Accepting the Inevitable?

TripleNeg

Inevitable. That word has been following me around since 2004. I think that life has been more of fight since the threat of death has been around. I think what's making me so angry is the thought of my kids living without me. No mother wants to give up that right, especially to death. I just want to say to all of you, when I die please say a prayer for my kids. Pray that they will never forget what my hugs and kisses feel like. Going to church on Sunday mornings and all of us sitting in my bed watching movies with our little pomeraian Tugger. I don't know what's on the other side but I pray I've been good enough to people on this side for it to be a good place. God is able, stephanie

Judiiiii

Hi Stephanie.  I am so sorry that you're having to have those feelings.  Sad, and not pleasant.  I just wanted to let you know that I shall hold all the kids in my thoughts and prayers.  I know it's not much consolation, but my Mom died suddenly from a brain aneurysm when she was 39 and I was just 10.  I was left with my Dad and teenage brother.  And everyone, way back then, had both of their parents.  It was odd and I surely missed her, but I had a lot of support.  Please know that kids are very resilient.  Very.  I really wanted to tell you, though, that I still remember my Mom's hugs and kisses felt like and that we held hands in church.  I hope and pray that you still have plenty of time to make more memories.  In my thoughts and prayers, always.  Judi

Mykidsmom

Stephanie - I am also saying a prayer and sending a hug to you and your children. I know there is nothing I can say to ease your worries, but know that I care. Here's an internet hug coming your way my dear. - Jean

yellowrose

Sending you a PM. 

hollyann

Stephanie, I just want to take the time to thank you......You have been and still are an inspiration to me......I say a prayer for all BC sisters and their families for strength for all of us....My own mother passed away from bc when I was 8 and I still remember her hugs and kisses and laughter......Your children will remember also.....A mother's love is something none of us forget........Sending gentle cyber hugs your way, Stephanie.......

Jenniferz

Stephanie,

You and your family are and will continue to be in my prayers. You will never be forgotten.... your love for your children will be with  them forever.

Gentle hugs, many prayers,

Jennifer

Fitztwins

Honey, I believe in G*d and I believe in the life after. I think that we will be able to 'be around' for our kids, though they may not see us.

It breaks my heart to think of my babies with out me. So I don't. I just don't most of the time.

I read this wonderful book, We are their Heaven and Don't kiss them Goodbye, by Allison DuBois (from medium fame). She is religious too. Please read these books. It may put your mind at rest.

I sometimes am not afraid about dying but afraid for those who I leave behind. But I know that I have given them a lot in life to survive and my boys will be okay as yours will. They will survive and remember us with love and fondness. What more could we ask for?

You hang in there. I know that some days seem dark. But you have the light of the Lord in your life. Let him carry you now.

xo

Janis

2timer

No matter how things play out, I think that everyone will be ok.  Just today at work a co worker and I were talking about how life goes on (after job loss) and the place where we thought we were indispensible managed to go on without us.  Well life churns on no matter what happens and people heal and become stronger from adversity.  I know it makes you sad that you might not be around for your 2 boys as long as you would like, so I say stop thinking about it and concentrate on the time you do have with them.  No one knows what the future may bring, we can only control what is going on now.

I do feel terrible you're going through this and I pray that you find some mental peace.  I  know things must be difficult for you.

2timer

Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through all of this.

Analemma

Stephanie, I'm not religious, but I know that your faith gives you great comfort.  I think that the worst that breast cancer can do is to take a mother away from her children.  I don't know how old yours are, but I do know from your posts that you have made an impact on their lives that will always, always be with them, no matter that you can't be with them physically.  They are going to be OK.  Children have lost mothers throughout the ages - to childbirth fever, to fires as women cooked in long dresses, to illnesses that we don't even remember in this modern time.  They manage, they heal, but they remember.  It's okay.  Have peace.

slonedeb

steph you are breaking my heart you if anyone will be in heaven with our lord jesus i dont know how long i have left either but your kids will be in my prayers everday as you will step please dont give up keeep fighting the fight sister we love you and we need you here with us    ride out your storms love deb from ky

slonedeb

steph you are breaking my heart you if anyone will be in heaven with our lord jesus i dont know how long i have left either but your kids will be in my prayers everday as you will step please dont give up keeep fighting the fight sister we love you and we need you here with us    ride out your storms love deb from ky

YATCOMW

If there is anyone that will be up there with God it will be you.  You have been his loyal soldier and never have you left his side. You have provided so much strength to all of us here.

I lost my father right after graduation from college. I will tell you I have felt him with me.  I have felt him more during this breast cancer fight. Without a doubt I believe you will be beside them as they grow.  They will feel your presence too.

