Anybody else have this problem?

redheadace1

I guess this probably doesn't have much to do with cancer, but I just recently finished lumpectomy and radiation for DCIS (finished 10/16/08). During all the cancer stuff I was single and couldn't imagine ever wanting anyone to touch me again. Towards the middle of treatment I started emailing and chatting with an acquaintance of mine. We're both highly verbal and love the "banter" thing. Often when we were talking or chatting online I felt as though we were "dancing" perfectly together. Since he's also attractive physically and he was stimulating my brain (my biggest erogenous zone!) I became infatuated with him. We went on a couple of dates. Now, even though I didn't really want to be sexual during the cancer stuff, I kept wishing I had someone to hold me and reassure me.  Coming out of the cancer treatment, I found I had a new, sort of "seize the day" perspective. So I was particularly open to this man. After all, I could get cancer again anytime, shouldn't I get the love I could now, before that happens? So I let things go sort of fast. We're in a relationship now and have been so for about 3 weeks. He's a great lover and a playful spirit. The problem is, I have a curse. I don't know if it's because of some weird sexual stuff with my dad when I was younger, but as soon as I get close to a man I start to doubt and find fault and want to end things, even if things were so powerful in the beginning. I have a gazillion ex-boyfriends because of this (most of whom are still close friends of mine). I can be powerfully attracted one day and almost repelled the next. It's horrible. 

 This man is 14 years older than I am, so I've started focusing on that, and on some other "negatives" (which probably aren't that big a deal). I was so infatuated with him in the beginning that I could hardly eat, and now I'm wondering what I'm doing! 

I know it's a pattern I have--infatuation, then rejection. I'm trying to change it by thinking of the doubtful times as being like clouds in the sky--they will pass. But it's difficult, because I don't know how many of my doubts come from a legitimate place and how many come from my own dysfunction (which is substantial). I'm just so sad, though, because now that I've had cancer I know more than ever before that time is short and precious. I want to enjoy love now. I don't want to waste endless days giving in to my dysfunction and waiting and waiting for perfection that doesn't exist. 

I guess I'm kind of doing a late-night ramble. Has anyone else noticed that having cancer brings you to a more loving place? I was always affectionate, but now I have this incredible warm feeling for most other humans. I feel blessed to be here, to be able to continue to love.

But this romantic stuff, it's so hard for me. I'm always on such an emotional rollercoaster.

I'm seeing a therapist, and she encourages me to try to relax and enjoy the connection. Easier said than done! I'm trying. Sometimes I notice that if I feel distant when I first see him, some affectionate action on my part can actually make me feel closer again. Sort of a "fake it till you make it" thing. Is that dishonest?

Anyway, I guess my question is-- does anyone else experience this sort of pattern and, if so, how do you deal with it? How can we use the reprieve we've been given as survivors to outrun our neuroses and get some loving done?

Sorry for the long ramble. 

Anonymous

Hi Red

Im sorry that you feel so disconnected with your man....I went through my bc journey alone but 7 months ago met a man that I am blissfully happy with....

I havent the reasons behind your distancing yourself from someone who cares for you but I have had lots of issues with similar feelings that you have....The "things are fantastic in the beginning, then its all downhill from there" club is what I have called it in the past....

I have found something in the relationship that I have never had before and its a wonderful feeling to know that I have finally met the love of my life and will spend the rest of my life with him.

I think there is a special connection between two people that are fated to spend their lives together and we will all know it when we meet that right someone....I know I did.

I guess my advice to you would be.....just as you said: we have a reprieve and a second chance at happiness so we need to find it and hold on to it for dear life...

If you really care about this man, talk to him....tell him how you are feeling....if he loves you he will help you work through the things that are bothering you.

I dont think we can outrun anything in life, but we can sure face it face to face and win....

Best wishes

Jule

Anonymous

redheadace1....I know EXACTLY what you mean and spent alot of time with men who were hot until they reciprocated and, then, they grossed me out and I found fault with whatever I could in order to speed up the breakup. Having explored this unhealthy pattern of mine and concluding that it had to do with my feelings about the relationship between my mother & father, I have been able to consciously dismiss my craziness and actually step beyond it. Sure it still rears its ugly head and understandably so since it has been a lifelong pattern. BUT, as you have found, cancer gives us a new & wonderful awareness of the immediacy of things and the exigency of "living life like you mean it" (my favorite quote!). And love is not only part of that total immersion into the thick of life, but it is absolutely key. Soooooooo, I suggest this: continue to work with your therapist on these issues and ways to modify your behavior in order to create for yourself a brand new pattern. You might also want to try something that works for me (taken from behavior mod techniques): when you start thinking your crazy thoughts, command yourself to list the actual evidence that verifies your impressions and feelings (realistically, that is, in light of ALL of the evidence, both pros and cons)....AND THEN promise yourself, very deliberately, that you're not going to let YOUR pathology spew all over him and the relationship. Finally, as a last resort, I'd encourage you to, indeed, "act as if" or "fake it till you make it." IT WORKS FOR ME!

