Holiday "greetings" from those who never acknowledged my cancer!

Roadrunner

I know this subject comes up time and again: friends and family who disappear when they learn of a cancer diagnosis. But I never imagined that getting chatty holiday form letters (or cards that have nothing but a signature) from them would depress me so much! In December 2007 I let everyone know that I'd had two recent cancer diagnoses (thyroid and breast) and would have a total of 4 surgeries in 15 months, plus chemo for the breast cancer. Many good friends and family members did come through for me, and I know I should just be grateful for them and not focussed on the ones who didn't, but it is harder than I thought. For this year's holiday card I sent a family picture with all of us looking healthy (which, thankfully, we are, now!) and now it seems there are many who said nothing all along but expect to proceed with our relationship as though I was never sick. This is really keeping me from "moving on." Anyone else struggling with this?

car

Roadrunner, my friend who couldn't deal w/the cancer simply disappeared (w/the exception of 1 or 2) and my take on the chatty card w/newsletter or photos w/no remarks is that it's careless card sending stuffing the same thing into envelopes.

That said, that sort of reaction just strengthens the feelings I have toward my sister (who really saw me through this) and my friends. Now that I'm about 2 years out, the issue doesn't come up as a "discussion point" so much, but it's clear that they're there for me.

I'm at the "it's not me it's them point," and try to focus on the positive changes in my relationships that resulted from my dealing w/BC.

All the best.

wishiwere

Not sure how you will or can do it, but you must.  It will only hurt your own defenses if you allow it to burn a hole in your heart and soul.  Let it go and remember those that were there for you and stood along side you through it all.  Those are the ones that deserve your attention and thoughts of good will, not the ones who were for what ever reason unable or unwilling to offer any form of support.  They are what they are and you can't change that.  BUT, you can change how you deal with someone in your situation when/if it should ever happen.  Learn from those who supported you best and put to rest those who who didn't.  They don't matter in the large scheme of life, and as you say, can only hold you back from completely healing and moving on.

I wish you luck and prayers to get there by concentrating on those you love and who love you and hope you can reach that time when this won't even cross your mind in the least bit!    {{hugs}}

Anonymous

I think that for me, I have realized that there are some people you thought would help and they didn't, some that you never dreamed would help and they did and those that did exactly what you thought they would.

Many times this experience is really a sifter .... we use wheat to make the flour for cakes not the chaff.  Put out your hand and blow the chaff into the wind.  And make a beautiful cake out of your life.

GryffinSong

Rocktobermom, what a beautiful metaphor!

Roadrunner

Thank you all for your replies. It's especially helpful to think about all the people who I never dreamed would help but did -- they certainly outnumbered the ones who didn't!  But I'm stuck with what to do about the "non-responders". Just take them off the holiday card list after 30+ years? Say I'm busy if they suggest we get together? I agree that continuing to hold on to anger and disappointment can only hurt me, but I feel like future relationships with many of these people will feel superficial for me, regardless. I don't know how to thoughtfully dump these people or even if I should. There are about 20-25 friends/cousins/former colleagues/friends from college, etc. who are going to continue to expect to hear from me in spite of the fact that they never said one word to acknowledge what I was going through. How stoic do I need to be? How does one "blow the chaff into the wind?" 

Anonymous

Well, I guess the first thing would be to "let go of the resentment" you have towards them.  You don't have to "forgive" them, since they aren't asking for that ... but you need to be able to breathe when you think of them.  I would pray about it if you are a praying person.  But if not ... take them off your Xmas list one by one.  If asked next year, just say you were saving money and your list was very short:  just immediate circle of family and friends.  If you only are worried about the seldom times you see them or need to contact them, this can be kind of easy since you don't see them in every day occasions.

Harley44

Rocktobermom,

That idea of baking a cake is wonderful!    I LOVE it!! 

Roadrunner,

I feel your pain.  I have others who have disappointed me throughout my bc journey, and even my post tx journey.  I hope I am finding a way to deal with them.  For sure, I don't get together with them very much any more, and I'm feeling alot better about it.  I think Time Heals All Wounds.

Sending HUGS your way!!!  and hoping for HEALING for us all!!!

Harley 

Marple

Don't let those you didn't help you put you in a place where you feel you can't go forward.  Don't let them have that power over you.  You've allowed yourself to feel angry and hurt.  Try not to let them rob you of the joy of moving on with your life as best you can.  I think we've all been unpleasantly surprised at who ran in the other direction when they heard and pleasantly surprised by others who couldn't get to our door fast enough. 

Anonymous

RR ... I am not saying that it will be easy to do this ... even that expression about blowing the chaff to the wind may sound easy but really, it's a lot of  work to get the chaff off the grain.  Here's what I mean:

The seed/berry and chaff do not come separately but the chaff is around the seed. The farmers didn't just throw the wheat in the air and the chaff came off.  They had to beat it or thresh the wheat.  Today, they use combines (which cost over a million dollars).   One man wrote this regarding the process: The chaff is an integral part of the plant, not some sinister fluff stalking the grain. Separating the wheat from the chaff is not about separating good folks from bad. That's too easy.

Before separating a part from itself, you need to break it. Threshing wheat requires violence. The wheat plant is broken. Separating the wheat from the chaff involves breaking one's lesser tendencies from the better. Indeed, the actual separating part is easy. Once the grain is threshed, wait for a breezy day and toss the threshed grain in the air. The wheat berries will bounce at your feet, the chaff blown away. People once knew this. wheat and chaff were not distinct elements until after the threshing.

