Can we have a forum for "older" people with bc?

IllinoisLady

Sandra, your news is distressing. We often have at times only hope to carry us forward. I'm reminded of this quote: " The will of God will never take you where the grace of God won't protest you ". You have walked for miles and miles and just kept going. Many here are with you hoping and praying for you and for Mike's brothers wife Lisa. Life seems so unfair at times, but we have to keep moving forward doing the best we know how.

Jackie

Anneb1149

SAndra- I am so sorry to hear that Mike isn't doing well. My cousin, whose husband was recently diagnosed with amlyadosis (a type of cancer I think) said it best when she said to me, " it is heartbreaking to watch a strong, independent man change into a weak, helpless invalid" and I agree with her totally. With your husband and hers, the change came pretty quickly, over a matter of months. I watched my husband decline year after year, in total denial, when he could have made some changes to increase at least his quality of life for many of those years, until there was just a shell left, most of the time with no energy to enjoy even simple pleasures, like having family over for dinner. Prayers, hugs and love for you both.

Also, just wanted to mention that my son, whose wife treats him like an idiot most of the time, had his school, Rock Hill High, dedicate this years yearbook to him. He has only been there 4-5 years, he teaches the lowest level students they haVe, yet has made an impact on so many students and staff, that they honored him with the yearbook dedication. The accolades from 3 students and one co-worker were amazing. But his wife had to question him about why he chose the cup he did out of the cabinet to get a drink of water. Go figure!

My two newest - Alexandria (Almost 4 mos) and Julianna(2wks)

6 of the 8 the morning of the wedding

1. Anne

ChiSandy

Sandra, my thoughts and prayers go out to and for Mike and his BIL.

Luvmaui

Oh Sandra I am so very sorry to hear this latest news on Mike and now, on top of everything else, your BIL Brian's diagnosis. Sometimes you wonder if you can take one more thing!! I lost my brother (and one of my best friends), at the age of 46, to brain cancer then two years later endured the year long cancer treatment and loss of my 30 yr. old son. I never thought I could live through the pain. Somehow I gained inner strength, I never knew I had, from these ordeals and I can hear through your postings that you have that strength. I'm sending my best wishes, thoughts and prayers to you and Mike.

Anne, adorable pictures of you and the grandchildren. I agree with the others who have said that your DIL has an eating disorder but she shouldn't be allowed to visit this disorder on her children. I believe this is child abuse. I can't imagine how your son allows it to go on. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to hide my displeasure. It's difficult being the mother in law sometimes, right?

Got the results of my latest mammo today...........All is well for another year, YEA!

MomMom

Dear Sandra,

I am so very sorry to hear your latest news. I think of you and Mike often and will continue to keep you both in my prayers, and will include both your SIL Lisa & her husband. May you find some kind of peace. Take good care of yourself.

Huge Hugs,

Paula

NormaJean65

Sandra, I am so sorry to hear your husband's report. I have walked in those shoes when my DH had many of the same blood work readings. WBC was even lower than your DH. Finally they did another bone marrow aspiration & found he had Hairy Cell Leukemia.

It is so very stressful on the family. I will remember you in my prayers. Please keep the list of ladies here posted. Do you have family to relieve you at the hospital? Sending angels your way.

MinusTwo

Sandra - adding my thoughts & prayers. Don't forget to take care of yourself too so you can continue to be the caregiver.

Puffin2014

Welcome Newbcny, I was 62 when I was diagnosed and had my lumpectomy, only 1 cm, stage 1 but grade 2 because of my 28 oncotype score. My MO strongly recommended the chemo since 28 is on the high side of intermediate, which I did and I don't regret it. I did the radiation of course, and am now taking the generic Arimidex.

Everyone has to make the decision they feel is best for them, and then not look back and second guess that decision. I just felt like I'd be devastated if I hadn't taken advantage of all my options.

Sandra, my prayers are with you and Mike

I just got back from a weekend in Sioux Falls, SD, visited a college friend. We took advantage of 3 free concerts held in the parks, one band played Broadway show tunes, one was country western, and one band played songs from the 60's, so we had a nice variety. We managed to find shade at each concert to park out lawn chairs.

I had a friend come over this afternoon who used to work at a pawn shop. He looked over what I have left in the shop and gave me an idea of what I could sell to a pawn shop and what I might expect to sell the items for. Now I have to clean everything all up and make the tools like nice.