Good luck, sweetie. Not get off here and go screw that old man !!!!

~Marin

redheadace1

Jule--Thanks for responding. I'm so glad you've found your true love. And Fitchik--some very good advice. I'm going to stick with things for a while and enjoy what I have. Right now I'm feeling close to him, but my emotional weather changes. We'll see. Maybe this relationship is the one that will break some bad patterns.

 Thanks again,

Ace 

Anonymous

Red,

your very welcome.....

maybe if you keep talking to us here we can help you with the emotional changes...sometimes it helps to talk things over with an outside party....

Anyway, I hope you can make it through the stormy times as having someone you can count and depend on is a very comforting thought..

Jule

mzmiller99

Wow, when I read your post, it really hit home! 

My relationship with my dad, however, was just the opposite...he never hugged me until I was an adult and moving a thousand miles away.  I've always used that as the reason I couldn't stay interested in any man for very long, but obviously, there must be some other cause.

Good luck with therapy.  It can do wonders if you hook up with the right therapist.

Jule is right, sometimes an outside party can see through the layers and cut right to the heart of the problem.

redheadace1

Well--update. I've been up and down, infatuated and repelled. But I've found that I can get through the bad times if I don't make a big deal about them.

 But now, it's really hard. I've had to go off my beloved Wellbutrin to switch to Lexapro so I can start Tamoxifen (argh), and I feel like someone just switched me off inside--not just toward my guy, but toward life. Not suicidal, just really apathetic and withdrawn. I'm just getting up to the full dose of Lexapro and finished the Wellbutrin on Friday, but I feel like a slug! Libido disappeared, orgasms almost impossible. Yuck. I've taken a few days to myself to try to adjust. I'll let you all know how it goes. Keep your fingers crossed that I'll wake up again emotionally. I don't like this at all.

Done whining now. 

Linny52

This can be a very lonely time, I am a divorced woman who came into bc alone and can't even imagine what it was like to snuggle with someone. I feel old and ugly, but am trying desperately to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I dreaded the holidays but made it through Xmas just I just have to get through New Years now. Stay strong and take it day by day. when this journey is over you will again find your passion, we all need to believe that.

mzmiller99

Linny52 - Would a cyber snuggle do? ((((((((())))))))! 

We all need to believe we'll get back our passion...and not just our libidos. 

 I just feel somewhat disconnected from the things I used to love to do.  Of course, it could be the winter doldrums, too.

femme

Dear Redheadace1,

Although I am not a single woman I came across something that you said that interests me very much, Wellbutrin.  After a pbm(LCIS) and failed recon due to medical mistakes made by the ps, I am very depressed.  I have tried Zoloft but got a rash .  I am now on 150 mg of Wellbutrin a day. It's been 10 days and so far it hasn't worked.  Could you tell me your experiences with it.  You can pm me if you wish.

As far as passion and feeling good about one's body goes, even with a husband, it is hard.  I am starting to feel better about my body and when I walk around in a tank top at home, I tell myself that I look like "The Little Dancer" by Degas.  So I am making progress.  i also feel like we are starting all over again, me with a new body, and my husband.  I want him to see my scarred chest and caress it..  A big order, what a trip this has been!

femme 

mzmiller99

Femme - my experience with Wellbutrin, which I was on since the dark ages, it seems, was that it took two or three weeks before I started feeling any effect.  My family seemed to notice before I did!

My daughter, who's in the medical field says that the generic does not work like the real thing.  It metabolizes faster, I think she said.  But, with insurance being the way it is, probably most of us are on the generic.

Anonymous

As I read the reports regarding what so many are going through, I keep hearing the "this too shall pass" phrase run through my head. But I think that having had cancer makes each of us less willing to accept circumstances we know could be different because living fully in each day means that we have to feel free to do that-- to live fully. The negative effects of the chemo, surgeries and post-tx drugs certainly make that a very challenging task! But there IS so much hope, my chicas, and really, this WILL pass. Feeling depressed and lonely doesn't last forever and neither does feeling unattractive and sexless. And then, of course, there's the jolliness of the holidays which, I know, can make many of us want to bury ourselves under the covers until it's all over. Sometimes "ho-ho-ho" is the best way to bring on a severe attack of nausea, right?

