Did it upset you to go into menopause?

flyrzfan

It's the night before my surgery to have my ovaries out and I can't sleep. I have been sad all day and after pondering WTF, I realize that it's the "finality" of having my ovaries out that has me so upset. I'm 43, in a committed relationship where there was not an option to have children but yet...I find myself depressed that after tomorrow it will never again be an option for me to have children. I didn't have a hard time with my BLM, but this is a bit harder to take.

Just wondering if there are others out there who lost there chances of having children, and how they handled it?

lovinmomma

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can only offer hugs.

Anonymous

I think it varies for different people.  I went into chemo induced menopause at 44 and never looked back.  I don't miss the bad monthly cramping, lower back pain, bloating (alot of bloating), or having to plan events around certain times of month.  I actually feel free!  For me, its the one and only perk in this journey.

otter

Bonnie, I'm way past the point of worrying about menopause, since mine hit naturally in 2003.  I did want to offer my support and condolences, though.

I still have my ovaries and uterus, although they're no longer functional and are only likely to cause me trouble in the future.  I was just thinking yesterday, what if I was told I should have an oophorectomy and/or hysterectomy for preventive reasons (not because they contained tumors)?  And I realized it would upset me to lose those organs, even if they were no longer functioning.  It just seems so sad to have to remove a perfectly healthy organ.

OTOH, my grandmother had BC 60 years ago, and they halted her ovarian function by irradiating her abdomen with high doses of cobalt irradiation.   She was launched into menopause just as abruptly as if they'd removed her ovaries surgically.  I guess if I had to do it, I'd rather have the surgery than the rad method.

Still, it's very sad.

Hugs,

otter 

nobleanna007

Hi,

YES, YES, YES!!! Even though I knew I was not going to have anymore children it made me very sad. And boy my maternal instincts kicked in. I ended up getting a chiuaua( SP) she is just like a little baby she was a rescue and I love her so much. She has helped with that issue. But at times I feel so sad and if a child passes away like Mr.Travolta's it just pushes all those button's and I can not watch it I cry to hard. Its weird not that I would not feel saddness but I sob!! So yeah I know where your coming from. I have not had my overies out as of yet. I have perimenapause due to chemo and now Tomixefen. I wish you luck in your surgery and let us know how your doing.

                                               Hugs-Bridget   

pip57

I am 51 and have finished having children.  My ovaries and uterus were removed this summer.  Since I was already in chemopause and on tamoxifen, I did not find a huge difference in se's.  I was relieved to have them removed due to my hormone + status and the se's re the uterus while on AIs. Even though the surgery was more complicated than expected, I have not regretted the decision for a moment.

Wishing you a speedy recovery. 

ADK

Hi Bonnie,

 I totally get you - I have never had children and had a total abdominal hysterectomy in late 2006.  I had been married for over 20 years at the time, and we never really tried to have children - just not the type to have them.  However, it was the finality of knowing for certain that we never would have children that hit home - now over two years later, I don't think about it much.  I didn't fixate on it, but it just was one of those moments in your life when you go "Huh, that's life changing".  Just want you to know you are not alone. 

SusieSwan

Bonnie,

 I know how you feel.  I'm 42 and currently in chemo induced menopause.  I re-married 5 years ago and my hubby and I were trying to conceive before I was diagnosed (we lost two babies through miscarriage and I wonder if it was because of the undiagnosed cancer).  It was very difficult to know that our chance is now gone but I just focused on getting healthy and figured it wasn't meant to be for us.

I think it's one of those crossroads in life that are very profound for all women....no matter how we get there.

 Hugs,

Susan

saint

Hugs Bonnie!

I think the finality of any choice made that we can NEVER return to can affect us with a deep sadness. I had my kids & still have my organs, but they no longer function!  I felt & still feel a very deep sadness at the "loss" IF I allow myself to think about it, but for the most part I have managed to move beyond that & only thought of it again when I read your post!

Give yourself the time you need to adjust & mourn your loss. It is necessary to feel what you feel! But acknowledge that you are in control & being aggressive in your tx! I know in my gut that your partner does not care as much about the loss as the gain--- HAVING you here!!!  HUGS

crazy4carrots

Dear Flyrzfan:  After I finally accepted the fact that I could never carry a baby to term, my favourite sil reminded me that "You will never miss what you've never had".  It may sound a bit cold, but surprisingly that sentence has always been a great comfort to me.  And she was absolutely right.   Warmest wishes for a successful surgical outcome and quick recovery.