Jacqueline

Anonymous

Our children are THE reason we fight.  For as long as we can.  I know that's the ONLY thing that came to my mind when I was diagnosed.  So, rest assured that your children will have hopes and thoughts and wishes and prayers following them from everyone who you touched...through all of their lifelong journey. I know those are hollow words when you think of weddings and graduations and grandchildren.  But...this is all a lowly human can offer.  And so we do. 

nobleanna007

Steph,

    I don't usually post on this subject, but you truly broke my heart you have always seemed so strong and your values are remarkable, you have helped alot of us here. You are a very special person and your recent 2 posts have made me cry. I so know how hard it is to stay positive and I get very upset sometimes when I am having a bad day and need to just cry or vent and people just don't get it!!!! I am told I must stay positive all the time. Well you know what I don't although I am not at your stage I am stageIII but I do have lymphnode involvement so in my heart of heart I know eventually I probably wil get something else and move up. I go for my scans in a week or so and I am so scared! First ones I have had since completing all my TX. I was told my percentage for recurrence is at 30 or so%. Thats not good odds. But I have done all that I can do and just hope and pray that all is okay year after year. How do we live with that blackcloud hanging over you year after year. I hope this finds you in good spirits and know your truly a inspiration to me and alot of us on the boards!!!

                                                     BIG HUGS-Bridget

dreamwriter

a hug from dreamwriter

Danielle1

Please read this article. A cure for metastatic Breast cancer and colon cancer was found to be 100%. Although the number of patients used was small, I find this to be remarkable. How many more people are we going to let suffer!! I wish I knew how to bring this to light. I suppose at this point all I can do is bring it to the attention of as many people as possible.  

Please read article below. Dr. Nobuto Yamamoto also has articles published in Cancer Immunology and Immunotherapy journal. I was unsure if this information was false and so attempted to look up the articles myself at the University of Michigan Health Science Library, i found them.

 http://www.lewrockwell.com/sardi/sardi84.html

God Bless

luvtotravel

I read your post and it brought tears to my eyes.  I am not afraid of dying but I want to see my kids grow up.  I luckily have one in college, one is a jr. in high school and I have a daughter in 8th grade.  I want to see them grow up, graduate from college, and get married and see grandkids.  I want those hugs and kisses every day. Sometimes it is so hard to trust in God when we can't see his plan.  My biggest fear is that the kids will have no one.  My husband is having a kidney transplant Feb. 16

Roya

I hope that you don't mind my reading your post.  It made me very sad. I do believe that we should remain as positive as possible......at least for our family's sake.  Somehow, children seem to pick up on these things.  I realize this is not always possible in reality.

Someone on another thread was mentioning that they are making a memory book for their children and I thought that this was was an excellent idea. 

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

saint

HUGS stephanie!

I have had this discussion with other stage IV sisters & many of us feel we need to be able to express these feelings with others who understand; tho SAD, this is NOT negative. It is part of our reality!! IT SUX, but we can NOT change the facts!

Your are & always will be part of who your kids are. They will NEVER forget you. your hugs, your laugh, how you smelled in the morning, your touch on a fevered forehead...As I have told MY kids---they will always hear your voice. Sometimes I will be screaming. "What were you thinking??" but I'll be there none the less.......as my mom still is with me.

HUGS--be well & stay strong 

Debs-husband

Stephanie,

I know my wife and I share the same feelings you wrote in your post.  We have 4 kids - 13, 12, 10, and just-turned 3.  Every note of support she gets from my 10 year old breaks her heart.  The last one said, "I love you.  I'm always here for you.  I'll be sad when you leave me, but I know you'll be happy with God."

She's been fighting this horrible diesase since August 2005.  It's been a hard year this past year, and she is now in hospice care at home.  A month ago, we thought she only had weeks left, but she is still fighting hard, and she's talking about making it through the summer.

Be strong and keep on fighting.

saint

Hugs Debs dh-----seems to me that she is lucky to have you! I have always said I'd prefer to be the one WITH cancer than the one watching a loved one do battle! You will be in my prayers!

Be well & stay strong

dreamwriter

It is a sad situation.  A test of our strength and resolve.  It is also a time to accept the invitable with grace and love.  Our loved ones will forget the final days and remember trips to the park, ice cream cones,  Long walks and talks.  My years with Girl Guides (Girl Scouts in the US) have given me a network of friends.  Crossing over that was Baseball, a lot of those moms in Guides also were on the executive of the Baseball.  Now all this does is give me two part time jobs with no money, no appreciation, and  parents who were vocally abusive;  I got through with all that when one child outgrew baseball (age 21) and the other had no friends there and didnt want to continue.  It really was a relief for me.

Debs-husband

Thanks saint!  I am the lucky and blessed one to have been married to her for the years that we've been given (will be 16 if she can make it another month).

It's been a hard fight, which has grown harder this past year.  She had 2 back surgeries, and never fully recovered walking from the last one, April 08.  She was getting better walking with a walker when her latest hospital visit sidelined her mobility completely.  Due to nerve damage, she's completely immobile now.  It's so hard to see your wife go through this, but her spirit is so strong, it keeps our family going.

All of you, please stay strong and keep up the fight!

ElaineD

Deb's hubby-so sorry to hear your news. I do agree with saint, and feel that our loved ones suffer as much as we, the patients, do. It breaks my heart, as all I have ever wanted for my family was for them to be happy and secure, and I know that I'm the cause of so much worry and stress. We'll do our best to stay strong-it's the least we can do for all of you wonderful husbands, and partners. Love and hugs to you and your delightful family,xx