Anyway, beyond that I just want to say that I'm so glad we have this place to come to share this stuff and get comfort or even advice. I know that I, for one, wouldn't have gotten through the past 3 years without the wonderful women here. So, without sounding too sugary or crazy-wild festive and celebratory (), I'll wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

~Marin

Anonymous

I also want to add this special message to Linny52: I hear ya, girl. Last year at this time, I was completely alone and felt as though that would never change. As a last resort, I decided to throw myself into the online dating thing, if only to keep me busy and amused with messages, etc. from unknown men. Well, it truly turned out to be a good time to hit the sites...I'm guessing there were also some pretty lonely men out there too. And one of the things I learned from meeting such a variety of guys is that each one of us has secrets and aspects about ourselves that we fear will make us undesireable and unwanted.

The shorter story is that, after several brief "relationships," I met a man last April who I've been with since. I won't say the "L" word or anything, but I really care for him so much and he clearly returns the sentiment. We spend most of our non-working hours together and he gives me enormous pleasure, both as a lover and as a very close friend. I seriously NEVER thought that I would ever again be in such a relationship or be so happy with a man. My point? If it can happen for me, it can definitely happen for you. Really.

In the meantime, get thee to a spa, woman, and see how beautiful, youthful and HOT you can look & feel!

~Marin

mzmiller99

Marin - Thanks for the New Year wish!!

Linny52 - Get thee to a spa, but stay far, far away from the fitting rooms at Victoria's Secret!!!  OMG!  Was that fat, flabby, bumpy, lumpy body really me?  I was hoping I was looking at some other old lady's body!!  Not to mention the mini boob (the reason I was in there)!

It upset me so much , that I came home and finished off the last of the Christmas cookies!!

Anonymous

Susan, sweetie, one should stay away from ANY & ALL fitting rooms, IMO! They are constructed to make us feel that we need all of the costly "corrections" and camouflage that their lovely clothes and products offer.

And I have heard, and sincerely believe, that Christmas cookies are good for the soul!

~Marin

femme

Dear FitChick,

Your post of Dec 30,th 3:14 PM was lovely.  Your sweet optimism coupled with your 2 feet standing firmly on the ground, was very inspiring to me!

femme 

Anonymous

Thanks, femme. BTW, I like your screename...when I was creating mine, I considered "FitFemme"!

I hope that everyone had a decent (dare I say "happy"?) holiday. We were low-key for New Years, but made a giant crock pot of spicy collards and black-eyed peas. I'm a fan of spicy, but my man is less so....it certainly cleared our sinuses though !

~Marin

mzmiller99

Christmas cookies are definitely one of life's guilty pleasures, but being a damned Yankee, I've never had collard greens, spicy or not, or black-eyed peas!  Sounds yummy, though.

redheadace1

Hi, all. Marin, thanks so much for your positive and encouraging posts. Linny and Susan, I think you both look quite pretty in your pictures. I agree with Marin about the fitting room mirrors. They are sadistic!

I am feeling better, a bit. More like myself, though definitely not back to the positive state I was in on Wellbutrin. But I am feeling less numb and anxious. Still struggling with the fickleness, but we had a nice, deep talk today and I felt better. What I think I do--probably as a defense mechanism--is just focus on all the negatives in a partner, and roll them up into this big, ugly ball/wall. I do that in the rest of my life, too--focus on the negative more than I should. Today, we were lying in bed and I was feeling distant and I started just saying out loud the things I LIKE about him. With every word spoken, I felt myself warming up and feeling closer to him. And the thing I have to remember through all of this is that, at base, he is my friend, and I care deeply about what happens to him. So when the romance is away, I think of the friendship.

Femme, how goes it with the Wellbutrin? For me it was a miracle drug. I have had very severe depression with suicidal ideation and it made me feel like a new person! Plus I got my libido back, and there were no sexual side effects. I would stick with it; I felt weird at first, and it took a few weeks to really kick in. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me. It's strange, but the hardest part of the BC for me is giving the Wellbutrin up to take the Tamoxifen (took my first Tamox about an hour ago). Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions.

To all of us beautiful creations--Happy New Year! And thanks for being so supportive.

