other night, and realized that it was the anniversary of a very traumatic experience in radiation oncology.

So I guess I'm saying a couple of things - one is that I can't be the only one who has a sort of body memory that responds to anniversaries of events, whether I consciously recalled them or not, the other is that changing some of the elements of our life may help us to get out of these hideous ruts.

desdemona222b

I guess you realize that you're dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when you're talking about lots of terrible nightmares and flash backs.  I would seek professional help - there are meds that address PTSD very efficiently.  There is also a type of therapy they do that has to do with Rapid Eye Movement that is somewhat like hypnosis that resolves it well, although it's very unpleasant.  I had one session and it worked really well - I had the nightmares anyway in spite of medication.

Marple

Some meds can cause nightmares.  If you are on anything check the SE.

barbe1958

When you're dreaming you are processing some of the crap that is still in there. Think of it as getting RID of the bad stuff, instead of continuing it! In other words, you might still have some bad dreams as you search the far corners of your mind to find other crap you want to dump.

Put a different spin on it and it makes sense. 

Held

I like that thought barbe!  Thanks!

lexislove

I was diagnosed in Sep 2007. I had HUGE problems with sleeping even after I finished treatment. I had a lot of anxiety and fear. Make a long story short......I started taking Effexor only 75 mg at the end of January. I helps me tremendously AND lets me sleep! Fantastic you would think, BUT.....and that BUT I have crazy..crazy dreams. Sometimes they are nightmares but most of the time I can't remember them. I'm wondering if it's a se of the Effexor?

leaf

Well, in the package insert listed here, the incidence of 'abnormal dreams' in the Effexor group was 4%. It was 3% in the placebo group. This was in clinical trials, so the incidence may be different in the general population.

http://www.fda.gov/cder/drug/infopage/effexor/default.htm, pg. 21, Table 1

lifegoeson

Hello, this is my first post, although I've been lurking for a few months.  I'm so glad I found this topic.  I was diagnosed in January, and on March 10 (2 months ago today) I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction (LD flap and tissue expanders.)  I've been having nightmares since my surgery and they have gotten worse lately. I have had only a few nightmares in my entire life before this so it's really scary to me.  It's at the point where I'm afraid to go to sleep.  

Held

Hugs lifegoeson!  That must really suck!  Do you take any medication?

flash

lifegoeson- sorry to hear that you're having so much trouble.  I know I had to get some professional help to get rid of mine.  It worked for me.  Hope you find something that works for you.

lifegoeson

I'm not taking any meds that I wasn't taking before the surgery.  I take Cymbalta for depression but I was already taking that before the surgery.

Held

Maybe you can let your doctor know about your nightmares, and see if he/she wants to adjust your medication.  Maybe a little ativan will help.  Are you talking to anyone about what you are going through?