Linda

hollyann

Flyrzfan, Good luck to you today...Just wanted to say my ooph and hyst didn't bother so much as when my husband took it upon himself to have a vasectomy some 14 yrs ago.......Our daughter was 3, and i wanted more children, but the doctor said I should not have more because I had so many complications with her and also I had had aprevious miscarriage........At that time I went into a deep depression and it took a great effort to come out of it...I had to realize that I had a beautiful daughter alreasy and should feel blessed to have her....(In fact she is my avatar)...Having gone into surgical menopause was easy compared to the heartache of knowing I could never have another child after my husband's vasectomy......And yes I did forgive him (it took quite awhile)......But we are still together......Good luck to you all and God Bless.......Hugs....Lucy

otter

"You will never miss what you've never had"?

Linda, I don't mean this to sound as critical as it does, but I would never presume to say that to someone else.  It may have been a comfort to you, or at least it turned out to be true for you; but I'm pretty sure there are others who would disagree.

In my own case, I chose not to have any children of my own.  It was a conscious decision, so when it became irrevocable, that didn't bother me.  Others on these boards want (or wanted) desperately to be mothers, but their BC diagnosis and treatment has made that impossible.  So, they ought not to "miss" motherhood??? 

Because of my decision and due to other circumstances unrelated to mine, my mom will never have any grandchildren.  She adores children (those that are related to her, anyway).  I can't imagine suggesting to her that she shouldn't be "missing" being a grandmother because she has never experienced it.

otter 

crazy4carrots

Yes, Otter, that's why I said "It may sound a bit cold", but it didn't sound that way to me, and I know my sil didn't mean it to sound that way.  Of course it wasn't the only thing she said -- we had many long discussions about it.

I guess I just simply wanted to get away from feeling sadness and remorse, and onto being realistic about not ever having children, and that phrase helped me do that.  We each do whatever helps us, and sometimes (but not always, of course) passing along our own coping skills might help someone else. 

otter

That's so true.  The advice is appreciated.  And, you are right about needing to get beyond the sadness.

Some people just have to grieve a bit longer than others, though.

otter 

danix5

Bonnie,

I have not been on the boards in a long time, I ran across your thread!  You were so nice to me when I was dealing with all the surgeries etc...,I can say for me the bilateral was much harder than the ooph/hyster.  Then again I have 5 children so that clearly is enough!  especially since they are all teenagers!  LOL!

I feel through this journey there are sad days and good days.  You like me made an aggressive decision to help keep cancer away.  We do what we have to to get beyond in the best way possible. 

It is a loss recognizing it is important, but try to not focus to much on the negative, allowing yourself that punch to the pillows if you have a bad day, then move on.

This is such a personal sadness, some adjust well, others grieve more.  You feel the way you feel that is it!

I hope the surgery goes well no complications, and remember if anything does not feel right call your DR.... fever weird pains that weren't there in the beginning.

Don't be like me and ignore fever,pain etc... remember I ended up with intestinal abscess and more surgery, four days in the hospital and massive antibiotics that ended up giving me C-diff!!!

Yikes!  Was I stupid or what!!!  But after all the complications I already had with all the other surgeries I felt NO WAY, was there something else wrong!  LOL!

Hang in there girl.  If you have any questions on the aftermath contact me, I am 8 months out.

It is not horrible, doable but different!

I am thinking of you, take it easy.

Daniella

pod1257

Bonnie,

I so identify with your post. I was dxed 2.5yrs ago at 48. Although past childbearing, I found it so sad to lose my ovaries and also be thrown into an instant menopause. Although I was advised to do an ooph and researched carefully for about a yr while on zolodex, my instincts told me NOT to do it. I cancelled the surgery twice. I remember talking to my onc saying "I just don't know if I can get rid of all things female." - I had done the bilat mast, so felt there was going to be nothing female left.

In retrospect, I would not have done it in my case. (stage 1/grade2 er/pr+ with family hx but brca- and an oncotype of 10.) I was a good metabolizer of tamox and could have probably just done tamox alone. Oh well. - Sorry to rant. Many hav gone through way more than I. - But from my perspective only, I was feeling great before all this. - Now I have developed high BP (confirmed due to lack of hormones by my onc.), and the list goes on hot flashes, joint issues, muscle weakness, no sex drive. - The bottom line is you just don't feel like yourself anymore and sometimes I think the poor qaulity of life is almost more distressing than the cancer itself!

