Not much time left

emegirl

I've been reading this forum for some time now, but I've hesitated posting as it makes everything so much more realistic.  But I feel as if now is an approrpriate time to reach out and get some wisdom at this moment. 

My grandma has chosen to stay at home and has recently been given an in-home oxygen machine.  Her battle with bc has lasted 5 years but the end is nearing.  It amazes me how fast cancer is.  On November 7th, we were given the prognosis of 3-6 months from the doctor.  And now, on November 29th, we are told 1 month from the nurse.  I see her frequently and her condition is significantly worse week to week. 

Currently, she is on oxygen and is very tired.  She is conscious but she dozes in and out of conversation - her eyes open and close often.  Reading from articles and stories in this forum, it seems as if this signifies 1-2 weeks left - and the idea of that really scares me.  I think all of us in the family have hopes that we will be able to celebrate Christmas together, but I am afraid that this will not happen. 

I understand that the end of life is difficult to estimate and cancer is a disease that goes by no specified schedule.  However, any insight into the timeline from anybody's own personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.  How could the doctor have said 3-6 months at the beginning of Nov and then now we are left with less than a month?

wahine

Hi emegirl, I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through right now, made even worse by the holiday season, which should be a happy time. I do not have any advice about when the end is near, and how to tell how much time is left, but just wanted to give you my support. If your grandma is this tired and worn out, she may be ready to go, as she might be tired of all the fight she has done with her 5 yr battle. And I know you all want what would be best for her, if this is really the end. I would suggest just to give her your love, and let her know how much you love her, as often as you can. And remind her of the wonderful things she has done with you, and all the amazing memories you have. Even if she is drifting in and out, she may be aware of what you are saying to her. No one can take away the memories you have of your dear grandma. When my stepfather was dying, he had an order for no resusitation, yet when the end was near and it looked like he had left us, we would shake him till he would be breathing again, and call the nurses. They finally told us we had to let him go, as that was what he wanted, so we told him to just relax and go on, and that we loved him so much. It was so hard to do that, and see him take his last breath, and just let him go. But it was the best thing for him. I hope when the time comes, your grandma will go peacefully, and you will be able to let her go. It is so very hard, and I wish I could ease your pain, but I will keep your family in my prayers, and will be thinking of you and hoping that everything will be okay. It is such a sad time, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you can savor whatever time you have left with her, and that she will feel your love surrounding her. God Bless, and (((HUGS))), Kathy

pinoideae

Hoping you all are able to celebrate Christmas together em.  It's a sad day when cancer takes another sister.  It's a sad day when cancer takes anyone for that matter.  I look forward to the day when cancer loses the battle.

Mary-Lou

I so sorry

dawn2203

emegirl, my heart and prayers are reaching out to you. I am so sorry you have to face this especially at this time of year. Hugs

Dawn.x

leaf

I work at a hospital with an oncology unit and an intensive care unit.  Often times the doctor will say a person has X days left, and they live for weeks/months longer.  This is something that is not very predictable.

I'm regularly visiting a friend who is at home and has hospice with stage iv pancreatic cancer.  Usually she doesn't respond to anything I say to her, but I am told at 1am she usually is able to walk to the bathroom (with assistance getting in and out of bed and on and off the toilet.)  You would never believe this if you saw her during the day.

I don't know how long she will last. 

I am so sorry you are going through this.  All we can do is to show them they are not alone.  I went over and read to my friend today.  She didn't respond, but I've been told that often hearing is one of the last senses to go.

Jo_Ann_K

Leaf,

At one point in my nursing career, I worked in hospice home care, and we always told our families not to stop talking even if the patient was unable to respond.  From my own personal experience, when my Mom was in a coma the day before she died, she had been totally unresponsive until we told her that my sister in law was pregnant and was going to name the baby after her.  At the point, my mother's eyes popped open wide and she stared at me. Then she closed them and never opened them again.

Regards,

Jo Ann

gramadeb

emegirl - my thoughts and prayers are with you. I lost a sister to cancer -not bc but a very aggressive form of abdominal cancer. The weekend before Christmas we always had a "family Christmas" - which included our two families. We started when our children were young and kept it going until there were grandchildren. December of 2000 she wanted to have the celebration at her house, even though she had stopped chemo that October, was on oxygen and unable to walk because of lymphedema in her legs. We had made plans to have her oldest daughter fly in from Texas as we knew this would be her last Christmas - it was to be a surprise. The day before our event, hospice informed us that they felt she had about 2 weeks left to live. The next day as we all gathered at her home, she was unable to get out of bed or speak. As each family member came in to say Hi and tell her they loved her, she would force a smile and say "I love you". When her daughter from Texas arrived she smiled and had a glimmer in her eye - like she knew her daughter was coming. After she said her goodbyes to everyone, she lapsed into a coma and died 12 hours later. We were all with her.