IllinoisLady

Puffin, my husband was born in Sioux Falls and went to school there, married and had three children there. They and their children are all still there. Dh goes for a visit every couple of years. Glad you enjoyed being there.

Good for you to keep working on selling things that someone else can use and enjoy. I hope your days are getting easier as time goes on. The first yr. is of course all the first time of being one when there was two, but it gets easier when the "firsts" are behind father then in front.

Jackie

IllinoisLady

As yesterday is history, and tomorrow may never come,
I have resolved from this day on, I will do all the business
I can honestly, have all the fun I can reasonably, do all
the good I can willingly, and save my digestion
by thinking pleasantly.

Robert Louis Stevenson

IllinoisLady

Anne, what great pictures. I hope you get an opportunity to take a lot more that look something like that.

Jackie

IllinoisLady

Life is tension. Without tension, there could be no life.
Too little tension or too much tension interferes with the
process of life in the same way a string of a guitar interferes
with the melody when it is either too loose or too tight.

Bruno Geba

IllinoisLady

The best portion of a good person's life,--
Their little nameless, unremembered acts
Of kindness and of love.

William Wordsworth

IllinoisLady

Quiet here pretty much. I hope you are all out enjoying good weather. Our good temps are back for now which is a delight since the humidity is not bad either.

I'm bummed --- my little patient went home yesterday but she had to be taken right back. High hopes dashed for everyone. There are still a few weeks of Medicare coverage so now the hope is that the rehab section can get her stronger. Well, I pray for that as well but I worry since it was a bit dismal yesterday. She was in fact strong enough -- not sure why she was not able to meet even the smallest obstacle with any show of strength and stability. Well, forward as always since it has always been the best direction.

Otherwise, I'm going to have to work on my personal schedule -- I had already started re-arranging to go back to the old one and that will likely be 5ive or 6 weeks away now.

Jackie

IllinoisLady

A big secret for happiness …stay away from people who steal your peace of mind.

Elle Sommer

IllinoisLady

Hope you are all doing fine and enjoying life or getting things done and out of your way. We had a shall shower and believe it or not, I wish we might have had a full on rain. I'd like to see some of our dust settled down a bit better. July and Aug. are normally dryer months -- but not much has been standard for some time. Maybe we will get a bit more rain later and that would be ok with me.

Jackie

who thinks it is very quiet around here. Where is that Chevy when you need her??????

DaraB

Last night I had fun going to a beginning photography class at the art museum in town. We'll have 3 classes including 2 next week. Last night was all about the basics. The instructor was a photo-journalist and has taught at a number of colleges so very knowledgeable. One of the biggest helps for me was learning about metering and then how to get great shots of silhouettes. Next week we go to a park and a couple of people are bringing grandkids to photograph as silhouettes. Several times though I felt like quite a dummy trying to keep the apertures, ISA, shutter speeds correct! Then also at the end my underarm started swelling again so had to slow down. I'll be glad when that part of the post surgical is done! Happy 4th of July weekend everyone. Hope you stay cool and have a great time! Dara

Anneb1149

Morning all,

Yes Jackie, it has been really quiet around here. Like you, I hope it's because everyone is busy with family aNd friends.

Dara, I would love to take a class in photo editing, and I would also like to take a class in coloring. When I tried to look into that, someone had said "You just pick up a crayon, or marker or pencil and color" DUH!! I know no one else sees my stuff, but I would love to learn about shading, and blending and how to do mountains in the background, etc.

Yesterday, I got to go to Young at Art with Lucia. Of course, since no one can transport her except Mom or Dad, Mom and 2 week old Julianna came too. I was very happy that Anna worked it out because I really wanted to take Lu there. It is an interactive place that has all different kinds of things, somewhat separated by age. There is a whole section for 5 and under, but there are things in other areas that all ages can enjoy. Lucia and I had a ball, exploring and playing. We met there about 10:15 and left at one.

About 3:30, Lu's daddy calls to see how it went. I told him it was great, Lu had a ball. He said " yeah, I thought so, but Anna said it was full of camps, loud, crazy, unorganized and Lu didn't like it, all she did was run around. She wouldn't sit to do any crafts ot anything" I told Rob, that Anna was pretty accurate in her description. I agreed that all Lu did was run around. The place is full of doors , windows, steps, slides, etc for her size. There was a sandbox and a large water table. There was a room with drumsticks and all kinds of things to bang them on. I said I guess it's all in the eyes of the beholder- all I can say is the day ( and Lucia's response) was exactly what I thought and hoped it would be. For goodness sake, she only turned 3 last Sun- did Anna expect her to sit and color for an hour? The place is overwhelming on on the first visit, and Lucia was no better or worse than anyone else her age. But, she had a smile on her face the whole time.