Yes, I think it is perfectly normal to be sad about taking out a perfectly healthy organ, that in many ways is so vital to a woman's fuctioning, not to mention for the younger ladies the issues of  childbearing. I feel your pain. On a happy note, I am overall functioning fairly well with my new normal. - Best wishes to you. - You will find your new normal too.

Julie

flyrzfan

Ladies, thank you all for your responses...sometimes, it's just nice to know you're not "crazy"

...as it turns out, I came down with a puking bug and they had to postpone my surgery! Ugh, I don't know if I should laugh or cry! Maybe it will give me the extra time I need to adjust so I don't have all those feelings of loss swirling around at the same time I am trying to adjust to my "new normal" without hormones. Sometimes, you just never know what the deal is until you get to the other side of it!

You ladies are the best, I'll use your words of wisdom here to help me get through it for sure!

Celtic_Spirit

Prior to my bc diagnosis, I was always whining to my boyfriend about wanting to start menopause so I wouldn't have the cramps anymore. Be careful what you ask for, as they say! I'm 49, so I had one foot practically there prior to chemopause. I've never wanted children, so that wasn't an issue for me. I'm perfectly okay with my rushed-up version of menopause.

June68

I just had my hysterectomy last month. Even though I was 40 and had two children and didn't want more, it still bothered me. It's one thing for US TO CHOSE to take that option away, but we are being forced to take that option away and it's hard, it's cancer having control over us again and it sucks. The good news is I'm a month out and all those feelings are gone, replaced by relief because my pathology came back yesterday that my ovaries had cancer cells, so even though it was not my choice, it's apparent that it was the best thing for me!

Best of luck to you with your surgery.

Annabella58

Hi there, I am choosing to remove my ovaries and uterus in March...I will be happy to be your hyster/sister.

I have one child also, and had two stillborn, so this was not an easy decision for me....however at 53 (today), and not being able to carry to term anymore (as well as being in a walker at a wedding) I have decided to be here and healthy for the child I was able to bear.  That outweighed the sadness at losing my ovaries.

To be honest, they weren't my buddies........I am heavily estrogen +++++ and have had two occurrences of cancer now.  And i don't want to wait like a ticking tme bomb to have it in the ovaries and uterus as well.  So out they go.

Best of luck to you, and I am here if you need to chat.  Just PM me.  Myerscof3, I am so happy that you made the right decision here......sometimes I think we are led to these decisions.  And you have two beautiful reasons to stay healthy for so good for you!

I am going to try for laparoscopic, but since my daughter was a C section they say it may have to be abdominal.  Anyone know how that one goes and what the recovery is like?

Well, off to celebrate bd by getting my MRI on the remaining girl tomorrow.  Pls send prayers all is clear on her.

xo

carolyn7

Hi Annie, I had an ooph last April, and it was abdominal surgery.  It wasn't as straightforward as I'd expected as I thought I was going to have it done laparascopically - but due to adhesions from a C section that was impossible.  I was off work for 6 weeks recovering.  Wish you lots of luck and a speedier recovery than I had!!

KM47

Bonnie,

I really can relate. I'm 37 and although my husband and I had decided not to have children, the fact that my treatment means there's a good chance I won't be able to, really upset me. It's not that I've changed my mind about wanting them, it's the fact it's not my call anymore so I agree with myercof3 about that. All through the initial tests and meetings with specialists I didn't really cry, but after the discussion about children I cried my eyes out when I got home. I guess that during the treatment there is a loss of control over so many things but you know you will gain control again post treatment. However, I guess this is something I will lose control over permanently and maybe that's why it hit me. Then again, maybe I was ready for a cry and that was the thing that set me off.

But as myerscof3 says, I guess there's relief when you know we're going through all of this for positive outcomes.

Interesting to see others with similar feelings. Once again this forum is a place where you feel like you can be understood even when you're not sure if your feelings make sense!

Bonnie and everyone else here - good luck with everything.

flyrzfan

I'm still having a hard time with it. With my surgery being cancelled, I'll have to try to get to that place all over again next month when I am rescheduled. I can't tell you all how much it's meant to know there are other there who understand - and even helped me understand better - why this has been such an emotional part of my treatment.

Thank you all so much...

wallycat

I never wanted kids, so if or when I'd hit meno didn't matter to me in those terms as much as it meant "aging."

The first month I missed my period naturally (before BC), I was sad.

Once I stopped having periods because of tamoxifen, I was actually thrilled.  I could, in theory, "blame" the meds and not my old body and no more periods, heavy bleeding, cramping, etc....

Now I see it as the only side-benefit to this ordeal.

