depression

gammy57

I am having a difficult time dealing with all of this. I feel like I have fallen through so many cracks in my treatment and it has prolonged my treatment.I am uninsured(first obstacle) I was able to get on a county program which gave me mammagram,US and sent me to breast surgeon for biopsy and diagnosis and lumpectomy. However that is where it ended. It took me 6 weeks from lumpectomy time to get qualified as a charity case at a hospital. Free care for a year.Thank god for that. Then it was on too meet oncologists and new breast surgeons and all. Several more weeks of that and oh yeah they spotted another area of concern and needed another biopsy which came back another tumor. So I should do masectomy. Ok I want reconstruction right away, and I want Diep flap. Well have to wait 6 months for that because the Dr. is booked. So do chemo, ok, 4 rounds of A-c is recommended,(also had other onco say same thing) ok, start chemo, after 1st round told I would need another 4 rounds of Taxotere after this. WHAT???? Where did that come from? Chemo made me so sick, sick in bed 12 out of 21 days. Puking, constipation ,  runs. Eat alot, sick after eating, pain all over weak, dizzy, nauseous all of it. Quit after 4 rounds of A-C. Lets do surgery. What? no one ever put me on the waiting list? another 6 month wait for flap surgery? oh God! Just do the damn implants! What? have to wait 6 weeks for surgery??? WHy??? I was told they were all very flexible, when I was ready they were! So 6 weeks later had bilateral masectomy. Expanders put in. Pathology report comes back Good news did the right thing in taking both breasts, other one was not infected YET but more than likely would be. Also found many other areas of cancer in different ductal systems in infected breast. There for I need more chemo! Now I am in the beginings of my "fills" and they want me to stop them to do chemo. Why can't I finnish them, then do chemo???? What's the big deal? I have waited this long already. I am so depressed over this. If I do my fills now, then do chemo, then do exchange surgery, I can get that all in by my financial deadline. But if I stop fills now, do chemo, then start back on fills wait 3 months and then do exchange surgery I am screwed!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you see my dilemma?????

Now lets add into this mix the fact that my husband lost his job last Feb finally got one in Oct. at half pay and no benefits, he lives in the town where he works. Gives me an allowance every month, so basically we are seperated. He doesn't want to deal with me. So I am stuck with my newlywed daughter, she would do anything for me and has. She has driven me back and forth for Dr appt.s and chemo for the past 6 months. She is burned out. And me living here is making it worse. I have no car and cannot really drive myself anyway. Her husband would be THRILLED if I left, but go where? Now my son is in a financial bind and needs to move but needs help paying bills and wants a live in sitter for babies. Ok I can do that. But I don't know that we all can do it financially, and my daughter is totally against this.She thinks he will not pay up. Then she added "you can't come crawling back to me!" whether it was in jest or not, it started my crying jag and depression.

So that is my story. Sorry it is so long. Can anyone help me not go insane,or kill myself. Because it appears that I am a huge burden on my family,and if I just went away all would be good for them. My name is Cathy I am at coxc1@hotmail.com

desdemona222b

OMG - I've felt the same way myself before!  I really sympathize with you and wish there was some way I could make you feel better.

It's really hard to deal with family members when you have cancer sometimes - I have kids who say things like that "you can't come crawling back to me" etc.  They're in their 20s and they're good people, but they can get controlling at times.  I have to step in when they do and be VERY FIRM about the fact that as long as I am still kicking, I am the one who makes my own decisions and I get VERY angry with them when there is a "threat" about what they are or are not going to do.  Basically - and to be very blunt - they get chewed out behind that stuff.  I mean, I gave birth to them so they are not qualified to manipulate me or dominate me.  Period.