Regrets

kamico3

I  am 56 and was diagnosed two months ago with IDC, have had a lumpectomy and a re-excision, and am now trying to decide whether to just do radiation and hormone therapy or do chemo too. (Cancer is Stage 1, hormone receptor positive, lymph nodes negative. Oncotype is 19.) All of these decisions are tough enough, but I also find myself having a hard time dealing with lots of regrets and self-doubts about what I could have done or should have done to avoid getting cancer. Some things I know there's no point regretting, like the fact that I got my first period early and the fact that I had my only child late (age 40, after five miscarriages). Even the fact that I did hormone replacement therapy for five years starting about 10 years ago (early menopause) doesn't fill  me with regret so much, because that was the best medical advice back then. But I do regret having allowed myself to gain 20 pounds in the past 10 years, not exercising enough, and liking to drink a glass of wine (and maybe two on the weekends) with dinner. I never really worried about breast cancer because there's no history of it in my family (although who knows... my mother and both of my grandmothers were all dead before age 50... but not from cancer) and I was more worried about heart attacks and strokes (common in my family). Frankly, I was shocked when I was diagnosed. I know that these kinds of regrets do absolutely no good and probably just bring my mood down more, but I'm having a hard time shaking them. Does anyone else out there struggle with this?

Anonymous

Kamico

I think we ALL suffer with the regrets of the "what if's" in our lives....

I sometimes wonder what if I had done this or what if I had done that, but ya know what????

I made the decisions that I felt were best at the time and tried to never look back....so far my treatment decisions appear to be good as Im two years out now with no sign of its return..

We all have regrets in life, but we have to find a peaceful place in our hearts for them...

Hugs

Jule

Anonymous

Kamico - I agree with with Jules and am usre we all have some of those regrets or "what if's"  - we can't change the past - the only thing we can affect for ourselves and others is the future.  Did you know that only  about 5% of breast cancers diagnosed are heridatary ?  that number seems surprisingly low to me.  I atill drink wine - because it brings me joy - I get together with friends who all enjoy good food and wine - and I want to enjoy the food and wine with them!  You might want to talk to your doctors about some meds for helping you with your moods - or consider talking with a social worker or therapist for awhile  -  either anti-depressants or anti-anxiety - many of us need some help as we're grappling with decisions and going through cancer treatment. 

This is  a hard journey! 

Hugs,

Doreen  

otter

kamico, I could have written these same words 10 months ago:  "But I do regret having allowed myself to gain 20 pounds in the past 10 years, not exercising enough, and liking to drink a glass of wine (and maybe two on the weekends) with dinner. I never really worried about breast cancer ... I was more worried about heart attacks and strokes (common in my family)."

The thing is, almost every one of us has done something in our lives that has since been identified as a "BC risk factor."  There are a few women on these boards who swear they've lived perfect lives--but, heck, they have BC, too!

I have also gained too much weight--maybe 15 pounds in the past 10 years.  And I don't exercise enough.  And my dh and I have had a glass of wine with dinner for, oh, the past 20 years.

Is that what caused my BC?  Maybe, but I doubt it.  I know enough about cell biology and molecular genetics to understand that it isn't just one thing, or two, that causes breast cancer to develop.  It's way more complicated than that.

Even if it was the weight gain, or the sedentary lifestyle, or the wine, I can't do anything about that now.  What I can do is change what happens next.   If it is true that being overweight, even just a little bit, is a risk factor, I can get my butt moving and lose some weight--even just a little bit.  I did cut back on the wine, but, hey, I'm in the same situation you are in--the vast majority of the deaths in my family have been from heart disease or stroke, not cancer; and I thought for sure that's what would get me, too.  And, red wine is supposed to help with that, right?  So I balance the two risks and have a half a glass of wine, or maybe a glass every third evening.

One thing I know for sure:  something is going to kill us, no matter what we do.  So I wear my seat belt, and I don't do drugs, and I never started smoking, and I look both ways when crossing streets, etc.  There is only so much you can do, and still live your life.  And, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change the past.  So, you have to let it go.

Hugs,

otter 

NancyD

kamico, there are plenty of women on this site who did everything right and still got breast cancer. Didn't gain weight, didn't drink, had their children at the right age, didn't use HRT. The thing is, there are just too many variables and too many kinds of breast cancer to say one or two things caused you to get it.

I gained some weight after menopause, and I like my glass or two of wine. But I exercised regularly, even did a half-marathon for charity just a year before I was diagnosed. There is nothing I can say I did that "caused" my cancer. Unless you were given some kind of warning by a reliable MD that you were practicing risky behavior and had exposed yourself to a breast cancer virus (I'm making this up, obviously), the life you lived is the same as thousands of other women who did not and will not get breast cancer.

Here's an analogy. You go to the mall and find a parking spot very close to the entrance. Now, you could park quite a bit away where there are no other cars, but you take the spot close to the door because 1) You've had a long day and you're a little tired and 2) it will be easier to carry your bundles back to there. When you come back out, you find someone has smashed into your parked car. Now you could feel regret for not parking far away but you had no way of knowing some jerk would be so wreckless. And you had some viable reasons for parking there.