I wish you lots of luck and many virtual hugs....as never wanting kids, I don't get the angst, but I know any and all emotions should be honored.

kerry_lamb

Bonnie, it pissed me off big time to take AIs and go through menopause AGAIN!!

pip57

I had the abdominal surgery for oomph/hyster last summer.  My adhesions were from a childhood ruptured appendix.  The gyn said it looked like a bomb had gone off in there.  Recovery was obviously slower, about 6 weeks.  I started back to "regular" life slowly with regards to lifting and exercising.  I have been feeling great for months now.  I had already been on tamoxifen so didn't really notice additional menopausal symptoms from the oomph. 

Jorf

I was thrilled - mainly because it happened just as I was about to enter my 3rd round of chemo and I had a touch of spotting and thought, "there is No Way I can handle a period and chemo at the same time!" I'm also much more stable emotionally than I was when i was having periods. It's a real relief.

I never wanted to have kids. Had chemo/menopause at 49 - I'm 52 now. I occasionally now think that maybe I would have been a different person if I'd had kids, wonder what it would have done to/for me.

Although I don't have the feelings you do I can imagine that it would feel like one more insult in the whole story if I had wanted to have kids or even had considered it. It's like one more thing and can certainly feel like the last straw in a long series of blows. I wish you the best in all of your healing.

Annabella58

Hi to Carolyn, thank you for the response....I am going to give laparoscopic a shot, but they also think bec. of prev. C section for me also, and two D & Es, that it won't happen.

I'm sort of prepared for an abdominal, just in case...I hear it's much like a C section once again, could you give me some tips to prepare?

Thank you, will be having ooph/hyst on March 11th.  They are now pulling me off the lupron, as it's causing me cholesterol issues, so onto the ooph/hyst!

plainjane64

Oh my goodness.  To me I think this issue-menopause, hormonal issues is my biggest personal conflict.  After reading thru all these.  Yes, of course cancer is terrible, and of course I want to do everything possible to prevent return.  To a point. Of course I'm scared...BUT....I think some of this aggression breeds such fear that people make rash decisions they later regret. This entire impending hormone therapy has been by far the most difficult to deal w/.  I am 44(dx on my bday).  I have no children either.  That is ok....several years ago I would have welcomed but it just didn't turn out that way....It's ok.  I continue to be very disappointed/ appalled, as do others(my non BC friends) I talk w/ about this.  The rest of society(including 3 of my 4 sisters) is 'assisted' w/ HRT, given all sorts of coping tools, etc.  I think Americans in general recognize menopause in the perfectly healthy woman is difficult.  YET(this is the appalling part to me),  virtually everyone(staff/MD) in my teaching facility regard the hormone therapy, ovarian ablation, total hyst as just 'no big deal'. They are very matter of fact about all of it.  I think on the whole they do a great AGGRESSIVE job of treating the cancer......but their sensitivity to the whole person has just been disappointing.....or maybe my expectations are too high?  I've gone out and sought my own counselor to deal w/ it.  I do feel it is very normal to grieve these womanly parts, stages of life....I know I am more than my breasts, uterus, ovaries, and hormones, and still a woman w/o them(I still have all of them)...but lopping one or all of them off(out) , for me, is not something I'm just not dying to do. All of it is so very unnatural.  I wish the new vaccine(on one of the other boards) would hurry and be shown successful....I have truly attempted to research the entire estrogen issue....wish they could just decrease it or do somehting rather than have to go cold turkey.   I guess it's individual, risk vs benefit, perspective.  Personally I am praying I go into menopause on my own whilst on Tamox and don't lose my mind, as my closest in age sister did who is now on HRT!...Then again I don't believe in genetic fatalism......We'll see!  One day at a time!

mason204

I'm also looking at an ooph in the future.  My ovaries are not responding to chemo and I'm about to try Carboplatin as a last ditch effort to reduce my 5 cm ovaries (left and right).

My boobs are gone, my hair is gone and now my ovaries will be taken.  As I'm 43 (almost 44) I grieved the loss years ago about not having any more children.  That happened when I found out I had cancer.  It's the femininity issue surrounding the removal of my ovaries that upsets me the most. 

Also, both my mother and grandmother had major issues with hormones during menopause.  My grandmother used to throw forks and knives when she was angry.  I remember avoiding my mom like the plague when she went through menopause.  And that was while she was on HRT.  I don't want to have that effect on my girls.

As my cancer is ER- (it's been confirmed numerous times), I've never experienced menopause symptoms yet.  The idea of going into it "cold turkey" scares me to death.

I guess if it has to be done, it has to be done.