Ace 

femme

dear redhead and anyone who has info on Wellbutrin,

I am very very depressed.  It took a while for my  failed recon (AFTER A PBM) and the problems relating to my skin graft, to get to me.  So much of my breasts were necrotic, they needed a skin graft from my thigh to patch things up.  My chest looks like Raggedy Ann only square, on one side.  I went through everything putting one foot in front of the other and was not depressed then. Everyone said I was so strong and I thought I was also.  ( By the way, the ps doctor made serious mistakes and is being investigated by the Dept of Misconduct of the Medical board of my state.)

Then 4 or 5 months later, the depression came full force. I can't shake it. I tell myself that I have a wonderful life to come back to, but I can barely function. I need an anti depressant and my psychopharmacologist feels this is the best one for me.I got a rash from zoloft and cymbalta and effexor made me dizzy. I have been on Wellbutrin for 19 days and so far no reaction.  I am told it will take 3-4 weeks.  Did it kick in slowly or did you just feel better one day?

femme 

Calif-Sherry

Femme, my PS was so gawd-awful that I reported him and mailed pictures to all the other doctors.  My one pc doctor was so appauled that she said she would not recommend anyone to him until he gave her an explanation on why he did the things that he did!  People just don't understand how this effects who you are.

redheadace1

Hi, all. Femme, I sent you a PM. Calif-Sherry, I'm so sorry you had such a terrible experience. I hope you had some kind of positive resolution.

To update on my relationship: It's going well! I think I'm overcoming some of my bad patterns. I feel on the verge of falling in love. It's hard to trust that, though. I keep thinking of myself in terms of my past experiences, when I was severely depressed and suicidal and there was always drama. But I think I've undergone a change. Gradually, I have become a more positive person. The BC made me realize down to my bones that I want to be here on this planet. I keep thinking my man needs to get to know my dark side, because it's such a huge part of who I am. But the mistake is, I think that part of me has diminished; it's just not there the way it was before. But I don't know quite how to bond in this new place. Laughter, maybe? Easy affection? Acceptance? Wow! New stuff for me.

Anyway, I feel pretty good, and I'm so glad I have you all to talk to.

God bless,

Ace 

mzmiller99

Ace - It's so good to hear your optimistic side!  So, do you think we do ourselves in because we don't feel worthy of love, for some reason?  Here's wishin' for you, kid!

How's the tamox, or is it too soon to ask?

Susan

Anonymous

Way to go, Ace! My advice is to try and go with the flow. For me, spur-of-the-moment/knee-jerk reactions always get me in trouble. Just keep it low on drama and you might be pleasantly surprised!

~Marin

Mamie2

Redheadace, i can identify with you too. I was divorced in 1993, and have flown solo ever since. I often wondered what would happen to me if I was ever going to be diagnosed with something like breast cancer. How would I cope on my own? I too, get infatuated and then repel a brief love interest. So now I've minimized my interest in men altogether. I feel pretty good right now, holding on to the feelings of physical normalcy because I don't know what is down the road for me in terms of treatment yet. I have my sentinel node biopsy this Wednesday, and then I guess I'll learn my options. I have a gazillion questions. I feel very privileged to be here on this forum and benefitting from the wisdom of everyone here. So I just wanted to thank everyone. And Ace, I'm so glad you are feeling a change for the better! How inspiring.

mzmiller99

Mamie2 - good luck on your upcoming SNB.  You have questions?  We (well, maye not me, so much) have answers!  This is a great forum for answers and just kindness and understanding.

Susan

redheadace1

Hi, all. Well, I'm feeling fickle again. The poor guy. I'm just trying to keep the lines of communication open. The age difference is bothering me, and I have a roving eye. I just have to remember, though, that I have a roving eye no matter who I'm with. I'm so upset that the Lexapro has pretty much destroyed my ability to have orgasms. I posted about that on the other thread. It's so frustrating. I feel like we have to give so much up to keep the C at bay. I don't know. 

 I'm so glad you are all out there and are so supportive. Mamie2, thanks for responding. This up and down of emotions is so awful. It's really made me feel insane sometimes. How can you be repelled by someone in the a.m. and then feel in love with him at dinnertime? He tells me these fluctuations are normal. The fluctuations might be, but the degree isn't. But I'm repeating myself. 

Mamie2---I'll be praying for you on Wed and sending you good thoughts.

Susan--The Tamox is going really well so far. No real side effects. It was making me extra sleepy and exacerbating my cataplexy at first, but I started splitting it into two doses, a.m. and p.m., and that helped a lot.

 Keep in touch, all, and thanks for responding.

 xo,

c 

Anonymous

Welcome to the Singles forum, Mamie! Please know that we are absolutely here for you!

~Marin