Helping my Mom

addison05

I'm actually the daughter of a breast cancer survior. Luckily we caught it early enough and she had a Mastecomy. She is now going through severe depression and doesn't want to be happy. She is self conscious about her apperance. I try to tell her positive things, but I feel like she just can't believe any of it. I am asking for advice of how to help her. She is already on medicine for the depression and is back to work. It's only been 3 months. Does anyone have any advice for me? Thanks

Binney4

Hi, Addison,

You must be so worried, and I'm so sorry -- what a time it's been for you!

Grief takes time. She has lost a lot in a very short time, with all the fear and worry of the experience taking a toll as well. So often our loved ones assume when the treatment is over we'll be only relieved and fine again, but it's not that easy, or that quick. During the time of the diagnosis and treatment we're just trying to get through it. When it's over we have to sort out SOOOO much stuff. Grief and anger and a new sense of our own vulnerability. Not to mention sheer emotional exhaustion. And I'll say it again: grief. Give her time, support, understanding. Find some way to let her know it's okay with you if she takes her time about this, that her feelings are okay, that she's not dragging you down.

We don't exactly "get over" this. We do arrive at an understanding, and with support we get past the depression, but this experience changes us, and we need time to adjust. It's not all bad, but it's not easy.

Is there a cancer support group around? That can help, because she'd have a chance to talk to others who are feeling the same things she is. Or, if her cancer center has a counselling service perhaps she'd be willing to talk to someone there. For that matter there might even be a care-givers group, where you could share YOUR experience with others who are trying to deal with depressed or withdrawn loved ones. The helplessness and feeling of being on the outside looking in can be so daunting! Please do take good care of yourself -- she needs you!

Hugs to you both,
Binney

Hanna60978

Hi Addison,  I have a daughter who I think is a little younger than you might be if 05 means your graduation year.  It is very hard on the children - even at your age, when their mom's have surgery like this to save their lives.  Your mom is on medication and functioning well enough to be back at work - so this is actually a pretty good thing.  If she were really dysfunctional, she might not be able to work.  Will she be having further treatment, such as chemo or radiation?  Or is the medical part done?  Is she having reconstruction now?  That is where a breast expander is placed under the chest muscle and skin, then slowly inflated in order to stretch the skin so far out that in a few months, she could have the expander taken out and an implant put in.   Many women find having the expander process going on to be very helpful after a mastectomy because they can see the mound of a breast growing everytime the plastic surgeon fills the expander with saline.  If you could bring her to this site, she could make some posts, then gain access to the reconstruction site.  There, she could see if reconstruction would be for her.  It can boost her spirits to see the wonderful possibilities. There are breast reconstruction books you can buy on amazon.com.  One is called something like Creating Aphrodite (I'm not positive of the title but it is written by a woman plastic surgeon who does breast reconstruction).  As your mom becomes more hopeful, you will feel better too. 

Will your mom let you hug her gently?  Getting hugged by my kids was important to me.  It helped me feel whole and loved.  I know it's hard and you feel shaky and need some support too.  You are worrying about your mom and that is hard on you. There is a hole in the bridge right now, but you two being together will mean everything to her.  It doesn't even matter if you are having a super great time.  Just being together and trying to do the normal things is important.  Maybe get your hair and nails done together.  Maybe think of something, like both of you wearing a mom/daughter bracelet, or earrings.  Go to the library together and just sit and read.  Spring is coming, you could go for walks.  Don't be surprised if after work, all she wants to do is stay home.  Maybe watch TV, or read, or get on the computer, then go to bed.  Just let her know you're there. In fact, if you have a problem and need to talk to her....it could very possibly help bring her around.  Mom's always want to help their kids, and feeling needed by you, feeling like you need her advice, will help her!    She'll feel needed.  Think of something to ask her advice about.  Something you really need help or her guidance with.  She'll feel good and useful knowing she has her wisdom to give you.  Ask her to make a favorite dish you love. You could even give her a facial or do her makeup one afternoon.

Meanwhile...there is you.  You are her daughter and probably feel very much like protecting her right now.  That is a pretty big burden to put on yourself - but you know what?   You are helping her more than you know just by caring enough to come here to ask questions.  What can you do?  Well...you could offer to do the grocery shopping and carry in the bags for her. You could unload the dishwasher because reaching up can be hard at first.  You could bring her something you baked, or pick up something special for the two of you to eat.  Or go out for lunch.  Browse around on QVC and look at clothes - especially tops that have cowl necks that she can wear to help her from feeling self-conscious. Maybe buy a nice cami.  Nothing fitted, more the bohemian or gypsy look.   You are a good daughter.  Keep smiling, and helping her out.  I know you have your own life going on, and now would be a good time to include her in your own thoughts about life.  School or work, boyfriends, your girlfriends, hopes and dreams.  Just start talking and let the conversation roll.  Talk about planning a trip when you have some time together to take a little 3 day trip.  She is feeling numb and changed.  But you will always be her daughter and she will always love you even if she is feeling sort of far away at this time.  Stick with her as you have been sweetie. It is hard to have mom be adrift like this, but just keep on loving her and being there for her.   She will remember this time with you forever.