When will I feel like myself again?

j_beckett

I have a question for you ladies about depression.  I have never posted in here and I am not quite sure if I have the right forum or not but the depression comment caught my eye.  First, I will tell about me.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Nov of 2006 at the age of 31 and immediately began the horendous experiences that many of you have been through.  First they did a lumpectomy with a setinal node biopsy and found 3 positive nodes and localized invasion around the original tumor.  The surgeon then suggested that I have a breast MRI to make sure there was nothing suspicious in the other breast or additional areas in the affected breast.  After that test they suggested a bilateral mastectomy along with removal of all nodes on the affected side and a few from the other side to be tested.  Thankfully all that came back negative and finally I was staged at a 2b.  I don't know why but I was obsessed with finding out my stage since in my mind the lower the stage the better the prognosis, although I realized, no matter what stage, there is always hope.  After healing from all of those surgeries and the infusal port placement I was ready to start on chemo.  I had 8 rounds every 2 weeks and had many many unpleasant side effects.  I was never so happy to have my last treatment on May 4, 2007.  Since that time I started on Femara and then was switched to Tamoxifen after my menstral cycles returned.  Through all my treatments and surgeries and days and sometime weeks of wondering and worrying, I never really broke down.  I always stayed strong and did what was asked of me trying my best to keep up with my job, kids, household duties, grocery shopping, and did it with great difficulty, but did it none the less.  I did not feel depressed.  I think I was just getting through it.  Now that all of that horrible stuff is over, I have never felt so depressed in my life.  At times I do not even want to get dressed and prefer to stay in my house doing meaningless stuff such as watching tv, playing games on the computer or reading a book. My memory is not anywhere near what it used to be and sometimes I feel as if I am going crazy.  I sometimes wonder if it is affects of the chemo or the Tamoxifen and often wonder if I will ever feel like my old self again.  I have never been a depressed person and this is very frustrating to me because I have always saw depression as a weakness but for some reason I cannot seem to get over this hump.  I do not handle stress very well at all anymore, I cannot focus on things that I need to focus on and have this ringing in my ears that just won't quit. 

And finally, my question is, does anyone else have this problem?  Will I ever feel normal again?  Why can't I just get over it and go on with my life?

Any responses would be appreciated.

Joanna

car

Joanna--are you seeing a medical onc? There really is such a thing as chemo brain, and add to it all that you've gone through it's not surprising that you have cognitive and emotional problems. I've been through 2 years of treatment and am dealing w/perimenopause (no chemo, rads, or tamoxifen), and my onc suggested lexapro and klonopin to help w/concentration and depression about 9 months into treatment. I jumped on it since I also realized that my recon had failed and that pushed me over the edge. I'd talk to your onc.

His PA also suggested a therapist who has been through 2 bouts of cancer herself. I've seen her 3 times of the past 2 years--just to get over the humps. I find someone who has a hx of cancer can really help you get things in perspective.

As to your last paragraph, I'm only now picking up and moving on (I have the remarks/compliments from friends lately to prove it) now that I'm finishing my recon. It's a process of ups and downs--so cut yourself some slack.

lexislove

Johanna,

I was diagnosed when I was 30. I just finished my Herceptin Nov 17 2008. I will have my expander exchange this coming fall. My memory is not the same either, and I can not multi task as I once did before. Today when I grocery shop I have to have a list, before no. I've read that the Chemo brain can take longer for some woman than others. Ive started to go for walks and workout, I find it helps with the anxiety that I have here and there.

I'm also on Tamoxifen, Lupron and the Zometa. At the beginning I had major mood swings, now they come and go quickly. I'm still adjusting to the "new" normal, but so happy to be able to put the last 15 months behind me. I can honestly say that BC does not occupy my every thought. Talk to your doctors about a mild anti depressant. I don't take one myself, but I know another young woman that did and it has helped her a lot. She does not plan to take them forever just for the time being. You went through a traumatic experience and we all handle things differently, we all move at our own pace. I bought the book Picking Up The Pieces by Sherri MacGee. Great book. I helped me look at things in a different perspective. Hope this helps. You have anymore questions just ask. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

j_beckett

car, thanks for your advice.  I don't mean to make it sound like I am always depressed because it seems to be getting better.  I was on an anti-depressant, effexor, for a short time and it helped but I come from a family history of addiction and never take anything for very long.  I did go to a therapist a couple of times and that seemed to help a little.  I do feel that talking to others who have been through what we have helps most.  I feel like others may just think I should get over it.  Sometimes I do too.  I was thinking the Tamoxifen was making me have the mood swings, depression, loss of cognitive functioning, etc and have since quit taking it which will probablly not sit well with my oncologist.  I just get so sick of having to go to the doctor all the time and taking medicine all the time.  I just want to be normal again.  Thank God I have not had to deal with neuropathy or lymphadema as some of you have.  I have had a problem with my veins being unhealthy though.  They tell me it is probablly from the chemo treatments.  My veins are very small and it is causing havoc with blood flow, especially in my head.  Have any of you had this problem?  I bend over or do anything that causes my heart rate to rise, even a little bit and my head feels like it is swelling due to the blood not flowing properly.

car

Chemo is very rough, Joanna. Though I didn't go through it myself, I had a friend who I thought was really having a tough time during her 2nd bout of chemo for colon cancer. There were telephone conversations where I just listened--she really had some bad days. I understand about meds--they aren't for everyone. But it has taken my friend quite a while to bounce back from the chemo.

baywatcher

Joanna-

You are not alone in your feelings. I can't remember what normal feels like, but I know that I am not there. The subject of breast cancer never leaves my mind. 