That was one week before Christmas. It was a very difficult time for us - and each Christmas is difficult. But what I hold on to is that she knew she was loved, she had her family with her and told us she was at peace. In my heart I believe she had it "planned" - she knew we were all going to be there and she had the chance to "celebrate" one more family Christmas.

Her family and mine still get together the weekend before Christmas and carry on the tradition she started.

My elderly mother recently passed. She had not been feeling well and I finally asked if she wanted us to stop treating her and let God's will be done. She said that is what she wanted. She asked to see my 3 young grandsons one more time. After she saw them, she became unresponsive a few hours later and died within 48 hours. It was a difficult time - but I felt like she needed to know that it was OK for her to let go and that I was OK and then she passed.

Let your Grandma know you love her, be by her side if you can, talk to her. This is painful and I know how you are hurting - my heart goes out to you.

Hugs to you

Deb

sbmolee

I am so sorry.  Here is my closes experience.  Several years ago when my father passed away from colon/liver cancer after only 18 short days from dx, Hospice gave me a book on the stages of dying.  It gave a description of the physical changes as well as the mental changes for the stages.  If I recall correctly, the stages were 6-12 months, 3-6 months, weeks and days.  The closer the time came the less connected to the physical and more connected to spiritual and internal a person goes.  My father lost interest in his favorite tv shows, foods and pasttimes.   As things progressed he lost all interest in food, events in the world, the weather, etc.  In the end, he would be awake but with his eyes closed - going somewere internal.  He would occassionally talk but kept withdrawing.  It was so fast but the book was so right on and even months after his passing - I read the book and could see him going thru the stages - just more rapidly.  You should search the internet for a copy to read on line. 

HUGS

emegirl

Just thought I should say many thanks to everyone who has responded to this thread.  Reading about your stories and your experiences has helped.  The doctor visited my grandma today and she estimated 2 weeks.  And I couldn't help but calculate: 4+14... 18th... 7 days before Christmas -- but then I also thought, crazy how this end of life deal works, here I am calculating down the days to the tee, as if it happens like that anyways.  

I think that reality is finally to set in with everybody.  My aunts and uncles are flying in from out of the country very soon for the last goodbyes.  I hope and pray for the opportunity for the entire family to come together at her house, so that we can all be with her in her final moments. 

Gramadeb - I want to respond to you directly because your story is so similar to mine, in terms of the timing during Christmas.  I am so glad that you were able to share the special family Christmas one last time with your sister.  My family has a similar tradition, however we do it on Christmas eve. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.

wahine

Hi emegirl, Thanks for letting us know what is happening with your grandma. I am so sorry the end is near, but thankful that she has such a loving family around her. I will be praying that you can have the entire family there to be with her, as you are hoping. It is such a sad time, and made even sadder still by the time of year. I hope your grandma is comfortable and not in any pain, and can realize all the love surrounding her. I know she was blessed also, to have such a loving granddaughter as you are. I am saddened that this disease is taking another wonderful woman--it just isn't right. My thoughts and prayers are with you.....many (((HUGS))), Kathy

emegirl

Thanks for your support and well wishes Wahine.

My grandma passed away early this morning in her sleep.  I visited her yesterday and was surprised to hear very mucus-based breathing - as I have read in other articles/posts, the 'death rattle'.  At that point, I knew time was short. I stayed at her place until 11pm last night, and was woken up at 6am this morning with the news.  I've been told it was very peaceful. 

My grandma was a fighter, such a strong lady who raised a great family.  Her mind was so sharp and so aware, but her body just could not hold on any longer. My other cousins are too young, but I was fortunate to have her take care of me when I was young and also now be old enough to give back to her during her final months.  I will be sure to tell my younger cousins stories of how great a woman their grandma was. 

Cancer is a nasty disease, I hope a cure is found soon. 