So, it can be a lot of hard work on your part to do this ... but in the end,  you blow that chaff away, the useless things, and you look at the wheat ... the valuable things that you have left.  

Anonymous

Okay, I think I have a different perspective.  Some people just can't....for some reason they just can't look at someone really sick.  I'm not saying it's okay.  And then there are those who just can't be "bothered."  And there are those who just do not know what to do....dumb?  Yep.  I have a very good friend that ALL she did was send me cards with a note, but I know she prayed for me.  Not that she told me she was.  I just knew it.  She's not good at dealing with  BAD situations.  I even asked her to go to the radiologist with me because my dh was out of town and knowing how koo-koo I am I was afraid I'd miss something he was saying.  Another friend went with me...I could have done it by myself.  LOL  One of my brothers, his wife and I were not "speaking."  When he found out from another brother that I had breast cancer they called (they in a different state). 

You have been giving great advice.  For me I just had to let it go.  The ones who where here PHYSICALLY for me was all I needed. 

You will have to do what you think is best.  You could gently confront them, but I know how hard that would be.  Perhaps tell them you were hurt by not even getting a phone call. 

I'm sorry that this often happens to people who are either chronically ill or who are struggling through a diagnoses like ours that takes months to get through.  I think the most important people in my life at the time of my diagnoses and treatment were my three daughters and husband.  They were my rock, especially my daughters.  None of my daughters lived in the same town I lived in, but they were always around for me when I needed them and even went to a couple of onc appointments with us. 

I hope you find a resolution to the gnawing feeling you are having. 

Hugs

Shirley

iodine

BC is a terriffice house cleaner to move on from people who are not really contribuiting to our lives, or for that matter we to theirs.

If you only exchange cards and rarely meet these people, they are really not part of your life, or you of theirs. 

Personally, I want to spend my time with those I'm closer to and not waste it on superficial ones that I wouldn't call on to assist in an emergency.  I have lots of people I KNOW, but not that many that I'd spend the time and money for cards.  Know what I mean?

I ran into a bunch of folks after treatment who said they Meant to call or do or take me somewhere, etc, but just never got around to it.  I could feel their discomfort, but hey, I didn't feel THAT  close to them anyway.  I always just told them not to worry.  The friends who really ARE friends came thru---even better than my immediate family. 

You will decide how much of your life you want to turn over to these folks, but I hope you will decide to spend that sort of time with your REAL friends and enjoy them!

roseg

now it seems there are many who said nothing all along but expect to proceed with our relationship as though I was never sick. This is really keeping me from "moving on."

Hummm  - you can't move on because some friends want to proceed like nothing ever happened? It seems like that's kind of a good thing, as opposed to friends who act like you've got a foot in the grave!

Everybody moves on in different ways. I think that friends are pretty important. While some are more steady than others I like to have them and would hesitate to jettison any over a period where they weren't as reliable as I'd have liked.

I say that because I've found that friends I had before I had kids who I drifted away from when my kids were little have kind of drifted back. I don't dislike or resent them for not being around when I had little kids and they didn't. Little kids are an acquired taste. But now that I'm out of that phase I'm happy to have old friends, even if they haven't been quite so steady. 

And I find that I have friends who had kids later in life that I kind of avoid now because they're all about their little kids and I've been there and done that. In ten years, God-willing, I hope we'll be back to hanging around with them.

I don't think there is harm in keeping folks on your Christmas list. None of us know what the future will bring and whatever it brings I want some friends!

jerseymaria

i think that supposed "friends" disappearing is probably common.  before my hubs cardiac arrest he was chief of a large police dept. with many friends falling all over him.  after the event they vanished pretty quickly.  didn't bother me that much because i knew that most of them were friends because he was in a powerful position.  what did bother me was the gradual disappearance of the 30+year friends.  i do understand in that he is not the person he was before but it still hurts somewhat.  i think that it's part of human nature for some.

Shirl

I also had bc and thyroid cancer.  I had and still have a great support group but find that

sometimes my greatest support comes from my friends rather than family with the

exception of my husband and kids. 

Anonymous

The other thing to remember is that just because they aren't great friends for dealing with Cancer, they may not really be friends, just because you've known them a long time ... maybe they are still "acquaintances" ... and if some other situation comes up, maybe they will be there.

Some friends are not for everything ... some friends are for going out with, some are for leaning on, some are for discussing politics or religion, some are for helping out with kids, some are for playing sports with .... 

Maybe they are not what you thought they should be ... but they are what they are.

barbe1958

I think you don't have to "do" anything with them. Ignore them like they've ignored you! Why is a resolution necessary? They've made the decision for you, it's that simple! A lot of people are afraid of what can be terminal disease (think AIDS) and don't know how to deal with their own emotions and fears, never mind yours!

Also, consider that they feel you might have moved on and don't want to bring up the issue. My step-daughter called the night before my double mx and said "Hi, how are you?" I said, "You do know that I go in for surgery tomorrow?" and she said, "Yes, but I didn't know if you wanted to talk about it." That was my step-daughter! Can you imagine how your friends feel? They might also feel they are prying or bringing up an issue that you are tired of talking about. 

How did you react when one of your friends had a cancer issue? Can you imagine how hard it is to react and how much you would worry you were saying or doing the wrong things? There is another thread where people are complaining how nosy their friends/coworkers and family are. So there are both ends of the stick on this one.

Ignore the bad, embrace the good.