Daughter Shutting Out Mom

hainesk830

My daughter was diagnosed with Breast Cancer two months ago and underwent a double masectomy and reconstructive surgery.  I've tried to support her in every way I can from quitting smoking with her to taking care of her emotional needs prior to the surgery and taking care of her after her surgery.  After spending three days with her after she came home from the hospital - which we planned - now she won't return my phone calls and I hate to keep calling her for fear she is sleeping.  She lives close enough that I could just stop by, but I respect her and her new husbands privacy and don't want to do that - any suggestions of what she might be feeling and how I can best help her?  Thank you

mybeautifulsister

my sister sorta went through the same, she avoided us as much as possible in the begining because  she didn`t want to be a burden. She also had a new husband (3months) when she was diagnosed. Put a card in her mail box, let her know you are there for her and you love her, follow her lead, what i found out through this whole process is that it isn`t about us, its about them. My sisters mastectomy was so tramatizing to her, she just couldn`t deal with it or anyone, especially her husband, she wanted him out, but 6 months later he is still there and loving her. Give them the time they need to work through this, I know it is so hard, my mom was and still is a wreck, she probably wants to spare you anymore heartache, she will call you!!! Maybe call her huband to see how she is!!!  keep posting this is a wonderful place for support and knowledge! Hugs to you! Deb

sbmolee

Give her some time.  She needs alone time to personally deal with this major event.  It is not only a physical event but such an emotional event that the person with BC must come to terms with alone.  She also needs time reconnecting with her husband.  I am sure she is a bit insecure with how she looks and how her husband will deal with the physical changes.   I did the same...  

overhere

I know how you feel. My very close friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Early on in the process, I was right in there doing all kinds of things in an effort to help. But at some point, she felt the need to go into herself and I was pretty much left on the outside. I thought I had done something wrong. I'm sure I haven't done everything right. But now I think it really has more to do with the process that the person with cancer goes through than anything that we do or don't do. I understand this isn't easy for us onlookers. It's incredibly painful for those of us who are helpers by nature...those of us who don't do so well from the outside. But, this is a huge battle and an immense struggle for your daughter and for my friend and I think for some people this is how they can best cope. I am looking forward to the day when I can be of help again...still looking for non-intrusive ways to be helpful every day. It feels like a tightrope much of the time. But when I step back and realize what she is going through, if I really do want to give her what she needs, then if what she needs is space, I need to be willing to give her that just as easily as I'd be willing to bring dinner to her family or sit and listen to her for hours on end...if that were what she needed. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers during this difficult time. Bless you.