EWB

emegirl- I am so sorry. I believe grandma is at peace and out of pain now, but it doesn't make it any easier for you.  Know that you are in my prayers during this difficult time..

faithandfifty

what a loving tribute to a fantastic role model......... thank you for sharing your story during these challenging days.

may we each be surrounded by loved ones, when our time is at hand.

strength and courage

Marple

Emegirl, my heartfelt sympathy to you. 

Deb-from-Ohio

Emegirl,

Losing a loved one isn't easy, no matter what it's from.....Keep your Grandma's love and the memories of her in your heart, that way you will always have her with you.....besides, her love and all were there already weren't they? I have lost all my grandparents along time ago, My Mom 10 yrs ago this Christmas and my Dad a year ago November, it's the only thing that kept me going is knowing their love is right where it always was......

Hugs and Prayers to your and your family

Deb

candie1971

emegirl, I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your grandma...my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family

wahine

Dear emegirl,

Oh, I am so saddened to hear of your grandmother's passing. It actually brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad you spent a lot of time with her, and your memories will keep her love alive. Yes, you can relate how great your grandma was, to your younger cousins, and they will be blessed just hearing about her. I know the next few days will be very hard for you also. I will keep thinking of you, and praying for your family. You are right--cancer is a nasty disease! Have you signed up at "armyofwomen.org"? It is a site that is trying to register a million women--both with and without breast cancer, to try to find a PREVENTION for this horrible disease. Funded by AVON, and started by Dr. Susan Love, and other doctors. We need to find a CURE and PREVENT this disease from taking any more of our loved ones! There is no charge to register, and they just send surveys, etc. Big (((HUGS))) for you, and I hope you are doing okay!

Kathy

emegirl

I really miss her.  It's hard because one part of you tells you to remember the good times and makes you rationalize because this is the way life happens.  But another part of me wishes she could've been around for longer, even though passing away at 78 really is a life's accomplishment. 

I have a tendency to slip into bouts of depression, so I've been really focusing on the positives and the bright side. 

gramadeb

emegirl- I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother's passing. Even though she is not physically with you, she will always be in your heart and your fond memories of her will carry you through.

Deb

EWB

Just remember all the wonderful things you did with her, all the things she taught you ---one day at a time.  She will always be with you, in your heart and soul, because of your time with her.  This is her gift to you!

Michelle820

My Grandpa was recently at Hospice until he died of lung cancer.  He had chose not to tellanyone that he had lung cancer and we think he was in denial.  He finally decided to tell us when the doctor said 1 month left to live.  He went down hill very fast after that.  I have heard everyone is different but I know when my grandpa started dozing in and out and walking up talking about stuff that wasnt even there or going on he had about 4 days left.  Hospice was coming to his house then, until one night he managed to get stuck outside with no house keys... then hospice decided to take him to a hospice house.  The night we brought him there he was going in and out, but before we left he actually opened his eyes and remembered who I was and said I love you and gave me a kiss.  The next afternoon we got a call saying that they thought his time was near... he wouldnt wake up for anything.  We rushed down there.  I know with doing my research about the stages of death, because I was curious what he was going through, they sometimes say at the end, they are waiting for a certain person to visit them, or a certain person to say its okay for them to go.  So I held his hand and told him that I loved him so much and read him a letter of all the special times we had together and basically said that it was okay for him to let go.  He opened his eyes a few times then and the next morning he died.  As dumb as it may sound to some people I think he was waiting for us to tell him that it was okay with us for him to let go.  I miss him dearly... he died Sept 2nd 2008. 

My word of advice... be there when ever you can... even if its just to hold her hand.  And talk to her...even though she may not respond they sai that hearing is the last sense to go.  I was there every day and night from the moment we found out and still I wish I could have been there more...

Good luck sweetie!

emegirl

Thank you for sharing your story Michelle.

My grandma passed in a very similar way to your grandfather.  She was cognizant and able to talk (albeit very briefly) until most of us left for the evening, around 11pm.  She was unable to have a good sleep the previous night, and before leaving she told us she was very tired and wanting to sleep - this is when I knew that this just might be her last sleep. 

She was able to talk to all of us in her family - except for her one daughter and granddaughter, they were one day too late.  She even asked about them her final night.  My thoughts were that she would be able to hang in, but unfortunately, she had to go. 

We all talked to her even when her eyes were closed.  It may have taken her a while to respond, but she recognized each of us when we went to talk to her.  She passed in her sleep very peacefully, just 6 hours after we left her at 11pm.  She is the strongest woman I know.