I had gotten a years membership when Kayden was 4. He was the same as Lu the first few times- then he settled down to several areas that he especially enjoyed like building train tracks and roads. We still went everywhere each time, but spent increasingly more time at his favorites. It was also a very important learning tool for him. He is somewhat hyperactive, and tended to run off if he saw something, regardless of where we were. I told him on the first visit, that he could go wherever her wanted and play with whatever he wanted, and other than not hurting anyone, there was only one rule: he had to take me with him. Every time we went (and we went once a week) I would ask him before we went in what the rule was,, and he never forgot. It put the decision on where we went on him, which was not something he had a lot of experience with, and he never once forgot to take me with him.

Guess I need to get moving.

Anne

IllinoisLady

Yay Anne, the magic words for me were --- a smile on Lu's face the whole time. I'd say total success. Your approach with Kayden was perfection I'd say and like you ---- I think were Lu allowed to go many times the outcome I'd imagine would be much like you had with Kayden. Kids want to know about EVERYTHING as soon as possible. Just like food on their plate --- given a choice something will be eaten every time -- and likely something left. Glad your son got two opinions of the same event --- the very reason we so often go to Dr.'s for second opinions.

Sun is out here and more warming than I like --- but mainly it tends to make you a little more aware of the humidity. Took the time to make extra batches of my steel-cut oatmeal since the kitchen was fine this morning. Just had the door open.

Hope Carol is having good weather and no problems for the 4th. at her campground.

Jackie

Wren44

Anne, Google free drawing classes and see if there's something that is what you're looking for. It's possible that the colored pencil companies may have a beginning tutorial. If not, I joined Art Tutor. It has online art classes in almost any medium you can think of (short of sculpture). Compared to lessons in the community, it was a bargain. Senior centers also have low cost art classes. I mainly do water color, but pencils are easier and more portable.

DaraB

Anne, it is interesting how two people can view the same event so differently. Anna sounds like she has a difficult time seeing things in a positive light. How old is Lucia? All kids under 5 are so inquisitive. I have a 4 yr old grandson and a 2 year old granddaughter. They came to my house last Sunday and just had a ball trying to catch lizards on my patio. Their expressions were wonderful! Keep trying to do things with them; they will always remember that you helped them experience the fun!

Wren44

Dara, You are so right. I have wonderful memories of tea parties with my great grandmother.

ChiSandy

Anne, do you have a kids’ museum (especially science) nearby? Gordy absolutely adored the Chicago and Kohl (up in Wilmette, next to Walker Bros. Pancake House) Children’s Museums when he was little. But his favorites were Science & Industry on the S. Side, the Oregon Museum of Science & Industry (OMSI) in Portland--they had a “Superheroes and Science” exhibit--and most of all, San Francisco’s Exploratorium. Hands-on exhibits bearing “Please Touch” placards are the best!

Anneb1149

Yes Sandy, we have the Museum of Discovery and Science. It is a wonderful place to take the kids. The place I took Lucia yesterday is kind of a smaller version of that. Right now, Lu is a little too young for that yet, but the older grandchildren love to go there, while they have pretty much outgrown Young at Art.

I agree with you Jackie, young children want to experience everything at once. And for Lu, living with stairs gated at top and bottom (which I totally agree with) and never being able to go thru a door without a parent, this was a wonderland of doors, windows, steps, all leading to something fun.

Dara-you are so right about Anna having a problem seeing things in a positive way. In fact her fears about everything are destroying her marriage. She hears of a child falling out of a window in Oshkosh, and suddenly every window in their house has to be nailed closed. Some child somewhere is hurt in a car accident, and their children cannot be driven by anyone except her and my son. Rob has often said to her that yes, terrible, tragic things happen, and you need to take reasonable measures to ensure your children's safety, but not to the point that it stops them from having a normal childhood. He says you can only prepare so much, and something totally random happens. His example is "how do you prevent a meteor from hitting the house?" He says the chance of that happening are not that much higher than other accidents. Especially the driving- he asks why the chance of the kids being in an accident is less if one of them is driving vs anyone else. Accidents happen, nobody expects to be in one, but everyone has the same chances every time they drive. Reasonable would be not letting someone who has some DUI's drive around with your child, having a full blown hysterical breakdown because your mother or mother-in-law want to take Lucia to somewhere local is not reasonable. She blamed that breakdown on her hormones so soon after giving birth, which might be understandable if this was something that just came up, but she has been like this since Lu was born, three years ago.

