What did you tell your young children.

samiam40

I was diagnosed today with IDC Grade 2 and will be undergoing surgery together with some kind of adjuvent therapy in the near future.

I don't want to unnecessarily worry my children, but I don't want to lie to them either.  They've already been traumatized by their grandfather being sick with lung cancer and we've had many discussions about how when people get old, sometimes they get sick and sometimes they die.  Now that I am facing cancer, I want to give them just enough but not too much information.  I realize that will differ for each child, as they range in age from 3, 5, 9 and 11.  

 I am looking for specific ideas as to what to say to my children that treats each of them with respect but without scaring them to death.

Thanks,

Samiam

YATCOMW

Well..... my youngest were 7 and 9.  I told them initally that I had a bug. It was inside of me and that we needed to kill it with something called the "red devil".  They loved the name.  I told them that the red devil was so strong at killing the bug it made your hair fall out.  They asked me if the red devil would cure it... and I told them I didn't know. (stage 3).  I also told them that another way to kill it was with laughter....the bug hated it when I laughed and that is where they could really help to squash the bug.

They were so much help.  When the dog did something silly and I laughed they would say... "mom, the dog is killing the bug too". 

To be honest, they eventually found out it was cancer and we talked about it.  But we still say laughter will kill it..... and the dog still helps.

The scariest part for my youngest was me losing my hair.....that scared him the most even though I rarely took my wig off.

Hope this helps in some way. All the best!

Jacqueline

YATCOMW

bump

lisettemac

Given the age range of your kids, I think you are going to have to tailor your conversation to their ability to understand/need for info.  My kids were 2 and 4 at the time of my dx.  I answered whatever questions they had, but didn't really make a "presentation" to them.  They didn't know what cancer was, but they knew I was bald, they knew I was sometimes sick.  That was enough for them.  What I realized was, at their age, they didn't have any background to understand that losing your hair was a bad thing!!  For them, it just was.  And that worked for us.  I didn't feel any  need to burden them with more than they wanted/needed.

Your older children will need/want more than that.  There are some books out there that are great to help explain cancer and treatment to kids.  You might check out amazon or barnesandnoble.com for resources.  Your onc may also have resources.

Best to you.

BethNY

Please call the ACS at 1800 ACS 2345 and ask them for the book Cancer and the family. Each chapter divides the sections into kids by their age ranges... also another great book they can send you is MOM AND THE POLKA DOT BOO BOO....

these are incredible resources, that you should absolutely check out.

jac3

I was 25 with an 18 month old when I was dx. My husband and I told her that mommy needed some meds to make her better. She did great through the whole thing. The only thing that freaked her out was when my hair fell out. After a few hours she acted like nothing happened. By my 4th chemo treatment she was going with me and talking to all the other people getting their chemo too. She was our ray of sunshine. She is now 7 1/2 and the only thing she remembers is mommy lossing her hair. Good luck!

lexislove

My daughter was 18 months as well, she got scared when my hair fell out but then 15 minutes later was fine!..lol. I did not explaine nothing to her as I felt she wouldnt understand. I went to my appointments by myself, I just said "mommy had a doctors appointment". My husband and I have decided to tell her when she's much older.

Youwearpink

My daughters were too young at the time. Newborn and 3. My 3 year old is now 10 and has put two and two together. I always answer her question as honestly as I can with sensitivity and optomisim. She is a smart cookie so I want her to trust what I tell her so I don't give her any guarantees or sugar coat anything. It is tough to pull together the right balance. But, we know our children best and what they can handle. My advice is just answer questions as they come. Don't offer too much info all at once.  Hope this was helpful. Best wishes.

lovinmomma

My kids read Mommy Has Cancer (written by kids) and loved it and the info.  We just set the kids down and told them that mommy had cancer and was going to need meds to make it better and that I would be tired and lose my hair.  The 5 and 6 year old where mostly oblivious to the conversation (they did like shaving my head) and the others cried some and asked a few questions. We ask them if they have questions and let them know what is happening. I let them know before I go in for a  treatment, but it really has all gone pretty smoothly here.

kpfaendt

When I was diagnosed at 40, my daughters were 6 and 7 and my son was 4.  I called them all to a family meeting with my husband and told them that I had a ball of sick cells in my breast that needed to be removed.  They already knew that cells were what our bodies are made of and that cells are kind of like Legos.  I also told them that I would have to take special medicine that would make me seem sicker than I really was, that it would make my hair fall out, but that in the end it would make me better and stronger.  I made sure they understood that they could ask me or tell me anything at anytime.  My 4 year old just shrugged his shoulders and ran off to play; my 7 year old kept quiet; and my 6 year old burst out laughing because she could only picture my "jiggly" breast sitting on a doctor's shelf after he/she removed it.  We also got involved with The Wellness Community and another more local (to Cincinnati) cancer family org. that offered a program for families with young children called "Walking the Dinosaur."  We'd go as a family and the kids would be taken to separate, age-appropriate rooms to do crafts and talk about what was going on; the adults would have their own separate support group.  That helped a lot.   The bottom line is that you know your kids best and know what language they will understand best.  How they react might be less predictable, but kids are so resilient and yours will weather this well, I'm sure.

cmb35

I found the book "When a Parent Has Cancer" to be very helpful. It was written by a cancer survivor mom, and includes a book for kids (written by her kids) called "Becky and the Worry Cup", which was really helpful to my son.

My son was 9 at the time, and clearly only wanted to hear the minimum. Like you, I didn't want to lie to him, so I couldn't promise him I wasn't going to die from the cancer, but I could make certain promises.

1. I will not die today, tomorrow or next week from this cancer. (I'm a single mom, and his biggest fear was that he would wake up in the morning and I would be dead and he would be here all alone and wouldn't know what to do. I promised him that that would not happen. And yes, I then went and cried my eyes out in the shower, because really, that's just brutal.)

2. I don't think I'm going to die from this cancer, I honestly believe I'm going to be OK.

3. I will do absolutely everything I have to do to be OK. For me that was multiple surgeries, chemo and radiation.

4. I will always take care of him, even though sometimes taking care of him meant that I needed to get someone else to take care of him for me.

5. I will always tell him what's happening, good or bad. (Now, I took some poetic license with that one, stlll do as a matter of fact...)

Best of luck to you, and your family, you'll get through

(BTW I made those promises to him almost 4 years ago :-)

bchope

I found that being as honest as possible with my children (9 and 5 at the time) worked best. They were more scared when I tried to shield them - like having them stay the night at a friends house after the surgery. I did tell them I had cancer and that sometimes people do not survive, but that was not a likely outcome for me at that time. Trust yourself....you know your children better than anyone else. The book chemo shark helped with my youngest. I tried to warn them each time something significant was going to happen...surgery, hair loss, chemo (vomiting, fatigue)...just remind them that all of these things are going to help you get better.

*** on a light note...one day you too could walk in on your children playing "hot potato" with your breast prosthesis (or the pink squishy thing as my son called it)...lol

Cheri2

My children were 9 and 12 when I was diagnosed.  Lets face it cancer is hot gossip and I knew they would find out from their friends overhearing parents talking about me!  So, we had a family meeting.  I told them I had cancer, that I caught it in time and that I was going to do everything I could to fight it from invading my body!  The only question either of them asked was my 9 year old asked me if I was going to die!  And I said not any time soon.  And when it seems like I might I will tell you but you will most likely be out of college by then.  That made them both relieved and educated when people asked them (oh and did they ever ask them) how's your mom doing.....