Now, I have thought about my behavior that might possibly have made my body more receptive for breast cancer and I have to say that I can't put my finger on anything that I would have changed. Nothing is definitely linked, say, as much as smoking is to lung cancer. In my mind anyone who smokes in this day and age after the connection between smoking and lung cancer was made has to have a death wish. So until there is some discovery that connects a particular behavior/habit/condition to causing breast cancer, I don't think any of us should have regrets about our lives. We should be looking forward to what we have in front of us and figuring how to best use that time.

tiff2008

Otter & NancyD- Very well put!  Thank you for that!

kamico3

Thank you all for your thoughtful, kind words. I do think I'll get past the regrets part, especially once I get a real treatment plan going. I had my re-excision almost exactly a month ago and since then it has been "hurry up and wait, " waiting for the results of the Oncotype test, waiting for an appointment with my oncologist, and now... since I haven't been able to decide about chemo or no chemo... waiting for an appointment with another oncologist for a second opinion. I think that the waiting makes it easier to focus on non-helpful thoughts!

Lucy47

Kamico3

Please don't beat yourself up ....you have done nothing wrong. Last year after I was dx, I too questioned myself and then I went to see my oncologist and I have no risk factors at all. ie have never taken the PILL, am not over weight, exercises daily, eat all my fruit and veg ( only have meat about 2x a month), have a glass of wine 2-3 x a month, no one in my family had bc, had both children before age 28 and breast feed both and I have never smoked. The fact of the matter is that 70% of women who get bc have no risk factors....so how do we explain that?  I agree with otter it's cell biology and molecular genetics. I will not blame myself and you shouldn't either...unfortunately SH-T happens.

scarp

Kamico- I think you hit the nail on the head.  WAITING  The more you wait the more you think.  Once the waiting is over and you have a plan in place you will feel much better.  Nothing is worse than the waiting.  Nothing!  It drove me insane.

I do not ever think what caused my BC because I don't think we'll ever know.  I do not regret how I lived my life.

Tamara67646

I also appreciated reading the comments on this thread - it helped me come to terms with the regrets.  I was on birth control for years; took depo prevara for a couple of years to help shrink a fibriod tumor and also enjoyed a glass or two of wine with dinner on many nights and really enjoy a good rib eye steak.  Those are the only risk factors I can remotely reference.  Oh yeah, and I missed my mammogram in 2007 (dx after my routine mammogram in 2008) 

  I have tried hard to not think of the "what ifs' and in my heart really don't think it would have made a difference - too many women have done all those same things and don't get bc.  Now, I am just trying to find the right balance with healthy habits (a few less glasses or wine, a little less red meat) and enjoying the things I enjoy.

I spoke with a neighbor recently who was dx a few years ago with colon cancer at age 35 - she had alway been fanactical about her diet and exercise.  She said the experience actually caused her to lighten up some and take more enjoyment in what she eats and how she exercises.  

All we can do is make the best decisions we can for ourselves at the time.  No regrets.  

lisa-e

I think the greatest risk factor for developing breast cancer is being female.  It is a risk factor I can not change and I do not regret being female.

Jellydonut

Kamico,

Maybe this will ease your regret:  BC has been with us since the stone ages, before it had a name.  Do you think those women took HRT, or ate foods with chemicals, or took The Pill?

As Lisa stated the greatest risk is being female and I'll add, having breasts.

In the beginning, I too had regret that I took HRT for 20 years and felt it surely was responsbile for my cancer.  Since that time I've read about the history of BC and now have no regrets.  We STILL don't know the cause and we have to stop beating ourselves up for even thinking that we have done something to cause it - WE DID NOT. 

Best to you,

Jelly

bluedasher

Here's my risk background - risk lowering: started puberty very late, 3 full-term pregnancies with the first one when I was 22 and last before 30. Nursed all three for about a year each. No HRT and only a couple of years on the pill.

risk raising: late menopause - I'm 56, had periods until 55 and one straggler just after my 56 birthday. Well more than 20 pounds over weight. Maybe 1 to 4 glasses of wine a week, usually the lower number - but that's suppose to help with some other risks so I can't feel bad about that.

Anyway, all those risk raising factors are linked to Estrogen and my cancer is ER-/PR- so what my Estrogen levels were doing shouldn't have affected it. I think means that they didn't lead to my cancer. Plenty of women get cancer regardless of their risk factors - and the number of women with none is probably pretty small.

smithlme

If I had regrets, it would be that I was born...being BRCA 2+ my cancers are genetic and no one knows when they will "fire off."  No matter what I eat, drink, weigh, what age I started my period, stopped my periods, the fact that I breastfed 4 kids, it doesn't matter. I can't let my mind wander down that road. I have to focus on living my life the best way I can and pray my genes let me have many healthy years...

Linda

OliviaLu

OliviaLu wrote:  On my 60th birthday I learned I had breast cancer..I told my husband I wanted a party, not a "pitty party"!!!

I just had surgery for IDC Stage I , lumpectomy on Jan. 6 2009.  I know I will have to have radiation and not sure about hormone therapy.  I go to the doctor on the 14th to discuss the pathology report.  I went through regrets too in the beginning the what ifs and so on.  I realized Its addressing and using my energy on the healing process that matters.  We can't change the past, but we can change our outlook and put all our energy in getting well.  I'm surrounding myself only with positive people, no "Debbi Downers"!  I'm eating healthy and when I can I'll start exercising.I truly believe things happen for a reason.  I'm taking this time to reflect and decide how I'm going to live the rest of my life.   Take Care , Kamico 3