It's back

puckett

4 1/2 years ago, my wife was diagnosed with a stage I tumor in her left breast. Lumpectomy, some chemo and 6 weeks of radiation. All seemed fine.

4 weeks ago, after she pointed out a small lump to her oncologist, we started all over again. Well, it's back in the same breast. Good thing is that so far all of the tests, including a PET scan have not showed any other involvement.

Dec 8 she will have a bi-lateral mastectomy. She does not want to go through this ever again.

I am having a VERY difficult time understanding what she is going through. I am always Mr. positive, but this time around all it does it piss her off. I am of the mindset of 'get it done and move on.'

Any insight from other care givers on how to handle the " I'm loosing part of what makes me a woman".

Thanks

DianeE

I was just having a similar discussion with my husband, who like you is very positive and has a similar mindset.  One year ago I had a double m after 5 months of chemo and then rads to follow.  I have a PET next week and I am beyond scared and when my husband says "its fine" deep down I know he is nervous and trying to be positive but it makes me feel like he does not want to allow me to express my feelings and that I should bury them for the sake of  the others in our life.  Tell your wife that you did not marry her for her breast and you love her for her.  Her feelings will swing from high to low and there might be days she forgets about the surgery and other days it will be all she thinks of all day and night.  It is part of the journey that we have been put on and most days would like to jump off. 

Good luck to you and your wife.  You will make it through this.

Diane

Firelady

Talk to her and, more importantly, listen to her.  Hold her without being asked.  Tell her how much you love her for who she is, how beautiful her smile is, how pretty her eyes are, how happy you are to have her as your partner, companion, and lover.  When she feels down, remind her of her strengths and let her know you're there for her and you wish you knew what to do to make her feel better.  When to do these things will depend on how she's feeling, but these are examples of what my husband did for me.  Sometimes he just held me while I cried.  He was very patient with me.  I wish you both the best!  You're in my prayers...

mom2two

Sometimes its hard to believe the personal things we share on this board but if it helps anyone, here goes.......after I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had decided on the bilateral mastectomy there was a night where my hubby and I were having an intimate moment when hubby started to go for the "ladies", I stopped him and told him I was mad at them and not to involve them in the process, he quickly joined in and said "thats right, I forgot we're mad at them" and we proceeded to have a lovely time without them.  I can't tell you how much his joining me in my moment of protest against what the "girls" were putting me through meant to me. I will always remember it. Somehow it made me feel like I wasn't facing this thing called breast cancer by myself. Plus it assured me our love life would go on even without breasts. I am 7 weeks post op and didn't have reconstruction and we are finding the passion just fine without them. In other words maybe she just needs you to be where she is right now. There is even a verse in the Bible from Romans 12:15,16 that says "Rejoice with those who rejoice: mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another."  Loving her the way she needs to be loved right now may mean you "mourning" with her over the loss of her breasts. There will come a day when  the positive will come back even for her, its just all in the timing. I want to say though I thinks its great you care enough to come on this board to find out how to make things easier for her.