Traci-----TripNeg

Joanna,

First, I want to tell you that I am sorry you got cancer at such a young age. I'm sorry for all of us older gals too but I know second hand....that it sucks worse when you're so young.

My little sister was diagnosed at 29......11 years ago. I was diagnosed at 40 almost 2 yrs ago.

She bounced back. I haven't. I fake it pretty good most of the time....sorta like what your saying...you "function".....but deep down, I still think about it all of the time. I think mine might have something to do with the HORRIBLE reconstruction job I got....but whatever.

I honestly know that everybody handles it differently and I hope, and pray, that you are able to find a way to get it (reconstruction) fixed, if they do it wrong......and put it 'behind you' like so many beautiful, brave women on this site have that I look up to in awe....almost every day.

Hugs girl,

Traci

iodine

Hi Joanna, glad you got the courage to post and let us welcome you.

You are SO normal.  And to have to be on Tamox at such a young age is the pits.  I put up with all the things you mention for 2 1/2 years and finally gave up the tamox.   In about 6 weeks, my adult daughter welcomed me back---said the other lady was nice, but just not her Mom.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to finish the tamox but side effects ruined my quality of life and I decided I needed quality over quanity.

Being over 6 years out from diagnosis, I can agree with Sherri, it Does get better when you get proper treatment.  I come from an addictive family as well and could easily get hooked on something If I let myself.  Doesn't sound like you are in much danger of it tho, you sound very aware. 

Be assured that Effexor is not something that one can actually become addicted TO.  Anti depressants are not opiates or alcohol, so your body will not become dependent on it.  If it were to be an antibiotic (and some cardiacs have to be on them for 6 months sometimes) you would think little of it and not be fearful. 

Please consider your quality of life----ya just don't "get over it".  Would you or your family tell that to an person with an amputated leg or arm?  I didn't think so, so why do we expect stuff like that of ourselves who have had bilateral amputation of our breasts?

I hope you will begin to take care of YOU, as shocking as it may be to consider, so you can improve YOUR quality of life.  You've done the superwoman bit all thru treatment by taking care of everything else and when the world stopped spinning, you discovered all this time to actually consider that YOUR HAVE HAD FREEKING CANCER!!!!!!!!!!  and been thru a wringer that few will ever know about, let alone consider the long term after effects.

Blessings to you, Joanna, my heart goes out to you.

Anonymous

Dotti and all the ladies said it so well.  You've been through a very traumatic time.  I always say that I don't know how women with children and who are also working and going through chemo can do what they do.

It is so unfair that anyone gets this disease, but for those who are so young (and Traci, 40 is young too) I just hate it.  I have three daughters all in there 30s.  If one of them got this disease I would be devastated. 

I don't know why so many women feel they have to be superwoman.  It seems many women are so strong.

Here's a poem I love.  It sounds like so many women right here on this board.  Perhaps you have read it before.

When God Created Moms

by Erma Bombeck

When the good Lord was creating mothers,
He was into His sixth day of overtime, when an angel appeared and said,

"You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this one? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic; have 180 moveable parts, all replaceable; run on black coffee and leftovers; have a lap that disappears when she stands up; a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair; and six pair of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands...no way."

"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord. "It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."

"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. The Lord nodded.

"One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, "What are you kids doing in there?" when she already knows. Another here, in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't, but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, "I understand and I love you," without so much as uttering a word."

"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve gently, "Rest for now. Tomorrow..."

"I can't," said the Lord. "I'm so close to creating something close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick, can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of the mother very slowly. "She's too soft," she sighed.

"But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what the mother can do or endure."

"Can she think?"

"Not only think, but she can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you, you were trying to put too much into this model."

"It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."

"What's it for?"

"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness and pride."

"You're a genius," said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there."

Harley44

Joanna,

I don't have anything to add, but just want you to know that I am here, if you need a shoulder to lean on...

I was dx'd almost 2 years ago, and I was 43, but I don't know if I will ever get back to 'normal' again.  I hear about the 'new normal', but it is hard putting your life back together, after a bc dx.

The others have said it so well.  You are SO young!!   I wish I had more words of wisdom, but I don't.

Thinking of you and sending HUGS your way!! 

Nice poem, Shirley!

Harley