How to help a friend

zoesma

My best friend was diagnosed yesterday with IBC..after many months of being undiagnosed by a doctor who wasted precious time.  I am having a really hard time dealing with this (my mom just died last year of lung cancer but never smoked)..she has a 1 yr old and 5 year old..was having leaking that was diagnosed as mastitis then although she was pushing for a better diagnosis the doctor didnt send her for a biopsy,,she finally went to another MD who ordered an inconclusive Mamo had surgery and biopsy on monday and got the DX yesterday...

i just need advice on the best way to help her deal with her cancer,,,the best ways to help,,with my mon my job was to be her daughter and make her feel loved and cared for which i know to do for my friend too but i really want advice on more tangible ways to help...

she will be going to cancer centers of america next week to start treatment..

I know that the best advice comes from those who are living with this everyday..my heart goes out to all of you..

runalot08

As I was away when most of the people I know had cancer I learned via phone what others did for them that helped.  You being on here asking questions shows how much you care.  She may really like a friend going with her to her appts.  If she has a hubby it is great if he goes but my mom said that eventually she wanted a change of scenery and it was nice to have some one else with her every once in a while.  You mentioned she has kids.  Does she work.  Having kids will be harder for her on days when she feels really bad.  They are a blessing in that there is something she loves right there and little joys to work on getting better for but she might like to have someone volunteer to watch them for a couple of hours on the worst days.  Maybe help with dinners on the worst days.  A lot of times the hubby really picks up and does a lot of this but other times they have to deal in their own way too.  I think that it brought my parents closer and her friends are now even more a love in her life.  She did not have IBC.  It as I am sure you know is a rough one.  My aunts was much worse than my moms and her band of friends are thick.  She actually had her friends as a center rather than her immediate family.  I think this confused my Grandma and Dad and everyone else.  I think that it was too hard for her to bring home I am not sure of the reasoning.  Her friends were her all.  They remind me of the movie/book Sisters of the Ya Ya's or what ever name it was.  They actually call themselves this.  Just keep being the friend that you are.  Let her do as much as she wants and just be there when there is something she can't.  I have seen on here that some women want nothing for help and others really appreciate it.  You are  a good friend. 

zoesma

Thank you for your kind words and advice.  I have spent hours with her on the phone crying...I know her DX is very bad but we dont talk about that yet...she is only going to go to cancer treatment center this week to get a plan,,,i am thinking of hiring someone to come and clean her house for her for the next couple of months...i am 2 hours away so it is hard but i will pick myself up with my kids and be there in a heartbeat if she needs help,,her husband is not working now which is another problem but he will be there to drive her to phili...

stay strong everyone,,u r all inspirations to every woman in the world...

ibcspouse

Zoesma

I would suggest one thing.  With an IBC dx, she will qualify for a very fast track disability ruling with Social Security.  If she has a work history, that would mean a quick set up for disablity payments.  If her husband is not working at this time, and family income is lower, she may get medicaid also.  You might want to help her get in touch with SS and ask about their compasionate fast track.  This usually is done is just a few weeks.   

runalot08

Since I am not in the shoes of many women here (not actually diagnosed) all I can say is just to be there as you are.  Remember dx are all individual.  People may have the same type cancer but depending on their bodies, how long they have had it, their medications, drive, and support group they all have a different prognosis.  Technically the same or similar but outside forces (friends/family) have abilities to change those in the fashion of good fighting drive.  Vickie

Good advice from IBCSpouse.  I am sure that would really help out.  See people here know things...now you have the power of people.  You will get the help you need here and when your friend is comfortable and you think she would want to she may enjoy or learn a great deal from those on this site.

apple

my friends who came to visit me and cleaned my house while talking were the best.  there is always so much to do when there are children.

and my internet friends who bought 16 housecleanings for me while I went thru treatment are angels. 

zoesma

I am getting someone to come in and clean the house for her and I put together a care package that I mailed with both inspirational and funny books, cards, etc...I also bought her a journal to write down her feelings, thoughts,,,,i am going to mail her two cards every week,,one uplifting and one funny..i know that humor always helped my mom thru her battle...she is now at the cancer treatment center in phili and will start chemo on thursday...she is also HER2+...her husband is having a difficult time with all of this...she cannot go on the medicaid because the treatment center wont take it so they will be paying for her COBRA for the next 18 months..hopefully her husband will be able to find employment again but the economy is so bad who knows..he worked in manhattan commuting two hours each way...

I have to say that if anyone needs a place to go for treatment the cancer treatment center sounds wonderful..full of positive energy and the things that they offer to the patients is unbeleivable...coming from the healthcare fiels myself I was so impressed with what they have there..and they got all her scans done in one day...

I hope to talk to her later...I am so happy to find this forum and send all of you strength and hope in your battles...

zoesma

Hi everyone,  Just to give an update,,and some questions,,my friend had her bone scan and showed a spot on her spine,,maybe arthritis they said,,had a biopsy on friday but wont have results yet..BUT,,,she was all set to get chemo on thursday and then they said no wait...you had your surgery (breast biopsy) two weeks ago?  My friend says yes and the doctor sayd he thought she had the surgery early december and they have to wait two weeks more for the breast to heal...i know that IBC spreads FAST...so to me, to wait another two weeks is like giving this cancer free reign...anyone have any knowledge or experience with something like that?? 

Caseysmom

I have never heard of such a thing.  I had my biopsy three days latter received my dx of IBC was scheduled at the end of the week for my mediport the following week started chemo.

After my mastectomy and tram flap I had to wait 4 weeks before I had a second round of chemo and radiation.

Laura