Please advise

TrishL

Dear all,

My Aunt has recently been diagnosed with grade 2 breast cancer.  My nan (her mom) is not taking the news well and has been very negative, breaking down in front of my 14yr old cousin etc.  My 14yr old cousin is acting out and causing arguments; my aunt in turn is saying that will send her to her grave if nothing else.  Both of them are losing their faith.  And I have had my mother in tears not able to understand how to help/why they would say these things etc.

Now I have to be honest and say my aunt and I are not that close, but obviously she is family and I love as well as the rest of them.  If anyone has any advice as to how I can support them.  I do not want to step on toes, but feel it needs someone to take control as the negative attitude and fighting cannot be helping.  My aunt is due to start first chemo in about a weeks time (she also has two younger children and an ex husband) and surely she needs strength and love around her??

 Should I let them carry on or can I do anything positive to help? 

Route53

Trish,

I think you need to start being the voice of reason.  Gather the information you need and start supporting your Aunt since nobody else seems to be able to do that.  She and her children will need your support.  You can show your nan how she should be reacting.

Start telling your nan about how it is good they caught this earlier rather than later and supply her with data that will help provide more information that will keep things a little more on the level.

Route 53

http://rooute53.wordpress.com

toyful

I agree with route 53 in that you should just set a good example to the rest of your family of how to support someone. Even if you are not close to your aunt, if you did whatever you could to assist her, I am sure she will greatly appreciate it. If you don't live close enough to volunteer to help out with the children or visit your aunt, maybe call her and let her complain to you about all the negativity that is going on. I have stage 4 breast cancer, and some people who I barely know have been more helpful and supportive to me than even my own friends and family! It has been really illuminating to me as to who I count on and who to avoid. Many of my relatives reacted negatively to me having cancer and it really did just about kill me. (No exaggeration!) The more positive people that can surround your aunt the better it is for her. Relatives reacting badly is all about their own issues with mortality and other things. Feel free to send me a private message if you have any specific questions. By the way, I think it is great that you came on to this website, that shows alot about the kind of person that you are, that you care enough to want to help constructively. Michelle

yellowrose

When I was diagnosed, my Mom took it very hard.  Though she had not had BC her sister, mom, 2 aunts and great-aunt had.  I believe that she was going through a big guilt thing that she was responsible for the bc.  I have talked to other women whose Mom kind of did the same thing. 

You are right.  It doesn't help your aunt deal with everything.  14 year olds are hormonal enough without the huge emotional stress of mom being sick and gram falling apart.  Yes, a voice of calm is needed here.   Be a listening wall for the 14 year old so he has a place to take his concerns.  Provide him a safe place to talk.  Pull your gram aside and talk to her.  Encourage her to learn more at places like this so that she can replace her fear of losing her child with hope and help her child through this scary time.

Talk to your local ACS office and see what programs are in place that will help your aunt.  Learn what you can to support your aunt during treatment. 

During treatment, I found friends in the most unexpected places and reconnected with family who were estranged.  You may very well find yourself in a much closer relationship as a result of reaching out in such a difficult time.  God bless.

Route53

I also read a great book called This Time's a Charm which is about a man who has been diagnosed with Cancer 4 times.  In this book the untold hero in this book in my mind is his cousin who stays with him despite all of the surgeries, a failed marriage and a failed relationship but finally gives him the inspiration needed.

Route53

http://route53.wordpress.com