Anne

bonnets

I spent days at the Museum of Science and Industry , as a kid. It was what we did on a saturday. Cud also walk there from U-High at the U of Chicago. Also loved walker Brothers, favorite place when at Evanston Hospital Nursing School, back in the day! Jean

ChiSandy

Walker Bros. is still there on Green Bay Rd.--lines out the door and into the parking lot on Sunday mornings after church. They serve heavy whipping cream with their Kona blend coffee. And their baked apple pancake is so huge (people would share them and still take half home) that they were forced to start offering individually-sized ones, a la that “Dutch Baby" lemon pancake.

Anne, speaking as someone who had postpartum depression for almost two years, have you explored the possibility that Anna’s behavior and attitude might be a form of that? PPD often features feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure at parenting, with an overlay of anxiety that translates into obsessive protectiveness in an attempt to control for every conceivable disaster. (It’s catastrophic thinking carried over into action).

IllinoisLady

Happiness? It is an illusion to think that more comfort
means more happiness. Happiness comes of the capacity
to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely,
to risk life, to be needed.

Storm Jameson

Anneb1149

Sandy- PPD would be a concern and may play into this somehow, but her over-the-top insecurities were there long before Lucia was born. They have two dogs that they got before they got married ten years ago. She has a gate set up around the inside of her front door so the dogs can't get out by accident. All people going in or out at the same time must all gather in that small area with the gate closed before anyone can open the front door. It is the same with the door to the garage. The hall leads to the door of the laundry room, and everyone must gather in that room, not opening the door between the laundry room and garage until the door to the house is completely shut. It is the same routine between the door in the laundry room and the big garage door. The craziest part of all this is that both dogs are in their crates whenever they are left alone. And, when AnnA is not home and Rob is doing yard work, he takes one of the dogs out with him, unleashed, and has never had a problem. I have asked Rob if she hasn't been to many houses that have dogs that do not have gated areas by their front doors? We have 2 dogs and her Mom has one, and we don't haVe gates. And that's just one of her issues.

She and her brothers were emotionally and physically abused as a child. Her mother was also abused by her husband. Not sure how that all ties in, but I'm sure it does. She could certainly benefit from counseling, but she does not believe she has any problems. It is really sad, because she has to have total control every minute of every day, and I have seen her with Rob. Every move he makes, every word he speaks is questioned and corrected. Trust me, that is not an exaggeration. My husbaNd was also emotionally aBusive, and Rob haS said to Anna that he will not become his mother, or hers, living with an abusive spouse for years and years. I tried to tell him he was marrying his dad on steroids, but who ever listens to their parents when it comes to choosing their spouse? I asked him about a year ago if he would consider leaving her, and he said he could not leave Lucia. My response was " you have become MaRie and I,why do you think we stayed? We wouldn't hurt our children by the mess of divorce." I worked around my situation by encouraging my husband to work the swing shift, from 4-midnight. He thought it was because he got paid more for working that shift. It was really because it limited his time with the kids.

The bottom line is that you can't help someone who doesn't want help. I am just watching it destroy my calm, easy-going son who has always dreamed of having a family. He was totally disconnected from this second pregnancy. With Lu, he didn't miss one Dr appt. This time- he went to the ultrasound. He is a very devoted Dad, who has no problems changing diapers, giving baths, reading books and everything else Mom's do. It is especially hard for him to watch her ineffective parenting when he has worked with children for over twenty years and has majored, not only in education, but in behavior management. The difference in Lu's behavior, depending on which parent is with her is incredible. That's enough for now.

Anne

ChiSandy

That explains a lot, Anne. There’s more than a tough of OCD in there; and her having been abused as a child--and therefore having had little-to-no control of her life--it seems as if she is trying to exercise as much control over everything she can. Her role model of a parent was one who was a total control freak, so rather than realizing hers was an abnormal situation she is replicating it, believing that is what a parent is supposed to do. Before her pregnancy, her dogs were her “kids,” and she was controlling their environment so that she wouldn’t ever lose them.

Wren44

Anne, Your son might benefit from counseling even if she won't go. I read a book called the dance of anger. It point out that both people have roles to play. If one person changes his/her role, the other person has to respond. His wife sounds absolutely miserable, but she has to see that she needs to change before she'll do it.